Wow, once again, I’m stunned at the amount of time that has lapsed since my last post. For those of you who blog, have you ever looked back and read a previous post and almost don’t recognize your own words? I’m feeling that way. Pretty amazing when I think of all that has taken place since last September. How do I even begin to update?
So I won’t try to cover it all, but I do want to review and look ahead. First of all, I’m happy to acknowledge that I crossed my one-year milestone with my 12-step fellowship. That happened about 2 months ago, and I couldn’t be happier about it. The growth I have experienced this past year is head-spinning. I’m much less selfish, yet I’m more diligent about self-care (my latest being long, refreshing showers, using lovely, fragrant, hand-milled soaps). I get far less overwhelmed, instead have learned to simply perform the next indicated action. I’m less fearful, largely because I now check it out, i.e. when I’m feeling a fear, ask myself, just what is it that I’m afraid of? And then? And what does that mean? Those kind of extended questions. And 9 times out of 10, I realize the fear is illusional. And for those times I actually declare the fear to be justified, I allow myself to feel it, then do whatever it is I need to do anyway. I feel my emotions more. This has been both a freeing yet challenging development for me. I’m now connecting with the emotions I used to eat to stifle, yet of course now this means I’m often navigating a roller coaster throughout the day. I’m learning how to deal with this more constructively. I enjoy better relations with my husband, friends and family. I’m setting more boundaries — lovingly — for myself for those aspects of my family dynamic that are potentially hurtful to me, while at the same time more fully appreciating all the gifts my family has given and continues to give to me. I’m far more effective in my work, have come a long way in devoting myself to being of service and to make others’ lives better as a result of my actions. My self-esteem is soaring, I’m keeping a much tidier and orderly house, and I’m connecting far more to my spirituality, in a way that’s meaningful to me. And it goes on and on.
The one element that remains is the original element, and that’s my Achilles heel, my eating. It has, unquestionably, improved dramatically. To compare how I ate six months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, etc…..I won’t say there’s no comparison, because it was already quite good in many respects. But it has still improved. Compulsive eating has gone down; whatever I eat, the majority of the time it’s been planned. And the kinds of foods I eat have changed; whereas at one time I “needed” to include certain treat foods on a fairly regular basis — almost never eating them within an amount I would have preferred, the frequency keeps going down, and in recent times, has been so seldom that the few occasions I’ve chosen to eat these particular foods, I have found myself woefully disappointed. They just don’t have the allure/thrill they used to possess for me. Which actually has irritated me on some level. I’m looking for a Big Bang with them, and when I’m not getting it, I end up eating more in an attempt to make it happen. You know how successful THAT has been. Not.
But the most startling development of all came very recently. I mentioned that compulsive eating had gone down, but it — specifically bingeing — has not been abolished completely. I have recently drawn the conclusion that no matter HOW much I heal, grow or resolve in these other areas of my life, I will be left with this urge, this vulnerability. Maybe some people find they just naturally lose the inclination, but that hasn’t been my experience. With as much positive change that has taken place in me over this last year, I can only assume that the only way for me to be free of the binge behavior is to make the deliberate decision to not do it. I have to accept that there will be discomfort involved, and though I can hope that the discomfort and cravings will subside over time, it’s possible it won’t diminish as much as I’d like. Basically, I’m accepting that the only “thing” that’s going to keep me eating sanely and my body at my optimal weight over the long haul…..is me. Everything else has been taken care of, at least within reason (obviously there is always additional growth, personal evolution, healing….but whatever it is that might have been part of the fuel behind my ED, I believe is more or less resolved). All that’s left is the final step.
Mind you, it’s taken me a while to reach the willingness to acknowledge this possibility, let alone accept it. As with all tough hurdles, merely knowing what you need to do isn’t enough; you have to really want the benefits of taking that action — which includes dealing with the pain/difficulty of making that change, more than the “benefits” of staying put. I’ve been steadily trying out various ways to put this awareness into motion, but seemed a bit stalled out at a certain plateau. Until recently. What happened is something I can’t explain and is now helping me see how it’s possible that so many speakers (I listen to 12 step speakers via podcasts tell their stories of recovery) speak of this seemingly mysterious, almost overnight, leap into willingness.
