A great week!

My last entry was a sort of condensed “Where am I now” update, badly needed as there was a huge time gap since my last post.  I won’t rehash it, obviously, but I wanted to post and update since that update.  In last week’s post, I’d mentioned that there appears to be a new path unfolding for me with regard to my recovery, and although I didn’t elaborate on it in detail (and I’m still refraining from doing so, sorry), I want to give a little follow up on how this past week has gone on this seemingly new path.

The answer is, so far, so good!  I’m feeling an irrefutable groundswell of change happening, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time to be in this place.  Basically, I’m in the process of letting go of certain habits — both those that are simply outright destructive and those that either enable the destructive habits, or just have reached the point in which they’ve run their course, they’re no longer particularly useful, and it’s time I move on from them.  Altogether, it’s putting me in a very strange place, mentally.  I feel a bit like a trapeze artist, who has relinquished her grip from one trapeze, and is now suspended mid-air until I can grab hold of the next trapeze that swings my way.  But I’m not fighting this.  I know that this is just where I need to be until new habits get formed.  Truthfully, I’m already feeling a shift even from a week ago.  I’m also welcoming whatever anxiety or urges or annoyances I’m confronting, it’s empowering to feel them and realize I don’t have to turn to certain behaviors even when they hit!  “Bring it on!”  The other side effect this is having is….I feel a little spacey.  I’ve often joked that I seem to have my best presentations, speeches, conversations, etc. when I’m having a bad day, or something majorly wrong has happened that day.  My theory is that there’s a part of my brain that is momentarily staying “occupied” by the bad stuff, liberating the part of my brain that focuses and connects with just the right communication processes.  Well right now it’s the opposite; I’m having a hard time articulating my thoughts, my phone calls are awkward, I seem easily distracted, etc.  This is very irritating and unnerving as I have always prided myself with my ability to communicate well, my wit, etc., and to come away from any of my exchanges with another person feeling good about how it went.  Not so at the moment.  But I’m assuming that, too, will get better over time, as my brain learns to function in the absence of certain habits and as I forge new ones.  But it’s interesting to observe!

So….we’ll see how this week unfolds.

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12-step Milestone and Other Updates

Wow, once again, I’m stunned at the amount of time that has lapsed since my last post.  For those of you who blog, have you ever looked back and read a previous post and almost don’t recognize your own words?  I’m feeling that way.  Pretty amazing when I think of all that has taken place since last September.  How do I even begin to update?

So I won’t try to cover it all, but I do want to review and look ahead.  First of all, I’m happy to acknowledge that I crossed my one-year milestone with my 12-step fellowship.  That happened about 2 months ago, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  The growth I have experienced this past year is head-spinning.  I’m much less selfish, yet I’m more diligent about self-care (my latest being long, refreshing showers, using lovely, fragrant, hand-milled soaps).  I get far less overwhelmed, instead have learned to simply perform the next indicated action.  I’m less fearful, largely because I now check it out, i.e. when I’m feeling a fear, ask myself, just what is it that I’m afraid of?  And then?  And what does that mean?  Those kind of extended questions.  And 9 times out of 10, I realize the fear is illusional.  And for those times I actually declare the fear to be justified, I allow myself to feel it, then do whatever it is I need to do anyway.  I feel my emotions more.  This has been both a freeing yet challenging development for me.  I’m now connecting with the emotions I used to eat to stifle, yet of course now this means I’m often navigating a roller coaster throughout the day.  I’m learning how to deal with this more constructively.  I enjoy better relations with my husband, friends and family.  I’m setting more boundaries — lovingly — for myself for those aspects of my family dynamic that are potentially hurtful to me, while at the same time more fully appreciating all the gifts my family has given and continues to give to me.  I’m far more effective in my work, have come a long way in devoting myself to being of service and to make others’ lives better as a result of my actions.  My self-esteem is soaring, I’m keeping a much tidier and orderly house, and I’m connecting far more to my spirituality, in a way that’s meaningful to me.  And it goes on and on.

The one element that remains is the original element, and that’s my Achilles heel, my eating.  It has, unquestionably, improved dramatically.  To compare how I ate six months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, etc…..I won’t say there’s no comparison, because it was already quite good in many respects.  But it has still improved.  Compulsive eating has gone down; whatever I eat, the majority of the time it’s been planned.  And the kinds of foods I eat have changed; whereas at one time I “needed” to include certain treat foods on a fairly regular basis — almost never eating them within an amount I would have preferred, the frequency keeps going down, and in recent times, has been so seldom that the few occasions I’ve chosen to eat these particular foods, I have found myself woefully disappointed.  They just don’t have the allure/thrill they used to possess for me.  Which actually has irritated me on some level.  I’m looking for a Big Bang with them, and when I’m not getting it, I end up eating more in an attempt to make it happen.  You know how successful THAT has been.  Not.

But the most startling development of all came very recently.  I mentioned that compulsive eating had gone down, but it — specifically bingeing — has not been abolished completely.  I have recently drawn the conclusion that no matter HOW much I heal, grow or resolve in these other areas of my life, I will be left with this urge, this vulnerability.  Maybe some people find they just naturally lose the inclination, but that hasn’t been my experience.  With as much positive change that has taken place in me over this last year, I can only assume that the only way for me to be free of the binge behavior is to make the deliberate decision to not do it.  I have to accept that there will be discomfort involved, and though I can hope that the discomfort and cravings will subside over time, it’s possible it won’t diminish as much as I’d like.  Basically, I’m accepting that the only “thing” that’s going to keep me eating sanely and my body at my optimal weight over the long haul…..is me.  Everything else has been taken care of, at least within reason (obviously there is always additional growth, personal evolution, healing….but whatever it is that might have been part  of the fuel behind my ED, I believe is more or less resolved).  All that’s left is the final step.

