Tweaking my program for the next month, see what happens

I’ll be honest, it’s never comfortable for me to write (or talk) about my bingeing, even if I’m the only one reading/reviewing my words.  But over the years, I have found great success in writing down my latest stragies to try on for size.  Some of them have worked extremely well and are still part of my lifestyle; others have fallen by the wayside, either because they run their course or because I need to change or because they never took hold or didn’t work out.  Which is why I don’t tend to write down every little idea I have.  I prefer instead to think it over, look at it from all sides, and wait until I honestly feel ready to give it a shot.  There’s nothing I hate more than to read someone’s intensions or declarations, only to learn a few days later that all that posturing failed to lead to even an earnest attempt at putting it to action.

 With that in mind, I’m at a point in which I’d like to try out the following:  Over the last couple of years, I have noticed three distinct types of binges that I tend to have, in terms of both content and how they come about.  One is what I call my “junk food binges.”  These are the worst, in that the foods I choose are the ones that represent the most forbidden and decadent, which of course also means (generally) the most caloric.  Most of the time, I “allow” these only when I think I have at least a half a day or a full day on the other side of that to recover, where I can let my stomach rest and drink my tea and slowly get myself back on track.  Then there are what I call my “diet food binges.”  With these, I eat foods that are not usually part of my diet, but are several steps removed from the “the sky’s the limit” mentality I allow with the junk food binges.  The idea with these is that, while I may still feel horrifically full and uncomfortable by the time it’s all over, I will not have ingested nearly the same amount of calories, thus the “damage” is less severe.  Mind you, the calorie “dent” can still be scary-huge, so it’s not like I don’t have my work cut out for me in atoning for the extreme excess, but it’s still not generally as bad as the junk food binge.

Then there’s the third type, which I call my “last minute in-house binge.”  What this means is, I didn’t plan to do it, but for some reason felt, usually following dinner, that I’m not satsified.  I’m either still hungry or I’m experiencing cravings or I’m just bored or emotional, and can’t seem to keep my mind distracted long enough for the urge to pass.  These are the least damaging of the binges, but they also tend to be the least “satisfying,” due to the fact that for the most part, the foods I’m eating aren’t much (if at all) a departure from what I normally eat.  The only thing that makes this a “cheat,” generally, is the fact that I’m way exceeding my day’s caloric needs, not because I’m eating foods that are not on my meal plan.

Perhaps not suprising, I find that, despite the fact that the third type is the least satisfying (in terms of food choices), the more I’m able to confine my binges to just the “last-minute in-house” type, the better I feel overall, the easier I maintain my weight, and the more control I feel.  My cravings tend to go down, my satiation with my meal plan goes up, and I begin to at least start to distance myself from the habit of even entertaining the option of a junk food binge.  In other words, the longer I go since the last “junk food binge,” the easier it is for me to not succumb to one.

But lately I’ve had my fair share of the first two types.  And while I’ve been experimenting with several approaches to once again reverse this trend, one thing I’m noticing is that I usually don’t actually *intend* to fall into the “same old, same old” pattern of behavior (food choices, food amounts, etc.), even when my mind experiences what I sometimes refer to as my “turning the corner” moment (i.e. the moment when I decide I’m going to allow extra calories that day).  It’s not like I’m out for a run, and think to myself, oh, I can’t wait to once again taste <fill in the blank>, or when I go to the store, I’m going to get <this>, <this> and <that> again.  If anything, I’m often pondering a brand-new exploration of food, maybe to try out a pear-walnut salad recipe I’ve been reading about, or a light pasta dish — “light” as in, not cream-based, but still too heavy calorically to be included in my normal food plan.  Yet, where things always come undone is once I’m at the grocery store.  At that moment, my mind starts spinning, and I find myself overwhelmed with the choices.  I get so paralyzed at what I ought to try out that I end up buying what I “always” get, even if that’s not what I initially wanted.  If it’s a diet-food binge, I buy the usual culprits for that; if it’s a junk food binge, I default to the usual players for that.  Needless to say, I often find myself woefully disappointed — even bored — as a result of resorting to just the habitual.  Which of course only pisses me off more afterward — all that discomfort, hurting my body, my health, all the distress I put myself and my husband through….for so little in return!

So here’s my thought.  Given that I’m a rule person — and once I latch on to a rule of mine, I actually rarely (if ever) break it, I’m embarking on a new rule for the next month (the duration chosen just because hopefully this will help steer myself to a new habit).  For the next month, I will disallow a trip to the grocery store when I’ve decided to allow myself to eat extra calories that day.  Sure, allowing extra calories can and probably will result in a binge at least some of the time (especially depending on how a binge is defined).  But the idea is, no food on the binge is outside of the scope of what I’m already eating and/or what I already stock in the house.  If I want some extra calories, I can have them, but I have to make do with the ingredients I already have at home, and not use this decision to suddenly declare a “carte blanche” for myself with a special trip to the grocery store.  Is it any wonder I’m having a hard time letting go of the seduction of a binge?  Who wouldn’t allow themselves such behavior, if all it took for a person to indulge their favorite treats is the decision to binge?  Where’s the incentive to consider an alternative or at least to avoid letting those “extra calories” escalate into extreme overindulgence?

