From novelty to “the rest of my life”: Keeping the momentum moving forward

Not a long post today, only that I’m continuing with my abstinence and ecstatic about this, and am finding a new phase is opening up as I continue.  Sure, there was the glee of actually making it through the holidays abstinently, but now it’s “back to business.”  Or rather, it’s “to business,” since I never hit this degree of recovery, for it to be called “business.”  I’m appreciating that the longer I stay abstinent, while at the same time working a vigorous program, the more I’m seeing the life I was preventing unfold.  It’s exciting and scary at the same time (if I had a dime for every time I’ve said that sentence…).  What I’m noticing is, first, some of the “gems” of recovery, ones that I heard about but didn’t fully understand initially, are presenting themselves as experiential realities.  What a miracle.

But what I’m especially noticing is how there seems to be a point in which the thrill and challenge and emotional transition that those initial 6+ months entailed….are fading and giving way to a new phase.  I can see how this can be a point in which people lose their focus, because it’s no longer new, and many of those initial decisions and processes of creating a routine….well those have been made, and the routine(s) are under way.  Sure, there’s an ongoing evolution, but it’s unfolding much more gradually.  The addict in me faces the temptation of wanting to “tweak,” and I’m having to learn the art of letting go, and living by the words, “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”  So now the challenge comes in, being in acceptance that I no longer get to spin my wheels around the minutiae of my food plan, what program lies out there that could help me, or why I do what I do.  Which means now my attention must be turned to the person my HP intends for me to be!  It feels gratifying, but there’s still some sense of “loss” involved.

At the same time, I’m appreciating that I’m feeling the flow of GOOD habits becoming a part of my life, which means there’s an ease in going about my day, and knowing what to do next, if only I surrender to it and not take back my will and start second-guessing it all.

You know, you tend to hear one of two stories:  You hear stories of people still caught up in the depths of their eating disorder, or you hear about those who have recovered with some time under their belt.  I feel like I’m in that in-between zone, and it’s interesting to watch this portion of the story unfold.  It’s not as clear-cut, it’s sometimes somewhat mundane at first glance (i.e. no news = good news), and yet it’s really the meat of recovery.  I can stand up and give all sorts of testimonials as to how great life is, and it is, but the real story lies in the day-to-day work, which I sometimes think gets lost in the general telling of what life is like, or how a person got to where they’re currently at.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at now.  I hope this entry can be of help to someone.

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Abstinence during the holidays: The best gift of all

I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas!  What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in.  Knock on wood, life has been good.

This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year:  Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year.  It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?”  I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries.  Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought?  We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them.  Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.”  What a miracle this is!

What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all!  I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly.  I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.

Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process.  I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life.  Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater!  But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways.  Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling.  Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.”  Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else.  If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought.  I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare.  My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it. 

Even so, I know better than to let my guard down.  If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program.  I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind:  “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”

I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time.  I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return.  I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful.  I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc.  The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits.  I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry.  I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body.  My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that. 

So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back.  When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point.  But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently.  There’s hope, hang in there!

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The annoyance of “by the skin of my teeth” and “close shave” successes

It’s been almost two months since my last post.  I’m guessing that lack of posting generally signifies one of two things:  either 1) great success at the moment (no impetus to post) or 2) lots of struggles at the moment (no desire to post).  I suppose there’s also an Option 3) extraordinarily busy (not enough interest to post to overcome time impediments).  Happily, I’m falling into the first category.  It’s almost scary to write this, as I know the dangers that befall a person when success is high — so too is the risk of complacency or freaking out into self-sabotage.  But indeed, I am experiencing a degree of recovery as never before, and God willing, I have every intention to keep that going.  Definitely not without challenges.  It amazes me, how long it can be since I ate certain foods, and I can still have thoughts about them.  But I deal with those thoughts with a perpetual, “Not for now.  But I can revisit my food list later, and maybe add them back then.”  How funny, the mind games we must play!

Of course, recovery encompasses — and is happening because of — so much more than just the food management, per se.  If anything, I can see how so many will say, the food management is almost more the byproduct of other actions and measures, rather than one of the tasks in itself.  I’m not sure that’s entirely true, but I will definitely concur that it’s because of all those “other things” that  I have made the strides that I have, and not because, say, I found the “perfect” food plan or am taking a particular “magic” supplement.

