A great week!

My last entry was a sort of condensed “Where am I now” update, badly needed as there was a huge time gap since my last post.  I won’t rehash it, obviously, but I wanted to post and update since that update.  In last week’s post, I’d mentioned that there appears to be a new path unfolding for me with regard to my recovery, and although I didn’t elaborate on it in detail (and I’m still refraining from doing so, sorry), I want to give a little follow up on how this past week has gone on this seemingly new path.

The answer is, so far, so good!  I’m feeling an irrefutable groundswell of change happening, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time to be in this place.  Basically, I’m in the process of letting go of certain habits — both those that are simply outright destructive and those that either enable the destructive habits, or just have reached the point in which they’ve run their course, they’re no longer particularly useful, and it’s time I move on from them.  Altogether, it’s putting me in a very strange place, mentally.  I feel a bit like a trapeze artist, who has relinquished her grip from one trapeze, and is now suspended mid-air until I can grab hold of the next trapeze that swings my way.  But I’m not fighting this.  I know that this is just where I need to be until new habits get formed.  Truthfully, I’m already feeling a shift even from a week ago.  I’m also welcoming whatever anxiety or urges or annoyances I’m confronting, it’s empowering to feel them and realize I don’t have to turn to certain behaviors even when they hit!  “Bring it on!”  The other side effect this is having is….I feel a little spacey.  I’ve often joked that I seem to have my best presentations, speeches, conversations, etc. when I’m having a bad day, or something majorly wrong has happened that day.  My theory is that there’s a part of my brain that is momentarily staying “occupied” by the bad stuff, liberating the part of my brain that focuses and connects with just the right communication processes.  Well right now it’s the opposite; I’m having a hard time articulating my thoughts, my phone calls are awkward, I seem easily distracted, etc.  This is very irritating and unnerving as I have always prided myself with my ability to communicate well, my wit, etc., and to come away from any of my exchanges with another person feeling good about how it went.  Not so at the moment.  But I’m assuming that, too, will get better over time, as my brain learns to function in the absence of certain habits and as I forge new ones.  But it’s interesting to observe!

So….we’ll see how this week unfolds.

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The serenity of binge-free living

As you probably have deduced, I’m not using or updating this blog very regularly these days (how’s that for a fancy way to say I’ve been completely MIA?).  Truth be told, I find that my ability to benefit from such an outlet fluctuates; sometimes I do better by actually distancing myself from any focus — blogs, books, message boards, etc. — on anything that has to do with eating disorders or weight or food issues.  By shifting my focus away from those things AND surrounding myself with a lifestyle and people who represent anything BUT those things, it’s almost as though I “forget” to have such issues.  Sometimes I think there’s a danger in all this self-help via interacting (or lurking, anyway) with others, because doing so can “normalize” what is otherwise very unacceptable behavior, IMO.  For example, certain behaviors or perceptions may not even OCCUR to me, yet in an environment in which people with weight or eating issues are discussing their problems/recovery, I may encounter individuals who engage in these things.  And while at first I may read with a sense of detached curiosity, you read it often enough and suddenly it doesn’t seem so odd, and suddenly you find your own mind is actually absorbing some of these things, and it starts to pollute your own thinking.  By cutting loose and instead only conversing with people who have never had eating issues, I remind myself what “normal/healthy” looks like.  I realize my own version of “normal/healthy” may not ever be quite there — my history brings with it some realities that I ought not be naive enough to ignore.  But who knows?  Time does great things, and through repetition, it’s amazing how much a person can change, to where there’s not even a hint of a resemblence to their former self or way of thinking.

Ha ha, I’m making it sound like I’m desiring such a dramatic change!  No.  But do I think I benefit greatly from getting out of any “ED recovery” environment or mindset?  Yes, absolutely.  Where I’ll ultimately go….again, who knows?

Anyway, but I’d had a recent turn of events that threw me into a bit of turmoil.  Happily, that turmoil is being resolved, but out of the crisis an interesting lesson was illuminated for me.

