The annoyance of “by the skin of my teeth” and “close shave” successes

It’s been almost two months since my last post.  I’m guessing that lack of posting generally signifies one of two things:  either 1) great success at the moment (no impetus to post) or 2) lots of struggles at the moment (no desire to post).  I suppose there’s also an Option 3) extraordinarily busy (not enough interest to post to overcome time impediments).  Happily, I’m falling into the first category.  It’s almost scary to write this, as I know the dangers that befall a person when success is high — so too is the risk of complacency or freaking out into self-sabotage.  But indeed, I am experiencing a degree of recovery as never before, and God willing, I have every intention to keep that going.  Definitely not without challenges.  It amazes me, how long it can be since I ate certain foods, and I can still have thoughts about them.  But I deal with those thoughts with a perpetual, “Not for now.  But I can revisit my food list later, and maybe add them back then.”  How funny, the mind games we must play!

Of course, recovery encompasses — and is happening because of — so much more than just the food management, per se.  If anything, I can see how so many will say, the food management is almost more the byproduct of other actions and measures, rather than one of the tasks in itself.  I’m not sure that’s entirely true, but I will definitely concur that it’s because of all those “other things” that  I have made the strides that I have, and not because, say, I found the “perfect” food plan or am taking a particular “magic” supplement.

To say I’m grateful doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of my happiness with my recovery.  But there’s a nitpicky annoyance that has been with me all along, at least ever since I first began to pursue recovery from my eating disorder, lo so many years ago.  And that’s my perfectionist mind’s kneejerk rejection of those days in which success/abstinence is kept “by the skin of my teeth.”  Probably anyone who has worked on recovery from either compulsive overeating or some other eating issues knows what I’m talking about.  There are those days, thankfully, in which I am graced with an abstinence and fluidity of conduct that feels very solid, very natural, like a well-oiled machine.  I work my program, do what I need to do, and prepare and enjoy my meals with great ease and satisfaction.  Days like that feel like, “Yes, boy, have I made progress!”  Then there are days like yesterday, and into today.  Drove husband to the airport over the weekend for a business trip.  Woke up yesterday morning to a flat tire.  Stress-stress-stress.  I’ve never had to take my car in for repair; normally my husband gets the honors.  On top of that, it was an exceptionally busy work day.  I also had some very positive, exciting things happen to me, concerning my work and accolades from it.  In other words, a very, very intense and hectic day.  I knew such a day is just ripe for feeling triggered, and in the past it almost certainly would have culminated in a huge binge, to take the edge off my adrenaline.  But I worked the tools of my program more intensively than ever, and managed to emerge from the day unscathed — meals went as planned, my recovery and abstinence intact.  What a wonderful feeling of accomplishment that was.

But I also knew that today would be tough.  I had a much lighter schedule, would be working out of the house much of the day.  Dangerous, because this represents the “day after” a hyper-frenetic day like yesterday.  And living up to its promise, it was a tough day to stay on task.  I believe that the day will finish on a positive note — another abstinent day, and if it does, I expect tomorrow to be much easier, as I will not only be busy (as in, out of the house, away from isolating busy), but by then it will be two days removed from Monday’s unexpected twists and turns, which means probably things will calm down to their normal levels for me — “things” being my emotions, my body’s physiology, my focus, etc.  So I just need to get through dinner without picking up extra food.

So good news, assuming this all goes as planned.

But it annoys me.  It annoys me that today was as hard as it was to get through.  If I had a dime for every time I had a thought that involved the desire to eat “out of today’s box,” I’d be able to retire right now.  God willing if I make it to bed abstinent, it will not be a gracefully abstinent day; I will be abstinent “by the skin of my teeth.”  I don’t like this, even as I realize that this is simply the way life works.  Some days are effortless, some are effortful, some in between.  That’s progress, I suppose.  At one time, I would have had a meltdown for sure, dismissing a day like this as “inauthentic,” as if the fact that it involved shades of white-knuckling, means that it doesn’t “count,” that it’s not “real” recovery but just me proving that I can hold on for dear life under duress.