This does mean I’ll have to keep my refrigerator stocked with plenty of “safe” food options, some of which are “borderline” foods for me — meaning, foods I generally eat with no problem, but could eat excessively if not careful.  Over the last six months, I had generally avoided stocking my house with these foods, instead stopping at the store once a day or once every other day to buy just one or two days’ worth of these foods.  But this measure has become tedious, and I’m not sure it’s practical to continue trying to live this way.  I have to learn how to have certain foods on hand and not freak out.  I’ve been re-acclimating myself to this over the last month or so anyway, so it’s not like I haven’t already been making changes.  But now I’ll have to take this up a notch.

What I’m hoping is, I’ll come to discover that I don’t have to obliterate my digestive tract in order to “switch gears” back to clean eating the next day.  Many years ago, I found that one of the reasons I put unwanted weight on is because when you spread out the extra calories throughout the course of the day, you don’t feel too bad the next day; it’s thus too easy to be too easy on yourself, either to overeat again or to allow these kind of “exceptions” too often.  Which is one reason, right or wrong, I always confine my binges to the evening, so that the discomfort is high enough so as to cue myself to the need to get back to the safe zone of clean eating right away.  But maybe I don’t need this measure anymore.  I sure hope not!  It sounds gastly and so terribly immature, the notion that in order to “trick” yourself back to clean eating you have to induce a food hangover, but sadly, I have found this to be far more effective in managing my behavior than almost any other approach to calorie management.

So we’ll see!  I’ll report back with progress reports, whether this new attempt falls on its face or not.

Read Full Post »

Rant: Nosy clerks when buying “cheat” foods at the grocery store!!!!

OK, time for some levity.  I have a bone to pick, and it involves nosy clerks at the grocery store.  I suppose this one can be filed under the same category as the embarrassment one might feel (though oddly enough I generally don’t) to have to get tampons rung up by a male cashier, or (gasp!) if you’re a MAN having to buy your sweetie her feminine protection supplies.

Sad but true, there have been those times — more times than I care to remember, when this hungry dieter has decided that she didn’t want another dinner of fat-free Boca Burgers and bag-o-steamed veggies, she wanted cake (dammit).  Or cookies.  Or brownies.  Or some really good, soft, chewy bagels with honey nut flavored cream cheese.  Granted, lately I’ve been working on turning to less damaging choices — foods that may or may not be part of my diet, but at least aren’t so calorie-packed so as to necessitate numerous days of extreme “fitness atonement” to undo the aftermath.  But this rant is about those instances in which I’ve caved in to the “to heck with 100-calorie packs and fat-free this or that, I want the REAL stuff” urge, and set out to the grocery store, where their bakery section is head-spinning; “over the top” doesn’t even begin to describe it.  So insane is the selection there, it makes me wonder if this is part of the reason it’s so tough to give up such foods.  If the local grocer had only a “meh” selection of baked goods, would I find myself so enticed?  I don’t believe so.  I think of the grocery store, for example, near our vacation home.  They have nowhere NEAR the fantasy creations we have in our home town (I never even CONCEIVED of a peanut butter turtle fudge brownie cream pie until it made its appearance in their refrigerator case!), only the rather run-of-the-mill apple pies, chocolate chip cookies, and blueberry muffins you’ll find just about anywhere.  And not once do I feel tempted to explore those offerings when staying at that house (and it’s not like I never strayed from my normal eating while there).

Anyway, getting back to my story.  I’m sure some of you can relate to this even if you don’t have an eating disorder.  There are times in which you’re buying or ordering or eating decadent food, when you just don’t want to have lots of attention drawn to you.  I’m better than I used to be, but there’s still a fair amount of sensitivity in me regarding people watching/commenting on my eating.  Which means there’s always some anxiety (guilt?) involved when I have decided to do a big-time cheat on cake with massive twirls of whipped cream frosting, or those frisbee-sized chocolate-macademia chip cookies, or some other eye-poppingly rich treat.  This makes for a strange dichotomy of emotions as I stroll the aisles of the store; on one hand, I find myself feeling a certain relief, partly due to the mouth-watering anticipation of the treat ahead.  At the same time, I’m feeling dread, mostly for the likely upset stomach that will follow, but also even for when I have to get rung up at the register.  Why?  Because inevitably, the cashier will say something about it.  “Wow!!!  This looks tasty!” or “Heh, heh, this sure doesn’t look low-calorie!” usually followed by, “What’s the occasion?”  Maybe this doesn’t seem so bad, but at that moment, when all I want to do is pay for my guilty pleasure and be on my way, the last thing I want is to have the spotlight cast on me and my wayward purchase.  But moreover, what I find rather annoying about this otherwise innocent exchange (and I’ve been in line often enough to confidently confirm this), is that the cashiers never seem to make such comments to anyone else.  And while I realize it’s not very PC of me to speculate on the following reason, considering that a majority of customers at the store I shop at are overweight, often significantly, I can’t help but wonder if the fact that my being thin has anything to do with it.  If you’re overweight you may have a hard time realizing this, but thin people do experience their own reverse discrimination.  People will readily make comments to us that they never would even *think* about saying to someone who is visibly overweight.  So I have to ask myself, would a cashier dare to say something about my selection of fattening bakery goods if I were fat?  My husband used to hear me rant about this, but assumed I was exaggerating at least a little bit.  That is, until he began to accompany me more often on these grocery store runs.  And sure enough, we watch customer after customer get rung up, often with the same kinds of items in their cart, and not a peep from the cashier.  But along comes our items on the belt and suddenly it’s open season to inquire.  God bless my husband, he’ll usually good-naturedly step in and say something like, “Yep, my favorite dessert.”  But I still think it’s silly that he even has to do this.  For pete’s sake, nothing I buy is new or unusual; you know these people see these items numerous times a day.  What’s up with this need to make a remark about something the cashier sees all of the time?

