“Play the tape all the way through to the end”

I recently heard this piece of advice on the subject of staying on path with recovery, the idea being that if you find your mind toying with picking up your addictive substance or behavior of choice, and you find yourself falling into the “trap” rationalization of “I’ll just have one” or “I’ll just do a little bit” or whatever…..that you “play the tape all the way through to the end” in your mind.  What has happened every (or almost every) other time you have tried this?

I just love this!  I’m finding it’s a great — if sobering — way to keep myself grounded in reality, and not in wishful or magical thinking.  I’m also finding it a useful tool in other thought processes.  Like, the other day, I was out for a run, and found myself feeling a bit self-conscious (sigh, some body image issues are tough to die) about my legs.  Whereas they are normally very lean and muscular, if I’ve consumed too many carbs or too much sodium on a given day, I can see a “softening” to them the next day.  Given that my legs have always been my best feature, this distresses me, which is ridiculous, I know, and for many reasons.  But still, it does.  I feel more timid when I go out for a run, like somehow the world is noticing the momentary change.  I know, how self-centered can you get!  But now I’m using the “play the tape” cue to walk myself out of that thinking.  In the case of this run, while running I thought, “Gosh, I feel embarrassed about my legs.”  Play the tape some more:  Why?  “Because they’re softer today as a result of yesterday’s carbs and sodium.”  Play the tape some more:  And?  “And I feel like I don’t look as much like a runner to passing motorists and fellow pedestrians.”  More tape:  And?  “And….well that doesn’t really matter, does it?”  Still more tape:  Anything else?  “I can choose to make better food choices, such as reduce my sodium, which is probably better for my health, anyway, but more importantly, I need to stay focused on my work and being the person I was meant to be, which may include being at my personal fitness best, but thankfully does not include ‘being the most fit and buff runner people have ever seen.’ ”

Not the most impressive self-talk, perhaps, but it did change my thinking, so I’m calling it progress.  I’m definitely adding this one to my tool bag!

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Study: People becoming heavier because it’s socially okay to do so

I was reading about a study that was done recently (link to article here:  http://www.emaxhealth.com/109/14800.html), that suggests a most un-p.c. conclusion:  the increase in people’s weight in this country is partly the result of it being socially acceptable to be heavier.

Whether you agree with the study’s conclusion or not, I must admit, I have always maintained that in order to keep yourself at a certain weight range — one that requires a great deal of work, you must not only strongly desire to be “there,” you must ALSO feel a specific dislike at either the thought or experience of being above that range (for yourself, not suggesting what others should or shouldn’t do or feel).  You have to.  Because eating cleanly is difficult.  It demands constant, daily attention (ever notice how when you return to work Monday it takes you a little while to return to exactly where you left off on Friday?  What do you think happens to your body when you take a few days off from working on your eating and exercise?), and when the going gets tough, you’d better have some strong, underlying motivation to stick it out or you’ll find your eating — and subsequent weight — about as stable and resolved as a rogue plastic grocery bag on a blustery day.

Now, don’t misunderstand me.  I would never advocate you set unrealistic standards for yourself.  I know where my own body “settles in” when my eating is squeaky clean (not perfect, but clean most of the time) and I’m exercising daily (again, most of the time).  It’s where I have the most energy, the most restorative sleep, and indeed, where I prefer my physical appearance.  Given that my weight readily maintains itself below the national average, deep down I could never accept my body at this country’s “average,” because I’d know deep down it would not reflect my body at its optimal health and fitness; if anything, to be there would indicate something has gone awry with my exercise and/or eating plan.  But this works on the other end of the spectrum, too.  If your genetics predispose you to a seeming setpoint that’s considerably *higher* than the average even in light of consistent, clean eating (and I do mean “consistent” and “clean” — I don’t mean what most people convince themselves is “consistent” and “clean”), then indeed, it would not do you well to shoot for a level of leanness that’s far beneath what you believe you can achieve.

Or would it?  I’m beginning to question if there’s a potential benefit in aiming high, probably higher than what you know you can achieve.  Does this not make you reach further?  Will you not make a harder effort when you set ambitious goals for yourself?  What I’m seeing all around me is evidence that people are settling for mediocrity, that “good enough” is….well, good enough.  Don’t expect greatness of yourself, because gosh, then you might disappoint yourself if you don’t reach it.  Don’t set your goals too high, because gosh, that takes more work.  How awful, those who limit themselves so!  In the overall scheme of things, most of us are capable of just about anything.  Don’t tell me you have no sense of direction, you can’t read a map, you can’t cook, you can’t <fill in the blank>.  Those are copouts!  You CAN do these things!  But you might have to work harder, subject yourself to some discomfort or embarrassment, and yes, you’ll have to focus and keep pushing yourself even when you don’t want to, and YES, sometimes a little harsh self-talk is the greatest gift you can give yourself.  I don’t mean, “I’ve gained five pounds.  I suck.”  I mean, “I’ve let myself gain five pounds.  I know better.”

I once read that alcoholism and other addictions are curiously more prevalent in areas/societies/cultures/countries that don’t frown upon it, and in some cases actually make light of or celebrate inebriation, and that it’s curiously sparse in countries/cultures/societies/families/circles that view such lack of self-control in an extremely negative, face-losing light.  Why would weight be any different, I wonder?

