There are many aspects of traditional eating disorder “recovery” that I do not agree with. Just the same, there are those philosophies and approaches that I feel are quite valid. Nothing is black and white.
For starters, be it right or wrong, good or bad, I find my weight is best managed by avoiding certain foods on a daily basis. On a normal diet day, certain foods are off limits for me. Unable (more like unwilling) to eliminate certain “treat” foods from my life completely, I instead give in to periodic splurges that almost always go well beyond the point I would have preferred to stop eating. Most of you reading this will probably immediately think, “That’s wrong. If you just stop dieting, you’ll stop such extremes in eating,” or, “See, this is why dieting is bad.” But I respectfully disagree. I have found that the alternative — to stop restricting and instead allow smaller amounts of all kinds of foods on any given day (in other words, the typical “wisdom” in most weight management and/or eating disorder programs) — to be the perfect way to gain weight, with any attempt at “bodily acceptence” to be just an exercise in epic denial (and woe be to you when that “I’m still happy with this body” bubble bursts). Call me superficial, but I just can’t reconcile the larger body for myself. It may look and work okay for others, but not for me. Honestly, I would rather accept that I will probably always have a skewed relationship with food, if it means I can maintain what I believe to be my ideal physique. I know that’s not PC but it’s the reality of my mindset.
Mind you, life is too short to not enjoy delicious, decadent food. But decadent food has no place in my daily eating. If anything, I personally enjoy it MORE when I DON’T allow it in my regular diet. And oddly enough, the more I impose certain restrictions on my daily eating, the more creative I get with my cooking. I love exploring the use of fresh herbs, unusual fruits and vegetables, of making minimal use of fattening ingredients and searching out lower-calorie substitutes. It forces me to appreciate the more subtle tastes and textures of natural, minimally processed food, in ways I miss out on if I allow certain foods to be options in my daily diet. My eating habits are NOT about deprivation or virtuousness. On the contrary! But I have very specific preferences with regard to my figure, so I’m constantly trying to find ways to strike a balance between those two aspects of myself.
Now I don’t for one moment profess perfection, or to suggest that this method of eating is the best arrangement. I still get mighty cravings for extremely fattening, sugary foods, and when those cravings hit, as long as I have calculated that I can “afford” the pound or so weight gain that will ensue from the splurge, I allow myself to eat unsensored for a whole evening, and the end results are not pretty. In fact they’re pretty awful. I never emerge without huge regrets, and a renewed resolve to “stop this insanity” once and for all. There’s no doubt in my mind, I still have far to go in striking the right balance for myself.
But I still remain unconvinced that my own personal path to “sanity” is through intuitive eating or related approaches, in which no food is off limits on any given day, with the notion that sooner or later these foods will lose their allure and you’ll find yourself eating very “naturally,” gravitating towards healthier choices as a matter of instinct. Sorry, not in my case. I tried that on repeat occasions (and for sufficient periods of time, in one instance over a year), and whatever emotional freedom or “relief” I felt in stopping the cycle…was eclipsed by my misery in having a body that I no longer recognized — that wasn’t “me” anymore. If I’m going to continue to chip away at my undesired behaviors, it’s going to have to be through another means. It may take longer, it may mean I never fully extinguish the cycle of extremes (I can live with it if the frequency and intensity continues to go down!), but I’m just not willing to compromise my body, my fitness, at this time.
I make no apologies for having these preferences, but up until now, I have never let on that I even have them, out of fear of coming across as either insensitive to others or somehow in denial. People love to do that; if you so much as allude to any version of the above, they dismissively say, “Oh that’s the eating disorder talking.” Is it? Well then fine, I may just always have some aspect of that in play. I no longer care how others characterize it. But definitely this is NOT a judgment against others and their approach or philosophy; if most people feel a better peace of mind by ridding themselves of the behavior while accepting the adjustments their body makes, more power to them. This simply doesn’t appeal to me, having tried both sides of the fence. And mind you, I don’t kid myself that this isn’t dangerous or destructive behavior. Hence, this blog. I have made great strides in managing the behavior in myself over the last several years, and I plan to continue to do so. But extinguish it altogether? At this point I don’t necessarily think it’s possible. So “minimizing” is the modus operandi here.
