Abstinence during the holidays: The best gift of all

I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas!  What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in.  Knock on wood, life has been good.

This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year:  Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year.  It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?”  I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries.  Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought?  We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them.  Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.”  What a miracle this is!

What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all!  I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly.  I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.

Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process.  I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life.  Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater!  But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways.  Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling.  Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.”  Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else.  If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought.  I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare.  My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it. 

Even so, I know better than to let my guard down.  If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program.  I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind:  “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”

I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time.  I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return.  I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful.  I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc.  The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits.  I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry.  I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body.  My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that. 

So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back.  When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point.  But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently.  There’s hope, hang in there!

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The annoyance of “by the skin of my teeth” and “close shave” successes

It’s been almost two months since my last post.  I’m guessing that lack of posting generally signifies one of two things:  either 1) great success at the moment (no impetus to post) or 2) lots of struggles at the moment (no desire to post).  I suppose there’s also an Option 3) extraordinarily busy (not enough interest to post to overcome time impediments).  Happily, I’m falling into the first category.  It’s almost scary to write this, as I know the dangers that befall a person when success is high — so too is the risk of complacency or freaking out into self-sabotage.  But indeed, I am experiencing a degree of recovery as never before, and God willing, I have every intention to keep that going.  Definitely not without challenges.  It amazes me, how long it can be since I ate certain foods, and I can still have thoughts about them.  But I deal with those thoughts with a perpetual, “Not for now.  But I can revisit my food list later, and maybe add them back then.”  How funny, the mind games we must play!

Of course, recovery encompasses — and is happening because of — so much more than just the food management, per se.  If anything, I can see how so many will say, the food management is almost more the byproduct of other actions and measures, rather than one of the tasks in itself.  I’m not sure that’s entirely true, but I will definitely concur that it’s because of all those “other things” that  I have made the strides that I have, and not because, say, I found the “perfect” food plan or am taking a particular “magic” supplement.

To say I’m grateful doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of my happiness with my recovery.  But there’s a nitpicky annoyance that has been with me all along, at least ever since I first began to pursue recovery from my eating disorder, lo so many years ago.  And that’s my perfectionist mind’s kneejerk rejection of those days in which success/abstinence is kept “by the skin of my teeth.”  Probably anyone who has worked on recovery from either compulsive overeating or some other eating issues knows what I’m talking about.  There are those days, thankfully, in which I am graced with an abstinence and fluidity of conduct that feels very solid, very natural, like a well-oiled machine.  I work my program, do what I need to do, and prepare and enjoy my meals with great ease and satisfaction.  Days like that feel like, “Yes, boy, have I made progress!”  Then there are days like yesterday, and into today.  Drove husband to the airport over the weekend for a business trip.  Woke up yesterday morning to a flat tire.  Stress-stress-stress.  I’ve never had to take my car in for repair; normally my husband gets the honors.  On top of that, it was an exceptionally busy work day.  I also had some very positive, exciting things happen to me, concerning my work and accolades from it.  In other words, a very, very intense and hectic day.  I knew such a day is just ripe for feeling triggered, and in the past it almost certainly would have culminated in a huge binge, to take the edge off my adrenaline.  But I worked the tools of my program more intensively than ever, and managed to emerge from the day unscathed — meals went as planned, my recovery and abstinence intact.  What a wonderful feeling of accomplishment that was.

But I also knew that today would be tough.  I had a much lighter schedule, would be working out of the house much of the day.  Dangerous, because this represents the “day after” a hyper-frenetic day like yesterday.  And living up to its promise, it was a tough day to stay on task.  I believe that the day will finish on a positive note — another abstinent day, and if it does, I expect tomorrow to be much easier, as I will not only be busy (as in, out of the house, away from isolating busy), but by then it will be two days removed from Monday’s unexpected twists and turns, which means probably things will calm down to their normal levels for me — “things” being my emotions, my body’s physiology, my focus, etc.  So I just need to get through dinner without picking up extra food.

So good news, assuming this all goes as planned.

But it annoys me.  It annoys me that today was as hard as it was to get through.  If I had a dime for every time I had a thought that involved the desire to eat “out of today’s box,” I’d be able to retire right now.  God willing if I make it to bed abstinent, it will not be a gracefully abstinent day; I will be abstinent “by the skin of my teeth.”  I don’t like this, even as I realize that this is simply the way life works.  Some days are effortless, some are effortful, some in between.  That’s progress, I suppose.  At one time, I would have had a meltdown for sure, dismissing a day like this as “inauthentic,” as if the fact that it involved shades of white-knuckling, means that it doesn’t “count,” that it’s not “real” recovery but just me proving that I can hold on for dear life under duress.

But I realize, even as I type this, that all that matters is that I remain abstinent.  For today, it doesn’t matter how “close” I came to eating out of order, it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a smooth sail.  All that matters is that I remain abstinent.  Sure, I can continue to work my program, work the steps, pray to my HP, work the tools, and hope that in so doing, I strengthen my recovery so that days like this aren’t as intensely challenging, or at least that the frequency is reduced, but I have to accept that there may continue to be days that surface such as this, which means in order to stay recovered, I just need the willingness to deal with the discomfort and accept that my abstinence “pearls” will not always be silky smooth or rock-solid, that they will sometimes look quite “messy” or feel rather choppy.  But I have to assume that it’s in dealing with these very days that I will make the greatest growth.  So I must embrace them the way I embrace those lovely, practically-on-autopilot abstinent days.

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Creating drama where there is none: Is that part of the addictive personality?

I know I’m not the first to report feeling a bit uneasy — fidgety — when things are going well.  There’s that sense of, well, what do I do with myself now?  Without a fire to put out, I can certainly funnel my energies into more constructive endeavors, but they don’t always have the same “pull” or urgency that, say, a terrible food hangover commands.  It’s sort of like when I have a big project, goal, or major event for which I’m working very hard.  There’s often a more clear-cut course of action that keeps me busy, allows me to get into that wonderful zone.  And when it’s over — when the curtain falls, as it were, I’m always left with a couple of days (at least) of a low-level depression, a sense of discombobulation, even a feeling of loss — even (or maybe especially?) if the event or goal was reached with great joy and excitement.  I feel temporarily adrift without a rudder or a sense of where I’m supposed to be going, and it’s often accompanied with a tinge of loneliness.