I have often lamented (tongue-in-cheek), particularly when I’ve prepared for my various athletic events, about how well nutritious eating “works.”  Meaning, by golly, when I’m forced to eat absolutely cleanly for a long, unbroken stretch of time, usually because I’m training much more intensively and have ambitious goals for a given athletic event, I not only see the influence of properly chosen foods and supplements on my body and athletic performance, I also experience a remarkable, almost unbelievable, release from all my cravings.  Whereas I normally can navigate the ebbs and surges of my appetite and cravings without too much problem — they’re there, but with good nutrition and other tools in place, I can ignore and/or work with them effectively, during these extra-clean eating times, it goes even beyond that; I literally lose the cravings.  Eating my planned meals is effortless, I lose my hunger and yet have boundless energy.  It’s not the most “fun” I’ve had with my eating — the foods are typically not the kind that hit people’s Top 10 list of favorite cheat items, but it feels a small sacrifice when compared with the reprieve it gives me from the daily challenge of appetite management.  Why, you wonder, do I ever stray from such synchronicity?  Like everything, little by little, I let “things” chip away at the oh-so-well-oiled-machine, and while my weight pretty much remains the same, I gradually find myself back to the usual m.o., which includes clean eating, just enough “non clean” eating to satisfy my perceived cravings and to stimulate some new cravings of their own, with willpower kicking in to keep things from moving in the direction of those cravings.  I know, deep down, that if I bring myself back to that more simple eating arrangement, I will probably go back to a craving-free existence, but there’s a reluctance that’s hard to penetrate if I don’t have some overarching motivator, such as an athletic event to prepare for.  Perhaps one of these days things will “stick” more than they have thus far.

With that in mind, recently I had experienced a “mysterious” weight gain.  Now hear me out, I’m normally a person who rolls her eyes at the notion of “mysterious” weight gain.  There’s no mystery; you took in more calories than you burned.  Simple as that.  And this, I believe, is still true.  But considering I’m as vigilant as I’ve always been about weighing my food, measuring my food, tracking my daily calories, recording my food intake and my exercise…… the sudden (as in, over a couple of months’ time) weight gain and notable change of body composition truly had me baffled.  By weight gain, I mean relatively small; about 5-6 pounds over my norm.  But on my frame….it looked AWFUL!  But worst of all, I just couldn’t find a good reason.  If anything, my eating and exercise were even tighter than they were in the preceding 6-8 months.  It was baffling and frightening.  It took a long time for me to get to the level of management of my eating (and the ED) that I currently have, and the thought that I might have to make additional tweaks was overwhelming me.  It didn’t help that I was emerging from one of the hardest and harshest winters our area has ever had.  Clearly Seasonal Affective Disorder was a factor in my dispondence.  And while the extra weight may not seem like a big deal, it was just enough to not only force me out of most of my clothes, but to feel….compromised.  I know at what weight range I look irrefutably at my personal best, and this wasn’t it.  I looked bloated, puffy, definitely imbalanced.  I had been at this weight many years before, but back then it was somehow healthier, more fit, even if it still wasn’t my goal weight.  This?  It didn’t even look like me.

I’ll spare the details of how we finally figured out what the problem was — or at least, what we believe the problem was.  Suffice it to say, we did resolve the problem, and I have taken most of the weight off.  I’m now up by a pound or two and can expect the rest to fall into place soon enough.

But the “why” isn’t really the point here.  My point is what I experienced while trying to deal with the mysterious problem.  Because I had no idea what was going on, only that I was gaining weight mysteriously, one of the changes I had to make was to further shore up my eating.  I needed to make certain that I was truly being accurate in my intake and consistent in staying within my allocated caloric boundaries.  I also figured that darn it, if I was gaining weight now, while eating so cleanly, there was no telling what awful consequence would befall me if I dared stray from my eating plan.  So no cheats.  For a long time.

And that is why I make this post.  Because admittedly, as I have referenced before, I had become accustomed, over the years, to a management strategy whereby I would eat cleanly and exercise regularly, enough so that my metabolism could handle a (usually) once-a-week cheat.  Good enough, except that these cheats were often quite grand in scale — cookies, pizza, cheese, chocolate, eaten to the point of discomfort.  It’s been hard to curtail this one remnant of my ED (which at times didn’t look particularly ED’d, more just the kind of nibble fest people often experience on a Saturday night), as it would often take a good 2-3 days for me to feel recovered from the consequences of my splurge.  And while I didn’t always turn to such decadence on a weekly basis, I would still allow at least 2 days each week in which I’d eat way, way more than my body needed of even “healthy” food, such as trail mix or apples or sugar-free pudding.  And while my weight somehow remained consistent despite these occasional flights of fancy, the cycle of dealing with the added quantity of food on my gastrointestinal tract….the distress it would cause….was awful.  Part of my challenge over these last several months has been to work on lessening the severity.  I say “lessen the severity” because I don’t necessarily think I can nor should abolish these occasional deviations from my food plan.  But of course, there’s a huge difference between having an extra helping of a treat food or cooking a particular recipe in its “full fat” version but otherwise leave the day’s eating the same….vs. what I was doing, which definitely went beyond where it should be.  But….old habits die hard.  Choose your poison, and all of that.