It’s just one more reminder that in the end, if you wish to be where you wish to be, YOU have to set the standards for yourself.  You must dismiss whether it’s socially acceptable or not and determine what YOUR best body/health/level of fitness is at, and don’t let yourself be swayed by where the wave of humanity is orienting themselves at the moment.  Just as we can’t let ads, TV shows, etc. or unrealistically thin/”perfect” women’s bodies lure us into setting those kind of standards for ourselves, so too do we need to ignore if “everyone else” seems to be okay with letting their bodies grow to sizes we don’t wish for ourselves.

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“This body is not who I am anymore”

Wow.  What a powerful and poignant statement.  It was made by someone who had recovered from her disordered eating behavior — in her case, years of abusing food in the form of regular binges, in stifling emotions and coping with life’s stresses by focusing all her attentions on food.  Now, having gone through the long process of working through her emotional and behavioral issues, she is free of destructive thinking and no longer binges at all.  But the results of the turmoil (her word) she suffered for so many years are now stubbornly still clinging to her body in the form of significant excess weight.  But since so many eating disorder recovery programs rebuff the notion of dieting for ANY reason (“dieting” being anything from jumping on the fad of the moment or simply adopting a food plan), she’s trying to figure out how best to now resolve the physical end of her recovery.  Unfortunately, as probably most of us know, once you gain weight, it takes a huge amount of effort to reverse that number and begin to lose, even if you’re no longer eating scary-big portions.  This is where this woman is at.  How do you make the changes — which yes, include some uncomfortable sacrifices (show me someone who has lost weight without EVER feeling a pang of hunger or craving…..and I’ll show you someone who’s being either dishonest or delusional or both) — that will begin to remove the “calling card” to a problem you no longer have?  Especially since being significantly overweight restricts a person from so many activities, either literally or just from an enjoyment perspective, it’s understandable that once the eating disorder is resolved, the desire to “rejoin all that life has to offer” enters the picture (as it should).  But yuck, that’s a frustration I hope I never have to confront.  You’re no longer that person, but until you can make the kind of intense changes that bring forth otherwise, your body is still stuck where it was when you were “that person” so long ago.

You know, the more I read the more I even wonder if I even *have* an eating disorder.  Does the fact that I occassionally surrender to a food binge, followed by several days of kicking it up a notch with my exercise (never to the point where I hurt myself) and squeaky-clean eating, automatically mean I have bulimia?  The more I’m reading about the whole mentality, the “if only I’d be thinner, I would be happier, I’m a horrible loser because I ate an extra string bean” has no place in my thought process.  I would never go on a fad diet; in fact I would never go on a diet that isn’t of my own design as I can’t stand being told what I can and cannot eat.  But I don’t deny that there are strong, irrefutable links between what we eat and our health, weight, and disease risk.  I never kid myself when I’m straying from sound eating choices and I thus find that having some specific rule structure to my eating is a necessity for me.  I’m starting to think my occasional lapses are simply that….. lapses.  They alone don’t constitute an eating disorder.

But going back to the topic at hand, the one thing I have always advocated — and this person’s dilemma just reiterates it — is that physical recovery really should occur concurrent to the emotional/mental recovery.  I think part of being an adult is being able to develop the maturity and strength to confront our habits on both ends.  You’re already making the effort on the one end.  Why wait before starting the other?  If anything, the sooner you start to rout out the behaviors and habits that are rendering your body something you don’t want, something that is unhealthy for you and not representative of the person you wish to be, the faster you can establish constructive habits to replace the bad ones and help you form your new identity.  Obviously, there’s a rhythm to this; at times you may not be able to be as aggressive with the physical end of things as you’d like, but all too often, I think we back off of keeping the good fight going, because (let’s face it) it’s HARD!  And given we all have egos that like to be protected against self-admonishment, it’s much “nicer” to tell yourself you just can’t do it right now as you have so much emotional turmoil to deal with, rather than say you’re CHOOSING to not engage in positive behaviors because you’re not enjoying how difficult it is.  Who wants to own up to that?  But I think the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you’ll find yourself sticking it out more often when the going gets tough, which ultimately will help you see those positive results and WOW if that isn’t a confidence and self esteem booster, I don’t know what is!

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Can there REALLY be a happy medium? Do moderation AND body contentment really co-exist?