Probably the funniest of these exchanges was when my husband and I were returning home following a concert.  It was around 11pm on a Saturday night, and we still felt hyper, so decided to watch a DVD movie once home.  We also decided that, after a couple of weeks of clean eating, we both wanted a late night snack, and not just the usual light microwave popcorn.  We stopped at a different grocery store than usual (due to it being en route from the concert venue), but all they really had was a selection of birthday cakes — you know the kind:  round, with that icky-sweet buttercream frosting, and colored trim and either balloons or flowers on the top, with the words “Happy Birthday” scrolled on the top.  The kind we have all seen a million times.  Reluctantly, we picked one up, hoping it wouldn’t be dry or overly sugary.  We also grabbed a couple of other grocery items — we were out of fruit, needed some yogurt, etc.  Maybe 8 items altogether.  We made our way to the cashier, who rang us up while a another clerk bagged.  “Oh!  This looks good!” exclaimed the bagger as she lifted up the cake, turning it around as though inspecting it in detail.  I thought it odd, especially since she said it as though it was the first time she’s ever seen a birthday cake.  My husband and I chuckled in polite agreement.  But she continued.  “I’ll bet it tastes good.”  We continue to nod.  But she still wasn’t done.  “What are you buying it for?”  At the time, I had never been asked such a question by a cashier, no less about a basic birthday cake.  What the f***?  What does she think it’s for?  Before I could come up with an answer, my husband swept in with a ready reply:  “It’s my brother’s birthday” (the first of many times he would use that line).  Once in the car, we couldn’t help but shake our heads.  What are we buying it for????  Who asks this of a basic birthday cake?  Or any food item, for that matter?  For starters, what’s it to them?  Moreover, why do we owe them an answer?  Mind you, we both hate to be at all impolite or confrontational, so we’ll always humor the person and play along nonchalantly.  But I still find it annoying.  I’ll happily chat with the cashier about ANYTHING, but please, mind your own business and stop asking me about my grocery selections!  My husband joked that the next time I’m asked, a quick way to end any further probing would be for me to say, “I’m going to feast on this to my heart’s content when I get home, then spend the next three days exercising and eating carrots to work off the calories.  Why do you ask?”  But yeah right, like I’m going to say that.  But it would be interesting to see the reaction!

Rant over….Add this to the stockpile of reasons why I just as soon would like to do away with this behavior!

Read Full Post »

A lesson from running: You’re capable of more than you think

One reason I love running so much is because it presents countless life lessons, and in the simplest of forms.  I learn how to relax into the moment, how to pace myself, how to protect my comfort zone (that image of a masochist gritting their teeth well past their body’s reach?  I can’t imagine….), how to appreciate something as simple as the miracle of my own breath, the cadence it provides, a soundtrack that can be either gentle or furious or somewhere in between.  I learn how to overcome obstacles, how to distinguish the difference between “I can’t” and “I don’t want to,” how to clear my head, how to stop and enjoy the simple pleasures of being outside, no matter what the season, to slow down and smell the earth’s many fragrances, even how to accept and even embrace the swirling chaos of humanity — the cars, the restaurants, the hum of activity that seems so in contrast to the lone girl quietly huffing and puffing through an afternoon jog.  The list goes on and on.

Anyway, today’s lesson presented itself early on:  you’re capable of more than you give yourself credit for.  As is often the case, I was pressed for time.  But the weather was so beautiful — unusually sunny and mild for this time of the year, with that wonderful blue sky that seems to pick up your mood instantly.  I knew I had to go out and experience it for at least a little while.  I took off and glanced at my watch.  I had about an hour and a half to work with.  Understand, mid-week I normally like to do an extra long cardio session, especially in winter as it keeps my endurance up during the down season from running races.  I was originally planning to either just take a walk or do some light intervals back and forth between walking and running.  But in either of those choices, I normally prefer about 100 minutes, to ensure I cover around 7 miles.  90 minutes won’t cover that.  I had pretty much done an “oh well” as I began to run, but I felt that curious twitch I know all too well.  Not really wanting to have to pay attention to my watch (on such a lovely day I prefer to just GO and let my mind rest), I decided what the heck, I’ll just see how long I can run before I need a break.  It wasn’t long before I realized this wasn’t going to be a problem.  In fact, it was almost embarrassing just how relatively easy it was to keep going without a break.  Mind you, I’ve run continuously recently, but the vast majority of my last few months’ running workouts have been run/walk intervals.  I suppose it all got shaken up when I had a bad 10K race this past summer — got a stitch that I just couldn’t shake.  After that, I seemed to go through a funk in which I felt timid about doing continuous runs.  But rather than give up altogether, I figured when I’m ready to resume continuous, I will; in the meantime, I “let” myself choose intervals most of the time, to keep up my confidence and preserve the whole enjoyment of running.  Every now and then I’d throw in 20, 30, 40 minutes of running, but those were few and far between.

Until today!  At some point, as I continued my “Hmmm, I wonder….” run-til-I-have-to-stop experiment, I began to realize I probably was nearing the 30 minute mark.  I wanted to avoid looking at my watch, because once I do I tend to look again far too frequently, which drives me nuts, like a nervous tick or something.  But sure enough, the town square clock read 2:20, when I knew I had started off at 1:50.  I kept running, did my body inventory and realized all was still a-ok.  I knew at some point I was nearing the 45-minute mark.  I decided that I’d be happy to at least go an hour, that 75 minutes would be the bomb, and that 90 minutes would be like reaching the moon in terms of happy success.

