Abstinence during the holidays: The best gift of all

I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas!  What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in.  Knock on wood, life has been good.

This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year:  Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year.  It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?”  I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries.  Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought?  We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them.  Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.”  What a miracle this is!

What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all!  I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly.  I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.

Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process.  I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life.  Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater!  But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways.  Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling.  Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.”  Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else.  If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought.  I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare.  My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it. 

Even so, I know better than to let my guard down.  If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program.  I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind:  “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”

I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time.  I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return.  I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful.  I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc.  The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits.  I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry.  I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body.  My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that. 

So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back.  When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point.  But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently.  There’s hope, hang in there!

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Praying to a Higher Power — I’m feeling it!

My previous post proposed that there’s some je-ne-sais-quoi “magic” involved with taking action.  I wouldn’t have believed such a claim if I hadn’t experienced it first-hand, and now I’m gaining some similar insight to the fruitfulness of praying to my Higher Power.  It don’t know what it is, though I love musing about possible explanations (more on that in a minute), but there truly seems to be something powerful at work when I genuinely ask for help from my HP, whether it’s clarification for my HP’s will and my ability to carry it out or something less lofty, like please help me do a phenomenal job at work today, but I tell you, it does seem to make a difference.

I can feel the skepicism even as I type this — and some of that is from me, even!  So here’s one of my current explanations as to why the above is TRUE and what may be behind it.  My current understanding of a Higher Power is one that is both outside of me AND inside of me.  I believe that when I make choices and take actions that are loving — to myself and to others, that that’s the HP inside of me steering those actions.  I believe this is something we each have, and that it’s all part of the “bigger picture” HP.  So when we witness those acts of incredible kindness, the kind that restore our faith in humanity, to me that’s HP in action, including the HP that’s inside that person.

So here’s my current thought:  If I’m asking for something that’s “bigger than me” — such as, “Please help this situation to unfold in the way that’s best for all parties,” to me that’s an appeal to the “bigger picture” HP, the one that controls the flow of the river, and my goal is to then watch for signs of guidance, and the way I’m supposed to behave to help that process unfold.  So it does “work,” but the outcome may look very different from what my mind may have conjured up, and I still have to do my part in taking the next indicated actions — and be willing to let go of the results.  But if I’m asking for help in a way that involves my own behavior — “Help me to use my tools and follow my plan of eating today,” I believe that prayer is “heard” on some level by the HP inside of me, and that it’s so subconscious, that once I let go of the prayer, I don’t even realize all the subtle little changes that are going in internally to help ensure I do indeed follow through as planned.

Meaningless musings, no doubt, but whatever is going on, I’m satisfied that something is happening that is outside of the coincidental.  That’s good enough for me!

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There’s something magic in taking action

I’m getting to the point in my recovery in which I’m starting to see what speakers mean when they talk about that “I can’t put my finger on it” factor that causes certain things to “work” in recovery.  I can’t tell you how many times I had heard the various suggestions, whether they be to pray or to spend some time each morning reading some literature or remaining in regular contact with a sponsor or writing down what you plan to eat or….you get the idea….and wondered how could it help?  Or put it this way, how could it help in the way the person described, which is to say, to either stop a trigger in its path or help one to not want to eat compulsively in the first place?  Especially with my eating history:  I certainly have been a veteran of variations of those kinds of actions over the years, and although I will agree that vigilance in certain areas have undoubtedly helped me (if not for my food and exercise journals, daily calorie counting, weighing and measuring my food, I know I would have escalated to much higher, unchecked amounts of food in my regular eating and found myself in an even worse situation than I already was), I can’t say I had experienced the kind of “Eureka, it works!” effect that they were describing.

But being I was experiencing some small success in my program, and given the many different ideas offered up by speakers — including ones that didn’t seem so scary to me and in fact sounded appealing, something in me said hey, why not try it.  What’s the worst that can happen?  You discover no change.

Did I instantly feel a change?  Not really.  But it’s amazing how these things build on themselves.  One small change — for example, a commitment to make the bed every day — led to another, such as making sure I give myself the gift of a soothing shower at least once a day.  Time was set aside to read literature daily, and to allocate the time/option to write, when needed.  I made sure to stay in touch with my sponsor, and to stay in touch with myself, to stay honest about what I’m eating and what’s best left off the menu right now.  I began communicating with my Higher Power, which at first felt a bit esoteric, but eventually I found ways to find an authentic means of interacting with a Higher Power of my understanding.  Brick by brick.