So imagine the unexpected “gift” this recent dilemma gave to me.  For while I was decidedly unhappy with my situation — that is, I was annoyed with what was happening to my body and consumed about trying to figure out what the heck was going on,  I found myself, on a particularly difficult day, taking note of one shining light:  the serenity of being away from bingeing.  Because of my body’s apparant rebellion, I had vigilantly kept myself away from eating outside of my meal plan, and for a long stretch of time.  In this case, it had been weeks since I’d last strayed, and prior to that stumble, a few additional weeks still.  Altogether, I had had almost a couple of months without bingeing (my term for those Saturday and/or weeknight cheats), and I have to tell you….. it was wonderful.  While I was still struggling to find outfits that fit me, I could at least feel the serenity that comes when the body hasn’t been inundated with excess food.  My mind was cleaerer, my energy levels more even, my digestive tract at relative peace.

Well, happily, the few changes that I felt were needed, that I felt may provide the relief my body needed from what appeared to be going on….did finally start to take effect.  I began to see “my” body re-emerge, which was a huge relief, indeed.  I had a few athletic events come and go as well during that time, and found the problem to be almost 100% resolved.

So you know what happened next.  Of course!  Problem solved, success at my athletic events, which means it must be time to celebrate!  Mind you, I’m not out of the woods yet, especially since the whole point is to bring myself back to where I normally MAINTAIN myself, not just some bottom-end extreme from which I can then promptly rebound.  But sure enough, at the first opportunity (read:  where I had a day of down time afterward, allowing me to become cave-dweller and digest quietly out of the radar of most humanity), I merrily high-tailed it to the store, picking out all the sugar-fat-kitchen-sink delights I had so steadfastilly kept myself away from for so long.  It was almost head-spinning — literally — to experience these foods again, like switching on a bunch of neuro-receptors that had become dormant (not unlike what I imagine it’s like to smoke a cigarette after having quit for a while).  A couple of hours and a distended belly later, I couldn’t believe I had once again let myself fall into that bizarre, pre-binge amnesia, where I seem to forget how truly horrible the aftermath is — much more horrible than any pleasure obtained from the taste of the food.

So okay, a trip, stumble and fall.  It happens.  Move on.  Only…. I’ve had a couple more since.  So now I’m back to shoring up my eating and be more guarded on what behaviors and foods I allow over the next week or so.  Having had some blissful reprieve from my last binge, I can once again taste that serenity that I recently experienced, and I’m anxious to return to that place more solidly.  It’s fresh in my mind, and I’m grateful to have been, albeit through strange circumstances, forced to rout out some remnant destructive behaviors so as to let me catch a glimpse of it!  I don’t want to forget it anytime soon.  Talk about realizing how ready I am to be rid of those remnants, once and for all! 

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Craving management: Like Maslow’s hierarchy

Well, I’m back from my break, at least briefly.  I’m not sure I’ll post again very frequently (if at all), if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t have much in the way of thought-provoking revelations or discoveries of the moment.  My ED seems to be in a state of semi-remission (I say “semi” mainly to avoid letting my guard down and becoming complacent) at the moment, so I’m just coasting along and enjoying what appears to be a new phase of my life.  Interesting, exciting, and a bit scary all at the same time!

However, I do want to post a conclusion I’m increasingly drawing on the subject of cravings, dealing with hunger, appetite, eating management, etc.  I’ll explain how and why I’ve come to this conclusion.

Due to my ED quieting down, I’ve been interacting more with people with no apparent history of eating issues, from all sorts of walks of life.  Mainly though, those people whom I admire or with whom I have shared interests.  I’m doing this both just for personal enrichment, but also to further learn — understand where an ED “ends” and “normalcy” begins.  Sometimes this is a gray area that’s hard to pinpoint.

So that’s my “how.”  Now the “why”:

I suppose one reason I’m taking a break is, I don’t want to forever have to be so active in my analysis and debate regarding my emotions, my behavior, etc.  I’m realizing that there’s no such thing as “total” recovery, meaning, you’ll never fully extinguish cravings, you’ll never achieve a state of absolute contentment.  So to keep pursuing such a goal is frought with frustration, as no matter how well you’re doing, it’s never going to be “good enough” if that’s the lofty goal you’re holding yourself up to.  I think part of why I’ve become fidgety over the last couple of years is because I want to figure out where “normal” is.  At what point am I more or less “normal”?  Obviously, the answer can only be answered by me, but figuring that out is no easy task.  I suppose the answer has to come from a combination of observing “normal” in others who appear to be more or less where you want to be….and what you personally are willing to accept as your personal “normal.”