Well I don’t need to keep you in suspense, you probably know where this is going anyway.  Yes, indeed, I hit the 90 minute mark, with only sweat, a little bit of chill in my fingers and a small amount of tightness in my calves as my accompaniments.

In other words, I’ve been capable of this all along, just as I’d done in the past.  I simply allowed myself to put up an invisible fence in my mind, or a leash that appeared to be locked but in fact was not.  Amazing what happens when we put up these barriers for ourselves, isn’t it?  But just as amazing is the feeling you get when you break them down!

Of course, the only hitch is…. I now know that the next time I set out for a run, I don’t have quite so “easy” an excuse to not go at it continuously.  Should I decide to do intervals, I have to know it’s because I’m simply electing for a lighter workout that day, and not because I couldn’t easily nail that time or distance nonstop!  So much for avoiding the real reason!

Read Full Post »

Walking among the Christmas lights

What a nice way to finish off the Christmas holiday.  After cooking dinner for my husband and myself (we had celebrated with our various families earlier in the day and the day before), we took a long walk around the neighborhood to fully take in the Christmas lights.  I have to admit, I’m such a sucker for this.  There was a day about a week and a half ago, an evening in which I got off work early, in which I attempted to drive around our various side streets to gaze at the sparkling creations outlining houses, trees and lawns (though I’m still not getting the trend of blow-up santas and snow globes on the lawn….what the heck?), but wasn’t able to get into the full, relaxed swing of it.  Last night gave us the chance to observe each “masterpiece” up close and personal.  Our favorite, hands-down, was a cul de sac in which the houses seemed in agreement on doing a very tasteful outline of their homes in bright white, with just splashes of red and green around the wreaths that hung over the garages.  One of them also had light-up gift boxes on their front lawn that, interestingly, did not appear gaudy.  Brightly lit, but still pleasing.

Read Full Post »

On Christmas Eve: The things I’m grateful for

I don’t do this (at least to the point in which I’m writing about it) often enough, so today seems a good day to reflect on some of those things I’m truly grateful for.  They include, in no particular order:

•  My health
• The ability move and push myself to new levels of fitness and athletics
•  My amazingly supportive husband, who also isn’t afraid to challenge me
• Getting through a fall season (knock on wood) without catching a cold or flu — there were some nasty ones circulating about!
• My customers, who bless their hearts are always reminding me of how much they enjoy/benefit from my products and services
• My family, may they all be healthy in the coming year
• My in-laws, with whom my relationship has never been better
• My job, which I love with a passion even if at times I’m aware that I need to keep growing and evolving from where I’m at now
• The outdoors, and the activities therein
• Skiing
• Running
• Hearing my own breath when I run
• Coffee
• The luxury of being able to buy whatever tasty food I wish, not ever having to worry about how to afford to eat
• Being able to be the one to put money IN the Salvation Army buckets, rather than having to be one to be the RECIPIENT of such charity
• My house, which continues to become more and more my “home”
• My car, which I would never replace (well, I guess I’ll have to sooner or later) even if we won lotto
• Having another great day in which to live and grow and experience things! 

Read Full Post »

I knew I was done with eating disorder message boards when… (+ bonus recipe)

Well, I knew for a while now.  As I’ve said in my “A little bit about this blog” page, I don’t fit the mold of the typical eating disorder, at least not based on the posters I encounter when surfing for message boards.  As much as I’m okay with tackling this thing (by and large) by myself, it would be nice to find people who are in my situation, my situation being that I keep my weight within “normal” ranges, I binge but don’t purge, I otherwise keep myself on a diet that works well for me, I am happy, with a successful career and no “smoking gun” in my history to speak of (i.e. never abused, no sexual abuse or rape, no major traumas, parents didn’t divorce, no addicts or alcoholics, etc. etc. etc.).  Honestly, I just think for the most part my situation can be summed up as, I’m an intense, Type A personality who has used the crutch of binge-eating (and subsequent recovery measures to minimize the damage to my body) as a stress-release valve for many years, so that by now it’s a firmly entrenched habit.  When I let certain aspects of my personality run amok, the bulimia flares up.  When I proactively manage my personality and take steps I know to be uniquely helpful to me, the behavior fades greatly.  But not being willing to completely let go of the security blanket of maintaining my fit body under my current program/approach, I realistically have assessed that I probably won’t be fully rid of all remnants of an eating disorder anytime soon.

 OK, so that’s where I’m at.  And finding others whose situations are similar is like finding a needle in a haystack.  I don’t know if perhaps there are many of you out there and it’s just not PC to talk about eating disorders this way, or if I’m in a category all by myself.  Either way, I’m having a harder and harder time extracting any points I can relate to on most message boards, and it’s irritating me.

But perhaps the final straw came the other day, as I lurked one of the few boards I have visited semi-regularly over the years.  The host website, which offers a number of different message boards covering different eating disorders and related topics (there’s one for bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating, etc.) recently added an advanced recovery message board, for those who have reached such a point in their progress.  Great!  Thinks I.  Perhaps this will offer something more than the “same old same old” posts I see popping up on the bulimia and compulsive overeating boards (I must admit, what I often see on these boards are people who spend way too much time analyzing themselves to death, without taking the steps to actually physically make changes in their behavior — the proverbial “sh** or get off the pot” dilemma).

