It’s been almost two months since my last post. I’m guessing that lack of posting generally signifies one of two things: either 1) great success at the moment (no impetus to post) or 2) lots of struggles at the moment (no desire to post). I suppose there’s also an Option 3) extraordinarily busy (not enough interest to post to overcome time impediments). Happily, I’m falling into the first category. It’s almost scary to write this, as I know the dangers that befall a person when success is high — so too is the risk of complacency or freaking out into self-sabotage. But indeed, I am experiencing a degree of recovery as never before, and God willing, I have every intention to keep that going. Definitely not without challenges. It amazes me, how long it can be since I ate certain foods, and I can still have thoughts about them. But I deal with those thoughts with a perpetual, “Not for now. But I can revisit my food list later, and maybe add them back then.” How funny, the mind games we must play!
Of course, recovery encompasses — and is happening because of — so much more than just the food management, per se. If anything, I can see how so many will say, the food management is almost more the byproduct of other actions and measures, rather than one of the tasks in itself. I’m not sure that’s entirely true, but I will definitely concur that it’s because of all those “other things” that I have made the strides that I have, and not because, say, I found the “perfect” food plan or am taking a particular “magic” supplement.
To say I’m grateful doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of my happiness with my recovery. But there’s a nitpicky annoyance that has been with me all along, at least ever since I first began to pursue recovery from my eating disorder, lo so many years ago. And that’s my perfectionist mind’s kneejerk rejection of those days in which success/abstinence is kept “by the skin of my teeth.” Probably anyone who has worked on recovery from either compulsive overeating or some other eating issues knows what I’m talking about. There are those days, thankfully, in which I am graced with an abstinence and fluidity of conduct that feels very solid, very natural, like a well-oiled machine. I work my program, do what I need to do, and prepare and enjoy my meals with great ease and satisfaction. Days like that feel like, “Yes, boy, have I made progress!” Then there are days like yesterday, and into today. Drove husband to the airport over the weekend for a business trip. Woke up yesterday morning to a flat tire. Stress-stress-stress. I’ve never had to take my car in for repair; normally my husband gets the honors. On top of that, it was an exceptionally busy work day. I also had some very positive, exciting things happen to me, concerning my work and accolades from it. In other words, a very, very intense and hectic day. I knew such a day is just ripe for feeling triggered, and in the past it almost certainly would have culminated in a huge binge, to take the edge off my adrenaline. But I worked the tools of my program more intensively than ever, and managed to emerge from the day unscathed — meals went as planned, my recovery and abstinence intact. What a wonderful feeling of accomplishment that was.
But I also knew that today would be tough. I had a much lighter schedule, would be working out of the house much of the day. Dangerous, because this represents the “day after” a hyper-frenetic day like yesterday. And living up to its promise, it was a tough day to stay on task. I believe that the day will finish on a positive note — another abstinent day, and if it does, I expect tomorrow to be much easier, as I will not only be busy (as in, out of the house, away from isolating busy), but by then it will be two days removed from Monday’s unexpected twists and turns, which means probably things will calm down to their normal levels for me — “things” being my emotions, my body’s physiology, my focus, etc. So I just need to get through dinner without picking up extra food.
So good news, assuming this all goes as planned.
But it annoys me. It annoys me that today was as hard as it was to get through. If I had a dime for every time I had a thought that involved the desire to eat “out of today’s box,” I’d be able to retire right now. God willing if I make it to bed abstinent, it will not be a gracefully abstinent day; I will be abstinent “by the skin of my teeth.” I don’t like this, even as I realize that this is simply the way life works. Some days are effortless, some are effortful, some in between. That’s progress, I suppose. At one time, I would have had a meltdown for sure, dismissing a day like this as “inauthentic,” as if the fact that it involved shades of white-knuckling, means that it doesn’t “count,” that it’s not “real” recovery but just me proving that I can hold on for dear life under duress.
But I realize, even as I type this, that all that matters is that I remain abstinent. For today, it doesn’t matter how “close” I came to eating out of order, it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a smooth sail. All that matters is that I remain abstinent. Sure, I can continue to work my program, work the steps, pray to my HP, work the tools, and hope that in so doing, I strengthen my recovery so that days like this aren’t as intensely challenging, or at least that the frequency is reduced, but I have to accept that there may continue to be days that surface such as this, which means in order to stay recovered, I just need the willingness to deal with the discomfort and accept that my abstinence “pearls” will not always be silky smooth or rock-solid, that they will sometimes look quite “messy” or feel rather choppy. But I have to assume that it’s in dealing with these very days that I will make the greatest growth. So I must embrace them the way I embrace those lovely, practically-on-autopilot abstinent days.
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 