One of the more sobering revelations of recovery for me is that it’s never truly static. There’s a part of my mind that loves the idea of, “This is THE Solution, From Here on Out.” In that regard, on some level I find the recovery from alcohol a bit enviable; if you’re of the total abstinence camp, then that’s it, you’re done (as far as pinpointing what it is you need to avoid). It’s not like, “Gee, for now I’ll just have 4 ounces of beer after dinner, and maybe next month I’ll switch that to a glass of Riesling every Friday night.” But with eating, there’s just no cut-and-dried, permanent definition of what I can and cannot eat — at least for me (ditto for behaviors, but that’s a tangent for another post). Furthermore, the criteria on which these “cans” and “cannots” are determined are different for each person. My definition of recovery includes keeping my body within a certain weight range, which means I may have to deal with more cravings or imposed choices with my eating than someone whose goal is to be more at peace with her food, and is more surrendered to letting the weight “chips” fall where they may based on that criteria. I think that’s part of what makes listening to others’ stories confusing at times. Someone who appears to be more “settled” in her eating habits, who doesn’t seem to fluctuate in what her food plan entails, may in fact feel perfectly comfortable at a weight range that wouldn’t work for me, and this allows her to perhaps be more relaxed about how much she’s eating, what she’s eating, etc. It’s been my experience that the more precise one’s weight goals, the more meticulous one’s food planning needs to be, and the more likely that there will be times that satiety will have to be partly sacrificed for the overarching goal. It’s just the realities of weight management, especially for a person who’s natural appetite is still quite high.
Anyway, with the above in mind, one way I strive to stay on top of my recovery and eating is to remain hyper-vigilant of constantly reviewing what’s currently working and what is not. For me, this is more or less a daily process. At the very least, I’m logging my food, the calories, etc., and in so doing, momentarily reflecting on my overall sense of how the day went, how it felt. But I’m also frequently pulling out my personal food list, scanning it (partly for menu planning — i.e. “Oh yeah, that’s right! I can have grilled zucchini! Oh maybe I’ll make some with dinner…”), reflecting on how satisfied I am with my meals and their impact on my fitness, satiety, health and body shape, and determining whether some tweaking is in order. There are foods that work brilliantly for me for a long time, then all of a sudden start to cause problems, at which point I’ll often remove them from the list temporarily. Then there are those foods I have avoided for a long time, but that I’m momentarily pondering. I may put those tentatively on the list, and see if this time around I may have better success in incorporating them into my plan.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, other than to acknowledge that, while this can feel tedious at times — I think my inner “recovery police” sometimes wants to take a cynical assessment of this. Like, “Well gee if you were REALLY recovered, would you need to be doing this?” — I’m increasingly recognizing that for me, yes, I need to do this. For my goals and how I define recovery, this isn’t just necessary, this is PART of that recovery. To me this is part of the concept of “going to any length” in order to get and keep recovery. If anything, it’s kinda cool, to see this shaping up. I feel as though I’m watching the dust from the “big bang” of my recovery settling into something that has definition, shape, and substance to it. If I must engage in this kind of constant planning and assessment, I’m OK with this!
I AM noticing one big challenge with all of this tweaking: that of remaining fully honest when visiting and revisiting this list. I think it just naturally comes with the territory. Just as reviewing and honing this list has enabled me to find a delightful food plan that has worked extraordinarily well over the last couple of months — I love my food, I’m learning that the same process of exploration has led to some dead ends and wrong turns. I find that I have to constantly ask myself if an item I wish to add is truly a food that should be part of my plan, even if only my “treat nights only” plan, right now. Sure, there’s one quick way to find out the answer — add the item and then sit back and watch what happens. Funny how it doesn’t take long for trouble to surface if that item is not fit to be on the list right now! But who wants to go through that every time? At the same time, I have to guard against being too cautious, too restrictive, as I’ve noticed that when I limit my options too much, there’s that sense of never being fully satiated. When that happens, it’s possible that it’s not so much the food choices themselves, it’s that I’m not in the best state of mind — that is, I’m not operating with a mindset that says, let’s explore all the wonderful tastes, recipes and combinations provided by what’s on this list. Or it’s possible that I’m narrowing my range so much that I end up doing more damage in noshing on a bunch of semi-satiating items, when to simply allow a little more leniency would have enabled me to have “the” item and be done with it.
Bottom line is, it’s a constant dance! I’m hopeful that as time goes on, I’ll continue to master the steps.
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 