The Mighty Pull of the Habitual Comfort Zone

I’ve been having quite a nice summer (notice I’m not putting that in the past tense, because I’m in DENIAL that the warm weather season is coming to an end!), some ups and downs but overall I feel good about my ongoing growth.  I hate to frame this in terms of weight — life is so much more than just that, but given the theme of this blog, I will go ahead and report that my weight has been generally “steady” to “good,” meaning I’ve been probably 1-3 pounds above where I like my weight during the course of the season.  One wonders what psychological mechanism (and it has to be that) keeps me from crossing that invisible barrier (my working theory is that the brain likes the path of least resistence, and as long as it sees me within a stone’s throw distance from my “fighting weight,” it decides it’s safe and okay to allow me some leeway that day), but I hope that barrier is finally crossed again soon.

Which brings me to today’s topic.  There came a point this summer in which I had one of my infamous “house cleanings,” lifestyle-wise.  I need these every now and then; I reach a point in which I’ve become stagnant in certain choices of foods, of articles I read, of things I listen to, etc., and must abruptly switch gears because all these things seem to be doing is reinforcing my struggle.  So I strip them away and go back to some reliable basics, and almost inevitably see myself returning to “myself.”  And right or wrong, one of the ways I monitor this progress back to “myself” is via my naked body checks.  You know what I mean.  First thing in the morning, give the careful once over, up and down, assess leanness, shape, muscles, etc.  Yes the scale is sometimes used, but by now I know about where those numbers probably are based on certain visual criteria, so the intense body scruitiny remains my measurement device of choice.

So with some of these changes came the results I was hoping for, and I must admit a relief upon seeing them!  I think I’ve said this before, but the way I describe how I feel/behave when my weight is in place is, I can relax and get my mind onto other things.  Ironically, as much as this morning “assessment ritual” seems counterintuitive to obsession-free conduct, that’s in fact exactly what happens; if my body meets my hopes and expectations upon that first checkpoint, I can let go and NOT think about it for the rest of the day.  If, on the other hand, I awaken with a bloated stomach or a body that clearly reflects some recent “exceeding my caloric needs” days….my clothes don’t fit the same and I feel as though I’m already entering the day compromised, like no matter what I do or how well I perform work-wise, it can’t add up to 100%.  It may seem a harsh way to operate but it’s how I stay on top of myself (sad to say, the call of junk food is still quite loud at times, even as I know I don’t even like some of those things anymore).

OK, so I shook things up, made some changes, and got back to a place that I feel good about this summer.  Only problem:  This was shortly followed by 1) an extended business trip, 2) a personal vacation with my husband, 3) a temporary change in my work schedule, 4) some social events with people who matter very much to me.  These occurrences, while positive — every one of them, would have been challenging enough (on the eating habits) under any circumstances, but making matters harder, they all fell very shortly after I’d initiated my latest lifestyle changes, before (apparently) they’d had the chance to displace the old habits and become my new “default” setting.  So predictably, once I emerged from all the turmoil entailed from working with each of these events……I found myself stepping back not to the more positive habits I had planted shortly before, but the old habits I had successfully shed.  Worse, it took a little while to realize this had happened!

So let this be a lesson to all of us:  beware the comfort zone you build for yourself, for in times of discombobulation (even the good kind), this is what you’re likely to turn back to.  I am now working to rebuild my “new and improved” habits from before all of the above took place, and I’m afraid I don’t have a crystal-clear memory of my state of mind from then; I’m having, essentially, to start from scratch and reset my mindset all over again.   I appear to be succeeding, but it’s slow.  My main goal now is to keep building these new habits, and to do so over a long enough period so as to make this mode of action the “norm,” lest I find myself thrown out of my routine and in need of returning to the familiar.  Let’s hope “this” is what becomes “familiar”!

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HUGE key to success: It’s easier to STAY on the wagon than to get back on if you fall off

Quick update if only to crystalize this Ah-HAH that’s in my brain.

Yeah, you can probably file this one under the “duh” category.  But to “know” something…..and to somehow have it “click” into place are often two entirely different brain processes.  I believe I’ve finally just experienced the latter with this.