And sure enough, there have been some interesting posts from women who are recovered to the point that you can detect their multi-dimensions.  It’s so good to see, as I hate the notion that your eating disorder (“ED”) is all that defines you.  I like to keep “ED” in its rightful place, which is to say well below the scope of my other interests.

 Anyway, I was excited to read a poster start a thread about their favorite foods.  One of the respondents said she bought some goat cheese, and roasted it with portobello mushrooms.  Some other mentions included a salad of salmon, mustard, and greens; good quality yogurt, and mangoes.  I found myself feeling happy at the celebration of good food, the pleasures of taking the time to prepare a flavorful meal — especially since these were neither the kinds of foods one would associate with common cravings or “over the top” decadence (i.e. sugar, butter, cream), but nor were they foods that immediately screamed “diet!” (fat-free cottage cheese, butter spray, egg whites, etc.).  Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those extremes, but the fact that people were talking about those foods that fall between the two…..made me smile.  Eating disorders are so often about seeking two different extremes and ignoring the vast world of delicious foods in the middle of all of that.  To see this exploration of that very “middle ground” was energizing, encouraging…..and gosh, it made me hungry — but in a good, happy way!

Well, it came to a crushing halt when the moderator came in and said that mention of specific foods was still specifically forbidden, so the only way she would keep the thread open is if people shifted to discussing their FEELINGS surrounding their favorite foods.  Otherwise the thread would have to be yanked.

OK.  I GET that there are people who are still in a very fragile state with their ED.  I’ve been there, I understand.  And indeed, this website is very protective of not allowing anything that could be triggering to individuals, to provide a safe place to discuss these issues.  I get that too.  But this is an ADVANCED RECOVERY message board.  Why create it if you’re not going to allow more latitude with people who are at a point where they can start integrating certain “normal, non-eating-disorder” behaviors and thoughts with their current recovery program?  If anything, it seems the perfect place to allow this.  After all, sooner or later we (“we” being people with ED’s) have to deal with the real, outside world; we have to navigate our day and learn how to weather the stresses and bumps and joyful moments and mean people and all that comes with life without turning to behaviors we wish to keep out of our lives.  What better way to prove that you’re making progress with this than to talk about happy, normal things with a group of others who are in the unique position to know exactly what you’re going through, because they’ve been through the same thing?  If there are people who worry about feeling triggered at such threads, well guess what, they’re not ready to participate in or read the advanced recovery board!  Are we not all adults who should ultimately be the ones to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and where we put ourselves?

Anyway, that’s when I knew I was done.  I’m sorry, I don’t want to live in a world where you can’t be dealing privately with your eating disorder and still happily talk about the joy of your favorite recipes, maybe exchange some so that others can share in your joy.  That’s NOT the way I wish to heal my bulimia!  Suppose I never am rid of it?  Suppose I put such things as talking about recipes on hold for all those years, when I could have instead at least enjoyed myself while still working on my private struggles?

So….in the spirit of working on my own path to healthy living without avoiding all potential “scary” triggers, I offer you The Best Winter Stew Recipe Ever!

The Best Winter Stew Recipe Ever

• 1-1/2 Tablespoons olive oil 
• 1 can pumpkin
• 1 14-oz. can chopped tomatoes
• 1 onion, halved and then coarsely sliced
• 1 small zucchini, chopped
• 1 small yellow squash, chopped
• 1 portobello mushroom, chopped 
• 2 cloves of fresh garlic, finely chopped
• 1-inch cube fresh ginger, chopped
• 1 cup vegetable broth (canned or a reconsituted bouillon cube)
• 1 cup dry pasta (I like to use pappardelle, just because)
• 1-2 ounces good quality parmesan cheese, freshly grated (don’t even think about buying the kind in a shaker!)
• About 4-6 fresh basil leaves, chopped
• Salt and pepper to taste

In a large soup pot, heat 1/2 Tablespoon of the olive oil, and saute the onion with a little salt until it begins to soften.  Add the mushrooms and some black pepper and cook for another minute or two.  Add the ginger and garlic, and keep stirring to avoid burning the garlic.  Add the zucchini and yellow squash and another 1/2 Tablespoon of olive oil, and cook until the zucchini starts to soften (I usually go about 5-6 minutes, but your miles may vary).  Add the pumpkin and the final 1/2 Tablespoon olive oil, and stir for a minute or two.  Add the tomatoes, the dry pasta, and the vegetable broth.  Mix well and bring to a boil over medium-high heat (stew will be thick, but add a little more water or broth if you find it needs to be thinned out a bit).  Once it boils, reduce to low/medium heat and cover, and simmer for around 10 minutes or until pasta is cooked.  Remove from heat, add the basil and the cheese and stir well.  Add additional salt and/or pepper if desired.

Makes 4 generous servings or 6 smaller portions

Enjoy!

Read Full Post »

Skiing in progress: From chaotic to intuitive

What, you think every post has to be about bulimia?  Feh on that. 

Had my first ski outing of the season recently.  It’s funny to watch myself go through the beginning of each season.  Having only skied for the first time a few years ago, I’m still a relative newcomer, though I’m definitely improving steadily.  I love it!  I love zooming down the slopes, love being outside in the winter setting, the trees, the blue sky, the bright snow (though it’s also fun, albeit tough to see, to be out while a soft snowfall is happening), love conquering my fears of the mountain and feeling the exhileration of making it to the bottom in one piece, and even taking my tumbles (I’ve yard-saled more often than I care to count), which lets me know I’m still pushing my boundaries, which beats playing it safe any day.  It’s been a lot of fun to watch myself go from that scared-to-death first outing at our local ski hill (more a glorified speed bump than a hill) to where I was at the end of last season — feeling quite solid on most blue runs and even tackling a few black diamonds.