So why be so analytical?  Why the need to decide such a thing?  Simple.  I want to get to the point that I can let GO of the recovery process already.  If I honestly feel I’ve taken my recovery about as far as I can, I can relax and settle in where I’m at and free up my mind for other things.  I don’t have to wonder if there’s more around the corner if I only put in another six months of active effort.  I do think there’s a point in which any additional improvements will be negligible at best.  More over, they may very well happen anyway, even without “formal” effort, just by living my life based on the values and principles I’ve established over the course of my recovery.  In other words, at some point I have to let go of micro-managing my recovery, and instead just let those ongoing, if smaller, changes continue to occur in their natural timing.

Okay, so here’s what I’m concluding.  In the whole scheme of eating — cravings, hunger, appetite, deprivation, etc., and life — emotions, personality inclinations, etc., there are “layers” of these elements that aren’t unlike Maslow’s hierarchy.  There’s the first layer, which I’ll call the “biological creature” layer.  Just the basic facts of being a living thing:  metabolism, eating, energy production and consumption, etc.  The next layer up will be the “genetics” layer.  Next is the “human experience” layer.  Up from that might be “issues and specific personality challenges” layer.  Above that might be the “eating disorders” layer.

What’s my point here?  That no matter how much you heal, grow, mature, resolve issues, change bad habits, develop healthy outlets, learn new coping skills, strategize your meals and nutrition, exercise wisely, attend to your health, learn to live with your emotions, etc…… you will STILL have a certain amount of cravings, appetite, hunger, emotional challenges, etc.  There is no fully getting rid of these things, because they’re driven largely by certain realities of biology, genetics, and simply the “normal” human experience.  You can do your best to attend to those things you can change, and clearly help yourself deal with those elements you can’t change, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to grit your teeth through times of uncomfortable hunger, cravings that just won’t die, irrational emotions and crankiness when you have no reason to be anything but ecstatic and grateful.

And here’s the thing:  the above things are OKAY!!!  There was a time when I’d experience some major breakthrough, or put to practice a great strategy of “alternate actitivites” (i.e. when a craving hits, do something to occupy yourself that doesn’t involve food), or develop hobbies or form great friendships that helped keep my mind happy and busy, boosted my self-esteem and  elevated my overall life contendedness, or had an “ah-hah!” about the origins of my behavior……and I guess deep down I kept hoping that somehow these things would help “magically” cut my cravings, or reduce my desire to make inappropriate eating choices.  I was WAITING for it all to at least become a little bit EASIER.

But here’s the truth, at least per my experience.  All of those things are great, but they don’t take away the cravings.  They don’t remove the urge to eat outside of my planned meal strategy for that day.  They don’t make keeping my weight where I like it any easier.  BUT….what they do is help me solidify my resolve, keep my confidence and sense of self-trust high, keep me motivated to confront these difficult challenges and STILL make the right choice, even if every cell of my being is momentarily screaming for a bag of cookies.

In other words, sometimes you’re going to have to white-knuckle it.  If you want both the emotional healing AND a body that’s fit and trim, you still have to deal with those challenges that are simply a normal reality of biology, genetics, and the human experience.  Just as our lungs always have a reserve of air in them, so too do we have a “reserve” of challenges that won’t go away completely, not for as long as we’re alive.

Ironically, it’s actually very freeing to arrive at this conclusion.  I don’t have to wonder if the existence of these things somehow points to the ED, or suggests I need to do “more work” in order to try to extinguish them.  I simply need to accept these realities, make my peace with them, and then flex that mental muscle every time I confront one of these challenges.  It may never get easier, but like everything, with repetition and time, I can get used to it.

I can live with that!  

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“Old” emotions, trigger analysis

No real triggers lately as I’m continuing to do okay with my 90 day challenge.  And I’m always leary about talking about triggers, not so much because I don’t think they exist or that I’m embarrassed about my own personal triggers.  Rather, it’s realizing that at some point, trying to pinpoint exactly what led to a binge or other eating episode is a pointless exercise.  At the end of the day, it really doesn’t *matter* what triggered it, one, because it’s impossible to definitively put your finger on it like that.  Do you REALLY know that you were triggered by incident or emotion x, y or z?  Or were you more triggered by simply smelling a fresh-baked cookie and feeling annoyed that to eat it would be outside of your body’s needs that day?  It’s impossible to pinpoint the answer (most of the time — sometimes it’s very obvious), because it’s probably not one factor alone.  But the other reason for the futility of figuring out the trigger is because triggers will happen each and every day.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  You can’t eliminate them, so what’s the point of zeroing in on them?  The problem isn’t the trigger; the problem is your reaction to it.  The more constructive approach, to me, is to focus more on your coping skills and learning to sit with your emotions, so that regardless of what happens on a given day, you won’t let it sway what you set out to do/behave.