But I realize, even as I type this, that all that matters is that I remain abstinent.  For today, it doesn’t matter how “close” I came to eating out of order, it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a smooth sail.  All that matters is that I remain abstinent.  Sure, I can continue to work my program, work the steps, pray to my HP, work the tools, and hope that in so doing, I strengthen my recovery so that days like this aren’t as intensely challenging, or at least that the frequency is reduced, but I have to accept that there may continue to be days that surface such as this, which means in order to stay recovered, I just need the willingness to deal with the discomfort and accept that my abstinence “pearls” will not always be silky smooth or rock-solid, that they will sometimes look quite “messy” or feel rather choppy.  But I have to assume that it’s in dealing with these very days that I will make the greatest growth.  So I must embrace them the way I embrace those lovely, practically-on-autopilot abstinent days.

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“Play the tape all the way through to the end”

I recently heard this piece of advice on the subject of staying on path with recovery, the idea being that if you find your mind toying with picking up your addictive substance or behavior of choice, and you find yourself falling into the “trap” rationalization of “I’ll just have one” or “I’ll just do a little bit” or whatever…..that you “play the tape all the way through to the end” in your mind.  What has happened every (or almost every) other time you have tried this?

I just love this!  I’m finding it’s a great — if sobering — way to keep myself grounded in reality, and not in wishful or magical thinking.  I’m also finding it a useful tool in other thought processes.  Like, the other day, I was out for a run, and found myself feeling a bit self-conscious (sigh, some body image issues are tough to die) about my legs.  Whereas they are normally very lean and muscular, if I’ve consumed too many carbs or too much sodium on a given day, I can see a “softening” to them the next day.  Given that my legs have always been my best feature, this distresses me, which is ridiculous, I know, and for many reasons.  But still, it does.  I feel more timid when I go out for a run, like somehow the world is noticing the momentary change.  I know, how self-centered can you get!  But now I’m using the “play the tape” cue to walk myself out of that thinking.  In the case of this run, while running I thought, “Gosh, I feel embarrassed about my legs.”  Play the tape some more:  Why?  “Because they’re softer today as a result of yesterday’s carbs and sodium.”  Play the tape some more:  And?  “And I feel like I don’t look as much like a runner to passing motorists and fellow pedestrians.”  More tape:  And?  “And….well that doesn’t really matter, does it?”  Still more tape:  Anything else?  “I can choose to make better food choices, such as reduce my sodium, which is probably better for my health, anyway, but more importantly, I need to stay focused on my work and being the person I was meant to be, which may include being at my personal fitness best, but thankfully does not include ‘being the most fit and buff runner people have ever seen.’ ”

Not the most impressive self-talk, perhaps, but it did change my thinking, so I’m calling it progress.  I’m definitely adding this one to my tool bag!

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The use (or not) of the term “abstinence”

So I’m continuing an experiment, one that I’d begun a number of weeks back.  Made some changes in my lifestyle, my eating, etc.  It’s been a great journey so far, one that I will continue to recommit to, one that has brought forth some incredible results even as there have also been some challenges and bumps along the way.  Lots of emotions coming up, and the sobering realization that while certain changes do become easier over time, certain vulnerabilites will probably always be part of my makeup.  I actually feel a certain comfort in acknowledging that — it allows me to let go of this fantasy of effortless balance, and to know that a huge part of my long-term success lies in learning how to deal with those times of struggle, rather than think the goal is to eliminate those feelings.

In any event, the success of the last month or so has only further illuminated a stance I have been increasingly veering toward.  That stance is on the subject of abstinence, or at least, the word “abstinence,” with regard to overcoming compulsive overeating.  My involvement with a 12-step program of the past year, while amazing, transformative, life-changing in so many ways….has also challenged me, prompted much inner conflict in deciphering how I define and measure recovery for myself.  Not suprisingly — I say this because it seems this is a hot-button subject for many people, much of this inner conflict has to do with the use of the term “abstinence.”  So often I hear speakers talking about it, often expounding at least enough so as to share how they define their own abstinence.  Even knowing this is a program that is as individual as a snowflake, it’s tough to not hear some of this criteria, be it “I don’t eat sugar” or “I eat three meals a day, nothing in between, no exceptions” or even “I don’t binge…ever” and somehow ponder such a statement against my own eating plan.  Inevitably, questions arise.  Should I be adopting this for myself?  Is it truly possible this person can possibly have eaten exactly this way 100% of the time for the last 18 years?  If I saw what this person looks like (I often listen to speakers via podcast) or if I could follow this person in his or her day-to-day life, would I truly want the kind of abstinence they profess to have?  Am I hearing their words but interpreting them to a paradigm of living that is neither necessary nor achieveable for myself and my goals, and maybe not even accurate to their story, either?

