Handling unwanted male attention

This is an issue that’s come up more and more, and I’m realizing how much I have never really matured to the point in which I can graciously set boundaries when a man’s attention to me is clearly beginning to cross a line from “casual interaction” to “trying to pursue something more.”  Certainly, it’s incredibly flattering, and I’m sure my ego is part of the problem.  But the other part is my fear of hurting the guy’s feelings.  I can see how very easily a woman (person) can find herself in a relationship that she doesn’t even particularly like, or staying in a situation that no longer works for her, simply because she feels this need to protect the guy from hurt feelings.  In my case, my mind immediately goes to such thoughts as, “Oh, he already has so much stress in his life.  Do I really need to add to it by telling him to back off or that I’m uncomfortable with the direction our conversation is going?”

So, rather than SAY anything outright, I instead just try to be polite, keep my end of the conversation neutral.  Only….while *I* may think I’m merely being polite, the guy is taking my courteousness as an encouragement to pursue further.

I’m also realizing that, up until now, my solution to such a situation has typically been to simply try to avoid crossing paths with him again.  But some recent interactions have convinced me that this is neither a mature way to handle it nor practical.  First of all, I can’t live my life constantly ducking situations just to avoid such contact — talk about living a life dictated by others!  Second of all, I need to be mature enough to be able to politely assert myself.  I can’t worry about his feelings.

But of course, the latter is uncomfortable, no matter what.  I suppose it might get easier, but it’s still not comfortable.  And I’m starting to see how this DOES relate to my eating, and my bigger mentality:  I don’t want to have to encounter these uncomfortable moments, in which I have to stay the course with what’s uncomfortable, whether it’s eating a certain way or turning down a food I don’t need or defining my boundaries with another person or some other situation.

Now.  To put this newfound realization to use.  Easier said than done!

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My Higher Power: The recharger; inside me, the battery

I’ve been thinking (some more) about the concept of powerlessness.  Amazing how one word can prompt so much semantical analysis.  It is the word of choice in the first step of 12-step programs, i.e. “We admitted we were powerless over <fill in the blank>…”  I used to wonder if my constant musing about the word had to do with trying to find a way to sidestep that reality, like, “Well no, I’m not powerless per se, at least not in such a sweeping way, more like only in specific circumstances, or with certain foods at certain times…”  I worried that suggesting, no less embracing, the notion that I’m powerless would remove that sense of self-efficacy that I still believe is innate in all of us.  Sure, once something becomes a well-entrenched habit, the means of ceasing that behavior is (usually) no longer as simple as “Just Say No,” but to suggest that when people overcome addictions or bad habits it’s done 100% through a force outside of themselves…..I disagree with that.  Even if you subscribe to the idea that you’re tapping your Higher Power (or God, or whatever you call he/she/it) — which as of this writing I do, to me it’s not that you were entirely helpless and stepped aside and let HP take over the wheel; rather, it’s that you let your HP “in,” or you somehow found your own inner resource — your HP within, so to speak, which I believe to be part of the entirety of HP, and let it bubble up to accomplish things that just your ego/immature self could never to by themselves.

But I no longer believe all of this ongoing contemplation is out of desire to avoid admitting to powerlessness.  At least, if it was it’s not the case now.  More, it’s that I want to help myself understand powerlessness in how it specifically applies/manifests  itself for ME.  I feel the more I can wrap my head around what that specifically MEANS for me, the more I can understand and better make use of steps 2 and 3, which have to do with believing that my HP can help and being willing to receive that help.

So here’s my current thought on it:  To me it’s like a product that has a rechargeable battery inside.  A tape player, for example.  I don’t know if this is still the case, but every cassette player I ever had would indicate a need for new batteries by no longer putting out as much volume, or slowing down the music.  Eventually, of course, it would stop working altogether.

To me, that’s kind of how I see myself on the subject of food and my HP.  I believe that remaining in an immature mindset for the duration of my life would leave me ill-prepared to maintain a sustainable management of my eating, certainly not so that my life (and I) could continue to grow.  I believe that connecting with my HP is largely a means of reigniting that internal HP flame inside me, to help me have the wisdom of understanding the “big picture” of honest, accountable eating and not just “how many calories can I get away with eating and not gain weight today.”  The latter is very juvenile, the kind of overtly simplistic thinking and rebelliousness that may be excusable/useful when we’re in Jr. High and don’t know any better, but you just can’t build a responsible, rich, adult life if you remain rooted in that motivation.  I am increasingly understanding how much of my adult life has been spent with me stuck in that superficial diet mentality.  I do believe my first awakening from that occurred 6 years ago (I even know the date), when I had that Ah-HAH that no matter how “good” what I’m doing looks on paper, the body doesn’t care or lie.  It knows if what you ate exceeded your needs and it will respond accordingly.  I realized that to build a sustainable lifestyle and body that I’m comfortable living with, I would have to shift my thinking and adopt a more honest and personalized approach to my eating.  That’s when I lost whatever weight that needed to be taken off, and the journey began.

So indeed, I *AM* powerlessness over food…..when I have allowed my battery to go uncharged.  But using the tools, reconnecting and repeatedly connecting to my Higher Power, taking the actions needed to accommodate my unique frailties….all of that serves to charge my internal Higher Power battery, and with those things I am powerFUL.

I’d like to think I’ve finally put that analysis to rest in my head, but something tells me I’ll find yet another reason to ponder about it!

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