That said, I’m realizing more and more how old emotions can be a trigger.  Heck, never mind trigger, just realizing that emotions I feel may in fact be “old” is an interesting revelation.  I wonder if it’s partly because these are the emotions I ignored/stifled when bingeing?  Do they remain somewhere in there and come up at a later point?  Could be.  Or it could just be that something reminded me of a past event/emotion, prompting me to re-experience it.  Doesn’t matter to me.  What matters is that I can see it and recognize it.  At least I know that I don’t need to act on or work with it in any way.  Just ride it out and let it pass, like a rogue rainshower.  The Weather Channel didn’t predict it, but come mid-afternoon, a few fluffy clouds converged and a spontaneous rainstorm followed.  Short-lived, harmless.

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“This body is not who I am anymore”

Wow.  What a powerful and poignant statement.  It was made by someone who had recovered from her disordered eating behavior — in her case, years of abusing food in the form of regular binges, in stifling emotions and coping with life’s stresses by focusing all her attentions on food.  Now, having gone through the long process of working through her emotional and behavioral issues, she is free of destructive thinking and no longer binges at all.  But the results of the turmoil (her word) she suffered for so many years are now stubbornly still clinging to her body in the form of significant excess weight.  But since so many eating disorder recovery programs rebuff the notion of dieting for ANY reason (“dieting” being anything from jumping on the fad of the moment or simply adopting a food plan), she’s trying to figure out how best to now resolve the physical end of her recovery.  Unfortunately, as probably most of us know, once you gain weight, it takes a huge amount of effort to reverse that number and begin to lose, even if you’re no longer eating scary-big portions.  This is where this woman is at.  How do you make the changes — which yes, include some uncomfortable sacrifices (show me someone who has lost weight without EVER feeling a pang of hunger or craving…..and I’ll show you someone who’s being either dishonest or delusional or both) — that will begin to remove the “calling card” to a problem you no longer have?  Especially since being significantly overweight restricts a person from so many activities, either literally or just from an enjoyment perspective, it’s understandable that once the eating disorder is resolved, the desire to “rejoin all that life has to offer” enters the picture (as it should).  But yuck, that’s a frustration I hope I never have to confront.  You’re no longer that person, but until you can make the kind of intense changes that bring forth otherwise, your body is still stuck where it was when you were “that person” so long ago.

You know, the more I read the more I even wonder if I even *have* an eating disorder.  Does the fact that I occassionally surrender to a food binge, followed by several days of kicking it up a notch with my exercise (never to the point where I hurt myself) and squeaky-clean eating, automatically mean I have bulimia?  The more I’m reading about the whole mentality, the “if only I’d be thinner, I would be happier, I’m a horrible loser because I ate an extra string bean” has no place in my thought process.  I would never go on a fad diet; in fact I would never go on a diet that isn’t of my own design as I can’t stand being told what I can and cannot eat.  But I don’t deny that there are strong, irrefutable links between what we eat and our health, weight, and disease risk.  I never kid myself when I’m straying from sound eating choices and I thus find that having some specific rule structure to my eating is a necessity for me.  I’m starting to think my occasional lapses are simply that….. lapses.  They alone don’t constitute an eating disorder.

But going back to the topic at hand, the one thing I have always advocated — and this person’s dilemma just reiterates it — is that physical recovery really should occur concurrent to the emotional/mental recovery.  I think part of being an adult is being able to develop the maturity and strength to confront our habits on both ends.  You’re already making the effort on the one end.  Why wait before starting the other?  If anything, the sooner you start to rout out the behaviors and habits that are rendering your body something you don’t want, something that is unhealthy for you and not representative of the person you wish to be, the faster you can establish constructive habits to replace the bad ones and help you form your new identity.  Obviously, there’s a rhythm to this; at times you may not be able to be as aggressive with the physical end of things as you’d like, but all too often, I think we back off of keeping the good fight going, because (let’s face it) it’s HARD!  And given we all have egos that like to be protected against self-admonishment, it’s much “nicer” to tell yourself you just can’t do it right now as you have so much emotional turmoil to deal with, rather than say you’re CHOOSING to not engage in positive behaviors because you’re not enjoying how difficult it is.  Who wants to own up to that?  But I think the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you’ll find yourself sticking it out more often when the going gets tough, which ultimately will help you see those positive results and WOW if that isn’t a confidence and self esteem booster, I don’t know what is!

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“Advanced Eating Disorder Recovery Phase”….not many resources for this!