I think one of the reasons I remain, at least on some level, eating “disordered” (meaning, I maintain rules of eating that sometimes run against what I would “want” at a given moment and/or that require I sometimes deny or ignore my hunger — physical, emotional, or otherwise — and yes, I still stumble from time to time, though I’m not convinced the two behaviors are necessarily related) is because, quite frankly, I’ve yet to find enough evidence that a happy medium between the two extremes — moderation and body contentment — is (for the most part) attainable.  I read about recovery stories, blogs, and posts from individuals who are attempting to move past compulsive eating or bulimic behaviors, and what I often see are either people who forever remain bogged down in examining their emotional reasons for their problem (trust me, that’s a pit that is probably bottomless…..if you think you must wait before you resolve all of those before you embark on the physical end of recovery, my friend, you’re going to be waiting a long time), or people who have recovered from the destructive eating behavior (they no longer binge or engage in dieting, purging, etc.), but now feel expressedly sad, miserable, etc. about their body, which almost inevitably is considerably heavier than it was when they were engaging in restricting/dieting/etc.  Or, they’ve recovered in that they neither engage in eating disorder behaviors and they have made their peace with having a body that isn’t necessarily society’s definition of “fit and buff,” but are now faced with the dilemma of being told by their doctor that they have some health issues (hypertension, cholesterol, borderline diabetes, etc.) that really need to be addressed in part with their diet.  My heart goes out to these people; they seem genuinely caught between the rock and the hard place, honestly believing that to impose any dietary changes or restrictions is a Bad Thing and will send them back into the throes of their ED…..yet to do nothing means they’re quite possibly putting their health at risk.  Plus…..and this may sound terrible…..I’m not sure what I’m reading in their posts is that their life has become better now that they’ve systematically removed any sense of desire to “fare la bella figura” — to put forth their best physique and appearance.

Truly, at least for myself, I think the carrot stick of desiring a thin and fit appearance, while at times maddening and depressing and craze-inducing, is also quite energizing and electrifying.  I think the pursuit of greatness in ALL areas of life:  career, skills, hobbies, relationships, lifestyle….is part of what makes life interesting, fun, fulfilling.  Taking myself as an example, I work in a highly visual area; my appearance is part of my job and my image/career success is, at least to an extent, hooked into the perception that I maintain a high level of fitness.  And as you might expect, there are times when this really gets to me.  I don’t have the luxury to “hide” behind “safe” clothes on a day I have PMS bloat; I can’t tuck myself into a cubicle and do my job quietly on a day I’m feeling fat from some recent eating indiscretions.  No, I’m on display pretty much every day, and it’s a stress I have to deal with proactively or it can consume me.  Every now and then, I’ll have a week off from my normal schedule, where I will be working primarily out of the house.  And every single time, I look at this week with great anticipation.  A whole week without having to put myself out there!  I think of the joy of just having a nice meal, no need to worry if the foods are inclined to bloat me or if the extra sodium will cause changes that are visible the next day.  Somehow I always expect that my eating will go so much easier without this pressure on my shoulders.

 Well guess what.  It never fails.  Every SINGLE time I have this down time, my eating all but falls apart.  Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m bingeing every night or anything like that.  But as much as I have the best of intentions, without the means of holding myself accountable — in this case, the “instant feedback” of having my body in a revealing article of clothing the next day for all to see, I become way too casual about my indiscretions.  Is this wrong?  Maybe, maybe not.  Are there people out there who don’t need *some* outside influence to keep them on track?  Maybe, but evidently I’m not one of them.  And you know what?  The relief I feel in being able to wear whatever I want and know I look darn fit and trim is WAY better than the angst I feel surrounding the dieting, the restricting, the rules, and yes, even the binges/splurges/falls.

The other thing that makes me skeptical about the whole moderation-meets-body-contentment fantasy (if someone can tell me their story and convince me otherwise, I’d love to be swayed differently), is the fact that of the rare people I’ve encountered in my life who happen to be thin and yet have never dieted (yeah, all 11 of them 🙂 ), they all seem to have an interesting trait in common:  they are fully capable of allowing themselves to become extremely hungry…..and they don’t fuss about it.  If they work super-late and arrive home ravenous….they don’t always respond by eating; they may instead go to bed, in the notion that sleep trumps food at that moment.  And they don’t make a big deal of it.  The next day comes and they’re back to normal.  Or they’ll have a craving for a certain kind of food, and while already ravenous, take the time to spend a couple of hours cooking that meal, calmly, sedately, because THAT is the food they’re desiring.  They have no issue with delayed gratification, and don’t seem to take out their extra hunger by overeating at the meal.  It just doesn’t occur to them.

It’s beginning to make me think what we really all need to do is learn to experience physical, even emotional, hunger, and just be okay with it.  End of analysis.  If you want to be thin, that’s the sacrifice you need to make.  And if you’re overall a bit crankier because of it, well, is that necessarily a bad thing?  If that’s the compromise you’re willing to make, then where’s the harm? 

I was reading Bob Greene’s latest book the other day, and he makes an interesting point in talking about why people don’t keep themselves at their goal once they’ve lost the weight.  Now I don’t completely agree with his over-simplification of a lot of the situation (though I guess such is necessary when you’re creating a program for a mass audience), but he makes an interesting statement that flies head-on into the face of the eating disorder recovery camp.  He says that whenever he asks someone how they felt upon losing all the weight — the eating right, the exercise, etc. — they all say the same thing, that they’ve never felt better!

So who’s right?  Those who believe to be thin and fit and having the diet/exercise to support that is where you’ll feel at your best…..or those who believe you’re at your best when you let go of trying to control your weight, instead embracing wherever your body lands?  Obviously I personally fall into the first group for the most part, but is it possible they’re both right, that it simply boils down to, what do you want?  If you can’t have both, which do you want?

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