I think our news, and dare I say, our culture’s fixation on drama and the negative, further fuels this, even if the inclination is inside me already.  You can’t visit a news site without getting hit by headlines informing us of so-and-so’s marriage breaking up, so-and-so getting arrested for drunk driving, so-and-so being sent to rehab for the fifth time, etc.  Yet the majority of even the worst down-and-out situations no doubt have periods in between of recovery, turning their life around, making changes that are constructive to their happiness and that of their loved ones.  But of course, that’s boring.  Who really wants to read, “Three years later and so-and-so is still happily following her new way of eating, with just a 10-lb. weight adjustment”?

My point being, I’m finding myself in a strange place at the moment.  My recovery is going splendidly — I’m not afraid to write that anymore (I used to wonder if doing so would jinx it).  Sure, I still have my challenges; I think that’ll be the name of the game for the rest of my life.  But the change I have experienced over the last year and a half, but especially the last 3 or so months, is stunning.  It makes me wonder how I would feel if I had the chance to “visit” my headset of, say, even this past February or March.  Would I even recognize the thought process anymore?  I have optimism for the future, and yet a solid sense of being in the present, which keeps me from projecting and getting overwhelmed.  “Just take the next indicated action” and “Play the tape all the way through to the end” have been my two constant guides in my daily life, and the relief and progress this has brought has been astounding.

Nevertheless, there’s that uneasyness.  How do I recognize complacency?  When things are going well, it can be difficult to stay as vigilant, which means I must renew my commitment to my program even more vigorously.  At the same time, however, like all good habits, doesn’t there come a point in which at least SOME of that intensity can be released a bit?  I’m trying to strike that balance — the balance between keeping those activities in place that foster honesty and the actions that have given me the recovery I’m currently enjoying….and allowing myself to release some of the measures that I may not need as vigorously, so that I can now turn my attention toward greater life goals, such as growing my business and traveling more.

I think, more than anything, I’m slowly realizing and accepting that I don’t need drama, that life does not need to “wow” me on a constant basis.  So I don’t need to create drama in order to give myself a project.  I will continue to find enjoyment and satisfaction with the middle ground.  The middle ground, I’m learning, is NOT mediocrity, as I had feared.  On the contrary, there is a great deal of opportunity to take great pride and put out my best effort in everything I do.  It just so happens that what I’m doing is less dramatic, yet slowly but surely it brings amazing gifts to my life and to that of others.

So the lesson of the moment is….I can give up certain obvious behaviors and experience some important relief.  But the more gradual, almost intangible changes that are equally important are those slow, internal shifts in thinking.

Bottom line:  Enjoy the lack of drama when I’m lucky enough to be in such a state.  And yet as I transition into a more “sustaining the changes” phase (vs. “making the changes” phase), I need to be watchful for signs that I’m romanticizing the thought of having a fire to put out.  My mind can be rudderless sometimes, that’s okay, the feeling will pass if I just breathe through it.  The next indicated action — my next (more constructive) project will surface soon enough, when my HP wants to present it to me.

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What a recovery-centric vacation feels like: More than I could have imagined

There’s been a gap since my last post, and that gap was largely due to an energizing and relaxing vacation that we took at the end of July/beginning of August.  It was my first vacation since I’d made some major changes in my recovery several months ago, and not wanting to disrupt the progress I’ve made since then, I debated much about how best to orient my eating.  Vacations, as they often are for many of us (everyone, not just those with addiction problems), have frequently offered an opportunity to break out of my normal eating patterns and foods, though for the most part I have always still counted calories and monitored my eating closely even when on vacation.  In fact, contrary to the common m.o., I have often used my vacations as a way of IMPROVING my eating, of breaking bad habits and cleaning things up a bit, the hope being that I could then keep some of these improvements going upon my return.  And predictably, some of them do stick, while others slip by the wayside almost instantly.  Funny how the stresses of everyday life make it infinitely more challenging to follow through with certain eating habits that were near effortless in the carefree environment of a ski trip or Florida getaway!

Having said that, the last several years have brought a frustrating change to my vacations.  Inevitably, the trip would include at least one “horrible eating day.”  And what I mean by “horrible eating day,” I mean that switch would be flipped, I’d be off and running with allowing myself an eating binge, only to find that fulfilling that urge is much more difficult with the limited options and opportunities of the particular trip we’ve chosen.  You might think, how is that possible?  When do you find MORE indulgences at your instant access than on vacation?  Not for us.  We don’t do cruises, we generally don’t do over-the-top restaurants.  Heck, we don’t often eat out; much of our meals are either packed by us or prepared back at our hotel or lodge or cabin.  So for the most part, the options in terms of what’s available are very limited.  You might have a camp or hotel store, with just basic groceries.  Or little eateries such as a coffee shop or deli, or gift shops with those ubiquitous tins of “gourmet” cookies, bags of themed trail mixes, that kind of thing.  In other words, God help you if you decide to go on the prowl for a satiating eating splurge, you’re likely to find yourself having to construct some “meal” comprised of microwave popcorn, a handful of granola bars, an overpriced bag of saltwater taffy, and a can of smoked almonds.  At  least, that’s the kind of desperado I became.  Talk about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.  A bloated stomach, crushed self esteem, and not a drop of satiety to be found.  Now granted, that would usually be but one day out an otherwise wonderful trip.  But it would be enough to create a lasting memory stamp, and enough to send pangs of fear in me as this trip approached.

So…..I made the decision to shake things up.  Take an entirely different view of the trip, expectations of the eating, etc.  I decided that this trip should just be another week of my same eating.  I have evolved to a current roster of foods that is working extremely well for me right now, so why futz with that?  So I packed every single item that I’ve been eating very regularly, happily, and successfully (the ones that were perishable were purchased at a local grocery store upon our arrival), and made my peace with letting my menu remain exactly consistent with my “quotidian” life.  No special “travel” foods, not even the seemingly innocuous ones like snack pack cereals.  The plan would be that the vast majority of my meals would be prepared at the hotel and eaten on the same schedule as at home.  My husband, God bless him, was in full support of this, knowing the stability it would bring to our trip.  I did anticipate needing to make a possible exception or two — perhaps go out to eat once or twice.  But we discussed the strategy even for this, and decided that the safest bet would be to have me select more or less the exact same foods (or as close to them as possible) as those I was otherwise eating the rest of the time.