I understand the potential need for such a term.  I do. Especially given that 12-step programs, for the most part, spring forth from the original wellspring of Alcoholics Anonymous.  With AA being modeled on the concept of total abstinence from alcohol, and that there is no “moderate drinking” in AA, it’s understandable that other 12-step programs would seek a way to determine the parallel of that model for themselves.  And I realize that in order to recover from destructive behavior, one way or another, a person needs some kind of definable boundaries to know whether or not he or she is meeting that objective.

The problem I have had all along….and I’m sad to say, still haven’t been able to reconcile….is that I just don’t see how I can possibly boil it down to such simple, cut-and-dried terms on the subject of food and eating.  For starters, life is not so simple.  If I say I won’t eat sugar, all that does is shift my mind to obsessing about what that means.  Does that mean absolutely nothing with sugar in it?  Does that mean nothing with high-fructose corn syrup?  Or is it only certain “sugar items” such as cake?  Or what about the “No bingeing” as my abstinence?  I find that problematic, because to me, any excessively large meal is technically (in my eyes) a binge.  I define a binge as anytime I eat extra food, or amounts that I could not sustain and still maintain my weight.  So to say I won’t binge basically (again, for me) means I will never overeat, and I just don’t think that’s realistic.

But perhaps most important of all is that I think the notion of abstinence takes my mind away from the real goal, the true end result, and that’s a balanced life, a reasonably balanced mind, and a body that’s within my optimal weight range.  I could follow a self-imposed abstinence to the letter and still completely come up short in any or all three of those items.  More over, while I am more than ready, willing and able to go through extra lengths to ensure I’m able to adhere to my food plan and exercise schedule, including those times we’re traveling or socializing, in recent years it’s become apparent that even if 99% of the time I am able to stick to the plan, there are those 1% instances in which it’s just not possible to put my foot down in accordance with this self-imposed boundary.  For example, we were recently invited at the last second to a dear friend’s house for dinner, and said friend is an empassioned cook.  Yes, yes, I’m a veteran of, “Oh, can I bring a salad for all to enjoy?”  But you know what, sometimes no matter how much you try to be gracious, to make such a suggestion would be rude.  It would.  Or maybe it wouldn’t be rude, but my insistence on eating my vinegared lettuce while everyone else is dining on a meal the host painstakingly prepared over two days’ time…..does change the dynamic.  People won’t relate as much to me, fair or not.  To say nothing for the fact that, frankly, I don’t want to call attention to myself and my eating in that way.  Because inevitably, people look at the person shunning the decadent stuff and immediately glance at the person’s weight, as if to assess the efficacy of such a rigid eating structure.  I don’t need that kind of pressure or scrutiny!  But the bottom line is, at least for certain very close-knit friends, I’m just not interested in alienating myself just so that I can pat myself on the back for finding an “abstinent” solution.

Understand, I am NOT challenging anyone else’s use of abstinence as a tool.  If using the term and defining it very specifically for yourself works, please do so.  I’m simply coming to accept that this is one aspect of my program in which I personally will have to depart in philosophy and approach, at least for now.

For me, I don’t want a “perfect report card.”  To me, the “perfect report card” is nothing but a booby prize if my weight didn’t stay where I’m comfortable with it and all I did was take the part of my brain that could have been used for something far more constructive to humanity, and obsess over orienting my eating to keep that absolute perfection going.  And I can’t reconcile the notion of committing to “abstinence,” if at some future point, that definition can be revisited and changed.  What’s the point?  I’d personally feel disingenuous to say I’ve had X years of abstinence, if to break it down you then discover that there’s been no constant in that abstinence.  To me, it renders the term meaningless.

Instead, I’m finding better success in staying connected to my big picture goal, and letting that be my guiding beacon as to how my eating is duly oriented.  I’m preferring to develop the maturity that allows the possibility of having to make an exception every once in a while, without it derailing me.  I find that it all comes down to remaining wholly honest with myself.  Is what I’m currently doing compatable with keeping my recovery moving forward?  Have I gained weight?  Am I becoming sloppy in my eating?  These are the hard questions I need to stay on top of.

Now, does this mean I don’t have a food plan, and a very clearly defined one at that?  Absolutely not!  I weigh, I measure, I count calories, I have a list of foods that are the building blocks of my menus, and that list gets updated more or less on a weekly basis.  Some weeks certain items get removed, others get put on it.  And there are foods I do avoid.  Lots, in fact.  I try to stick with the vast majority of my current foods being my “safe” foods.  I’m staying on top of my weight, my energy levels, my cravings, etc., and I’m finding this infinitely more constructive than obsessing over whether I could pinpoint an official abstinence criteria based on my following this format.