And all I can say is, it does work.  I’m increasingly convinced that one way it works is because it’s not necessarily the action in itself (though sometimes I think it is), but the fact that I’m DOING it shows a willingness for me to change.  I’m taking an action toward behaving differently, rather than just endlessly “hoping” or “willing myself” into a desired behavior.  Could it also be a sense of self esteem?  That is, by taking these actions, I feel better about myself, and the desire to hurt my body with food it doesn’t need is diminished if not even repellent?  Maybe.

But that’s kind of my point:  I think the whole thing is counterintuitive.  You just can’t comprehend in advance how it is that this action, whatever it is, is somehow going to be of help.  Perhaps that’s part of the disease — the inability to appreciate what such actions can do for you.  I don’t know.  All I know is, if I go ahead and take the action anyway, regardless of whether I think it will help or how I think it will help, by golly, it helps!  And it usually appears to have helped for an entirely different reason than I would have assumed.

Here’s an example:  I’m on my way home from my work.  It’s quite late, and I still haven’t had dinner yet.  I love this job, but it stresses me.  By the time the day is done, even if I’ve had a great day, I’m keyed up.  In fact, if anything, the better the day went, the more hyper I am, which means the more I can be triggered into trying to alleviate that excess emotion with food.  I feel my throat tightening, and I’m feeling increasingly convinced that the meal I have planned for myself, that only hours ago was something I was genuinely excited about, is not going to be enough.  I arrive home feeling ravenous — partly genuinely so, as I’m long overdue for a meal (unfortunately, certain of my work days are just set up that day, I can’t change that).  On top of that, it’s not long before bedtime, so I’m also tired.  It’s as though my recovery immune system is weakened, which is like putting the welcome mat out for my eating disorder to strike.

Ah, but I now have a tool that’s served me well.  The shower.  I have already made plans to take a nice, long shower after work.  This will help calm me down, and it’s also a pleasure that soothes me in a way that’s very similar to what food used to do.  After my shower, I’m planning to lie down quietly for 2 minutes or so, eyes closed, to decompress one step further.  THEN I will calmly, slowly, prepare my meal.

In the old days, I guarantee you, those plans would have gone out the door.  I’d have made some excuse to myself as to why it’s not going to work anyway, and besides, it’s already late, I really need to eat, I deserve to eat, blah blah blah.  And gee, suprise surprise, the unpleasant but predictable outcome would have come about, like clockwork.  Another awful night.

But now, even if I have those voices (though they’re much quieter these days) trying to talk me out of those “pointless” strategies, I now know better than to listen.  I ignore the voices, and even as I honestly believe at that moment that it’s not going to “work,” I go through with the plans for my shower, anyway.  That’s my commitment, I tell myself.  My job is to take the action, let HP take over from there, and let go of the outcome.

And I tell you, something happens right about the middle of the shower.  Suddenly, those voices fade.  I don’t usually notice when it’s happening, only when suddenly I realize that several minutes have gone by and the urge is gone!  Suddenly I’m smelling the fragrance of my soap, I’m feeling the warm water cascading over my body, feeling comforted and enveloped in this safe cocoon.  Stepping out of the shower and into my fluffy robe, my mind is quiet, the way one feels when they’re humming to themselves while performing some task.  After lying on my back as scheduled, I take a deep breath and proceed to take my time in my dinner preparation.  This can sometimes be a hard transition, as by now I do have genuine hunger and it can leave me feeling impatient to eat.  But if I keep relaxed and take my time, do a meticulous job in pulling out my utensils and ingredients and turning on something nice as background sound, I soon find myself relaxing back into the “zone.”  99% of the time, the meal proceeds as planned, the rest of the night goes lovingly, and I’m nearly tearful with gratitude as I go to bed and feel my body lulling itself to sleep with a comfortable stomach.

I’m not hear to say that this measure is foolproof, or that this one measure alone is what thwarts the lurking problem.  On the contrary, I know I cannot become so complacent, and I do believe that it’s probably more an accumulation of many more actions than just this one that leads to the outcome I’ve described.  But what I am saying is, I could not have predicted that these kind of actions would help me with my disease, nor can I tell you exactly WHY they help.  Why does the shower seem to do the trick, and not the drive home while listening to a favorite radio show?  Why do I seem to get better recovery when I’m regularly praying to my HP?  Why is staying cognizant of the steps, and continuing to work them a factor in keeping me in my recovery?  It defies my mind’s ability to understand or explain.