To say I’m grateful doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of my happiness with my recovery.  But there’s a nitpicky annoyance that has been with me all along, at least ever since I first began to pursue recovery from my eating disorder, lo so many years ago.  And that’s my perfectionist mind’s kneejerk rejection of those days in which success/abstinence is kept “by the skin of my teeth.”  Probably anyone who has worked on recovery from either compulsive overeating or some other eating issues knows what I’m talking about.  There are those days, thankfully, in which I am graced with an abstinence and fluidity of conduct that feels very solid, very natural, like a well-oiled machine.  I work my program, do what I need to do, and prepare and enjoy my meals with great ease and satisfaction.  Days like that feel like, “Yes, boy, have I made progress!”  Then there are days like yesterday, and into today.  Drove husband to the airport over the weekend for a business trip.  Woke up yesterday morning to a flat tire.  Stress-stress-stress.  I’ve never had to take my car in for repair; normally my husband gets the honors.  On top of that, it was an exceptionally busy work day.  I also had some very positive, exciting things happen to me, concerning my work and accolades from it.  In other words, a very, very intense and hectic day.  I knew such a day is just ripe for feeling triggered, and in the past it almost certainly would have culminated in a huge binge, to take the edge off my adrenaline.  But I worked the tools of my program more intensively than ever, and managed to emerge from the day unscathed — meals went as planned, my recovery and abstinence intact.  What a wonderful feeling of accomplishment that was.

But I also knew that today would be tough.  I had a much lighter schedule, would be working out of the house much of the day.  Dangerous, because this represents the “day after” a hyper-frenetic day like yesterday.  And living up to its promise, it was a tough day to stay on task.  I believe that the day will finish on a positive note — another abstinent day, and if it does, I expect tomorrow to be much easier, as I will not only be busy (as in, out of the house, away from isolating busy), but by then it will be two days removed from Monday’s unexpected twists and turns, which means probably things will calm down to their normal levels for me — “things” being my emotions, my body’s physiology, my focus, etc.  So I just need to get through dinner without picking up extra food.

So good news, assuming this all goes as planned.

But it annoys me.  It annoys me that today was as hard as it was to get through.  If I had a dime for every time I had a thought that involved the desire to eat “out of today’s box,” I’d be able to retire right now.  God willing if I make it to bed abstinent, it will not be a gracefully abstinent day; I will be abstinent “by the skin of my teeth.”  I don’t like this, even as I realize that this is simply the way life works.  Some days are effortless, some are effortful, some in between.  That’s progress, I suppose.  At one time, I would have had a meltdown for sure, dismissing a day like this as “inauthentic,” as if the fact that it involved shades of white-knuckling, means that it doesn’t “count,” that it’s not “real” recovery but just me proving that I can hold on for dear life under duress.

But I realize, even as I type this, that all that matters is that I remain abstinent.  For today, it doesn’t matter how “close” I came to eating out of order, it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a smooth sail.  All that matters is that I remain abstinent.  Sure, I can continue to work my program, work the steps, pray to my HP, work the tools, and hope that in so doing, I strengthen my recovery so that days like this aren’t as intensely challenging, or at least that the frequency is reduced, but I have to accept that there may continue to be days that surface such as this, which means in order to stay recovered, I just need the willingness to deal with the discomfort and accept that my abstinence “pearls” will not always be silky smooth or rock-solid, that they will sometimes look quite “messy” or feel rather choppy.  But I have to assume that it’s in dealing with these very days that I will make the greatest growth.  So I must embrace them the way I embrace those lovely, practically-on-autopilot abstinent days.

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Self knowledge avails me…something, actually

One of the lessons I’m learning in my recovery is to understand my brain’s wiring.  This is actually a point on which I disagree with that recovery adage, “Self knowledge avails us nothing.”  I understand what “they” mean — I can certainly point to many failed attempts at my own recovery, in which I did way too much self-analysis yet took curiously little action to put that information to use.  I assume the adage is a warning against thinking that just because you know yourself, just because you’ve gained some insight as to “why” you do things a certain way or that you’re, say, an inherently anxious person….that suddenly you’ll magically stop engaging in your destructive behaviors, based on this knowledgge alone.  That, I get.  But I would amend the adage to say, “Self knowledge ALONE avails us nothing.”  Because isn’t Step 1 the quintessential demonstration of self knowledge?  “We admitted we were <fill in the blank>, that our lives had become unmanageable.”  This identifies the problem, does it not?  So even with the most basic of applications of the 12-step model, you have (in my opinion) self knowledge kicking the whole thing off.