I’ve been in conversation with people who have lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for the long haul.  I’ve never been more than what most might call “vanity pounds” above the weight I prefer to keep myself at, so while I do have insight as to how to lose and successfully maintain/manage one’s weight, talking with folks who once weighed 50, 60, 80 or 100 pounds or more over their optimal weight is a good reminder to me that I still have plenty to learn from others.  Sure, we all have the shared experience of having to change our lifestyle — our eating, our exercise, etc. — for the sake of managing our weight.  But sometimes there are lessons that I overlook, words of wisdom that I “forget” yet may still resonate very much with me, that people in this position can offer as important reminders.

One such lesson — more a reminder of what I already know — is the importance of fiercely adhering to whatever is working for you, whatever program or approach or combination of eating and exercise strategies you have adopted.  Common sense, of course, but the overarching reason is not necessarily what you think.

Let’s face it.  The crux of why people get frustrated when they seem forever “stuck” at the starting gate with weight loss….is because for whatever reason, they have not reached the point in which they’re mentally fully ready to accept the change of lifestyle needed to lose and maintain their weight from where they’re currently at.  We hear testimonials all the time regarding various weight loss programs; comments from successful “losers” who proudly proclaim that they’d tried every other diet out there, but only once they tried This One did the pounds come off.  The implication being that This One is the better program; the rest are useless.

But we know better.  The truth is, the person could have put themselves on the 3 Snickers Bars A Day diet, or the McDonald’s Coffee and Salad Diet, or the Lean Cuisine for Breakfast, Special K for Dinner diet.  The bottom line is, they were READY to take on the hardships required to adhere to the change of lifestyle long-term.  That’s all.  No magic, no superior program.  They were ready to change.

It explains why people who do lose weight successfully on a sound, healthy program (Weight Watchers, just for an example), maybe even keep it off for a little while, only to regain the weight…..struggle miserably at getting back on that same program, even if they insist that they enjoyed the program the first time around and never felt better than when on the program.  The spark of inspiration — which at times can seem as elusive as getting the planets all in alignment — was lit the first time around for them; but sadly, not the second.

And worse, it’s hard to say what specifically causes that spark to ignite.  How many of us have had false starts before things finally “clicked”?  Probably most, if not all of us.  What makes it happen finally?  Hard to say.

But that’s the point of this post.  What I’m realizing, both in myself and in talking with these people who have lost — and maintained — a great deal of weight, is that it’s FAR easier to “stay on the wagon” once you’re on it….than to get yourself back on if you fall off.  In other words, once you’re on it, do EVERYTHING in your power to cling on for dear life when you go over those bumps in the road.  Even if you THINK the danger has passed, you are no longer vulnerable to the triggers or cravings or <insert whatever factors here> that threatened your derailment (or led to derailment) before, stay vigilant.  Even if the road gets so rough that to keep yourself in your healthy behaviors is a royal pain in the neck, feeling almost impossible at times, even if it makes no “sense” to keep certain rules in place, even if you feel you “deserve” to cut yourself a break…just a short break….stick to your guns.  Stay the course.  You may not realize you’ll be happier for it, but you will be.  Sadly, we can be woefully amnesic about fully comprehending our vulnerabilities when we’re being seduced by our personal cryptonite.  But the bottom line is, no matter what, once that rough road passes, you’ll have a much easier — saner — time getting yourself back to a state of balance than you would if you’d allowed yourself to tumble off that wagon, thinking “That’s okay, I’ll just run back up and jump back on.”  Oh, if only it were so easy!  You just don’t know when that spark of readiness will strike again.  I dare say, if we look at our lives as a whole, these moments of readiness happen very sparsely.  This holds true for our eating, our careers, our relationships, our creativity with right-brain activities, etc.  There’s a reason they say to writers and artists that when the muse hits, run with it, because there’s no telling when it will hit again.  I suspect the same is true for weight loss and lifestyle.  Once you’re rolling, you can fight the good fight to stay on track, but it still pales in comparison to falling off track and then struggling to get back on again.

It is, this little revelation, the one instance in which I can understand the mentality of OA:  the idea that it’s far easier to resist that first bite of your non-abstinent food, or that first foray into non-abstinent behavior, than to break your abstinence and have to start from scratch.  You wouldn’t think that falling off “just once” could bring you back to scratch, and maybe some stumbles won’t.  But who wants to take that chance?  Best to not get complacent and put yourself in the position to find out the answer to that.

In my case, it means I have to re-commit to certain realities of my own wellness program.  In more specific terms, it means I have to keep my choices narrow, I have to keep certain foods out of my menu altogether, and I have to not let myself forget certain realities of meal timing that, while not a problem for most other people, is most certainly a problem for me.  To divert from any of these rules (I have more, these are just some examples) is to ignore certain realities of myself, my history, my vulnerabilities.  Which means to break these rules, for me, is to take myself off the wagon.