It dawned on me yesterday, upon lurking at a blessed message board for eating disorder recovery (yes, I know my tagline suggests otherwise, but there IS sometimes an accurate use for that word), one reason I feel the need for this blog:  There’s very little out there, be it in the form of books or therapies or support groups or message boards, for those who are well beyond the early stages of eating disorder recovery, yet still struggle with a few remnant behaviors (and/or thoughts) and are still facing the challenges of common, dare I say “human” issues, such as weight management and emotions and life’s ups and downs.  One of the moderators of the board pointed this out and reiterated that one of the reasons the board was created was in the hope of addressing just that group of people.  What a wonderful thing!

I can relate because, for the couple of times I have contacted a therapist, doctor, counselor, etc. and explained where I’m at in my recovery, the response (usually following much silence) is usually one along the lines of, “I’m not sure why you’re contacting me?  You seem to be doing quite well with whatever it is you have been doing on your own.”  In other words, I no longer fit the definition of someone in need of outside assistance:  I’m not in immediate danger and I’m not dysfunctional and I don’t have immediate red-flag emotional issues; my problem is not significantly disrupting my life and I don’t appear to have depression.  And this is all true.  I’m functioning very well, am happy a good deal of the time, don’t have symptoms that match any clinical definition — either in behavior or in frequency — of a true eating disorder.  But I’m not convinced (obviously as I wouldn’t have finally broke down and contacted those services) that I’ve taken my recovery to its fullest potential.  In fact I know I haven’t.  While my behaviors may not be as harmful as they used to be or could be (thank the Gods I’ve never purged via vomiting, and the last laxative I took was 1990), my periodic binges are absolutely harmful to my poor body; I hear my stomach churning and gurgling and I want to cry, like I’ve just abused a loved one and now I’m hearing it suffer its wounds.  It’s a huge motivator for me to keep moving forward with this, as I can’t bear the thought of wrecking my long-term health with this.

Even so, I still appear to be in that group where you’re done with the initial “putting the fire out,” and now you’re re-released back into the world, armed with strategies to manage the problem and to avoid/deal with lapses, but also now having to make heads or tails of life’s normal challenges and the normal psychology that comes with the package, which often has nothing to do with an eating disorder and is just part of the human experience.  Where does your eating disorder end and all of the rest of that begin?  What defines “acceptable” behavior?  What defines “normal”?  If your eating is healthy but extremely odd per what’s considered “normal” and yet it does nothing to harm your health, is that acceptable?  On the other hand if you change your eating such that you no longer retain your “quirks” but you’re now eating more typical of the American diet — meals that may include some healthy stuff but also include junky ingredients, is that “healthier” or “better” than the first example, simply because you’re “fitting in” better, socially?  These are questions no one seems to be addressing, and I suspect it’s both because this is such a gray area — no easy answer, and also because there are so relatively few (percentage wise) people who are at this stage.

But just because the percentage of people who are at this stage is low, doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of us out there!  I’m relieved to at least be letting go of all the “early recovery” stuff — not because they’re not useful but because they’ve run their course for me and are no longer relevent — and focusing on this stage of my recovery.  I only hope to see more voices discussing this, as I suspect this is where a lot of us get bogged down.

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Can there REALLY be a happy medium? Do moderation AND body contentment really co-exist?

I think one of the reasons I remain, at least on some level, eating “disordered” (meaning, I maintain rules of eating that sometimes run against what I would “want” at a given moment and/or that require I sometimes deny or ignore my hunger — physical, emotional, or otherwise — and yes, I still stumble from time to time, though I’m not convinced the two behaviors are necessarily related) is because, quite frankly, I’ve yet to find enough evidence that a happy medium between the two extremes — moderation and body contentment — is (for the most part) attainable.  I read about recovery stories, blogs, and posts from individuals who are attempting to move past compulsive eating or bulimic behaviors, and what I often see are either people who forever remain bogged down in examining their emotional reasons for their problem (trust me, that’s a pit that is probably bottomless…..if you think you must wait before you resolve all of those before you embark on the physical end of recovery, my friend, you’re going to be waiting a long time), or people who have recovered from the destructive eating behavior (they no longer binge or engage in dieting, purging, etc.), but now feel expressedly sad, miserable, etc. about their body, which almost inevitably is considerably heavier than it was when they were engaging in restricting/dieting/etc.  Or, they’ve recovered in that they neither engage in eating disorder behaviors and they have made their peace with having a body that isn’t necessarily society’s definition of “fit and buff,” but are now faced with the dilemma of being told by their doctor that they have some health issues (hypertension, cholesterol, borderline diabetes, etc.) that really need to be addressed in part with their diet.  My heart goes out to these people; they seem genuinely caught between the rock and the hard place, honestly believing that to impose any dietary changes or restrictions is a Bad Thing and will send them back into the throes of their ED…..yet to do nothing means they’re quite possibly putting their health at risk.  Plus…..and this may sound terrible…..I’m not sure what I’m reading in their posts is that their life has become better now that they’ve systematically removed any sense of desire to “fare la bella figura” — to put forth their best physique and appearance.