What happened is, my switch appears broken. If anyone here is either bulimic or a compusive overeater, you know the switch I’m talking about. The switch that gets flipped when you’ve decided to open the flood gates and let yourself splurge away. I think one of the reasons I had been able to (mostly) let go of certain foods in recent times, is because even with less “glamorous” choices (I know you’re probably wondering what, so okay, like, apples with peanut butter spread on them, or high-fiber breakfast cereals, or protein bars, or whole grain pancake mix, etc.), I could still escape into the occasional binge to let off steam — to flip the switch and zone out, then deal with (hopefully) a less severe aftermath than the days my binges were on “big ticket” items such as cake, cookies, etc. To be honest, I’m not convinced there’s much difference between the two “species” of binges, at least in terms of after-effect. It’s bad regardless of what kinds of foods I ate, though maybe it’s been too long since the days of day-long junk food sprees to truly remember how bad it can be.
Anyway, so I’d watched myself make all these distinct and exciting changes from within, and while these eating episodes remained the stubborn holdout, I did still see differences there, too, INCLUDING the willingness to make the above substitutions. Not wanting to oversell it, I still deemed it progress. Hey, we all want to be rid of the behavior right away, but I’m now appreciating how it often happens on a time frame quite different from the one I may have envisioned. I can’t help but muse about the possibility that the willingness to start setting boundaries even within what I choose to binge on….was the start of my mind’s process of teasing the behavior from my grip (or vice versa?). But still, I can’t deny I continued to struggle, and far too often.
Again, until recently, when I had quite the shot in the arm: I couldn’t flip the switch!!! We had gone out to dinner with some friends, and although it went well, I pretty much knew even beforehand that I’d likely be using the evening as an excuse to splurge — both during but especially after the visit, once my husband and I were back at home. I knew I was rationalizing but I didn’t care. And as expected, we went to the store on the way home, picked up some treats, and came home. The weather was great, the music that was playing on the radio made for a nice ambience, the visit had gone well….the stage was set for the “perfect” kick-up-the-heels-and-relax-and-eat-eat-eat Saturday night. How many of these have I experienced over the years.
Yet, much to my chagrin, for the first time that I can remember…..DAMN it, my mind wouldn’t make the switch! It was awful; rather than zone out, ignoring the number of calories I must be taking in with every passing second, I remained fully cognizant, unable to lose myself in whatever TV show we’d tuned into and fully aware of what I’d be feeling just one hour later, never mind the uncomfortable sleep and awful aftermath I’d have to deal with the next day. Nothing I tried help me to cross that invisible line. Of course it didn’t; up until now, this crossover had happened automatically, no conscious effort, just part of the whole binge cycle. WTF???
That was several weeks ago; I’ve had another eating episode or two since, and with the same experience — no ability to flip the switch. And those subsequent eating episodes weren’t even with “exciting” foods, just large servings of the foods that are already part of my food plan. Talk about a pointless endeavor! So great. I get to experience the physical distress, the frantic scrambling to snap back to clean eating and keep my weight down in spite of the calorie spike…but I miss out on the very “escape” I’m seeking by putting excess food in my body in the first place. If that isn’t the very picture of “Done,” I don’t know what is. It’s time to face the scary yet exciting reality: Relief doesn’t live “here” anymore.
So….I’m on a slightly different path since this has all come about. I won’t elaborate on the details — they’re very personal and everything is still too early/tentative to know what’s going to stick and I don’t want to jinx this undertaking by making too specific a declaration, anyway. But suffice it to say, this is brand-new territory for me, yet another fork in the road that is coming on the heels of so many other (wonderful) forks before it.
So what’s my point in even logging this? Well partly for my own record. I want to be able to look back and remember this turning point, as no matter what it’s an interesting development regardless of what happens from here. But secondly, it’s my hope that those of you who might be struggling, can see that indeed, over time, change can and does happen. I’m here to tell you, it takes a lot of hard work and it’s sometimes so slow, its almost imperceptable, and it’s scary and frustrating at times because it doesn’t follow your mind’s blueprints and because you don’t know the outcome. But I hope this little account and update helps illuminate that these little milestones of progress add up!
We shall see. Or as the saying goes, more shall be revealed.
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Recovering Part-time Bulimic 