I suspect it’s not unlike someone who needs to wear prescription glasses or contacts.  Or someone who had a ski accident many years before and had to have reconstructive surgery to their knees.  You can’t go back and pretend you have perfect vision without the aid of a device, and you can’t behave as though your knees have the recovery/mobility of someone without your injury/surgery history.

I lost my concentration in the attempt to ignore my realities, and I’m getting some loud and clear feedback that I need to get back on that wagon…..and stop fantasizing about stepping smugly off when the wagon slows down so that I can collect some roadside flowers.  Take pictures of the damn flowers and keep your eye on the road!

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Lightbulb moment! I use my dinner to “decompress”!

This month has produced so many interesting realizations.  Initially I simply made it my goal that if I were to binge, I would limit myself to only the foods already in the house.  In other words, no special trips to the store, no purchases of normally “forbidden” options.  Doing this, I speculated, would remove some of the allure, knowing that all I’d be eating are those foods that are already part of my meal plan.  And indeed, it’s amazing how this helped diffuse the urges.  They’re still there, but for sure this helped calm down my eating.

Then I issued a challenge to myself, to pursue 90 days of “abstinence,” abstinence being, a break from bingeing altogether.  I felt I’d reached the point in which I was ready to tackle this, though I also knew that putting it out there would be risky.  90 days is a long time, and more over, the definition of “abstinence” can be massaged tremendously.  Nothing drives me crazier than when a person sets out to accomplish a goal, falls short of it, and rather than own up to it and maybe speculate on what went wrong or maybe whtether the goal was too ambitious or mismatched, they simply skirt the issue, give some general, “Well, at least I didn’t GAIN additional weight” or whatever.  Hey, the idea is to set goals and make an honest effort — and be honest with yourself, not to let things peeter out and avoid confronting the fizzle.  This is something I WON’T do on this blog.  What you read is what is happening.  You won’t see me back down or side step what has actually happened.  What’s the point?  Self-deception and denial are the fuel that keeps us in our current situations.  If you want to change you have to face both the triumphs and the discomforts of tripping.

Anyway, I have a whole lot to say with regard to those two challenges I’d issued myself.  Lots of progress, some stumbles, some imperfections.  But this has been a very different month from December, or really any period of time over the last several years.  It’s scary at times, because I’m not totally sure I like where this is taking me, but it’s also encouraging at times, as it certainly can suggest the opposite:  that I’ve stepped up to a new platform in my growth from my eating disorder.

In any event, the change of eating and restrictions in terms of binge behavior has led to a number of insights and realizations.  Last night (really, this morning) was one of them. 

I have to admit, a large factor in my eating choices has to do with calorie density.  What I mean is, I tend to try to choose foods that I enjoy, but that also provide the biggest “bang” (volume, for example) for the calorie “buck”.  Fruit, vegetables, popcorn, nonfat yogurt, sorbet, fish, fat-free cottage cheese, sugar-free jam, rice cakes, oatmeal.  You get the idea.  Don’t get me wrong, I also include olive oil (love to cook), dried fruit, sunflower seeds, rice (neither very low nor very high in calories), peanut butter, etc.  But by and large, I gravitate towards foods that both fill me up and take a long time to eat, while providing the minimum calories for that amount.  Among the foods I don’t tend to eat:  bread, butter, dry cereal, most meats (just don’t care for), potatoes, pasta, desserts, sugar, chips, crackers, cheese….you get the idea.  I also tend to shy away from certain fruits that, while tasty, are easy to overeat and are rather high in calories.  Grapes, for example, as much as I love them.  Bananas are about a 50/50; I’ll go through phases where I’m eating them constantly, then not at all.

Anyway, I know these aren’t exactly well-kept diet secrets.  I’m sure many people do this as it makes perfect sense.  Why not choose Food A over Food B if Food A is just as enjoyable as Food B, only with Food A you can eat more for the same calories?  Common sense.

But I discovered something REALLY interesting last night!

I had a good day yesterday overall.  Work went very well.  However, given my nature, I tend to get “wound up” by the end of the evening.  I work a job that demands long hours, usually quite late.  And as much as I adore my job, what ends up happening is I get so excited and jubilant as I work, by the end of my day I’m literally ready to run a 5K.  I can’t even listen to music en route home, settling instead for talk radio that I don’t even care for, just because I need to hear someone talking; I’m too wound up to concentrate/”relax” enough to listen to music, even though I normally LOVE listening to music.  This I’ve known about myself for many years.