Anyway, my point is actually not to argue that philosophic departure of mine, but rather, to offer up a nugget of self knowledge I’ve acquired, and in fact to comment on the peace of mind it’s bringing to realize this, and to accept it.  And….maybe to raise the question, is this a common trait among addicts?  Or at the very least, a common trait among those with eating disorders?

I’m realizing more and more just how easily my mind gets overwhelmed.  Heck, just going to Word Press’s home page can be overwhelming.  The vast number of blogs out there, for some reason, makes my brain go “tilt”!  In my work, I’m often having to attend to multiple projects at once, ones that evolve and change constantly.  Being one who likes a clear, step-by-step action plan, having to just perform the next indicated action — geeze, sometimes even just CHOOSING the next indicated action — in a work situation for which there often aren’t such clearly delineated blueprints — can paralyze me.  At the same time, it energizes me, it’s part of what I enjoy about my chosen path.  Weird?

It’s one more insight as to why I used to abuse food so.  Because my brain is NOT a comfortable place to be when I’m experiencing those feelings.  I’m learning to just accept that this is the way I am, and to either ignore the minor panic and keep on keeping on (a strategy I have found very helpful), or turn to actions that help me to break up and dispense the panic, give my mind something else to latch onto.  But without my program, without this new outlook and these tools to counter those feelings, I can see why I found it necessary to use food as a means of escaping and “zoning out” when the brain cramped.  But I also wonder, is this a common hallmark of addicts?  Are we more sensitive to sensory input, or information bombardment, or trying to think through all possibilities (and of course, think through a solution to each), and therefore create this madness from which we’re almost compelled to seek some quick-fix respite?  I wonder.

Anyway, that’s the musings of today.

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So exactly when is “pulling a geographic” NOT “pulling a geographic”?

As much as I love my 12-step program, and the 12-step program from which it’s sprung, I must express a rant about what I see as an excessive use of the term, “pulling a geographic.”  It’s something you hear a great deal when people talk about their struggles with addiction.  For those who may not be familiar with the phrase, it refers to when a person makes a move to a new location, often an entirely different region of the country, in an effort to escape their addiction or unwanted behavior.  Obviously, the idea is to make a “fresh start” in a new place, quite possibly a better place (i.e. in terms of climate, visual appeal, etc.), where maybe no one there knows the person and everything is different.  Often, the thinking is that “things” or the previous residence, the people in that person’s life, etc. are the cause of the unwanted behavior, so by shedding those burdens, everything will fall into place, and the person can put that part of his or her life behind him or her.  And of course, as the story goes, inevitably it doesn’t take long for the very problem the person is trying to escape to come back, often even worse than before.  For those lucky enough to finally get real recovery, this outcome at least becomes a worthwhile lesson, to help the person realize that the problem is not going to be solved through external means.

Now without question, there are instances — many of them — in which the impetus to move was indeed impulsive, or at least came from flawed, naive, wishful (you name it) thinking.  But surely there are also numerous examples in which the move actually proved helpful?  Sure, there may have been the slap-in-the-face realization that recovery would not be such a quick or easy fix, but isn’t it possible that the new environs, if it was more appealing than where they lived before, still set a better stage for recovery?  If I’m a nature and outdoors lover, and I’m living in a location in which there aren’t many lovely places (or interest by most who live there) to experience outdoor recreation, and I move to a place that is bustling with stunning scenery and a culture that embraces the active outdoor lifestyle, aren’t I more likely to recover even as I realize the move alone won’t “fix” me?

I bring this up because the rampant use of the term has created its own insanity in my head.  I have lived in the same area all my life, and I must tell you, that while it has many things going for it, outdoor recreation and good climate are definitely not among them.  Being that my husband and I love the outdoors, love to ski, hike, love the ocean (and water in general), love the mountains, love eating healthfully, love the fit lifestyle…..it’s a stress, living in this area, when there have been so many others we have visited that resonate tremendously with us.  And while economically it’s not practical for us to move right now, the discussion of moving to new surroundings is one that comes up often, even as we accept that it may or not be able to happen.

