If there were a way to journal my exact emotional, spiritual and physical progression through the year (I mean EXACT, not just little nuggets or the day’s highlights)….you would see a distinct pattern jump out. Right about now is when I’m feeling the relief that comes when whatever recent struggles/slips I’d had seem to slip away. Eating according to my plan is much easier. My weight falls into its rightful place (“rightful” being usually no more than 3-4 pounds down from where it was in winter, but that’s a big difference on my body!), my body looks sharper, my thinking is clearer, I put myself out there in more activities….you get the picture. And as sure as the sun will rise and set, come January that cycle is in full reversal. Try as I may — and believe me, I try with gusto each and every year, I get to a point in which there’s no denying the changes that are overtaking me. The eating plan that works so marvelously during the rest of the year is no longer rendering the same results. I’m feeling moody. I start isolating, and for truly idiotic reasons. I begin this addictive surfing of the internet, be it looking up articles or message boards or the biography of some obscure person whose name I just learned of. By themselves, each item seems innocuous enough. But it all translates to my once again hitting my bottom in March and April, sometimes into May. Why then, you might ask, when spring is finally coming around? I can only assume the effect of the daylight/weather are cumulative for me, so even as things improve, I have to wait a bit for their benefits to kick in. Yes, by the way, I’m aware of Seasonal Affective Disorder and feel quite sure this is a huge factor. And yes, I do try to accommodate it by getting outside whenever possible in the winter, especially on sunny days. But no matter my efforts, I still seem to end up on my metaphorical back each year, and although I seem to be resuscitating myself with greater effeciency each year, I have yet to go through a winter in which there wasn’t this side effect waiting for me on the back end.
But now I’m experiencing a level of healing and recovery that is unprecedented, due (I believe) to some changes I put into effect (natch) this past March. I have every reason to believe — and I do — that I am moving into a new phase in my life, that I’m on a wonderful path that’s about to take me to levels of growth and joy I haven’t yet seen, and I’ve seen a great deal of growth and happiness already!
However, I still worry. What if this growth and joy, while certainly driven heavily by these key changes in my life, is mostly simply that natural seasonal cycle of mine, once again playing out as it always does? What if no matter how much growth and progress I achieve this year, it proves to be no more of a match for those mysterious forces of winter that seem so good at knocking me down?
I suppose the answer is, there’s no point in worrying. If what I’m doing is proving to be so helpful to me, then I’m simply going to have to stay that course and know that it’s going to be even more important to stay the course when those months come around. If I stay focused on taking action and not WORRYING about the “what ifs”….something tells me that if there’s any chance to reverse that winter trend of mine, the above is the key to doing so.
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 