Well, I’m back from my break, at least briefly. I’m not sure I’ll post again very frequently (if at all), if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t have much in the way of thought-provoking revelations or discoveries of the moment. My ED seems to be in a state of semi-remission (I say “semi” mainly to avoid letting my guard down and becoming complacent) at the moment, so I’m just coasting along and enjoying what appears to be a new phase of my life. Interesting, exciting, and a bit scary all at the same time!
However, I do want to post a conclusion I’m increasingly drawing on the subject of cravings, dealing with hunger, appetite, eating management, etc. I’ll explain how and why I’ve come to this conclusion.
Due to my ED quieting down, I’ve been interacting more with people with no apparent history of eating issues, from all sorts of walks of life. Mainly though, those people whom I admire or with whom I have shared interests. I’m doing this both just for personal enrichment, but also to further learn — understand where an ED “ends” and “normalcy” begins. Sometimes this is a gray area that’s hard to pinpoint.
So that’s my “how.” Now the “why”:
I suppose one reason I’m taking a break is, I don’t want to forever have to be so active in my analysis and debate regarding my emotions, my behavior, etc. I’m realizing that there’s no such thing as “total” recovery, meaning, you’ll never fully extinguish cravings, you’ll never achieve a state of absolute contentment. So to keep pursuing such a goal is frought with frustration, as no matter how well you’re doing, it’s never going to be “good enough” if that’s the lofty goal you’re holding yourself up to. I think part of why I’ve become fidgety over the last couple of years is because I want to figure out where “normal” is. At what point am I more or less “normal”? Obviously, the answer can only be answered by me, but figuring that out is no easy task. I suppose the answer has to come from a combination of observing “normal” in others who appear to be more or less where you want to be….and what you personally are willing to accept as your personal “normal.”
So why be so analytical? Why the need to decide such a thing? Simple. I want to get to the point that I can let GO of the recovery process already. If I honestly feel I’ve taken my recovery about as far as I can, I can relax and settle in where I’m at and free up my mind for other things. I don’t have to wonder if there’s more around the corner if I only put in another six months of active effort. I do think there’s a point in which any additional improvements will be negligible at best. More over, they may very well happen anyway, even without “formal” effort, just by living my life based on the values and principles I’ve established over the course of my recovery. In other words, at some point I have to let go of micro-managing my recovery, and instead just let those ongoing, if smaller, changes continue to occur in their natural timing.
Okay, so here’s what I’m concluding. In the whole scheme of eating — cravings, hunger, appetite, deprivation, etc., and life — emotions, personality inclinations, etc., there are “layers” of these elements that aren’t unlike Maslow’s hierarchy. There’s the first layer, which I’ll call the “biological creature” layer. Just the basic facts of being a living thing: metabolism, eating, energy production and consumption, etc. The next layer up will be the “genetics” layer. Next is the “human experience” layer. Up from that might be “issues and specific personality challenges” layer. Above that might be the “eating disorders” layer.
What’s my point here? That no matter how much you heal, grow, mature, resolve issues, change bad habits, develop healthy outlets, learn new coping skills, strategize your meals and nutrition, exercise wisely, attend to your health, learn to live with your emotions, etc…… you will STILL have a certain amount of cravings, appetite, hunger, emotional challenges, etc. There is no fully getting rid of these things, because they’re driven largely by certain realities of biology, genetics, and simply the “normal” human experience. You can do your best to attend to those things you can change, and clearly help yourself deal with those elements you can’t change, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to grit your teeth through times of uncomfortable hunger, cravings that just won’t die, irrational emotions and crankiness when you have no reason to be anything but ecstatic and grateful.
And here’s the thing: the above things are OKAY!!! There was a time when I’d experience some major breakthrough, or put to practice a great strategy of “alternate actitivites” (i.e. when a craving hits, do something to occupy yourself that doesn’t involve food), or develop hobbies or form great friendships that helped keep my mind happy and busy, boosted my self-esteem and elevated my overall life contendedness, or had an “ah-hah!” about the origins of my behavior……and I guess deep down I kept hoping that somehow these things would help “magically” cut my cravings, or reduce my desire to make inappropriate eating choices. I was WAITING for it all to at least become a little bit EASIER.
But here’s the truth, at least per my experience. All of those things are great, but they don’t take away the cravings. They don’t remove the urge to eat outside of my planned meal strategy for that day. They don’t make keeping my weight where I like it any easier. BUT….what they do is help me solidify my resolve, keep my confidence and sense of self-trust high, keep me motivated to confront these difficult challenges and STILL make the right choice, even if every cell of my being is momentarily screaming for a bag of cookies.
In other words, sometimes you’re going to have to white-knuckle it. If you want both the emotional healing AND a body that’s fit and trim, you still have to deal with those challenges that are simply a normal reality of biology, genetics, and the human experience. Just as our lungs always have a reserve of air in them, so too do we have a “reserve” of challenges that won’t go away completely, not for as long as we’re alive.
Ironically, it’s actually very freeing to arrive at this conclusion. I don’t have to wonder if the existence of these things somehow points to the ED, or suggests I need to do “more work” in order to try to extinguish them. I simply need to accept these realities, make my peace with them, and then flex that mental muscle every time I confront one of these challenges. It may never get easier, but like everything, with repetition and time, I can get used to it.
I can live with that!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 