And I’ve also known that part of the force that drives my binges is this very trait; I get wound up and it predisposes me to make impulsive, bad choices with my eating.  I can have my normal plan in place for the whole day, only to have some weird metamorphosis occur within those final two hours of the evening, leading to my making (almost always foolish) last-minute changes that almost always leads to disaster.

Knowing this about myself, I’d made some recent (as in, within the last 4 months or so) attempts to mitigate this effect.  Since I can’t seem to change the way I go about my work, my thought was, maybe there’s some intervening activity I can perform between driving home from work and arriving home for dinner.  Because once I’m home, it’s like this ticker clock goes off, and I can’t make my dinner fast enough.  So for a little while there, I was stopping off at the gym, not to exercise so much as to do other things:  sauna, sit in the Jacuzzi, stretch, sip some tea at the cafe, get a manicure, etc.  Just *something* to help diffuse my hyperactivity.  And lo and behold, it definitely helped.  I not only did better with my eating, I also loved these indulgences, began to look forward to them.

Admittedly, as the holidays approached I began to stop doing this.  Why?  Not sure, actually.  Without a doubt, it’s a bit exhausting.  My days are long and this additional activity demands its own extra effort.  At this time of the year especially (cold, snow, ice), it becomes more of a hassle.

Okay, so last night I had a good evening at work, but a few (normal) stresses as well.   I was doing okay with my eating this week — some issues, some of them scary, but overall well.  I had no reason to believe last night would be anything but a success in terms of my sticking to the meal plan.

So I got home, cooked my dinner, which was delicious.  Healthy, warm, nourishing.  I emerged very happy and content.

But then…. I kept going.  Oddly enough, I literally almost exactly repeated my day’s food.  In other words, nothing exotic, no treats, I had almost exactly the same foods I’d eaten on my meal plan yesterday.  Definitely well in excess of what my body needs (great….back to “damage conrol” mode), but not a single “woo hoo I’m eating this!” forbidden pleasure-type foods.  Vegetables.  Soup.  An Asian apple-pear.  Sugar-free dietetic mousse from a mix.  No out-of-control portions, though by the time I stopped it was definitely enough to cause a great deal of stomach distress.  I went to bad extremely angry at myself.  What the HELL?

It wasn’t until this morning that I realize what I do.

I use my dinner to decompress.

And last night….. I had more stress to “vent” than normal.  And guess what.  My dinner didn’t “last” long enough for the full decompression to take place.  Because it was weird, the impulse to eat more came out of nowhere.  It was as though I felt a certain let-down upon finishing my dinner, like, “But I’m not READY to be done with this yet!”  I didn’t feel hungry per se, just wanted to keep eating.  But I didn’t want to undo the progress I’d made this month or gain weight (well…at least not gain so much weight that I couldn’t get back on track quickly), so I fastidiously avoided any foods that would constitute my “treat” foods.  By keeping my foods within my “normal” options I avoided initiating that “what the hell, I’ve already eaten this, may as well go for the things I’ve been craving!” switch.  But still, I ate.  And well in excess of what I needed.  But I had no problem stopping long before I might normally have stopped with my “regular” binges.  So something was definitely different here.

And that’s when I realized this this morning.  I had more on my mind last night.  More “stuff” to release.  The safety valve was my dinner, only the safety valve was not opened for long enough to fully release the pressure that had built.  I had to re-open the valve and keep it open until all pressure had released.  I could then stop and relax, albeit now with a whole new stress in its place.

So here I sit, with a bloated stomach and this realization.  Which means I have to do something about this.

Clearly, I have to figure out how to release that steam, that built-up energy (which by the way is often positive, which makes it even worse as I feel like I’m truly abusing food for NO good reason!) in some other way.  Yes, I’ve become good at sitting with my emotions and not letting them sway me the way they used to.  And yes, I’m valuing my body and my sense of worth more than ever, which is one reason I made these challenges for myself this month.  But I don’t think any amount of recovery from the ED will negate the fact that I’m inclined to work myself up when I’m at work (or anything — I get excited and happy and sad and intensely passionate in so much of what I do).  I need some additional strategy to take that edge off of the pressure, so that dinner becomes the tail end of that unwinding process.