So yes, I can only chalk it up to…..there’s some magic going on here.

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More on How It Happened (my recent journey into 12 steps)

Somewhat a continuation of yesterday’s (June 1) post.  So read that for reference if you haven’t already.

What a curious and unforseen journey this is shaping up to be.  Before I elaborate on what has happened, what led to this new leaf, I should probably mention what (apparently) precipitated it.  These things can be hard to pinpoint in one neat and tidy explanation; really, how do I KNOW what prompted me to suddenly seek out a bunch of podcasts of a certain 12-step program?  And what then prompted me to quietly begin considering how I might apply those principles to my own life, and to then test the waters?  I doubt I’ll ever fully know.  But that seems to be part of the appeal for me.  I don’t really have to know such answers, at least in terms of getting better.  The solution remains the same regardless.  What a relief!  How freeing!

But for the sake of story telling, and assuming there’s still some value in self-knowledge, I’ll give some specifics.  I had been finding that the more “living” I’ve been doing, the more I’ve been putting myself out there, pushing past my comfort zone and embarking on more and more extensive adventures…..the more I found that my current m.o. with my eating was no longer “good enough.”  It’s interesting to note that certain behaviors of mine, particularly unplanned overeating (as opposed to, say, a planned and greatly anticipated upcoming Friday night pizza splurge), can be seemingly benign and unobtrusive as long as life is relatively small (and, admittedly, all the more so since these deviations were generally sporadic enough so as to not really affect my weight).  I admit that, in the spirit of “the path of least resistence” or “do only the bare minimum,” I allowed certain insane behaviors to remain in place, unchallenged, due to these very reasons.  But as my life became bigger, as I pushed and continued experiencing more and more growth…..darn it if I found that these behaviors were beginning to impede on my life, in a way that was unacceptable to me.  And on top of that, I’ve been finding myself increasingly…..protective….caring….about my body.  I guess I finally opened my eyes to the awfulness of the effects of this behavior, the turmoil it causes my body even if relatively “mild” (in comparison to what it had been in the past, what it “could” be) and temporary.  It increasingly broke my heart to see my body go through the aftermath, like a wounded beloved pet or other helpless animal.  So the desire to change, I believe, really and truly came from this groundswell within; it really had little to do with “weight” per se, more a genuine desire to be able to live life freely no matter how “big” it gets, and to take as good a care as I can to this wonderful and cherished body I have been entrusted with.

But what prompted actual action was an upcoming trip.  This was to be a high-action trip, one for which there would be no room for “error,” in that I could NOT imagine experiencing the trip with any distraction from my eating.  Just the mere thought of harming the experience through such pointless behavior caused my chest to constrict.  I knew that I had to “get clean” for the trip and have a plan in place to somehow suspend my behaviors and have healthy ones in their place, be they temporary or the start of something long-term.

I had already made some internal shifts, I believe, when I began listening to the podcasts.  But without a doubt, listening to the speakers struck a huge chord with me.  I found myself letting go of preconceived ideas, found myself feeling the excitement that comes with approaching something with an open mind, something I thought I was good at but soon concluded that I definitely was less practiced at this than I had originally believed.  But now I found myself, for the first time that I can ever remember, confronting the fears and anxieties and other such reactions with a, “Well take a deep breath and….why not?  Don’t panic, just listen and see what happens.”  And that was the turning point.  What could I lose?  Why not consider some new, uncharted territory?  I felt secure enough with where I’ve brought myself to believe that if I really felt the need to retreat, I could put myself back on my own track and go on my merry way.  But somehow I sensed that this made sense, that this was and is the right step for myself.

And I can only say, something magical happened.  Something switched inside me.  I’m going to skip past a couple of weeks, though I will say the trip was AWESOME.  Truly life-changing, and in so many ways and I know much of it had to do with the shift I’d made in the period leading up to it and the trip itself.  I knew something was happening just by the fact that I kept it to myself until after we’d returned from the trip.  Normally, I tell my husband EVERYTHING, but this time I really felt the need to stay private about it, let this internal journey be mine, at least until I knew whether this was really going somewhere.