The problem is, DARN IT, these days I find myself constantly hearing this inner, cynical voice say, “Wouldn’t you just be pulling a geographic?”  It plants a seed of doubt that we would get from the move what we’re seeking, so (again that inner cynic says) “Why not just stay here and content yourself with it?  You have a comfortable life, your house payments not so bad, etc.  Why put yourself into the distress of moving when so many are suffering the consequences of that very decision even as we speak?”

Understand, I have never been so recovered.  Although I believe this will be an ongoing journey that lasts my whole life (and I’m excited about that, like a never-ending adventure), I honestly believe I have never before been in such a solid state of mind, a state of balance, whatever that means.  If ever there was a time that a rational decision to move (or not) could be made, it’s now.  I mean, to put it another way, when is it NOT “pulling a geographic”?  When, in your recovery, do you hit that point in which you’re simply choosing to move, and yes, because you believe your life will be better as a result?  Technically, isn’t that the basic definition of pulling a geographic?  In that sense, outside of those who get a job transfer or are in the military, aren’t we all, in a sense, “pulling a geographic” when we move?

Food for thought.  While I don’t want to think naively about what a move will or will not do for us, I also don’t want the concern of moving “for the wrong reason” to perpetually keep me in this state of “waiting.”  I fear I’ll blink and my life will be at its end and I will regret not changing my horizon at least once, if only out of curiosity for what it would be like.  I realize the opportunity to move may not even appear, and if so, this concern is moot.  And I realize that I may come to a different sentiment; somehow change and appreciate our area more than what I think we would “get” for making a move.  I just want to make sure I’m not shutting out possibilities of change and growth, simply out of this phantom concern for “pulling a geographic”!

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The use (or not) of the term “abstinence”

So I’m continuing an experiment, one that I’d begun a number of weeks back.  Made some changes in my lifestyle, my eating, etc.  It’s been a great journey so far, one that I will continue to recommit to, one that has brought forth some incredible results even as there have also been some challenges and bumps along the way.  Lots of emotions coming up, and the sobering realization that while certain changes do become easier over time, certain vulnerabilites will probably always be part of my makeup.  I actually feel a certain comfort in acknowledging that — it allows me to let go of this fantasy of effortless balance, and to know that a huge part of my long-term success lies in learning how to deal with those times of struggle, rather than think the goal is to eliminate those feelings.

In any event, the success of the last month or so has only further illuminated a stance I have been increasingly veering toward.  That stance is on the subject of abstinence, or at least, the word “abstinence,” with regard to overcoming compulsive overeating.  My involvement with a 12-step program of the past year, while amazing, transformative, life-changing in so many ways….has also challenged me, prompted much inner conflict in deciphering how I define and measure recovery for myself.  Not suprisingly — I say this because it seems this is a hot-button subject for many people, much of this inner conflict has to do with the use of the term “abstinence.”  So often I hear speakers talking about it, often expounding at least enough so as to share how they define their own abstinence.  Even knowing this is a program that is as individual as a snowflake, it’s tough to not hear some of this criteria, be it “I don’t eat sugar” or “I eat three meals a day, nothing in between, no exceptions” or even “I don’t binge…ever” and somehow ponder such a statement against my own eating plan.  Inevitably, questions arise.  Should I be adopting this for myself?  Is it truly possible this person can possibly have eaten exactly this way 100% of the time for the last 18 years?  If I saw what this person looks like (I often listen to speakers via podcast) or if I could follow this person in his or her day-to-day life, would I truly want the kind of abstinence they profess to have?  Am I hearing their words but interpreting them to a paradigm of living that is neither necessary nor achieveable for myself and my goals, and maybe not even accurate to their story, either?

I understand the potential need for such a term.  I do. Especially given that 12-step programs, for the most part, spring forth from the original wellspring of Alcoholics Anonymous.  With AA being modeled on the concept of total abstinence from alcohol, and that there is no “moderate drinking” in AA, it’s understandable that other 12-step programs would seek a way to determine the parallel of that model for themselves.  And I realize that in order to recover from destructive behavior, one way or another, a person needs some kind of definable boundaries to know whether or not he or she is meeting that objective.