Boring?  Perhaps, a bit.  But that was kinda the point, I wanted to keep my food “quiet” so that the rest of the trip, all the wonderful sights, smells, and experiences, would be “loud.”  I knew that the moment I let the thought of deviating from my current habitual plan of eating, my brain would be off and running, and it’s all I would think about, what special treat would I find and allow myself.  That sets off a madness I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

What I hoped for was a sane trip.  What I didn’t know is the enormous PEACE this approach would bring.  Knowing that whatever food I encountered — and we were in a tourist-heavy vacation destination, the delectable delights were around every corner, I could dismiss it as not being on the list “for this particular trip,” allowed me to breathe, to even look and appreciate the food, even as I knew I would be coming nowhere near to touching it.  I could look forward to my oases — my own meals, sit down and enjoy them, then go back to living the trip.  WHAT a miracle this was.  I now have a template for how to orient future trips.  Another success on this path of healing.

And since I know you’re probably curious, not only did I not gain any weight on this trip, I came back a little bit leaner.  NOT the goal, in fact I was quite surprised, for even within the boundaries of this wonderful vacation-eating strategies, there were a couple of days that I had made the decision to prepare a larger meal than my norm.  But there you go, it just goes to show, don’t panic, do what your Higher Power would have you do, stay active, keep close to your program, and let yourself be curious about the outcome.  You just never know!

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Letting go of TV: The relief this is bringing

Right off the bat I need to clarify that I have not completely stopped watching TV.  But in recent months especially, I have finally made good on my desire to drastically cut down on my TV watching, and hope to keep this trend going.  TV, like excess food eaten compulsively, stopped “working” a long time ago, and in itself became this bizarre “no, that’s not quite it, <switch the channel>…no, that’s not it, either, <click>….etc.” addiction.  You know that image of the rat persisting in pushing the button to get the pellet, even though the pellet no longer comes out regularly, only once in a great, great, great while?  That’s pretty much the point I’d reached with TV.  I don’t know if the programming that’s on has shifted enough so that there’s just not a whole lot of options that interest me….or if it’s that I have changed enough that my mind just can’t get “sucked” into that “zone” when watching (maybe a little of both?), but I sometimes think my ED and TV habits fueled each other in a peculiar way, especially as both stopped working for me.  It’s like I’d get so frustrated that I couldn’t find anything to watch while eating (the two for me went hand in hand), that I would eat more…..and the more I found that excess food, even what I would call those “big ticket item” foods, didn’t succeed in putting me in that “zone,” the more I kept reverting back to the same stupid reruns or movies that I once found extremely gratifying to watch.  It was a horrible habit cycle to be caught up in, especially since I stopped being able to experience that temporary satiety I was so desperately seeking.

So a few months ago I finally said “Enough!” with TV.  Watching TV during the day has not even been a temptation for years — too busy with work — so no issues there.  But where I’m vulnerable is in preparing my evening meal, watching TV while eating dinner, and then keeping that drone of the TV on as “background amusement” for the rest of the evening.  I remain eternally grateful that we agreed to not have a TV in the bedroom, so thank God once we’re in bed there’s full sanctuary from TV there.  But those evening hours were a problem, for many reasons.

Initially, I simply unplugged the kitchen TV and set it down on the floor.  Easy enough.  I then brought a portable radio/CD player in the kitchen, and used it for mealtime (I still like to have some music or talking at that time, at least most of the time).  If I found a good podcast, I’d pull my computer into the kitchen and listen to that during the meal prep and dinner.  I also began to try timing dinner so that both my husband and I could at least spend part of that time together.  Our work schedules, unfortunately, often leave us having to eat separately, so rearranging things so that at least 3-4 times a week we have that dinner time together has certainly helped.  Amazing how enjoyable it is when you can actually talk to someone during the meal — DUH!

The change in me just from this one action has been profound.  I think the landscape of TV has a more powerful influence on my thinking than I like to admit.  I mean, I’ve always been only too aware of the bombardment of images that create a “beauty ideal” against which I can’t possibly compete (because they’re not real, in the sense that these images are created with the help of lighting, makeup artists, hours spent on hair, post-production magic, etc.).  And as you can probably sense just from the tone of my description, I’ve also been extremely vocal about it.  I think my favorite is when you watch a TV commercial for some outlandishly rich food, and you have a woman who looks like a runway model, popping the item into her mouth with this carefree smile, followed by a facial expression typically only produced, say, when you’re receiving a delightful neck rub.  So NOT reality, and yet there must be some part of me that absorbs that message and uses it as a weapon against my better judgment!  But I think there are many other, more insidious, effects from watching TV.  I don’t even know where to start with them, partly because I think there are so many, partly because I probably can’t fully comprehand them all.  All I know is, without TV, I swear it’s like I can feel my mind “breathing,” as though somehow having TV is like having to breathe in a smoke-filled room.  You can do it, and maybe from time to time you get a reprieve by stepping outside or sticking your head out the window (and even then you’re still stuck with the particulates in your lungs from breathing in that smoke), but there’s this sutle suppression, even suffocation that keeps you from really feeling the health of a full breath.  Yet if you get out of town and spend a week outside in fresh air, you feel your breath just opening up, and even the air looks clearer.  This is my best description of how I feel without TV.

Now, I’m still working on striking a balance.  From time to time, I have gone ahead and “tested the waters” — turned on a favorite TV show (typically one that’s been recorded) and let it play during dinner, especially on days when I get home quite late and feel that need for “brain candy decompression.”  But most of the time, I end up turning it off halfway through, as it’s just not doing the trick at all.  I think the more I stay on this path, the more I will move from even needing to think about turning to TV — if that’s what I want (right now it is).

As for after dinner, I don’t really watch TV anymore, but I can’t impose this on my husband, who still enjoys a few select shows and the occasional Netflix instant download.  So for the most part, I simply turn my attention to something else while TV is on.  I do sometimes ask him if he wouldn’t mind our not having TV on at all, and he’s been extremely gracious in obliging me when I ask.  If he really did want to watch something, of course I would let it go, but I think much of the post-dinner TV is just another habit, which is why he has no problem turning it off.  And truth be told, sometimes it’s nice to pop in a favorite DVD and let it play while we work on our evening activities.  There are a couple of travelogues that we both love, and have seen so many times we could lip-synch the presenter’s commentaries, but for some reason, we still enjoy having them on.  I’m not worrying about that — this is an experiment to improve the quality of our lives, not to get a “perfect report card” for “no TV watching”!

