How strange, that the very next time I feel inclined to post is almost exactly one year to the date from my last post! I haven’t even read that post yet, so you and I will together have a new experience after I finish writing this.
So I suppose I should offer a bit of a year in summary before I get into today’s topic. LOTS has happened since a year ago. It’s almost mind-boggling, yet probably only to me (and my husband, who knows me best), as much of the change is internal and/or subtle in the overall big picture.
For starters, last summer had brought with it some changes in my nutrition that finally rendered some much-sought results in fall (that’s code for, I stopped eating certain foods and finally saw a return of more sharply defined muscles and a boost in my energy/mood), and I fell into a pattern that felt quite comfortable and sustainable. The summer also brought some terrific high points with regard to my athletics, and to be sure it was a period of tremendous growth for me. I began to commit more to activities for which disordered eating (specifically, unplanned extra eating, sometimes resulting in a full-blown binge, causing unwanted digestive discomfort) was not compatable, which was great in that it further illuminated the fact that I was shifting from prioritizing the momentary, instant relief I feel when I’m engaged in those behaviors (the food but also the “attending to the aftermath” which is also a distraction)….to the more gratifying participation in life and interacting with the people in my life.
And as I said, the physical effects of some of these changes were seen especially in the fall, almost “overnight.” Even though I believe it was the accumulation of consistent changes and work, it was as though all of a sudden my body “clicked” in a way it hadn’t in the months prior, certainly not in the winter/early spring months. So a good reminder that it’s important to stay the course that you truly believe is better for yourself, even if the anticipated changes/results are not quite happening in the time frame you were expecting.
So my fall was quite a pleasing experience. I made some changes and strides professionally as well. I have learned that I’m a creature that needs to be around people at least some of the time, even when I’m doing work that involves just myself and my computer. So I made some changes to address that. Overall, an ongoing “coming out of my shell” would be a good way to sum it up. NOT without challenges and low points, mind you, but definitely a net positive journey.
Then winter set in and sheesh, it’s scary and deflating that no matter how determined I am, no matter what the tools in my arsenal, I seem to lose the wind in my sails. It’s like winter takes me in my perfectly happy state, chews me up and then spits me out, leaving me raw and disoriented and having to heal those wounds just to get back to where I left off. The lack of inspiring landscape immediately around us coupled with the endless cold and gray…..it doesn’t do my body or mind good, though it sure does force me to flex my “look at the bright side” muscles. The one positive I have to say is that my eating (and exercise, though the latter is a given, I love to move) was more balanced than it has been in previous winters. The trouble was, and it’s the same issue of the previous winter, despite my shoring up my eating even more (to the best of my assessment) cleanly than that of fall, my body was not responding in kind. In fact on the contrary, it was much harder to stay within my goal weight range, and worse for me, my body shape was once again “not itself,” odd subtle changes that caused my clothes to look different even when my weight was more or less the same. I realize these are small matters in the overall scheme of things, but for my can’t-find-the-shutoff-valve mind, all I do is wonder wonder wonder why the very measures that rendered such different results as recently as 4-5 months ago….could be so useless now. Does not compute!
So suffice it to say, it was par for my usual mid/late winter progression: out of sorts, frustrated, making tweaks in spite of feeling emotionally all over the place and feeling frustrated that my efforts were not being duly rewarded with the kind of changes I had come to expect from my body. But worse….MUCH worse….I was increasingly aware of the effect this was all having on my living. I’m realizing more and more how much I DON’T want to go through life with my greatest immediate accomplishment being that of, “she knows how to get/keep a buff body.” I want to be of help/use to others. Yes, I know I’m already of some help/use with loved ones, friends, my husband, my job….but I’m still consuming WAY too much physical, mental and spiritual energy around this thing. And I’m increasingly realizing how much I’m missing out on in so doing, how much I have NOT done or how much I have not been present due to the demands of this behavior — indulging it and then recovering from it. And finally, I’m realizing how much I am NOT in control of the outcome, anyway, so why am I trying to hard to engineer it?
Well that final conclusion, that’s actually come along in recent weeks. I’m getting ahead of myself. So let me backtrack to mid-March.
I don’t know why, I can’t even pinpoint the specific day, but for some reason, I found myself hunting down some podcasts of a 12-step program. And upon listening to that very first one, I was immediately riveted. It was not my first exposure to 12-step programs; I had read a memoir of somebody’s experience with one, which I’d enjoyed. And I had, in fact, looked into such an option for myself on more than one occasion (haha, always in March, do you suppose winter has some role in all of this?). But I never acted on the research for various reasons, not the least of which is the internal clash I have with some of the philosophies of such a program. But I suppose the “take what you need and leave the rest” suggestion kept my mind open enough so that when the time was right and I was ready, I could take that next step.
So suddenly I was listening to stories of people who were articulate, intelligent, witty (of course all the traits I like to think I possess!)…..and yet who somehow found long-term relief from their eating behaviors, which they assert were part and parcel of a bigger-picture spiritual malady. I found myself suspending whatever reservations I might have and simply listened, figuring there would be value in gleaning something, anything, from their anecdotes.
And quietly, gently, almost imperceptibly, I found myself making changes. They were internalized and external as well, and they felt quite different from anywhere I had been before. It was as though I’d crossed a threshold from one phase of my life to a new one, and I was now setting out to build that new infrastructure.
Well hopefully it won’t be another year until I report back! I’m excited about all that has happened and hope to share the details in subsequent posts.
Be well and thank you for reading!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 