Still.  I envy those who have been skiing most of their lives, as they seem to have an instinct about their skiing that I have yet to acquire.  For me, it’s still very much a conscious, analytical, rehearsed process.  I have to think about technique because my inclination is often to do exactly the opposite that will enable me to ski with control, and without that sense of technique and control, fear takes over and I do even worse.  And while by the end of the season much of this analysis typically gives way to a sense of natural, mastered movements, it all seems to reset itself at the start of the new season, as though my brain’s and body’s slates have been wiped clean, and I have to re-learn everything all over again.

That is, until now!  For the first time, I can honestly say that my first outing actually felt intuitive, where I didn’t have to think about my movements, I could just ski.  What a great feeling that was!  Unfortunately, it was hampered by my ongoing problem with my boots — too small, I need to get new ones.  But what a great feeling to sense that my body is finally retaining its skills from eight months ago!

So I guess this is testimonial to the fact that even if you find yourself a slow learner at something, with perseverence, sooner or later you WILL begin to master the task!

Read Full Post »

The trouble with baking

Can anyone relate to this?  I have a love-hate relationship with baking.  Part of me wants sooooo badly to be “normal” when it comes time to baking.  Meaning, I can bake cake or cookies or whatever I’m good at, have it in the house and not freak out over it.  But I work out of my house much of the time, and while most days I have no issue whatsoever with having the stuff in the house, it’s that day, that moment, that I feel a trigger, or am vulnerable for whatever reason, that suddenly all common sense goes out the door.  Now, normally if I’m feeling a trigger and all I have in the house is yogurt, Boca Burgers, and steam-in-bag frozen vegetables…..who cares.  But if I’m feeling triggered and I’m all alone and I have 16 containers just brimming with homemade cookies (you know what I mean, where they’re so brimming you don’t even notice if, say, 10 are missing), to quote a Christmas song, “You’d better watch out!”  Only it ain’t because Santa Claus is coming to town!

But except for the above explosive scenario, otherwise I have managed to keep the dragon in the cave.  When I bake, the rule is that I cannot so much as touch a crumb or bite.  Because I know that once I start, I’ll nibble unconstructively, which bogs down the whole process.  Worse, I’ll go from enjoying the whole experience — the wonderful smell of the warm cookies, the magic in watching butter, flour, sugar, and a miscellany of ingredients get transformed into these amazing treats, the happy music I’m playing and the spontaneous “bopping” I’ll do while mixing up the ingredients, the cozy glow of the kitchen in contrast to the wintry scene outside, the gratifying sips of eggnog-flavored coffee or diet Dr. Pepper I’m enjoying as I drop, smooth, and shape my cookie dough into submission, even the joy of prancing around the kitchen in my favorite apron, the one given to me as a gift from my favorite aunt — to suddenly dwelling on the extra calories, the churning of my stomach, or worse, the bloat I’m starting to feel if by chance I’ve gone overboard in my noshing.  Is it right?  Probably not.  But I’m tired trying to change that mindset.  Much better to simply avoid trouble in the first place and avoid taking that first bite.  I don’t find this tough at all.  It doesn’t take away from my enjoyment as my main reason for baking is more for the gratification of my loved ones than myself, at least at that moment.

But this year I didn’t bake.  Well, at least I didn’t bake much.  I started to bake, made a batch of one of my classics.  But I tripped, stumbled and fell….hard….two days later, when I succumbed to temptation and nearly finished off a whole Tupperware container of them.  To me, this was an early warning sign that I’m not on solid footing this holiday season, and given that my husband is himself watching his eating and trying to lose additional weight at the moment, I feel it’s just as well to skip it this year.  Oh well.  Life goes on.  If anything, it’s been kind of nice; I’ve concentrated more on preparing lighter desserts — pumpkin mousse is a favorite at the moment — and lots of soup and apples as my daily staples.  It’s a huge relief, actually.  And interestingly, contrary to what I thought, I’m not missing those holiday cookies.  Is it possible we follow through with these traditions just because we fear that we’ll feel like we’re missing out if we don’t?  I’m beginning to think the actual is nowhere near what we feared it would be. 

Read Full Post »

Holiday Anxiety

OK then, I have posted my novel….I mean, my first post…..to open this blog, it’s time to get down to business.  I’m sitting with my husband on a relaxing Sunday morning, sipping coffee and enjoying the bliss of “down time” (we both work very long hours during the week).  It’s cold outside, but it looks as though a white Christmas may not be in the cards this year, having had much of our snow washed away by recent rain.  Oh well.

Christmas always brings such a dichotomy of emotions for me.  On one hand, I’m excited about the holiday activities.  Always have been.  I love listening to Christmas music, love decorating the house in lights, love to try out new seasonal recipes, love to bake.  Not being one to go out much, I love being able to dress up and attend holiday parties, which is funny because that’s only true to a point; part of me loves being a hermit.  I think it’s a matter of, once you’re there, you’re happy you went, but you drag your feet getting there.