I hope to keep going with this.  Knowing how furiously addicted I was to “those same shows and movies” for so long, it’s required some creativity to find other outlets, more gratifying outlets, to take the place of TV.  But I think I can continue to build on this.  The thing that’s helping me is realizing that these reruns are the past.  The past is done.  If I want to continue to move forward with my life, to become whoever it is I’m becoming, I have to let go of the past, which includes clinging to the same shows that have long since expired for me.  I have to trust that I will continue to find new sources of amusement, and that they are not likely to be TV but something else.  It’s actually exciting, like a whole new adventure of discovery!

And best of all, no crummy commercials to have to fast-forward through!

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“Eureka, it works!” Finding new ways to rechannel “binge” energy into other activities instead

If you’re suffering from binge-eating or compulsive overeating, I feel obligated to post this for you, now that I’m genuinely experiencing what I’m about to describe.  I know how MANY times I used to honestly wonder how I could possibly find alternatives to bingeing, when no matter what I tried, it seemed the pressure-cooker would build, until finally I felt like I had no choice, I had to release that pent-up emotional energy somehow!  And truthfully?  I probably would have kept going, albeit with the incremental improvements I was still making in certain aspects of the behavior (sometimes so incremental I think you’d have needed an electron microscope to detect them), had it not been for one nagging development:  it stopped working!!!  No matter what I did, I could not jump back into that “zone” of escape.  DRAT if I remained stubbornly in the same emotional state I was trying to temporarily migrate out of, only now I’m eating all these calories and absolutely miserable knowing the damage this would render only hours later.  The worst of both worlds!

So you could say the final straw was this loss of being able to do the presto-switcho.  Suddenly there was no point.  And of course, I tried this a few times before I had to conclude the frustrating (looking back life-saving) reality:  My. Eating. Addiction. Had. Expired.  Never saw it coming.

In any event, that’s when I began to take seriously the plan of finding out avenues for stress release, and measures that would reduce the build-up of that stress in the first place, and put them to action.  I had no idea if they would work, but I gave them a try with the assumption and hope that they would.  My attitude was, “What could it hurt?  It has to help somehow.”

And now, with a period of time under my belt and a sense of growing perspective, I can honestly say YES, they WORK!  I think much of it comes down to, you have to be honestly ready to want to stop the behavior.  I “wanted” to stop the behavior for many years, but deep down I think what I really wanted was to stop WANTING to do the behavior.  Meaning, I wanted to stop FEELING TRIGGERED.  But of course, that’s wishful thinking.  Extinguishing triggers, at least for me, has been a process, not a “one day I woke up and they were gone!” phenomenon.  So it turns out, what I needed was to reach that willingness to face a life without bingeing or compulsive overeating, and all the fears and panic and grieving that came with it, before I could then even think about truly reconstructing a life without it.

In any event, I don’t want to tangent too far, other than to say, if you’re reading those self-help books or going to a therapist about cognitive-behavioral type strategies, namely those that include finding alternative rewards or stress-releasing activities as a way to displace your bingeing, I’m here to give you hope that it can help you.  Hang in there, it’s better than I ever imagined!

Since example often gives better clarity than the general, let me share some of the activities I’m currently finding particularly soothing — ones that honestly I look forward to way more than the idea of compulsive eating:

• Taking a long, warm, leisurely shower, with fragrant soaps and shampoos, closing my eyes and feeling the water flowing over my body.
• Doing stretches on my back while listening to a favorite podcast.
• Doing yoga in my exercise room, in front of an open window.
• Taking a short walk, not in the “fitness” sense, more in a leisure mindset.
• Making a cup of my favorite tea (by the way, for those times I have eaten too much — yes, they still happen, just nothing like it was — I have found great success in curtailing my eating by taking a “tea break” in the middle of the meal).
• Setting the coffee maker on timer, and putting my favorite inspirational book on the kitchen table the night before, so I have my coffee and morning literature ready to go for when I wake up.
• Doing crossword puzzles and other mind games.
• Wearing my headset when I grocery shop, zoning out to music or a podcast.
• Listening to music or the radio while taking a long, relaxed time to prepare our meals.
• Wearing nice clothes that feel good on me.
• Stopping and taking some deep breaths, looking outside or around wherever I’m at.
• Making the bed and tidying up the house, not in a punishing, “must get this done” way, but in an, “It’s so nice to be in a clean environment” way.

The list goes on, but you get the idea.  These things may do nothing for you, but they’ve proven their value beyond my wildest dreams for me.

Now I realize that eternal vigilance is the game here; I can’t think I’m “done” and can coast from here on out.  For starters, I’m still progressing, and experimenting to determine what’s helpful and what isn’t at the moment.  I have to know this isn’t the end of the story, but I’m actually excited — curious — to see what’s going to happen next!

Bottom line:  it’s wonderful to see that some measures — the very ones that I avoided for years because they struck me as too simple or somehow I just “knew” they would never work (somewhere I’m sure I had tried a few, half-heartedly, no doubt “proving” to myself of their futility) — REALLY DO WORK if you work them!

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The frightening caloric total, how did my body ever handle it?

Just out of curiosity, as I wrote in my journal today, I fished my memory to the best of my abilities and wrote in gory detail a list of the foods I’d typically consume when choosing to succumb to what I used to call a “Junk Food Binge.”  That was my code for anything goes, no food is off the potential list, no attempt to observe or even define certain boundaries (funny how when removing any boundaries always seems to lead to junk food and not, say, “the all-melon binge” or the “any flavor of kefir I want binge”).  I’ve always been aware of the staggering calories I must have consumed, as I still count calories to this day as part of my food plan.  In fact, counting calories is so second-nature to me, by now it’s actually more comforting TO count calories than to try to eat without having that automatic awareness be part of my selection.  Yet, it seems part of my bingeing was rooted in the need to say to heck with rules, and I kept myself mostly ignorant on how much I was actually consuming during these episodes.  “More than 3000” is about as far as I wanted to think about it.  Until today.  Yow.