What to do?  Not sure yet.  I could resume my hit-the-gym-after-work routine, but I also need something I can do at home.  Last night, for example, would have been out of the question for that strategy as the temperatures dropped below zero, with windchills even worse.  I need to keep it practical and accessible enough that I’ll readily be able to follow through with it.

Got some brainstorming to do!

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Emotions and urges: As fleeting as that fluke spring snowstorm

I did something Saturday that I’m not happy with.  It was a setback and I have to nip this one in the bud.  I try not to overanalyze these things — i.e. what triggered me.  I mean, what does it matter what triggered me?  It skirts the point:  that things will happen and the real problem is in letting “things” trigger me.  To let myself be triggered at all.  Besides which, how do I really KNOW what triggered me?  I had a number of stressful moments that day.  How do I know which (if any) were a contributing factor?

Anyway, in recognizing that Saturday was just one more reminder of how important it is that I cultivate my own resilience — so that I’m not dependent on what does or does not happen in my life in terms of where my behavior goes on any given day, I had an interesing thought Sunday.

I have often lamented about people — usually men — who tragically lose their life due to a heart attack (or other deadly incident, but it’s usually a heart attack) while attempting to shovel their driveway after a freak spring snowfall.  Always a horrible occurrence, but all the more so under those circumstances.  Why?  Because the snow will probably be gone — melted — if they only wait 24 hours!  It’s one thing to head outside in the middle of January, but when the forecast calls for a sunny day back in the 50’s or 60’s the next day?  What a wasteful and unnecessary death!  Granted, one could argue that if a person’s heart disease is such that a deadly heart attack occurs under those circumstance, well, it was just a matter of time.  But I disagree.  Even if that were so, the problem is that these heart attacks often happen when no one is around but the person doing the shoveling.  Time is so critical; if help were summoned when he/she first collapses, there’s hope of rescue and then taking steps to resolve the heart disease for the long term.  But what often happens is that the person collapses, the loved one or whoever is in the house doesn’t realize until it’s too late.

Anyway, my whole point of bringing this up is because I’m realizing that emotions and urges aren’t so different, and therefore triggers can be approached with that same mindset.  I WILL experience emotions that put my mind ill at ease.  I WILL experience urges for whatever reason.  I WILL feel “triggered.”  But just as that spring snow is fleeting and will be gone if only we wait it out, so too will that emotion/urge/trigger.  Let it pass and soon it’s history, no trace even to act as a reminder.  But act on the impulse of the moment and you’re engaging in that same tragic short-sightedness as the man who insists on shoveling the 2″ of wet snow from his driveway.  Puts a whole different light on it, doesn’t it?

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The danger — and illusion — of “hide behind” clothing

Went for a run today, which is always good for clearing the head but also giving me “ah-hah!” moments.  One I already alluded to in another post:  “hide me” clothes.  What seems soooooo wonderful and comfy and safe at times….actually turns out to be harmful for my long-term well-being.

I go through phases in which my body weight has stabilized on its low end (I fluctuate by 3-4 pounds generally, but have a small frame so even this kind of swing looks very different), where I can comfortably wear those clothing items I love the most and feel 100% comfortable wearing them.  I feel happy, but I have to be careful that I don’t get complacent.  It can be easy to talk yourself into something you know you shouldn’t have, simply because you “have some wiggle room” — be it in your jeans or on the scale.  Mind you, why would I *want* to give up that wiggle room — obviously, I don’t.  Right or wrong, I love when I’m at a level of leanness in which I can see my abs and my legs are very sculpted.  To overeat at that point would be idiotic, and yet I do, at least sometimes.

But then there are times when I am in a bad spell.  Maybe I’ve put on 2-3 pounds or even 5 pounds from the low end of my range, where I’m really starting to feel lousy both about my weight and my eating habits.  At times like that I find myself feeling more stressed at having to wear revealing clothing; all I want to do is hide under my sweaters, sweatshirts, etc.  I can always tell when I’ve reached this point, as I typically shift from wearing my normal tank tops and running singlets with shorts to the gym…..to instead wearing sweatshirts and leggings.  And indeed, momentarily there’s a feeling of relief, what feels like a happy medium struck, where I’m able to go and get my workout in, yet not have to feel like I’m “out there” and on display.