The problem I have had all along….and I’m sad to say, still haven’t been able to reconcile….is that I just don’t see how I can possibly boil it down to such simple, cut-and-dried terms on the subject of food and eating.  For starters, life is not so simple.  If I say I won’t eat sugar, all that does is shift my mind to obsessing about what that means.  Does that mean absolutely nothing with sugar in it?  Does that mean nothing with high-fructose corn syrup?  Or is it only certain “sugar items” such as cake?  Or what about the “No bingeing” as my abstinence?  I find that problematic, because to me, any excessively large meal is technically (in my eyes) a binge.  I define a binge as anytime I eat extra food, or amounts that I could not sustain and still maintain my weight.  So to say I won’t binge basically (again, for me) means I will never overeat, and I just don’t think that’s realistic.

But perhaps most important of all is that I think the notion of abstinence takes my mind away from the real goal, the true end result, and that’s a balanced life, a reasonably balanced mind, and a body that’s within my optimal weight range.  I could follow a self-imposed abstinence to the letter and still completely come up short in any or all three of those items.  More over, while I am more than ready, willing and able to go through extra lengths to ensure I’m able to adhere to my food plan and exercise schedule, including those times we’re traveling or socializing, in recent years it’s become apparent that even if 99% of the time I am able to stick to the plan, there are those 1% instances in which it’s just not possible to put my foot down in accordance with this self-imposed boundary.  For example, we were recently invited at the last second to a dear friend’s house for dinner, and said friend is an empassioned cook.  Yes, yes, I’m a veteran of, “Oh, can I bring a salad for all to enjoy?”  But you know what, sometimes no matter how much you try to be gracious, to make such a suggestion would be rude.  It would.  Or maybe it wouldn’t be rude, but my insistence on eating my vinegared lettuce while everyone else is dining on a meal the host painstakingly prepared over two days’ time…..does change the dynamic.  People won’t relate as much to me, fair or not.  To say nothing for the fact that, frankly, I don’t want to call attention to myself and my eating in that way.  Because inevitably, people look at the person shunning the decadent stuff and immediately glance at the person’s weight, as if to assess the efficacy of such a rigid eating structure.  I don’t need that kind of pressure or scrutiny!  But the bottom line is, at least for certain very close-knit friends, I’m just not interested in alienating myself just so that I can pat myself on the back for finding an “abstinent” solution.

Understand, I am NOT challenging anyone else’s use of abstinence as a tool.  If using the term and defining it very specifically for yourself works, please do so.  I’m simply coming to accept that this is one aspect of my program in which I personally will have to depart in philosophy and approach, at least for now.

For me, I don’t want a “perfect report card.”  To me, the “perfect report card” is nothing but a booby prize if my weight didn’t stay where I’m comfortable with it and all I did was take the part of my brain that could have been used for something far more constructive to humanity, and obsess over orienting my eating to keep that absolute perfection going.  And I can’t reconcile the notion of committing to “abstinence,” if at some future point, that definition can be revisited and changed.  What’s the point?  I’d personally feel disingenuous to say I’ve had X years of abstinence, if to break it down you then discover that there’s been no constant in that abstinence.  To me, it renders the term meaningless.

Instead, I’m finding better success in staying connected to my big picture goal, and letting that be my guiding beacon as to how my eating is duly oriented.  I’m preferring to develop the maturity that allows the possibility of having to make an exception every once in a while, without it derailing me.  I find that it all comes down to remaining wholly honest with myself.  Is what I’m currently doing compatable with keeping my recovery moving forward?  Have I gained weight?  Am I becoming sloppy in my eating?  These are the hard questions I need to stay on top of.

Now, does this mean I don’t have a food plan, and a very clearly defined one at that?  Absolutely not!  I weigh, I measure, I count calories, I have a list of foods that are the building blocks of my menus, and that list gets updated more or less on a weekly basis.  Some weeks certain items get removed, others get put on it.  And there are foods I do avoid.  Lots, in fact.  I try to stick with the vast majority of my current foods being my “safe” foods.  I’m staying on top of my weight, my energy levels, my cravings, etc., and I’m finding this infinitely more constructive than obsessing over whether I could pinpoint an official abstinence criteria based on my following this format.