I’m seriously frightened by what the sum total must have been at my worst.  My poor body, when I think of the load I caused to so many of my organs and systems, it breaks my heart and makes me sick.  At the same time, I don’t know how my body managed to handle it without the degree of weight gain you would have expected.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very active, have always been involved wth athletics and have always been vigilant about jumping back into serious clean eating following a binge.  Even so, surely these measures alone could not have negated the mass ingestion, at least that’s how it seems in hindsight.  I mean, my weight is pretty much the same as it was back in those days, and I can promise you, my net totals over a typical week or a typical month are nowhere near as high.  I exercise pretty much the same, so no change there.  How do I explain the disparity?

I can only speculate, and even then there’s really no point, just an interesting thing to ponder.  Does the body actually hit a point in which it simply can’t absorb more than “X” calories over a given period of time, so once I crossed “X” I couldn’t absorb any more?  Was I simply given the grace of a normal-weight body until I was ready to take action for my recovery?  Was I in fact still exercising more, and doing more restricting on my regular food days than I’m remembering?

Yet another reason why I’m so grateful to be at the point I’m at in my recovery.  I can only pray that I always remember how horrible, awful, panicked, miserable, depressed I was during that time.  How many times did I write the words, “So SCARED!” in my food journal.  How many times did I lay in bed, so sick to my stomach after ravaging it all night with sugar, fat and carbs, that the sound of my poor stomach wimpering (at least, that’s what it sounded like to me) made me cry?

Of course, on a lighter note, it’s still depressing, seeing how quickly those calories can STILL add up.  Anyone check the label on a can of nuts or a bag of trail mix?  Ouch!  Not fair.

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The use (or not) of the term “abstinence”

So I’m continuing an experiment, one that I’d begun a number of weeks back.  Made some changes in my lifestyle, my eating, etc.  It’s been a great journey so far, one that I will continue to recommit to, one that has brought forth some incredible results even as there have also been some challenges and bumps along the way.  Lots of emotions coming up, and the sobering realization that while certain changes do become easier over time, certain vulnerabilites will probably always be part of my makeup.  I actually feel a certain comfort in acknowledging that — it allows me to let go of this fantasy of effortless balance, and to know that a huge part of my long-term success lies in learning how to deal with those times of struggle, rather than think the goal is to eliminate those feelings.

In any event, the success of the last month or so has only further illuminated a stance I have been increasingly veering toward.  That stance is on the subject of abstinence, or at least, the word “abstinence,” with regard to overcoming compulsive overeating.  My involvement with a 12-step program of the past year, while amazing, transformative, life-changing in so many ways….has also challenged me, prompted much inner conflict in deciphering how I define and measure recovery for myself.  Not suprisingly — I say this because it seems this is a hot-button subject for many people, much of this inner conflict has to do with the use of the term “abstinence.”  So often I hear speakers talking about it, often expounding at least enough so as to share how they define their own abstinence.  Even knowing this is a program that is as individual as a snowflake, it’s tough to not hear some of this criteria, be it “I don’t eat sugar” or “I eat three meals a day, nothing in between, no exceptions” or even “I don’t binge…ever” and somehow ponder such a statement against my own eating plan.  Inevitably, questions arise.  Should I be adopting this for myself?  Is it truly possible this person can possibly have eaten exactly this way 100% of the time for the last 18 years?  If I saw what this person looks like (I often listen to speakers via podcast) or if I could follow this person in his or her day-to-day life, would I truly want the kind of abstinence they profess to have?  Am I hearing their words but interpreting them to a paradigm of living that is neither necessary nor achieveable for myself and my goals, and maybe not even accurate to their story, either?

I understand the potential need for such a term.  I do. Especially given that 12-step programs, for the most part, spring forth from the original wellspring of Alcoholics Anonymous.  With AA being modeled on the concept of total abstinence from alcohol, and that there is no “moderate drinking” in AA, it’s understandable that other 12-step programs would seek a way to determine the parallel of that model for themselves.  And I realize that in order to recover from destructive behavior, one way or another, a person needs some kind of definable boundaries to know whether or not he or she is meeting that objective.

The problem I have had all along….and I’m sad to say, still haven’t been able to reconcile….is that I just don’t see how I can possibly boil it down to such simple, cut-and-dried terms on the subject of food and eating.  For starters, life is not so simple.  If I say I won’t eat sugar, all that does is shift my mind to obsessing about what that means.  Does that mean absolutely nothing with sugar in it?  Does that mean nothing with high-fructose corn syrup?  Or is it only certain “sugar items” such as cake?  Or what about the “No bingeing” as my abstinence?  I find that problematic, because to me, any excessively large meal is technically (in my eyes) a binge.  I define a binge as anytime I eat extra food, or amounts that I could not sustain and still maintain my weight.  So to say I won’t binge basically (again, for me) means I will never overeat, and I just don’t think that’s realistic.

But perhaps most important of all is that I think the notion of abstinence takes my mind away from the real goal, the true end result, and that’s a balanced life, a reasonably balanced mind, and a body that’s within my optimal weight range.  I could follow a self-imposed abstinence to the letter and still completely come up short in any or all three of those items.  More over, while I am more than ready, willing and able to go through extra lengths to ensure I’m able to adhere to my food plan and exercise schedule, including those times we’re traveling or socializing, in recent years it’s become apparent that even if 99% of the time I am able to stick to the plan, there are those 1% instances in which it’s just not possible to put my foot down in accordance with this self-imposed boundary.  For example, we were recently invited at the last second to a dear friend’s house for dinner, and said friend is an empassioned cook.  Yes, yes, I’m a veteran of, “Oh, can I bring a salad for all to enjoy?”  But you know what, sometimes no matter how much you try to be gracious, to make such a suggestion would be rude.  It would.  Or maybe it wouldn’t be rude, but my insistence on eating my vinegared lettuce while everyone else is dining on a meal the host painstakingly prepared over two days’ time…..does change the dynamic.  People won’t relate as much to me, fair or not.  To say nothing for the fact that, frankly, I don’t want to call attention to myself and my eating in that way.  Because inevitably, people look at the person shunning the decadent stuff and immediately glance at the person’s weight, as if to assess the efficacy of such a rigid eating structure.  I don’t need that kind of pressure or scrutiny!  But the bottom line is, at least for certain very close-knit friends, I’m just not interested in alienating myself just so that I can pat myself on the back for finding an “abstinent” solution.