Anyway, but aside from the amazing trip that resulted, I believe, largely from this internal shift, something astonishing happened upon our return that REALLY illuminated my internal change.  Ordinarily, upon returning from a trip, it’s not unusual for me to indulge myself foods/treats that I was unable to access on the trip.  Since eating cleanly on a trip is nothing new to me — it’s my normal mode, as I like to keep things simple in that regard, it’s not unusual to have a rather mono-food diet while traveling, which I actually enjoy as it forces me to extract pleasure from foods I normally overlook when I have access to more varieity.  But it still means I miss certain foods, and I have found it’s simply easiest to allow one indulgent dinner/evening following my return, get it “out of my system,” and voila, I’m back on track.  And although this trip brought forth certain changes that were new for me, overall my eating on this trip was probably not so very different from my normal “clean travel diet,” which meant I once again anticipated my upcoming “treat night” upon our return.

And although we were returning on a Sunday, I did not want to make Sunday night Treat Night as I hate starting off my Monday/week with a foggy head and bloaty digestion.  But looking at my calendar, I noticed that Tuesday would be a mostly work-out-of-the-house day.  Perfect, I thought, I’ll allow my Treat Night for Monday.

So here’s the astonishing part.  I woke up Monday morning, got dressed and ready for work.  Yet….I found myself strangely undesiring of having any treats that day.  Understand, once I make such a decision, normally that’s it, there’s no revisiting it, and I must admit I spend much of my day thinking about the goodies I will be indulging myself that evening.  So for me to have even one second thought is unheard of.  Yet here I was, going about my day, not wanting to follow through with it.  The reason?  Not because of the anticipated digestion/foggy head woes, but because I had had such an amazing trip….I didn’t want to end the afterglow just yet.  I knew that the moment I truly gave in to allowing this treat night, my mind would cease all thoughts of the trip and go back to its “pre trip” orientation.  I couldn’t bear the thought.  Maybe later, I thought.  But…..not today.  So I made the decision to hold off.  Yes, I did.  And I nearly cried, it’s like I could feel my body smiling at the joy of knowing it would not be inundated with food it did not need, food that would offer nothing nutritionally.  Talk about a change!

So that in itself was its own reward; arriving home from work, cooking up a delicious, wholesome, and modest meal, and savoring it and the feeling of going to bed comfortable, and of course of waking up comfortable.  I literally danced around happily!

BUT this wasn’t the only gift.  For this decision of mine was even more fortuitous than I initially realized.  A couple hours into the day, I got a call from a close friend, in urgent need of going out for coffee to talk — highly unusual as most of us in my social circle are busy enough that such spontaneous get-togethers are rare.  But I said “of course” and we met up.  Turns out my friend was experiencing a huge personal crisis and needed the support of someone who cares, and chose me to be that someone.  And here I was, stepping to the plate and able to be there for my friend.  I can assure you, had I followed through with my original Treat Night plan, I would NOT have been able to be so supportive, so fully present with all of my being.  I might not even have agreed to go, might have come up with a “legitimate” excuse for why I could not.  I shudder to think of this, but I also can’t help but think….was there some Higher Power in effect, steering me?  How else do you explain the series of events?  At the very least, I feel as though some form of divine intervention was in play.

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Wow, 364 days (and 12 steps) later

How strange, that the very next time I feel inclined to post is almost exactly one year to the date from my last post!  I haven’t even read that post yet, so you and I will together have a new experience after I finish writing this.

So I suppose I should offer a bit of a year in summary before I get into today’s topic.  LOTS has happened since a year ago.  It’s almost mind-boggling, yet probably only to me (and my husband, who knows me best), as much of the change is internal and/or subtle in the overall big picture.

For starters, last summer had brought with it some changes in my nutrition that finally rendered some much-sought results in fall (that’s code for, I stopped eating certain foods and finally saw a return of more sharply defined muscles and a boost in my energy/mood), and I fell into a pattern that felt quite comfortable and sustainable.  The summer also brought some terrific high points with regard to my athletics, and to be sure it was a period of tremendous growth for me.  I began to commit more to activities for which disordered eating (specifically, unplanned extra eating, sometimes resulting in a full-blown binge, causing unwanted digestive discomfort) was not compatable, which was great in that it further illuminated the fact that I was shifting from prioritizing the momentary, instant relief I feel when I’m engaged in those behaviors (the food but also the “attending to the aftermath” which is also a distraction)….to the more gratifying participation in life and interacting with the people in my life.

