One of the lessons I’m learning in my recovery is to understand my brain’s wiring. This is actually a point on which I disagree with that recovery adage, “Self knowledge avails us nothing.” I understand what “they” mean — I can certainly point to many failed attempts at my own recovery, in which I did way too much self-analysis yet took curiously little action to put that information to use. I assume the adage is a warning against thinking that just because you know yourself, just because you’ve gained some insight as to “why” you do things a certain way or that you’re, say, an inherently anxious person….that suddenly you’ll magically stop engaging in your destructive behaviors, based on this knowledgge alone. That, I get. But I would amend the adage to say, “Self knowledge ALONE avails us nothing.” Because isn’t Step 1 the quintessential demonstration of self knowledge? “We admitted we were <fill in the blank>, that our lives had become unmanageable.” This identifies the problem, does it not? So even with the most basic of applications of the 12-step model, you have (in my opinion) self knowledge kicking the whole thing off.
Anyway, my point is actually not to argue that philosophic departure of mine, but rather, to offer up a nugget of self knowledge I’ve acquired, and in fact to comment on the peace of mind it’s bringing to realize this, and to accept it. And….maybe to raise the question, is this a common trait among addicts? Or at the very least, a common trait among those with eating disorders?
I’m realizing more and more just how easily my mind gets overwhelmed. Heck, just going to Word Press’s home page can be overwhelming. The vast number of blogs out there, for some reason, makes my brain go “tilt”! In my work, I’m often having to attend to multiple projects at once, ones that evolve and change constantly. Being one who likes a clear, step-by-step action plan, having to just perform the next indicated action — geeze, sometimes even just CHOOSING the next indicated action — in a work situation for which there often aren’t such clearly delineated blueprints — can paralyze me. At the same time, it energizes me, it’s part of what I enjoy about my chosen path. Weird?
It’s one more insight as to why I used to abuse food so. Because my brain is NOT a comfortable place to be when I’m experiencing those feelings. I’m learning to just accept that this is the way I am, and to either ignore the minor panic and keep on keeping on (a strategy I have found very helpful), or turn to actions that help me to break up and dispense the panic, give my mind something else to latch onto. But without my program, without this new outlook and these tools to counter those feelings, I can see why I found it necessary to use food as a means of escaping and “zoning out” when the brain cramped. But I also wonder, is this a common hallmark of addicts? Are we more sensitive to sensory input, or information bombardment, or trying to think through all possibilities (and of course, think through a solution to each), and therefore create this madness from which we’re almost compelled to seek some quick-fix respite? I wonder.
Anyway, that’s the musings of today.
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