Truly, at least for myself, I think the carrot stick of desiring a thin and fit appearance, while at times maddening and depressing and craze-inducing, is also quite energizing and electrifying.  I think the pursuit of greatness in ALL areas of life:  career, skills, hobbies, relationships, lifestyle….is part of what makes life interesting, fun, fulfilling.  Taking myself as an example, I work in a highly visual area; my appearance is part of my job and my image/career success is, at least to an extent, hooked into the perception that I maintain a high level of fitness.  And as you might expect, there are times when this really gets to me.  I don’t have the luxury to “hide” behind “safe” clothes on a day I have PMS bloat; I can’t tuck myself into a cubicle and do my job quietly on a day I’m feeling fat from some recent eating indiscretions.  No, I’m on display pretty much every day, and it’s a stress I have to deal with proactively or it can consume me.  Every now and then, I’ll have a week off from my normal schedule, where I will be working primarily out of the house.  And every single time, I look at this week with great anticipation.  A whole week without having to put myself out there!  I think of the joy of just having a nice meal, no need to worry if the foods are inclined to bloat me or if the extra sodium will cause changes that are visible the next day.  Somehow I always expect that my eating will go so much easier without this pressure on my shoulders.

 Well guess what.  It never fails.  Every SINGLE time I have this down time, my eating all but falls apart.  Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m bingeing every night or anything like that.  But as much as I have the best of intentions, without the means of holding myself accountable — in this case, the “instant feedback” of having my body in a revealing article of clothing the next day for all to see, I become way too casual about my indiscretions.  Is this wrong?  Maybe, maybe not.  Are there people out there who don’t need *some* outside influence to keep them on track?  Maybe, but evidently I’m not one of them.  And you know what?  The relief I feel in being able to wear whatever I want and know I look darn fit and trim is WAY better than the angst I feel surrounding the dieting, the restricting, the rules, and yes, even the binges/splurges/falls.

The other thing that makes me skeptical about the whole moderation-meets-body-contentment fantasy (if someone can tell me their story and convince me otherwise, I’d love to be swayed differently), is the fact that of the rare people I’ve encountered in my life who happen to be thin and yet have never dieted (yeah, all 11 of them 🙂 ), they all seem to have an interesting trait in common:  they are fully capable of allowing themselves to become extremely hungry…..and they don’t fuss about it.  If they work super-late and arrive home ravenous….they don’t always respond by eating; they may instead go to bed, in the notion that sleep trumps food at that moment.  And they don’t make a big deal of it.  The next day comes and they’re back to normal.  Or they’ll have a craving for a certain kind of food, and while already ravenous, take the time to spend a couple of hours cooking that meal, calmly, sedately, because THAT is the food they’re desiring.  They have no issue with delayed gratification, and don’t seem to take out their extra hunger by overeating at the meal.  It just doesn’t occur to them.

It’s beginning to make me think what we really all need to do is learn to experience physical, even emotional, hunger, and just be okay with it.  End of analysis.  If you want to be thin, that’s the sacrifice you need to make.  And if you’re overall a bit crankier because of it, well, is that necessarily a bad thing?  If that’s the compromise you’re willing to make, then where’s the harm? 

I was reading Bob Greene’s latest book the other day, and he makes an interesting point in talking about why people don’t keep themselves at their goal once they’ve lost the weight.  Now I don’t completely agree with his over-simplification of a lot of the situation (though I guess such is necessary when you’re creating a program for a mass audience), but he makes an interesting statement that flies head-on into the face of the eating disorder recovery camp.  He says that whenever he asks someone how they felt upon losing all the weight — the eating right, the exercise, etc. — they all say the same thing, that they’ve never felt better!

So who’s right?  Those who believe to be thin and fit and having the diet/exercise to support that is where you’ll feel at your best…..or those who believe you’re at your best when you let go of trying to control your weight, instead embracing wherever your body lands?  Obviously I personally fall into the first group for the most part, but is it possible they’re both right, that it simply boils down to, what do you want?  If you can’t have both, which do you want?

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“Must have a hobby!”