Understand, I am NOT challenging anyone else’s use of abstinence as a tool.  If using the term and defining it very specifically for yourself works, please do so.  I’m simply coming to accept that this is one aspect of my program in which I personally will have to depart in philosophy and approach, at least for now.

For me, I don’t want a “perfect report card.”  To me, the “perfect report card” is nothing but a booby prize if my weight didn’t stay where I’m comfortable with it and all I did was take the part of my brain that could have been used for something far more constructive to humanity, and obsess over orienting my eating to keep that absolute perfection going.  And I can’t reconcile the notion of committing to “abstinence,” if at some future point, that definition can be revisited and changed.  What’s the point?  I’d personally feel disingenuous to say I’ve had X years of abstinence, if to break it down you then discover that there’s been no constant in that abstinence.  To me, it renders the term meaningless.

Instead, I’m finding better success in staying connected to my big picture goal, and letting that be my guiding beacon as to how my eating is duly oriented.  I’m preferring to develop the maturity that allows the possibility of having to make an exception every once in a while, without it derailing me.  I find that it all comes down to remaining wholly honest with myself.  Is what I’m currently doing compatable with keeping my recovery moving forward?  Have I gained weight?  Am I becoming sloppy in my eating?  These are the hard questions I need to stay on top of.

Now, does this mean I don’t have a food plan, and a very clearly defined one at that?  Absolutely not!  I weigh, I measure, I count calories, I have a list of foods that are the building blocks of my menus, and that list gets updated more or less on a weekly basis.  Some weeks certain items get removed, others get put on it.  And there are foods I do avoid.  Lots, in fact.  I try to stick with the vast majority of my current foods being my “safe” foods.  I’m staying on top of my weight, my energy levels, my cravings, etc., and I’m finding this infinitely more constructive than obsessing over whether I could pinpoint an official abstinence criteria based on my following this format.

Is it possible that this is, indeed, a form of abstinence, and my steering clear of the actual word is just an exercise in symantics?  Could be.  Just last night, I had a few treats that are outside of my normal food plan (as in, they’re not normally part of my regular “clean eating” days, but they’re on the periphery of my current list).  When I shopped at the store for them, I was tempted to buy something else — a food that I had recently put on my “not eating this for now” list.  But part of the way I work my recovery is that I try not to make any impulsive decisions, and in order to allow a certain food to be eaten, I have to have predetermined whether or not it’s part of my current repertoire.  So….I stuck to my current criteria and held onto my current bottom line.  One could argue that this IS a form of abstinence.  The distinction I would make is that these micro-adjustments, for as deliberate and carefully pondered as they are, occur quite frequently, too frequently for me to feel comfortable umbrella-ing them all under one, unbroken “abstinence.”  It just makes more sense to aim for the best case scenario each day, but in the final analysis, keep the ultimate focus on having good weeks, good months, and staying gruelingly honest with myself at all times.  THAT, for me, is the definition of sustainable recovery for myself.

Just something I needed to write out and acknowledge.  It’s official, the “a” word is not likely to be a part of my recovery vocabulary, and so far that’s working out just fine.

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12-step Milestone and Other Updates

Wow, once again, I’m stunned at the amount of time that has lapsed since my last post.  For those of you who blog, have you ever looked back and read a previous post and almost don’t recognize your own words?  I’m feeling that way.  Pretty amazing when I think of all that has taken place since last September.  How do I even begin to update?

So I won’t try to cover it all, but I do want to review and look ahead.  First of all, I’m happy to acknowledge that I crossed my one-year milestone with my 12-step fellowship.  That happened about 2 months ago, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  The growth I have experienced this past year is head-spinning.  I’m much less selfish, yet I’m more diligent about self-care (my latest being long, refreshing showers, using lovely, fragrant, hand-milled soaps).  I get far less overwhelmed, instead have learned to simply perform the next indicated action.  I’m less fearful, largely because I now check it out, i.e. when I’m feeling a fear, ask myself, just what is it that I’m afraid of?  And then?  And what does that mean?  Those kind of extended questions.  And 9 times out of 10, I realize the fear is illusional.  And for those times I actually declare the fear to be justified, I allow myself to feel it, then do whatever it is I need to do anyway.  I feel my emotions more.  This has been both a freeing yet challenging development for me.  I’m now connecting with the emotions I used to eat to stifle, yet of course now this means I’m often navigating a roller coaster throughout the day.  I’m learning how to deal with this more constructively.  I enjoy better relations with my husband, friends and family.  I’m setting more boundaries — lovingly — for myself for those aspects of my family dynamic that are potentially hurtful to me, while at the same time more fully appreciating all the gifts my family has given and continues to give to me.  I’m far more effective in my work, have come a long way in devoting myself to being of service and to make others’ lives better as a result of my actions.  My self-esteem is soaring, I’m keeping a much tidier and orderly house, and I’m connecting far more to my spirituality, in a way that’s meaningful to me.  And it goes on and on.

The one element that remains is the original element, and that’s my Achilles heel, my eating.  It has, unquestionably, improved dramatically.  To compare how I ate six months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, etc…..I won’t say there’s no comparison, because it was already quite good in many respects.  But it has still improved.  Compulsive eating has gone down; whatever I eat, the majority of the time it’s been planned.  And the kinds of foods I eat have changed; whereas at one time I “needed” to include certain treat foods on a fairly regular basis — almost never eating them within an amount I would have preferred, the frequency keeps going down, and in recent times, has been so seldom that the few occasions I’ve chosen to eat these particular foods, I have found myself woefully disappointed.  They just don’t have the allure/thrill they used to possess for me.  Which actually has irritated me on some level.  I’m looking for a Big Bang with them, and when I’m not getting it, I end up eating more in an attempt to make it happen.  You know how successful THAT has been.  Not.