And naturally, there’s the love-hate relationship with the eating at this time of the year.  No doubt about it, the fact that the days are so much shorter, the weather decidedly unfriendly to outdoor activities (for the most part), it’s already a struggle to not feel the siren call of comfort foods.  The thought of nestling into the couch and eating warm chocolate chip cookies, while almost never a temptation in the summer months, suddenly seems a seductively good idea.  I fight more with the depression of seasonal affective disorder, which is one reason I try to get out and run outside on the days when the sun is out and the temperature isn’t too bad. 

But yeah, there’s also that lingering anxiety surrounding the holidays.  Thankfully, my family is extremely tolerant of my insistence on keeping my eating clean; they know I will always bring a “healthy” Christmas dish as part of the dinner offerings, and almost always prepare a “light” dessert for those who would like to try it.  I myself still eat helpings of foods and beverages I truly love — mashed potatoes, a glass of “look at me!” Beaujolais Nouveau, a favorite Christmas cookie, olives (okay, maybe not all at the same time).  But I still keep it to a minimum if possible.  I find that I have a much better time — can concentrate on enjoying the company of the loved ones I’m with — if I retain my calorie goal for that day.  Oddly enough, I’m far more likely to overeat the day AFTER Christmas or even on the 27th, particularly if I happen to be off the next day (i.e. where I don’t have to worry about going to work with a food hangover).  But that’s because such all-night nibbling has more to do with retreating to my private cave and unwinding.  On the holiday itself, I would much rather share and enjoy tiny helpings of lovingly prepared foods with family or friends, and keep the focus on the socializing.

So my goal for the next three days (12/23, 12/24, 12/25) is to eat well but cleanly, deal with whatever stress or excitement (good and bad) comes my way in a constructive manner.  Retain my focus on my deep gratitude to have my family, my loving husband, my friends, a healthy body, warm houses and delicious food to share and savor.  I have not yet even thought of 12/26, nor will I just yet.

Read Full Post »

Challenging common thoughts surrounding eating disorders and eating disorder treatment

There are many aspects of traditional eating disorder “recovery” that I do not agree with.  Just the same, there are those philosophies and approaches that I feel are quite valid.  Nothing is black and white.

For starters, be it right or wrong, good or bad, I find my weight is best managed by avoiding certain foods on a daily basis.  On a normal diet day, certain foods are off limits for me.  Unable (more like unwilling) to eliminate certain “treat” foods from my life completely, I instead give in to periodic splurges that almost always go well beyond the point I would have preferred to stop eating.  Most of you reading this will probably immediately think, “That’s wrong.  If you just stop dieting, you’ll stop such extremes in eating,” or, “See, this is why dieting is bad.”  But I respectfully disagree.  I have found that the alternative — to stop restricting and instead allow smaller amounts of all kinds of foods on any given day (in other words, the typical “wisdom” in most weight management and/or eating disorder programs) — to be the perfect way to gain weight, with any attempt at “bodily acceptence” to be just an exercise in epic denial (and woe be to you when that “I’m still happy with this body” bubble bursts).  Call me superficial, but I just can’t reconcile the larger body for myself.  It may look and work okay for others, but not for me.  Honestly, I would rather accept that I will probably always have a skewed relationship with food, if it means I can maintain what I believe to be my ideal physique.  I know that’s not PC but it’s the reality of my mindset.

Mind you, life is too short to not enjoy delicious, decadent food.  But decadent food has no place in my daily eating.  If anything, I personally enjoy it MORE when I DON’T allow it in my regular diet.  And oddly enough, the more I impose certain restrictions on my daily eating, the more creative I get with my cooking.  I love exploring the use of fresh herbs, unusual fruits and vegetables, of making minimal use of fattening ingredients and searching out lower-calorie substitutes.  It forces me to appreciate the more subtle tastes and textures of natural, minimally processed food, in ways I miss out on if I allow certain foods to be options in my daily diet.  My eating habits are NOT about deprivation or virtuousness.  On the contrary!  But I have very specific preferences with regard to my figure, so I’m constantly trying to find ways to strike a balance between those two aspects of myself.

Now I don’t for one moment profess perfection, or to suggest that this method of eating is the best arrangement.  I still get mighty cravings for extremely fattening, sugary foods, and when those cravings hit, as long as I have calculated that I can “afford” the pound or so weight gain that will ensue from the splurge, I allow myself to eat unsensored for a whole evening, and the end results are not pretty.  In fact they’re pretty awful.  I never emerge without huge regrets, and a renewed resolve to “stop this insanity” once and for all.  There’s no doubt in my mind, I still have far to go in striking the right balance for myself.

But I still remain unconvinced that my own personal path to “sanity” is through intuitive eating or related approaches, in which no food is off limits on any given day, with the notion that sooner or later these foods will lose their allure and you’ll find yourself eating very “naturally,” gravitating towards healthier choices as a matter of instinct.  Sorry, not in my case.  I tried that on repeat occasions (and for sufficient periods of time, in one instance over a year), and whatever emotional freedom or “relief” I felt in stopping the cycle…was eclipsed by my misery in having a body that I no longer recognized — that wasn’t “me” anymore.  If I’m going to continue to chip away at my undesired behaviors, it’s going to have to be through another means.  It may take longer, it may mean I never fully extinguish the cycle of extremes (I can live with it if the frequency and intensity continues to go down!), but I’m just not willing to compromise my body, my fitness, at this time.