But what I’m noticing is that caving in to this desire to “hide” always ends up backfiring.  Sure, momentarily I feel better, but what this does is pull me out of the reality of the moment.  Rather than confront the uncomfortable truth — I’ve gained weight through bad eating choices of recent, I’m able to avoid fully cognizing this reality, partly because I’m sidestepping the emotional consequences of my actions.  So what happens?  Rather than make the changes needed to swing myself back on track, I’m more inclined to keep the status quo with my eating (even after I’ve arrived at the intention, i.e. during my workout, to do otherwise), or worse, I somehow convince myself that I “got away with” my little indiscretions of recent, suggesting I can repeat those offenses without further harm!  Talk about dangerous thinking!

So like it or not, it’s important I not succumb to the temptation to retreat into my “hide me” clothes.  I may not always relish wearing my tanks and shorts, but just as I must regularly weigh myself to ensure I don’t allow weight creep to happen, so too do I need to keep my wardrobe such that I can’t “get away with” eating habits that are incompatible with my long-term goals.

Darn! 😛

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The trouble with baking

Can anyone relate to this?  I have a love-hate relationship with baking.  Part of me wants sooooo badly to be “normal” when it comes time to baking.  Meaning, I can bake cake or cookies or whatever I’m good at, have it in the house and not freak out over it.  But I work out of my house much of the time, and while most days I have no issue whatsoever with having the stuff in the house, it’s that day, that moment, that I feel a trigger, or am vulnerable for whatever reason, that suddenly all common sense goes out the door.  Now, normally if I’m feeling a trigger and all I have in the house is yogurt, Boca Burgers, and steam-in-bag frozen vegetables…..who cares.  But if I’m feeling triggered and I’m all alone and I have 16 containers just brimming with homemade cookies (you know what I mean, where they’re so brimming you don’t even notice if, say, 10 are missing), to quote a Christmas song, “You’d better watch out!”  Only it ain’t because Santa Claus is coming to town!

But except for the above explosive scenario, otherwise I have managed to keep the dragon in the cave.  When I bake, the rule is that I cannot so much as touch a crumb or bite.  Because I know that once I start, I’ll nibble unconstructively, which bogs down the whole process.  Worse, I’ll go from enjoying the whole experience — the wonderful smell of the warm cookies, the magic in watching butter, flour, sugar, and a miscellany of ingredients get transformed into these amazing treats, the happy music I’m playing and the spontaneous “bopping” I’ll do while mixing up the ingredients, the cozy glow of the kitchen in contrast to the wintry scene outside, the gratifying sips of eggnog-flavored coffee or diet Dr. Pepper I’m enjoying as I drop, smooth, and shape my cookie dough into submission, even the joy of prancing around the kitchen in my favorite apron, the one given to me as a gift from my favorite aunt — to suddenly dwelling on the extra calories, the churning of my stomach, or worse, the bloat I’m starting to feel if by chance I’ve gone overboard in my noshing.  Is it right?  Probably not.  But I’m tired trying to change that mindset.  Much better to simply avoid trouble in the first place and avoid taking that first bite.  I don’t find this tough at all.  It doesn’t take away from my enjoyment as my main reason for baking is more for the gratification of my loved ones than myself, at least at that moment.

But this year I didn’t bake.  Well, at least I didn’t bake much.  I started to bake, made a batch of one of my classics.  But I tripped, stumbled and fell….hard….two days later, when I succumbed to temptation and nearly finished off a whole Tupperware container of them.  To me, this was an early warning sign that I’m not on solid footing this holiday season, and given that my husband is himself watching his eating and trying to lose additional weight at the moment, I feel it’s just as well to skip it this year.  Oh well.  Life goes on.  If anything, it’s been kind of nice; I’ve concentrated more on preparing lighter desserts — pumpkin mousse is a favorite at the moment — and lots of soup and apples as my daily staples.  It’s a huge relief, actually.  And interestingly, contrary to what I thought, I’m not missing those holiday cookies.  Is it possible we follow through with these traditions just because we fear that we’ll feel like we’re missing out if we don’t?  I’m beginning to think the actual is nowhere near what we feared it would be. 

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Challenging common thoughts surrounding eating disorders and eating disorder treatment

There are many aspects of traditional eating disorder “recovery” that I do not agree with.  Just the same, there are those philosophies and approaches that I feel are quite valid.  Nothing is black and white.