And as I said, the physical effects of some of these changes were seen especially in the fall, almost “overnight.”  Even though I believe it was the accumulation of consistent changes and work, it was as though all of a sudden my body “clicked” in a way it hadn’t in the months prior, certainly not in the winter/early spring months.  So a good reminder that it’s important to stay the course that you truly believe is better for yourself, even if the anticipated changes/results are not quite happening in the time frame you were expecting.

So my fall was quite a pleasing experience.  I made some changes and strides professionally as well.  I have learned that I’m a creature that needs to be around people at least some of the time, even when I’m doing work that involves just myself and my computer.   So I made some changes to address that.  Overall, an ongoing “coming out of my shell” would be a good way to sum it up.  NOT without challenges and low points, mind you, but definitely a net positive journey.

Then winter set in and sheesh, it’s scary and deflating that no matter how determined I am, no matter what the tools in my arsenal, I seem to lose the wind in my sails.  It’s like winter takes me in my perfectly happy state, chews me up and then spits me out, leaving me raw and disoriented and having to heal those wounds just to get back to where I left off.  The lack of inspiring landscape immediately around us coupled with the endless cold and gray…..it doesn’t do my body or mind good, though it sure does force me to flex my “look at the bright side” muscles.  The one positive I have to say is that my eating (and exercise, though the latter is a given, I love to move) was more balanced than it has been in previous winters.  The trouble was, and it’s the same issue of the previous winter, despite my shoring up my eating even more (to the best of my assessment) cleanly than that of fall, my body was not responding in kind.  In fact on the contrary, it was much harder to stay within my goal weight range, and worse for me, my body shape was once again “not itself,” odd subtle changes that caused my clothes to look different even when my weight was more or less the same.  I realize these are small matters in the overall scheme of things, but for my can’t-find-the-shutoff-valve mind, all I do is wonder wonder wonder why the very measures that rendered such different results as recently as 4-5 months ago….could be so useless now.  Does not compute!

So suffice it to say, it was par for my usual mid/late winter progression:  out of sorts, frustrated, making tweaks in spite of feeling emotionally all over the place and feeling frustrated that my efforts were not being duly rewarded with the kind of changes I had come to expect from my body.  But worse….MUCH worse….I was increasingly aware of the effect this was all having on my living.  I’m realizing more and more how much I DON’T want to go through life with my greatest immediate accomplishment being that of, “she knows how to get/keep a buff body.”  I want to be of help/use to others.  Yes, I know I’m already of some help/use with loved ones, friends, my husband, my job….but I’m still consuming WAY too much physical, mental and spiritual energy around this thing.  And I’m increasingly realizing how much I’m missing out on in so doing, how much I have NOT done or how much I have not been present due to the demands of this behavior — indulging it and then recovering from it.  And finally, I’m realizing how much I am NOT in control of the outcome, anyway, so why am I trying to hard to engineer it?

Well that final conclusion, that’s actually come along in recent weeks.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  So let me backtrack to mid-March.

I don’t know why, I can’t even pinpoint the specific day, but for some reason, I found myself hunting down some podcasts of a 12-step program.  And upon listening to that very first one, I was immediately riveted.  It was not my first exposure to 12-step programs; I had read a memoir of somebody’s experience with one, which I’d enjoyed.  And I had, in fact, looked into such an option for myself on more than one occasion (haha, always in March, do you suppose winter has some role in all of this?).  But I never acted on the research for various reasons, not the least of which is the internal clash I have with some of the philosophies of such a program.  But I suppose the “take what you need and leave the rest” suggestion kept my mind open enough so that when the time was right and I was ready, I could take that next step.

So suddenly I was listening to stories of people who were articulate, intelligent, witty (of course all the traits I like to think I possess!)…..and yet who somehow found long-term relief from their eating behaviors, which they assert were part and parcel of a bigger-picture spiritual malady.  I found myself suspending whatever reservations I might have and simply listened, figuring there would be value in gleaning something, anything, from their anecdotes.

And quietly, gently, almost imperceptibly, I found myself making changes.  They were internalized and external as well, and they felt quite different from anywhere I had been before.  It was as though I’d crossed a threshold from one phase of my life to a new one, and I was now setting out to build that new infrastructure.

Well hopefully it won’t be another year until I report back!   I’m excited about all that has happened and hope to share the details in subsequent posts.