I make no apologies for having these preferences, but up until now, I have never let on that I even have them, out of fear of coming across as either insensitive to others or somehow in denial.  People love to do that; if you so much as allude to any version of the above, they dismissively say, “Oh that’s the eating disorder talking.”  Is it?  Well then fine, I may just always have some aspect of that in play.  I no longer care how others characterize it.  But definitely this is NOT a judgment against others and their approach or philosophy; if most people feel a better peace of mind by ridding themselves of the behavior while accepting the adjustments their body makes, more power to them.  This simply doesn’t appeal to me, having tried both sides of the fence.  And mind you, I don’t kid myself that this isn’t dangerous or destructive behavior.  Hence, this blog.  I have made great strides in managing the behavior in myself over the last several years, and I plan to continue to do so.  But extinguish it altogether?  At this point I don’t necessarily think it’s possible.  So “minimizing” is the modus operandi here.

What surprises me, considering how many people there are in this world, is how hard it is to find someone else in my specific situation.  When I search out forums and blogs on the subject of eating disorders, I tend to find two groups:  either the set of younger, mostly high school and college-aged girls who are struggling with anorexia and/or bulimia….or I find (mostly) women who are struggling with binge-eating disorder (or compulsive overeating, whatever you want to call it), whose recovery is centered largely on healing their emotions and attitudes — both relating to food and outside of it — while working on steadfastily eliminating any thoughts of desiring a thin/fit body.  Well, that’s fine, but what about those of us who are either far further along in our “recovery,” or who never had that bad an eating disorder in the first place, or how about this:  who work in an industry in which, like it or not, our bodies are part of our career success?  Beyond our personal preferences, some of us can’t afford to have a certain body shape and still retain our job success, and therefore have to figure out a way to make as much amends with our eating and underlying issues, while maintaining a certain physique.  Surely I can’t be the only one in this category, and yet to search the net you would think so.

But even outside of career considerations, it just plain annoys me, the kneejerk reactions to anything that resembles an eating disorder.  If you have bulimia, you’re automatically supposed to want to be rid of it.  This annoys me at times.  Let me see.  I eat extremely healthfully (typically) 90 percent of the time.  My daily diet includes apples, yogurt, cottage cheese, salmon, tons of veggies, rice, peanut butter, and oatmeal.  About once a week, I break out of that mold and open the gates to eat whatever I want (usually sweets — I love bread and dessert!), and almost always go way past the point of fullness when I do this.  I then snap right back to my normal diet, spending the next couple of days drinking tea and watching my sodium intake to help my body deal with the spike of calories and junk food.  Is it right?  No, but tell me, please, how this is so much worse than the typical American daily menu, in which food from all walks of life are consumed without so much as a second thought.  Tell me how this is somehow not equally something that needs to be “recovered” from, especially when you see the overweight, out-of-shape bodies rendered by this way of eating?

I said it before but I’ll say it again (hey, it’s my blog), I’m just not convinced that I can maintain the fit, lean body I enjoy having if I were to adopt the “no food is off limits” mentality common in most recovery approaches.  And I’m tired of feeling like a felon for even thinking such thoughts.  God forbid I should actually admit to wanting to keep a fit body more than I want to be rid of the disordered eating that comes with restrictive dieting!  No, somehow we’re all supposed to sing the chorus of “diet bad, moderate eating good.”  Well to hell with that!  I’ve done the “moderate eating,” and you know what?  I’m happier and healthier when I diet deliberately!  When my choices are limited, I feel free.  I can free up my mind to focus on the rest of my life, my work, my passions.  Without rules, every meal brings an overwhelming decision process; too many choices!  And right or wrong, I like to keep track of my calories.  Having done this for so many years, I know exactly what amount I need to eat in order to keep my body where I like it.  And knowing this, I like to end my day with full knowledge of whether I ate within my body’s caloric needs.  Why is this wrong?  Is it obsessive?  Maybe.  But that’s my row to tow.  The way I see it, if doing so allows me to enjoy that glass of fine wine, to savor that piece of dark chocolate, to get out and take that spontaneous winter snowshoe hike, to feel the confidence of being able to be put in any situation and handle myself with joy and ease….where’s the wrong here?

One thing to keep in mind:  I have never had a particularly severe case of bulimia.  Obviously, none of this musing would apply if I were engaged in truly dangerous and undeniably destructive/disruptive behaviors.  There’s a difference between the once-a-week after-dinner binge, in which there is no purging, only strict dieting and exercise in the days that follow, versus daily binges that are followed by vomiting or the use of laxatives.  To anyone who is doing this, I urge you to seek medical treatment immediately, as I would do the same!  Again, I go back to the point I made that I’m not even sure if my behavior fully qualifies as an eating disorder, anyway.  Where does the disorder end and “stuff that is simply human fallability” begin?  If it’s otherwise not interfering with your life, is it really something that needs to be changed at this time?  I have the luxury of asking these questions expressly because I have never purged and I otherwise lead a happy and full life despite the remnant behaviors I still struggle with.  Just want to be clear on that.

So in short, what I have learned is that right now, even as I renew my commitment to keep up the fight to minimize my disordered eating behaviors, I would still rather deal with the down side of dieting/bingeing cycles in exchange for having the body I want — and yes, the emotional outlet that, right or wrong, is part of the behavior.  It seems counter-intuitive I know, but I actually have an easier time keeping my weight in check when I allow periodic binges, because the rest of the time I can be at peace with eating tasty, healthy, clean foods.  I’m actually curious to see if having a blog as an outlet will provide an emotional release valve that will help me reduce the triggers and better manage my stress.  Wouldn’t it be great if I find this to be the final blow to these behaviors!

Read Full Post »