For starters, be it right or wrong, good or bad, I find my weight is best managed by avoiding certain foods on a daily basis.  On a normal diet day, certain foods are off limits for me.  Unable (more like unwilling) to eliminate certain “treat” foods from my life completely, I instead give in to periodic splurges that almost always go well beyond the point I would have preferred to stop eating.  Most of you reading this will probably immediately think, “That’s wrong.  If you just stop dieting, you’ll stop such extremes in eating,” or, “See, this is why dieting is bad.”  But I respectfully disagree.  I have found that the alternative — to stop restricting and instead allow smaller amounts of all kinds of foods on any given day (in other words, the typical “wisdom” in most weight management and/or eating disorder programs) — to be the perfect way to gain weight, with any attempt at “bodily acceptence” to be just an exercise in epic denial (and woe be to you when that “I’m still happy with this body” bubble bursts).  Call me superficial, but I just can’t reconcile the larger body for myself.  It may look and work okay for others, but not for me.  Honestly, I would rather accept that I will probably always have a skewed relationship with food, if it means I can maintain what I believe to be my ideal physique.  I know that’s not PC but it’s the reality of my mindset.

Mind you, life is too short to not enjoy delicious, decadent food.  But decadent food has no place in my daily eating.  If anything, I personally enjoy it MORE when I DON’T allow it in my regular diet.  And oddly enough, the more I impose certain restrictions on my daily eating, the more creative I get with my cooking.  I love exploring the use of fresh herbs, unusual fruits and vegetables, of making minimal use of fattening ingredients and searching out lower-calorie substitutes.  It forces me to appreciate the more subtle tastes and textures of natural, minimally processed food, in ways I miss out on if I allow certain foods to be options in my daily diet.  My eating habits are NOT about deprivation or virtuousness.  On the contrary!  But I have very specific preferences with regard to my figure, so I’m constantly trying to find ways to strike a balance between those two aspects of myself.

Now I don’t for one moment profess perfection, or to suggest that this method of eating is the best arrangement.  I still get mighty cravings for extremely fattening, sugary foods, and when those cravings hit, as long as I have calculated that I can “afford” the pound or so weight gain that will ensue from the splurge, I allow myself to eat unsensored for a whole evening, and the end results are not pretty.  In fact they’re pretty awful.  I never emerge without huge regrets, and a renewed resolve to “stop this insanity” once and for all.  There’s no doubt in my mind, I still have far to go in striking the right balance for myself.

But I still remain unconvinced that my own personal path to “sanity” is through intuitive eating or related approaches, in which no food is off limits on any given day, with the notion that sooner or later these foods will lose their allure and you’ll find yourself eating very “naturally,” gravitating towards healthier choices as a matter of instinct.  Sorry, not in my case.  I tried that on repeat occasions (and for sufficient periods of time, in one instance over a year), and whatever emotional freedom or “relief” I felt in stopping the cycle…was eclipsed by my misery in having a body that I no longer recognized — that wasn’t “me” anymore.  If I’m going to continue to chip away at my undesired behaviors, it’s going to have to be through another means.  It may take longer, it may mean I never fully extinguish the cycle of extremes (I can live with it if the frequency and intensity continues to go down!), but I’m just not willing to compromise my body, my fitness, at this time.

I make no apologies for having these preferences, but up until now, I have never let on that I even have them, out of fear of coming across as either insensitive to others or somehow in denial.  People love to do that; if you so much as allude to any version of the above, they dismissively say, “Oh that’s the eating disorder talking.”  Is it?  Well then fine, I may just always have some aspect of that in play.  I no longer care how others characterize it.  But definitely this is NOT a judgment against others and their approach or philosophy; if most people feel a better peace of mind by ridding themselves of the behavior while accepting the adjustments their body makes, more power to them.  This simply doesn’t appeal to me, having tried both sides of the fence.  And mind you, I don’t kid myself that this isn’t dangerous or destructive behavior.  Hence, this blog.  I have made great strides in managing the behavior in myself over the last several years, and I plan to continue to do so.  But extinguish it altogether?  At this point I don’t necessarily think it’s possible.  So “minimizing” is the modus operandi here.