What surprises me, considering how many people there are in this world, is how hard it is to find someone else in my specific situation. When I search out forums and blogs on the subject of eating disorders, I tend to find two groups: either the set of younger, mostly high school and college-aged girls who are struggling with anorexia and/or bulimia….or I find (mostly) women who are struggling with binge-eating disorder (or compulsive overeating, whatever you want to call it), whose recovery is centered largely on healing their emotions and attitudes — both relating to food and outside of it — while working on steadfastily eliminating any thoughts of desiring a thin/fit body. Well, that’s fine, but what about those of us who are either far further along in our “recovery,” or who never had that bad an eating disorder in the first place, or how about this: who work in an industry in which, like it or not, our bodies are part of our career success? Beyond our personal preferences, some of us can’t afford to have a certain body shape and still retain our job success, and therefore have to figure out a way to make as much amends with our eating and underlying issues, while maintaining a certain physique. Surely I can’t be the only one in this category, and yet to search the net you would think so.
But even outside of career considerations, it just plain annoys me, the kneejerk reactions to anything that resembles an eating disorder. If you have bulimia, you’re automatically supposed to want to be rid of it. This annoys me at times. Let me see. I eat extremely healthfully (typically) 90 percent of the time. My daily diet includes apples, yogurt, cottage cheese, salmon, tons of veggies, rice, peanut butter, and oatmeal. About once a week, I break out of that mold and open the gates to eat whatever I want (usually sweets — I love bread and dessert!), and almost always go way past the point of fullness when I do this. I then snap right back to my normal diet, spending the next couple of days drinking tea and watching my sodium intake to help my body deal with the spike of calories and junk food. Is it right? No, but tell me, please, how this is so much worse than the typical American daily menu, in which food from all walks of life are consumed without so much as a second thought. Tell me how this is somehow not equally something that needs to be “recovered” from, especially when you see the overweight, out-of-shape bodies rendered by this way of eating?
I said it before but I’ll say it again (hey, it’s my blog), I’m just not convinced that I can maintain the fit, lean body I enjoy having if I were to adopt the “no food is off limits” mentality common in most recovery approaches. And I’m tired of feeling like a felon for even thinking such thoughts. God forbid I should actually admit to wanting to keep a fit body more than I want to be rid of the disordered eating that comes with restrictive dieting! No, somehow we’re all supposed to sing the chorus of “diet bad, moderate eating good.” Well to hell with that! I’ve done the “moderate eating,” and you know what? I’m happier and healthier when I diet deliberately! When my choices are limited, I feel free. I can free up my mind to focus on the rest of my life, my work, my passions. Without rules, every meal brings an overwhelming decision process; too many choices! And right or wrong, I like to keep track of my calories. Having done this for so many years, I know exactly what amount I need to eat in order to keep my body where I like it. And knowing this, I like to end my day with full knowledge of whether I ate within my body’s caloric needs. Why is this wrong? Is it obsessive? Maybe. But that’s my row to tow. The way I see it, if doing so allows me to enjoy that glass of fine wine, to savor that piece of dark chocolate, to get out and take that spontaneous winter snowshoe hike, to feel the confidence of being able to be put in any situation and handle myself with joy and ease….where’s the wrong here?
One thing to keep in mind: I have never had a particularly severe case of bulimia. Obviously, none of this musing would apply if I were engaged in truly dangerous and undeniably destructive/disruptive behaviors. There’s a difference between the once-a-week after-dinner binge, in which there is no purging, only strict dieting and exercise in the days that follow, versus daily binges that are followed by vomiting or the use of laxatives. To anyone who is doing this, I urge you to seek medical treatment immediately, as I would do the same! Again, I go back to the point I made that I’m not even sure if my behavior fully qualifies as an eating disorder, anyway. Where does the disorder end and “stuff that is simply human fallability” begin? If it’s otherwise not interfering with your life, is it really something that needs to be changed at this time? I have the luxury of asking these questions expressly because I have never purged and I otherwise lead a happy and full life despite the remnant behaviors I still struggle with. Just want to be clear on that.
So in short, what I have learned is that right now, even as I renew my commitment to keep up the fight to minimize my disordered eating behaviors, I would still rather deal with the down side of dieting/bingeing cycles in exchange for having the body I want — and yes, the emotional outlet that, right or wrong, is part of the behavior. It seems counter-intuitive I know, but I actually have an easier time keeping my weight in check when I allow periodic binges, because the rest of the time I can be at peace with eating tasty, healthy, clean foods. I’m actually curious to see if having a blog as an outlet will provide an emotional release valve that will help me reduce the triggers and better manage my stress. Wouldn’t it be great if I find this to be the final blow to these behaviors!
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Recovering Part-time Bulimic 