Is it possible that this is, indeed, a form of abstinence, and my steering clear of the actual word is just an exercise in symantics?  Could be.  Just last night, I had a few treats that are outside of my normal food plan (as in, they’re not normally part of my regular “clean eating” days, but they’re on the periphery of my current list).  When I shopped at the store for them, I was tempted to buy something else — a food that I had recently put on my “not eating this for now” list.  But part of the way I work my recovery is that I try not to make any impulsive decisions, and in order to allow a certain food to be eaten, I have to have predetermined whether or not it’s part of my current repertoire.  So….I stuck to my current criteria and held onto my current bottom line.  One could argue that this IS a form of abstinence.  The distinction I would make is that these micro-adjustments, for as deliberate and carefully pondered as they are, occur quite frequently, too frequently for me to feel comfortable umbrella-ing them all under one, unbroken “abstinence.”  It just makes more sense to aim for the best case scenario each day, but in the final analysis, keep the ultimate focus on having good weeks, good months, and staying gruelingly honest with myself at all times.  THAT, for me, is the definition of sustainable recovery for myself.

Just something I needed to write out and acknowledge.  It’s official, the “a” word is not likely to be a part of my recovery vocabulary, and so far that’s working out just fine.

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12-step Milestone and Other Updates

Wow, once again, I’m stunned at the amount of time that has lapsed since my last post.  For those of you who blog, have you ever looked back and read a previous post and almost don’t recognize your own words?  I’m feeling that way.  Pretty amazing when I think of all that has taken place since last September.  How do I even begin to update?

So I won’t try to cover it all, but I do want to review and look ahead.  First of all, I’m happy to acknowledge that I crossed my one-year milestone with my 12-step fellowship.  That happened about 2 months ago, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  The growth I have experienced this past year is head-spinning.  I’m much less selfish, yet I’m more diligent about self-care (my latest being long, refreshing showers, using lovely, fragrant, hand-milled soaps).  I get far less overwhelmed, instead have learned to simply perform the next indicated action.  I’m less fearful, largely because I now check it out, i.e. when I’m feeling a fear, ask myself, just what is it that I’m afraid of?  And then?  And what does that mean?  Those kind of extended questions.  And 9 times out of 10, I realize the fear is illusional.  And for those times I actually declare the fear to be justified, I allow myself to feel it, then do whatever it is I need to do anyway.  I feel my emotions more.  This has been both a freeing yet challenging development for me.  I’m now connecting with the emotions I used to eat to stifle, yet of course now this means I’m often navigating a roller coaster throughout the day.  I’m learning how to deal with this more constructively.  I enjoy better relations with my husband, friends and family.  I’m setting more boundaries — lovingly — for myself for those aspects of my family dynamic that are potentially hurtful to me, while at the same time more fully appreciating all the gifts my family has given and continues to give to me.  I’m far more effective in my work, have come a long way in devoting myself to being of service and to make others’ lives better as a result of my actions.  My self-esteem is soaring, I’m keeping a much tidier and orderly house, and I’m connecting far more to my spirituality, in a way that’s meaningful to me.  And it goes on and on.

The one element that remains is the original element, and that’s my Achilles heel, my eating.  It has, unquestionably, improved dramatically.  To compare how I ate six months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, etc…..I won’t say there’s no comparison, because it was already quite good in many respects.  But it has still improved.  Compulsive eating has gone down; whatever I eat, the majority of the time it’s been planned.  And the kinds of foods I eat have changed; whereas at one time I “needed” to include certain treat foods on a fairly regular basis — almost never eating them within an amount I would have preferred, the frequency keeps going down, and in recent times, has been so seldom that the few occasions I’ve chosen to eat these particular foods, I have found myself woefully disappointed.  They just don’t have the allure/thrill they used to possess for me.  Which actually has irritated me on some level.  I’m looking for a Big Bang with them, and when I’m not getting it, I end up eating more in an attempt to make it happen.  You know how successful THAT has been.  Not.

But the most startling development of all came very recently.  I mentioned that compulsive eating had gone down, but it — specifically bingeing — has not been abolished completely.  I have recently drawn the conclusion that no matter HOW much I heal, grow or resolve in these other areas of my life, I will be left with this urge, this vulnerability.  Maybe some people find they just naturally lose the inclination, but that hasn’t been my experience.  With as much positive change that has taken place in me over this last year, I can only assume that the only way for me to be free of the binge behavior is to make the deliberate decision to not do it.  I have to accept that there will be discomfort involved, and though I can hope that the discomfort and cravings will subside over time, it’s possible it won’t diminish as much as I’d like.  Basically, I’m accepting that the only “thing” that’s going to keep me eating sanely and my body at my optimal weight over the long haul…..is me.  Everything else has been taken care of, at least within reason (obviously there is always additional growth, personal evolution, healing….but whatever it is that might have been part  of the fuel behind my ED, I believe is more or less resolved).  All that’s left is the final step.