Is it possible that this is, indeed, a form of abstinence, and my steering clear of the actual word is just an exercise in symantics?  Could be.  Just last night, I had a few treats that are outside of my normal food plan (as in, they’re not normally part of my regular “clean eating” days, but they’re on the periphery of my current list).  When I shopped at the store for them, I was tempted to buy something else — a food that I had recently put on my “not eating this for now” list.  But part of the way I work my recovery is that I try not to make any impulsive decisions, and in order to allow a certain food to be eaten, I have to have predetermined whether or not it’s part of my current repertoire.  So….I stuck to my current criteria and held onto my current bottom line.  One could argue that this IS a form of abstinence.  The distinction I would make is that these micro-adjustments, for as deliberate and carefully pondered as they are, occur quite frequently, too frequently for me to feel comfortable umbrella-ing them all under one, unbroken “abstinence.”  It just makes more sense to aim for the best case scenario each day, but in the final analysis, keep the ultimate focus on having good weeks, good months, and staying gruelingly honest with myself at all times.  THAT, for me, is the definition of sustainable recovery for myself.

Just something I needed to write out and acknowledge.  It’s official, the “a” word is not likely to be a part of my recovery vocabulary, and so far that’s working out just fine.

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No more hitting the reset button (again): No more “Day 1’s”!

One subject that seems to come up over and over, both with myself but more with people I talk to….is this notion of starting over, or embarking on “Day 1” of some new way of eating or hitting the reset button just because one broke their “perfect” eating track record.  Ironically, I find that I actually eat and behave BETTER (i.e. more cleanly, more honestly, more effectively) if I DON’T give myself the permission to hit that reset button and wipe out my “bad” track record.  Because if I think that I need to behave in a way that BOTH accounts for the way I behaved yesterday (or last week or last month or whenever) AND still brings me towards hitting or maintaining my goal….well then SHUCKS I have much work to do!  I realize that I must hang in there and reinforce those actions that I know are constructive even MORE so.  If, on the other hand, I allow myself to say, “Oh, I slipped, well there goes that, it’s back to Day 1 for me,” I do two destructive things:  First, I demoralize myself, because I never catch that sense of momentum beyond the first day/week/month.  It’s hard to keep building up a sense of empowerment on past successes if I’m essentially wiping them out and restarting my plan.   Second, I fall into the trap of magical thinking and fall OUT of retaining a connection to reality.  Saying “I’m back at Day 1” seems too close to the mentality, “THIS time I’ll be PERFECT” to me.  And if I’m not ready to embrace imperfection from the get-go, I’m not preparing myself for how to handle those imperfect moments when they do occur, which means I’m not truly building a rich, mature life that allows me to function outside of the distraction of forever looking for a solution to my eating challenges.

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize that when a person stumbles, slips, lapses or outright relapses, it needs to be taken seriously.  Believe me, I’m only too aware of that on a personal level.   But I’m troubled by this prevalent “Day 1” mentality.  I just don’t think it’s very constructive, certainly not with something as subjective and complex as one’s eating.  It’s sort of like when you enter a marriage (or long-term relationship) or a job.  Once you’ve made a reasonably thought-out decision…..the next however many months/years/lifetime is now oriented around sustaining that commitment.  If you are now married, you WILL, being human, make a poor choice in word or action.  And you WILL have an incident or argument or event that disrupts your rosey thoughts about your partner.  But you can’t just up and say, “Well that’s it, better luck next time” and chuck the relationship out the window in the pursuit of the next Mr./Ms. Right.  Ditto for a job:  You will likely make some major stumble or mistake, or even act in a way that is objectively grievous.  But you can’t just run from that, quit your job, etc.  You have to learn from your mistake, commit to not repeat it, and get to work on doing better.

So enough of this collection of Day 1’s!  Whether you make a teeny slip or a Mother Of All Blowouts, get up, brush yourself off, fix the boo-boos, but focus on tomorrow (or even the rest of today) as a continuation of where you left off.  Embrace the inevitable dents and instead make it your goal to minimize their occurence and severity (and maximize the lessons therein!), rather than eliminate them altogether.  AND be sure to acknowledge your mistakes but ALSO retain perspective on your triumphant behavior as well!

At least, that’s my take.

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