Well, maybe not a hobby, though that’s one option.  But I do think I have the personality type that needs something to focus on at all times.  I often wonder, in fact, if there’s not much that separates super-intense high achievers (i.e. people who attain exceptionally huge career status, largely due to their own hard work) from those who struggle with addictive behavior (and in some cases, have both of those occurring).  The very same inclination to throw oneself wholeheartedly into their work, or a hobby, or whatever task is at hand, is also the same trait that, in the absence of some distinct and engaging life focus, can end up steering a person towards funneling that same energy into addictive, destructive behavior.  And if this is true, is it wise to try to change this inclination in one’s personality?  Is it better to simply try to work with it, take advantage of it even?

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Ugh, diverting a binge

Goodness, sometimes this really is a white-knuckle process.  I knew the evening would probably be a struggle by late afternoon.  There are days in which dinner planning is effortless, then there are days when I can’t seem to make a solid decision about it.  I suspect my indecisiveness is a signal of something else going on.  Or maybe it’s just I’m craving something sugary and am struggling to choose something healthy in its place that will satisfy me.  Or maybe I have some emotions that I’m trying to divert myself away from.  Whatever, it added up to several hours of ping-ponging back and forth between “I will….no I won’t….I will….no I won’t….”  I know how wonderful it will be to wake up tomorrow morning having stuck to my meal plan.  I know how awful I will feel if I don’t.  I know that eating more than my body needs — this late at night, no less, won’t accomplish ANYTHING, in fact it will only take whatever I’m feeling/dealing with and *compound* it.  I know all of these things……and yet it’s still tough.  It’s an urge that feels so PHYSICAL.  I suppose the one consolation is that I’ve been able to successfully put into action the diversion tactics that I’ve learned work best.  I’ve made phone calls, caught up on work, popped in a favorite DVD (background only, not really watching it), and (of course) turned to my writing — i.e. this blog.  And breathing.

Well, I suppose it’s a good time for bed.  Hooray for getting through this!  Sometimes it’s the little victories.

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Holiday Anxiety

OK then, I have posted my novel….I mean, my first post…..to open this blog, it’s time to get down to business.  I’m sitting with my husband on a relaxing Sunday morning, sipping coffee and enjoying the bliss of “down time” (we both work very long hours during the week).  It’s cold outside, but it looks as though a white Christmas may not be in the cards this year, having had much of our snow washed away by recent rain.  Oh well.

Christmas always brings such a dichotomy of emotions for me.  On one hand, I’m excited about the holiday activities.  Always have been.  I love listening to Christmas music, love decorating the house in lights, love to try out new seasonal recipes, love to bake.  Not being one to go out much, I love being able to dress up and attend holiday parties, which is funny because that’s only true to a point; part of me loves being a hermit.  I think it’s a matter of, once you’re there, you’re happy you went, but you drag your feet getting there.

And naturally, there’s the love-hate relationship with the eating at this time of the year.  No doubt about it, the fact that the days are so much shorter, the weather decidedly unfriendly to outdoor activities (for the most part), it’s already a struggle to not feel the siren call of comfort foods.  The thought of nestling into the couch and eating warm chocolate chip cookies, while almost never a temptation in the summer months, suddenly seems a seductively good idea.  I fight more with the depression of seasonal affective disorder, which is one reason I try to get out and run outside on the days when the sun is out and the temperature isn’t too bad. 

But yeah, there’s also that lingering anxiety surrounding the holidays.  Thankfully, my family is extremely tolerant of my insistence on keeping my eating clean; they know I will always bring a “healthy” Christmas dish as part of the dinner offerings, and almost always prepare a “light” dessert for those who would like to try it.  I myself still eat helpings of foods and beverages I truly love — mashed potatoes, a glass of “look at me!” Beaujolais Nouveau, a favorite Christmas cookie, olives (okay, maybe not all at the same time).  But I still keep it to a minimum if possible.  I find that I have a much better time — can concentrate on enjoying the company of the loved ones I’m with — if I retain my calorie goal for that day.  Oddly enough, I’m far more likely to overeat the day AFTER Christmas or even on the 27th, particularly if I happen to be off the next day (i.e. where I don’t have to worry about going to work with a food hangover).  But that’s because such all-night nibbling has more to do with retreating to my private cave and unwinding.  On the holiday itself, I would much rather share and enjoy tiny helpings of lovingly prepared foods with family or friends, and keep the focus on the socializing.

So my goal for the next three days (12/23, 12/24, 12/25) is to eat well but cleanly, deal with whatever stress or excitement (good and bad) comes my way in a constructive manner.  Retain my focus on my deep gratitude to have my family, my loving husband, my friends, a healthy body, warm houses and delicious food to share and savor.  I have not yet even thought of 12/26, nor will I just yet.

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