But the most startling development of all came very recently.  I mentioned that compulsive eating had gone down, but it — specifically bingeing — has not been abolished completely.  I have recently drawn the conclusion that no matter HOW much I heal, grow or resolve in these other areas of my life, I will be left with this urge, this vulnerability.  Maybe some people find they just naturally lose the inclination, but that hasn’t been my experience.  With as much positive change that has taken place in me over this last year, I can only assume that the only way for me to be free of the binge behavior is to make the deliberate decision to not do it.  I have to accept that there will be discomfort involved, and though I can hope that the discomfort and cravings will subside over time, it’s possible it won’t diminish as much as I’d like.  Basically, I’m accepting that the only “thing” that’s going to keep me eating sanely and my body at my optimal weight over the long haul…..is me.  Everything else has been taken care of, at least within reason (obviously there is always additional growth, personal evolution, healing….but whatever it is that might have been part  of the fuel behind my ED, I believe is more or less resolved).  All that’s left is the final step.

Mind you, it’s taken me a while to reach the willingness to acknowledge this possibility, let alone accept it.  As with all tough hurdles, merely knowing what you need to do isn’t enough; you have to really want the benefits of taking that action — which includes dealing with the pain/difficulty of making that change, more than the “benefits” of staying put.  I’ve been steadily trying out various ways to put this awareness into motion, but seemed a bit stalled out at a certain plateau.  Until recently.  What happened is something I can’t explain and is now helping me see how it’s possible that so many speakers (I listen to 12 step speakers via podcasts tell their stories of recovery) speak of this seemingly mysterious, almost overnight, leap into willingness.

What happened is, my switch appears broken.  If anyone here is either bulimic or a compusive overeater, you know the switch I’m talking about.  The switch that gets flipped when you’ve decided to open the flood gates and let yourself splurge away.  I think one of the reasons I had been able to (mostly) let go of certain foods in recent times, is because even with less “glamorous” choices (I know you’re probably wondering what, so okay, like, apples with peanut butter spread on them, or high-fiber breakfast cereals, or protein bars, or whole grain pancake mix, etc.), I could still escape into the occasional binge to let off steam — to flip the switch and zone out, then deal with (hopefully) a less severe aftermath than the days my binges were on “big ticket” items such as cake, cookies, etc.   To be honest, I’m not convinced there’s much difference between the two “species” of binges, at least in terms of after-effect.  It’s bad regardless of what kinds of foods I ate, though maybe it’s been too long since the days of day-long junk food sprees to truly remember how bad it can be.

Anyway, so I’d watched myself make all these distinct and exciting changes from within, and while these eating episodes remained the stubborn holdout, I did still see differences there, too, INCLUDING the willingness to make the above substitutions.  Not wanting to oversell it, I still deemed it progress.  Hey, we all want to be rid of the behavior right away, but I’m now appreciating how it often happens on a time frame quite different from the one I may have envisioned.  I can’t help but muse about the possibility that the willingness to start setting boundaries even within what I choose to binge on….was the start of my mind’s process of teasing the behavior from my grip (or vice versa?).  But still, I can’t deny I continued to struggle, and far too often.

Again, until recently, when I had quite the shot in the arm:  I couldn’t flip the switch!!!  We had gone out to dinner with some friends, and although it went well, I pretty much knew even beforehand that I’d likely be using the evening as an excuse to splurge — both during but especially after the visit, once my husband and I were back at home.  I knew I was rationalizing but I didn’t care.  And as expected, we went to the store on the way home, picked up some treats, and came home.  The weather was great, the music that was playing on the radio made for a nice ambience, the visit had gone well….the stage was set for the “perfect” kick-up-the-heels-and-relax-and-eat-eat-eat Saturday night.  How many of these have I experienced over the years.

Yet, much to my chagrin, for the first time that I can remember…..DAMN it, my mind wouldn’t make the switch!  It was awful; rather than zone out, ignoring the number of calories I must be taking in with every passing second, I remained fully cognizant, unable to lose myself in whatever TV show we’d tuned into and fully aware of what I’d be feeling just one hour later, never mind the uncomfortable sleep and awful aftermath I’d have to deal with the next day.  Nothing I tried help me to cross that invisible line.  Of course it didn’t; up until now, this crossover had happened automatically, no conscious effort, just part of the whole binge cycle.  WTF???

That was several weeks ago; I’ve had another eating episode or two since, and with the same experience — no ability to flip the switch.  And those subsequent eating episodes weren’t even with “exciting” foods, just large servings of the foods that are already part of my food plan.  Talk about a pointless endeavor!  So great.  I get to experience the physical distress, the frantic scrambling to snap back to clean eating and keep my weight down in spite of the calorie spike…but I miss out on the very “escape” I’m seeking by putting excess food in my body in the first place.  If that isn’t the very picture of “Done,” I don’t know what is.  It’s time to face the scary yet exciting reality:  Relief doesn’t live “here” anymore.

So….I’m on a slightly different path since this has all come about.  I won’t elaborate on the details — they’re very personal and everything is still too early/tentative to know what’s going to stick and I don’t want to jinx this undertaking by making too specific a declaration, anyway.  But suffice it to say, this is brand-new territory for me, yet another fork in the road that is coming on the heels of so many other (wonderful) forks before it.

So what’s my point in even logging this?  Well partly for my own record.  I want to be able to look back and remember this turning point, as no matter what it’s an interesting development regardless of what happens from here.  But secondly, it’s my hope that those of you who might be struggling, can see that indeed, over time, change can and does happen.  I’m here to tell you, it takes a lot of hard work and it’s sometimes so slow, its almost imperceptable, and it’s scary and frustrating at times because it doesn’t follow your mind’s blueprints and because you don’t know the outcome.  But I hope this little account and update helps illuminate that these little milestones of progress add up!

We shall see.  Or as the saying goes, more shall be revealed.

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More on How It Happened (my recent journey into 12 steps)

Somewhat a continuation of yesterday’s (June 1) post.  So read that for reference if you haven’t already.

What a curious and unforseen journey this is shaping up to be.  Before I elaborate on what has happened, what led to this new leaf, I should probably mention what (apparently) precipitated it.  These things can be hard to pinpoint in one neat and tidy explanation; really, how do I KNOW what prompted me to suddenly seek out a bunch of podcasts of a certain 12-step program?  And what then prompted me to quietly begin considering how I might apply those principles to my own life, and to then test the waters?  I doubt I’ll ever fully know.  But that seems to be part of the appeal for me.  I don’t really have to know such answers, at least in terms of getting better.  The solution remains the same regardless.  What a relief!  How freeing!