Mind you, it’s taken me a while to reach the willingness to acknowledge this possibility, let alone accept it.  As with all tough hurdles, merely knowing what you need to do isn’t enough; you have to really want the benefits of taking that action — which includes dealing with the pain/difficulty of making that change, more than the “benefits” of staying put.  I’ve been steadily trying out various ways to put this awareness into motion, but seemed a bit stalled out at a certain plateau.  Until recently.  What happened is something I can’t explain and is now helping me see how it’s possible that so many speakers (I listen to 12 step speakers via podcasts tell their stories of recovery) speak of this seemingly mysterious, almost overnight, leap into willingness.

What happened is, my switch appears broken.  If anyone here is either bulimic or a compusive overeater, you know the switch I’m talking about.  The switch that gets flipped when you’ve decided to open the flood gates and let yourself splurge away.  I think one of the reasons I had been able to (mostly) let go of certain foods in recent times, is because even with less “glamorous” choices (I know you’re probably wondering what, so okay, like, apples with peanut butter spread on them, or high-fiber breakfast cereals, or protein bars, or whole grain pancake mix, etc.), I could still escape into the occasional binge to let off steam — to flip the switch and zone out, then deal with (hopefully) a less severe aftermath than the days my binges were on “big ticket” items such as cake, cookies, etc.   To be honest, I’m not convinced there’s much difference between the two “species” of binges, at least in terms of after-effect.  It’s bad regardless of what kinds of foods I ate, though maybe it’s been too long since the days of day-long junk food sprees to truly remember how bad it can be.

Anyway, so I’d watched myself make all these distinct and exciting changes from within, and while these eating episodes remained the stubborn holdout, I did still see differences there, too, INCLUDING the willingness to make the above substitutions.  Not wanting to oversell it, I still deemed it progress.  Hey, we all want to be rid of the behavior right away, but I’m now appreciating how it often happens on a time frame quite different from the one I may have envisioned.  I can’t help but muse about the possibility that the willingness to start setting boundaries even within what I choose to binge on….was the start of my mind’s process of teasing the behavior from my grip (or vice versa?).  But still, I can’t deny I continued to struggle, and far too often.

Again, until recently, when I had quite the shot in the arm:  I couldn’t flip the switch!!!  We had gone out to dinner with some friends, and although it went well, I pretty much knew even beforehand that I’d likely be using the evening as an excuse to splurge — both during but especially after the visit, once my husband and I were back at home.  I knew I was rationalizing but I didn’t care.  And as expected, we went to the store on the way home, picked up some treats, and came home.  The weather was great, the music that was playing on the radio made for a nice ambience, the visit had gone well….the stage was set for the “perfect” kick-up-the-heels-and-relax-and-eat-eat-eat Saturday night.  How many of these have I experienced over the years.

Yet, much to my chagrin, for the first time that I can remember…..DAMN it, my mind wouldn’t make the switch!  It was awful; rather than zone out, ignoring the number of calories I must be taking in with every passing second, I remained fully cognizant, unable to lose myself in whatever TV show we’d tuned into and fully aware of what I’d be feeling just one hour later, never mind the uncomfortable sleep and awful aftermath I’d have to deal with the next day.  Nothing I tried help me to cross that invisible line.  Of course it didn’t; up until now, this crossover had happened automatically, no conscious effort, just part of the whole binge cycle.  WTF???

That was several weeks ago; I’ve had another eating episode or two since, and with the same experience — no ability to flip the switch.  And those subsequent eating episodes weren’t even with “exciting” foods, just large servings of the foods that are already part of my food plan.  Talk about a pointless endeavor!  So great.  I get to experience the physical distress, the frantic scrambling to snap back to clean eating and keep my weight down in spite of the calorie spike…but I miss out on the very “escape” I’m seeking by putting excess food in my body in the first place.  If that isn’t the very picture of “Done,” I don’t know what is.  It’s time to face the scary yet exciting reality:  Relief doesn’t live “here” anymore.

So….I’m on a slightly different path since this has all come about.  I won’t elaborate on the details — they’re very personal and everything is still too early/tentative to know what’s going to stick and I don’t want to jinx this undertaking by making too specific a declaration, anyway.  But suffice it to say, this is brand-new territory for me, yet another fork in the road that is coming on the heels of so many other (wonderful) forks before it.

