Right off the bat I need to clarify that I have not completely stopped watching TV. But in recent months especially, I have finally made good on my desire to drastically cut down on my TV watching, and hope to keep this trend going. TV, like excess food eaten compulsively, stopped “working” a long time ago, and in itself became this bizarre “no, that’s not quite it, <switch the channel>…no, that’s not it, either, <click>….etc.” addiction. You know that image of the rat persisting in pushing the button to get the pellet, even though the pellet no longer comes out regularly, only once in a great, great, great while? That’s pretty much the point I’d reached with TV. I don’t know if the programming that’s on has shifted enough so that there’s just not a whole lot of options that interest me….or if it’s that I have changed enough that my mind just can’t get “sucked” into that “zone” when watching (maybe a little of both?), but I sometimes think my ED and TV habits fueled each other in a peculiar way, especially as both stopped working for me. It’s like I’d get so frustrated that I couldn’t find anything to watch while eating (the two for me went hand in hand), that I would eat more…..and the more I found that excess food, even what I would call those “big ticket item” foods, didn’t succeed in putting me in that “zone,” the more I kept reverting back to the same stupid reruns or movies that I once found extremely gratifying to watch. It was a horrible habit cycle to be caught up in, especially since I stopped being able to experience that temporary satiety I was so desperately seeking.
So a few months ago I finally said “Enough!” with TV. Watching TV during the day has not even been a temptation for years — too busy with work — so no issues there. But where I’m vulnerable is in preparing my evening meal, watching TV while eating dinner, and then keeping that drone of the TV on as “background amusement” for the rest of the evening. I remain eternally grateful that we agreed to not have a TV in the bedroom, so thank God once we’re in bed there’s full sanctuary from TV there. But those evening hours were a problem, for many reasons.
Initially, I simply unplugged the kitchen TV and set it down on the floor. Easy enough. I then brought a portable radio/CD player in the kitchen, and used it for mealtime (I still like to have some music or talking at that time, at least most of the time). If I found a good podcast, I’d pull my computer into the kitchen and listen to that during the meal prep and dinner. I also began to try timing dinner so that both my husband and I could at least spend part of that time together. Our work schedules, unfortunately, often leave us having to eat separately, so rearranging things so that at least 3-4 times a week we have that dinner time together has certainly helped. Amazing how enjoyable it is when you can actually talk to someone during the meal — DUH!
The change in me just from this one action has been profound. I think the landscape of TV has a more powerful influence on my thinking than I like to admit. I mean, I’ve always been only too aware of the bombardment of images that create a “beauty ideal” against which I can’t possibly compete (because they’re not real, in the sense that these images are created with the help of lighting, makeup artists, hours spent on hair, post-production magic, etc.). And as you can probably sense just from the tone of my description, I’ve also been extremely vocal about it. I think my favorite is when you watch a TV commercial for some outlandishly rich food, and you have a woman who looks like a runway model, popping the item into her mouth with this carefree smile, followed by a facial expression typically only produced, say, when you’re receiving a delightful neck rub. So NOT reality, and yet there must be some part of me that absorbs that message and uses it as a weapon against my better judgment! But I think there are many other, more insidious, effects from watching TV. I don’t even know where to start with them, partly because I think there are so many, partly because I probably can’t fully comprehand them all. All I know is, without TV, I swear it’s like I can feel my mind “breathing,” as though somehow having TV is like having to breathe in a smoke-filled room. You can do it, and maybe from time to time you get a reprieve by stepping outside or sticking your head out the window (and even then you’re still stuck with the particulates in your lungs from breathing in that smoke), but there’s this sutle suppression, even suffocation that keeps you from really feeling the health of a full breath. Yet if you get out of town and spend a week outside in fresh air, you feel your breath just opening up, and even the air looks clearer. This is my best description of how I feel without TV.
Now, I’m still working on striking a balance. From time to time, I have gone ahead and “tested the waters” — turned on a favorite TV show (typically one that’s been recorded) and let it play during dinner, especially on days when I get home quite late and feel that need for “brain candy decompression.” But most of the time, I end up turning it off halfway through, as it’s just not doing the trick at all. I think the more I stay on this path, the more I will move from even needing to think about turning to TV — if that’s what I want (right now it is).
As for after dinner, I don’t really watch TV anymore, but I can’t impose this on my husband, who still enjoys a few select shows and the occasional Netflix instant download. So for the most part, I simply turn my attention to something else while TV is on. I do sometimes ask him if he wouldn’t mind our not having TV on at all, and he’s been extremely gracious in obliging me when I ask. If he really did want to watch something, of course I would let it go, but I think much of the post-dinner TV is just another habit, which is why he has no problem turning it off. And truth be told, sometimes it’s nice to pop in a favorite DVD and let it play while we work on our evening activities. There are a couple of travelogues that we both love, and have seen so many times we could lip-synch the presenter’s commentaries, but for some reason, we still enjoy having them on. I’m not worrying about that — this is an experiment to improve the quality of our lives, not to get a “perfect report card” for “no TV watching”!
I hope to keep going with this. Knowing how furiously addicted I was to “those same shows and movies” for so long, it’s required some creativity to find other outlets, more gratifying outlets, to take the place of TV. But I think I can continue to build on this. The thing that’s helping me is realizing that these reruns are the past. The past is done. If I want to continue to move forward with my life, to become whoever it is I’m becoming, I have to let go of the past, which includes clinging to the same shows that have long since expired for me. I have to trust that I will continue to find new sources of amusement, and that they are not likely to be TV but something else. It’s actually exciting, like a whole new adventure of discovery!
And best of all, no crummy commercials to have to fast-forward through!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 