But for the sake of story telling, and assuming there’s still some value in self-knowledge, I’ll give some specifics.  I had been finding that the more “living” I’ve been doing, the more I’ve been putting myself out there, pushing past my comfort zone and embarking on more and more extensive adventures…..the more I found that my current m.o. with my eating was no longer “good enough.”  It’s interesting to note that certain behaviors of mine, particularly unplanned overeating (as opposed to, say, a planned and greatly anticipated upcoming Friday night pizza splurge), can be seemingly benign and unobtrusive as long as life is relatively small (and, admittedly, all the more so since these deviations were generally sporadic enough so as to not really affect my weight).  I admit that, in the spirit of “the path of least resistence” or “do only the bare minimum,” I allowed certain insane behaviors to remain in place, unchallenged, due to these very reasons.  But as my life became bigger, as I pushed and continued experiencing more and more growth…..darn it if I found that these behaviors were beginning to impede on my life, in a way that was unacceptable to me.  And on top of that, I’ve been finding myself increasingly…..protective….caring….about my body.  I guess I finally opened my eyes to the awfulness of the effects of this behavior, the turmoil it causes my body even if relatively “mild” (in comparison to what it had been in the past, what it “could” be) and temporary.  It increasingly broke my heart to see my body go through the aftermath, like a wounded beloved pet or other helpless animal.  So the desire to change, I believe, really and truly came from this groundswell within; it really had little to do with “weight” per se, more a genuine desire to be able to live life freely no matter how “big” it gets, and to take as good a care as I can to this wonderful and cherished body I have been entrusted with.

But what prompted actual action was an upcoming trip.  This was to be a high-action trip, one for which there would be no room for “error,” in that I could NOT imagine experiencing the trip with any distraction from my eating.  Just the mere thought of harming the experience through such pointless behavior caused my chest to constrict.  I knew that I had to “get clean” for the trip and have a plan in place to somehow suspend my behaviors and have healthy ones in their place, be they temporary or the start of something long-term.

I had already made some internal shifts, I believe, when I began listening to the podcasts.  But without a doubt, listening to the speakers struck a huge chord with me.  I found myself letting go of preconceived ideas, found myself feeling the excitement that comes with approaching something with an open mind, something I thought I was good at but soon concluded that I definitely was less practiced at this than I had originally believed.  But now I found myself, for the first time that I can ever remember, confronting the fears and anxieties and other such reactions with a, “Well take a deep breath and….why not?  Don’t panic, just listen and see what happens.”  And that was the turning point.  What could I lose?  Why not consider some new, uncharted territory?  I felt secure enough with where I’ve brought myself to believe that if I really felt the need to retreat, I could put myself back on my own track and go on my merry way.  But somehow I sensed that this made sense, that this was and is the right step for myself.

And I can only say, something magical happened.  Something switched inside me.  I’m going to skip past a couple of weeks, though I will say the trip was AWESOME.  Truly life-changing, and in so many ways and I know much of it had to do with the shift I’d made in the period leading up to it and the trip itself.  I knew something was happening just by the fact that I kept it to myself until after we’d returned from the trip.  Normally, I tell my husband EVERYTHING, but this time I really felt the need to stay private about it, let this internal journey be mine, at least until I knew whether this was really going somewhere.

Anyway, but aside from the amazing trip that resulted, I believe, largely from this internal shift, something astonishing happened upon our return that REALLY illuminated my internal change.  Ordinarily, upon returning from a trip, it’s not unusual for me to indulge myself foods/treats that I was unable to access on the trip.  Since eating cleanly on a trip is nothing new to me — it’s my normal mode, as I like to keep things simple in that regard, it’s not unusual to have a rather mono-food diet while traveling, which I actually enjoy as it forces me to extract pleasure from foods I normally overlook when I have access to more varieity.  But it still means I miss certain foods, and I have found it’s simply easiest to allow one indulgent dinner/evening following my return, get it “out of my system,” and voila, I’m back on track.  And although this trip brought forth certain changes that were new for me, overall my eating on this trip was probably not so very different from my normal “clean travel diet,” which meant I once again anticipated my upcoming “treat night” upon our return.

And although we were returning on a Sunday, I did not want to make Sunday night Treat Night as I hate starting off my Monday/week with a foggy head and bloaty digestion.  But looking at my calendar, I noticed that Tuesday would be a mostly work-out-of-the-house day.  Perfect, I thought, I’ll allow my Treat Night for Monday.

So here’s the astonishing part.  I woke up Monday morning, got dressed and ready for work.  Yet….I found myself strangely undesiring of having any treats that day.  Understand, once I make such a decision, normally that’s it, there’s no revisiting it, and I must admit I spend much of my day thinking about the goodies I will be indulging myself that evening.  So for me to have even one second thought is unheard of.  Yet here I was, going about my day, not wanting to follow through with it.  The reason?  Not because of the anticipated digestion/foggy head woes, but because I had had such an amazing trip….I didn’t want to end the afterglow just yet.  I knew that the moment I truly gave in to allowing this treat night, my mind would cease all thoughts of the trip and go back to its “pre trip” orientation.  I couldn’t bear the thought.  Maybe later, I thought.  But…..not today.  So I made the decision to hold off.  Yes, I did.  And I nearly cried, it’s like I could feel my body smiling at the joy of knowing it would not be inundated with food it did not need, food that would offer nothing nutritionally.  Talk about a change!

So that in itself was its own reward; arriving home from work, cooking up a delicious, wholesome, and modest meal, and savoring it and the feeling of going to bed comfortable, and of course of waking up comfortable.  I literally danced around happily!

BUT this wasn’t the only gift.  For this decision of mine was even more fortuitous than I initially realized.  A couple hours into the day, I got a call from a close friend, in urgent need of going out for coffee to talk — highly unusual as most of us in my social circle are busy enough that such spontaneous get-togethers are rare.  But I said “of course” and we met up.  Turns out my friend was experiencing a huge personal crisis and needed the support of someone who cares, and chose me to be that someone.  And here I was, stepping to the plate and able to be there for my friend.  I can assure you, had I followed through with my original Treat Night plan, I would NOT have been able to be so supportive, so fully present with all of my being.  I might not even have agreed to go, might have come up with a “legitimate” excuse for why I could not.  I shudder to think of this, but I also can’t help but think….was there some Higher Power in effect, steering me?  How else do you explain the series of events?  At the very least, I feel as though some form of divine intervention was in play.

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