So what’s my point in even logging this?  Well partly for my own record.  I want to be able to look back and remember this turning point, as no matter what it’s an interesting development regardless of what happens from here.  But secondly, it’s my hope that those of you who might be struggling, can see that indeed, over time, change can and does happen.  I’m here to tell you, it takes a lot of hard work and it’s sometimes so slow, its almost imperceptable, and it’s scary and frustrating at times because it doesn’t follow your mind’s blueprints and because you don’t know the outcome.  But I hope this little account and update helps illuminate that these little milestones of progress add up!

We shall see.  Or as the saying goes, more shall be revealed.

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My Higher Power: The recharger; inside me, the battery

I’ve been thinking (some more) about the concept of powerlessness.  Amazing how one word can prompt so much semantical analysis.  It is the word of choice in the first step of 12-step programs, i.e. “We admitted we were powerless over <fill in the blank>…”  I used to wonder if my constant musing about the word had to do with trying to find a way to sidestep that reality, like, “Well no, I’m not powerless per se, at least not in such a sweeping way, more like only in specific circumstances, or with certain foods at certain times…”  I worried that suggesting, no less embracing, the notion that I’m powerless would remove that sense of self-efficacy that I still believe is innate in all of us.  Sure, once something becomes a well-entrenched habit, the means of ceasing that behavior is (usually) no longer as simple as “Just Say No,” but to suggest that when people overcome addictions or bad habits it’s done 100% through a force outside of themselves…..I disagree with that.  Even if you subscribe to the idea that you’re tapping your Higher Power (or God, or whatever you call he/she/it) — which as of this writing I do, to me it’s not that you were entirely helpless and stepped aside and let HP take over the wheel; rather, it’s that you let your HP “in,” or you somehow found your own inner resource — your HP within, so to speak, which I believe to be part of the entirety of HP, and let it bubble up to accomplish things that just your ego/immature self could never to by themselves.

But I no longer believe all of this ongoing contemplation is out of desire to avoid admitting to powerlessness.  At least, if it was it’s not the case now.  More, it’s that I want to help myself understand powerlessness in how it specifically applies/manifests  itself for ME.  I feel the more I can wrap my head around what that specifically MEANS for me, the more I can understand and better make use of steps 2 and 3, which have to do with believing that my HP can help and being willing to receive that help.

So here’s my current thought on it:  To me it’s like a product that has a rechargeable battery inside.  A tape player, for example.  I don’t know if this is still the case, but every cassette player I ever had would indicate a need for new batteries by no longer putting out as much volume, or slowing down the music.  Eventually, of course, it would stop working altogether.

To me, that’s kind of how I see myself on the subject of food and my HP.  I believe that remaining in an immature mindset for the duration of my life would leave me ill-prepared to maintain a sustainable management of my eating, certainly not so that my life (and I) could continue to grow.  I believe that connecting with my HP is largely a means of reigniting that internal HP flame inside me, to help me have the wisdom of understanding the “big picture” of honest, accountable eating and not just “how many calories can I get away with eating and not gain weight today.”  The latter is very juvenile, the kind of overtly simplistic thinking and rebelliousness that may be excusable/useful when we’re in Jr. High and don’t know any better, but you just can’t build a responsible, rich, adult life if you remain rooted in that motivation.  I am increasingly understanding how much of my adult life has been spent with me stuck in that superficial diet mentality.  I do believe my first awakening from that occurred 6 years ago (I even know the date), when I had that Ah-HAH that no matter how “good” what I’m doing looks on paper, the body doesn’t care or lie.  It knows if what you ate exceeded your needs and it will respond accordingly.  I realized that to build a sustainable lifestyle and body that I’m comfortable living with, I would have to shift my thinking and adopt a more honest and personalized approach to my eating.  That’s when I lost whatever weight that needed to be taken off, and the journey began.

So indeed, I *AM* powerlessness over food…..when I have allowed my battery to go uncharged.  But using the tools, reconnecting and repeatedly connecting to my Higher Power, taking the actions needed to accommodate my unique frailties….all of that serves to charge my internal Higher Power battery, and with those things I am powerFUL.

I’d like to think I’ve finally put that analysis to rest in my head, but something tells me I’ll find yet another reason to ponder about it!

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