What surprises me, considering how many people there are in this world, is how hard it is to find someone else in my specific situation.  When I search out forums and blogs on the subject of eating disorders, I tend to find two groups:  either the set of younger, mostly high school and college-aged girls who are struggling with anorexia and/or bulimia….or I find (mostly) women who are struggling with binge-eating disorder (or compulsive overeating, whatever you want to call it), whose recovery is centered largely on healing their emotions and attitudes — both relating to food and outside of it — while working on steadfastily eliminating any thoughts of desiring a thin/fit body.  Well, that’s fine, but what about those of us who are either far further along in our “recovery,” or who never had that bad an eating disorder in the first place, or how about this:  who work in an industry in which, like it or not, our bodies are part of our career success?  Beyond our personal preferences, some of us can’t afford to have a certain body shape and still retain our job success, and therefore have to figure out a way to make as much amends with our eating and underlying issues, while maintaining a certain physique.  Surely I can’t be the only one in this category, and yet to search the net you would think so.

But even outside of career considerations, it just plain annoys me, the kneejerk reactions to anything that resembles an eating disorder.  If you have bulimia, you’re automatically supposed to want to be rid of it.  This annoys me at times.  Let me see.  I eat extremely healthfully (typically) 90 percent of the time.  My daily diet includes apples, yogurt, cottage cheese, salmon, tons of veggies, rice, peanut butter, and oatmeal.  About once a week, I break out of that mold and open the gates to eat whatever I want (usually sweets — I love bread and dessert!), and almost always go way past the point of fullness when I do this.  I then snap right back to my normal diet, spending the next couple of days drinking tea and watching my sodium intake to help my body deal with the spike of calories and junk food.  Is it right?  No, but tell me, please, how this is so much worse than the typical American daily menu, in which food from all walks of life are consumed without so much as a second thought.  Tell me how this is somehow not equally something that needs to be “recovered” from, especially when you see the overweight, out-of-shape bodies rendered by this way of eating?

I said it before but I’ll say it again (hey, it’s my blog), I’m just not convinced that I can maintain the fit, lean body I enjoy having if I were to adopt the “no food is off limits” mentality common in most recovery approaches.  And I’m tired of feeling like a felon for even thinking such thoughts.  God forbid I should actually admit to wanting to keep a fit body more than I want to be rid of the disordered eating that comes with restrictive dieting!  No, somehow we’re all supposed to sing the chorus of “diet bad, moderate eating good.”  Well to hell with that!  I’ve done the “moderate eating,” and you know what?  I’m happier and healthier when I diet deliberately!  When my choices are limited, I feel free.  I can free up my mind to focus on the rest of my life, my work, my passions.  Without rules, every meal brings an overwhelming decision process; too many choices!  And right or wrong, I like to keep track of my calories.  Having done this for so many years, I know exactly what amount I need to eat in order to keep my body where I like it.  And knowing this, I like to end my day with full knowledge of whether I ate within my body’s caloric needs.  Why is this wrong?  Is it obsessive?  Maybe.  But that’s my row to tow.  The way I see it, if doing so allows me to enjoy that glass of fine wine, to savor that piece of dark chocolate, to get out and take that spontaneous winter snowshoe hike, to feel the confidence of being able to be put in any situation and handle myself with joy and ease….where’s the wrong here?

One thing to keep in mind:  I have never had a particularly severe case of bulimia.  Obviously, none of this musing would apply if I were engaged in truly dangerous and undeniably destructive/disruptive behaviors.  There’s a difference between the once-a-week after-dinner binge, in which there is no purging, only strict dieting and exercise in the days that follow, versus daily binges that are followed by vomiting or the use of laxatives.  To anyone who is doing this, I urge you to seek medical treatment immediately, as I would do the same!  Again, I go back to the point I made that I’m not even sure if my behavior fully qualifies as an eating disorder, anyway.  Where does the disorder end and “stuff that is simply human fallability” begin?  If it’s otherwise not interfering with your life, is it really something that needs to be changed at this time?  I have the luxury of asking these questions expressly because I have never purged and I otherwise lead a happy and full life despite the remnant behaviors I still struggle with.  Just want to be clear on that.

So in short, what I have learned is that right now, even as I renew my commitment to keep up the fight to minimize my disordered eating behaviors, I would still rather deal with the down side of dieting/bingeing cycles in exchange for having the body I want — and yes, the emotional outlet that, right or wrong, is part of the behavior.  It seems counter-intuitive I know, but I actually have an easier time keeping my weight in check when I allow periodic binges, because the rest of the time I can be at peace with eating tasty, healthy, clean foods.  I’m actually curious to see if having a blog as an outlet will provide an emotional release valve that will help me reduce the triggers and better manage my stress.  Wouldn’t it be great if I find this to be the final blow to these behaviors!

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