Be well and thank you for reading!

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Interpreting the “Higher Power” reference in OA

Generally, OA is not my personal cup of tea.  I appreciate that it’s helpful to others and for that I acknowledge its value; it simply isn’t for me.  However, I strongly agree with some of the beliefs and approaches by the organization, even if I don’t necessarily apply them in the exact same way as they do.  I agree, for example, that helping others who are struggling is one way to help yourself (though obviously that ought not be the only motivation for doing so).

I have a book, one of my favorites, on overcoming overeating (no, it’s not the book by that title nor the author), written by a member of OA and based on the program therein.  It’s not an “official” OA book, but from what I understand of the organization, it ought to be, for it’s about the most logical, clear-cut, well-organized manual on the subject I have ever read.  And so much of what the author spells out about the program are points I have found, on my own, to be extremely helpful.

But the one element I have often struggled with is the notion of a Higher Power.  Don’t get me wrong; I believe in God or some comparable entity, believe there is “more” than what meets the eye on this earth.  But somehow, the notion of handing myself over to a Higher Power — one of the credos of OA — has never sat well with me.  To me it suggests that I lack the ability to overcome this — or, now that I’ve done most of the “overcoming,” to manage this.  I might be misinterpreting it, but that’s how I read it.  I like the idea of taking full ownership and responsibility for such a problem, and in upholding the idea that I alone — maybe through the tools God has provided me? — can make my own wise decisions and go about implementing change.

But I had a light bulb moment the other day that gave me a sense of resolution to this, perhaps because I *want* to believe in that part of OA.  I was on one of the cardio machines at the gym, reflecting on a conversation my husband and I had had that morning.  I was asking his advice on tweaking my current food plan.  I go through this every single winter; I swear the lack of daylight and the cavedweller effect of all this snow and cold literally scrambles my brain out of its normal self, because this plays out every year without fail.  In short, I begin to “experiment” with my eating, introducing foods that are 99% likely to cause trouble, and to make short-term decisions that, frankly, are immature, selfish, impulsive and/or self-indulgent.  It nearly always leads to a period of trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip.  There finally comes a point when I cry “uncle” and recognize that there’s no place like home, “home” being my regular food plan, my regular approach.  It’s almost as though I momentarily get amnesia, “forgetting” how predictably these foods have caused problems in the past, hoping upon hope that maybe “this time will be different.”  And of course, we all know what happens next!

So of course, it’s like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz.  You take this magical mystery tour, only to realize, reluctantly at times, that you’re still best off doing what’s always worked.  Which is the point I had reached recently after just such an experimentation.  My patient husband duly administered his (appropriate) “duh” response upon my verbalizing this revelation.

So now I’m on the cardio machine, reflecting on how if I only shut off all outside noise — all books, all message boards, all TV ads, all Oprah’s, all magazine articles, all overheard conversations, all blogs…… and simply turn to that internal source, I always steer myself right.  What frustrates me, I suppose, is because what works for me tends to run against what is commonly touted.  That’s tough, as it means I have to essentially plug my ears with my fingers and yell “la la la la la” as it can be soooooo easy to let myself second-guess that internal wisdom.  But you can’t argue with success, and whenever I’ve ignored the popular “sensible” wisdom of the masses (not the rules of nutrition, just in how I choose to adminster them for myself), BOOM, I click into a pleasant, almost “easy” rhythm of eating and lifestyle.  When I futz with it…. I struggle.

Ah-HAH!!!!!!!!!!!   In other words….. that “inner wisdom” of mine IS that “Higher Power.”  It’s that overarching authority that must ultimately be the dominant voice in choosing your tools, your path.  Because everything “beneath” it — looking to others for validation/guidance, going by the popular choice, going by the whims of cravings (danger, Will Robinson), going by the whims of what others insist is the “right” way — is ground clutter.  You have to have someone or something that is unfailingly the final word to ensure you DON’T get pulled in every which direction.  Does this “Higher Power” wisdom of mine come from God?  Or something similar?  Is it within me only?  Is it a compilation of everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve experienced?  Probably….yes.  To all of the above.  Or maybe not.  Who knows, who cares.  The point is, I GET IT now.  And suddenly it makes all the sense in the world to me.  And truth be told, it’s the one sure source that I have always found works (when I listen to and implement it).

Another piece to the puzzle!

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