Mind you, it’s taken me a while to reach the willingness to acknowledge this possibility, let alone accept it.  As with all tough hurdles, merely knowing what you need to do isn’t enough; you have to really want the benefits of taking that action — which includes dealing with the pain/difficulty of making that change, more than the “benefits” of staying put.  I’ve been steadily trying out various ways to put this awareness into motion, but seemed a bit stalled out at a certain plateau.  Until recently.  What happened is something I can’t explain and is now helping me see how it’s possible that so many speakers (I listen to 12 step speakers via podcasts tell their stories of recovery) speak of this seemingly mysterious, almost overnight, leap into willingness.

What happened is, my switch appears broken.  If anyone here is either bulimic or a compusive overeater, you know the switch I’m talking about.  The switch that gets flipped when you’ve decided to open the flood gates and let yourself splurge away.  I think one of the reasons I had been able to (mostly) let go of certain foods in recent times, is because even with less “glamorous” choices (I know you’re probably wondering what, so okay, like, apples with peanut butter spread on them, or high-fiber breakfast cereals, or protein bars, or whole grain pancake mix, etc.), I could still escape into the occasional binge to let off steam — to flip the switch and zone out, then deal with (hopefully) a less severe aftermath than the days my binges were on “big ticket” items such as cake, cookies, etc.   To be honest, I’m not convinced there’s much difference between the two “species” of binges, at least in terms of after-effect.  It’s bad regardless of what kinds of foods I ate, though maybe it’s been too long since the days of day-long junk food sprees to truly remember how bad it can be.

Anyway, so I’d watched myself make all these distinct and exciting changes from within, and while these eating episodes remained the stubborn holdout, I did still see differences there, too, INCLUDING the willingness to make the above substitutions.  Not wanting to oversell it, I still deemed it progress.  Hey, we all want to be rid of the behavior right away, but I’m now appreciating how it often happens on a time frame quite different from the one I may have envisioned.  I can’t help but muse about the possibility that the willingness to start setting boundaries even within what I choose to binge on….was the start of my mind’s process of teasing the behavior from my grip (or vice versa?).  But still, I can’t deny I continued to struggle, and far too often.

Again, until recently, when I had quite the shot in the arm:  I couldn’t flip the switch!!!  We had gone out to dinner with some friends, and although it went well, I pretty much knew even beforehand that I’d likely be using the evening as an excuse to splurge — both during but especially after the visit, once my husband and I were back at home.  I knew I was rationalizing but I didn’t care.  And as expected, we went to the store on the way home, picked up some treats, and came home.  The weather was great, the music that was playing on the radio made for a nice ambience, the visit had gone well….the stage was set for the “perfect” kick-up-the-heels-and-relax-and-eat-eat-eat Saturday night.  How many of these have I experienced over the years.

Yet, much to my chagrin, for the first time that I can remember…..DAMN it, my mind wouldn’t make the switch!  It was awful; rather than zone out, ignoring the number of calories I must be taking in with every passing second, I remained fully cognizant, unable to lose myself in whatever TV show we’d tuned into and fully aware of what I’d be feeling just one hour later, never mind the uncomfortable sleep and awful aftermath I’d have to deal with the next day.  Nothing I tried help me to cross that invisible line.  Of course it didn’t; up until now, this crossover had happened automatically, no conscious effort, just part of the whole binge cycle.  WTF???

That was several weeks ago; I’ve had another eating episode or two since, and with the same experience — no ability to flip the switch.  And those subsequent eating episodes weren’t even with “exciting” foods, just large servings of the foods that are already part of my food plan.  Talk about a pointless endeavor!  So great.  I get to experience the physical distress, the frantic scrambling to snap back to clean eating and keep my weight down in spite of the calorie spike…but I miss out on the very “escape” I’m seeking by putting excess food in my body in the first place.  If that isn’t the very picture of “Done,” I don’t know what is.  It’s time to face the scary yet exciting reality:  Relief doesn’t live “here” anymore.

So….I’m on a slightly different path since this has all come about.  I won’t elaborate on the details — they’re very personal and everything is still too early/tentative to know what’s going to stick and I don’t want to jinx this undertaking by making too specific a declaration, anyway.  But suffice it to say, this is brand-new territory for me, yet another fork in the road that is coming on the heels of so many other (wonderful) forks before it.

So what’s my point in even logging this?  Well partly for my own record.  I want to be able to look back and remember this turning point, as no matter what it’s an interesting development regardless of what happens from here.  But secondly, it’s my hope that those of you who might be struggling, can see that indeed, over time, change can and does happen.  I’m here to tell you, it takes a lot of hard work and it’s sometimes so slow, its almost imperceptable, and it’s scary and frustrating at times because it doesn’t follow your mind’s blueprints and because you don’t know the outcome.  But I hope this little account and update helps illuminate that these little milestones of progress add up!

We shall see.  Or as the saying goes, more shall be revealed.

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The Mighty Pull of the Habitual Comfort Zone

I’ve been having quite a nice summer (notice I’m not putting that in the past tense, because I’m in DENIAL that the warm weather season is coming to an end!), some ups and downs but overall I feel good about my ongoing growth.  I hate to frame this in terms of weight — life is so much more than just that, but given the theme of this blog, I will go ahead and report that my weight has been generally “steady” to “good,” meaning I’ve been probably 1-3 pounds above where I like my weight during the course of the season.  One wonders what psychological mechanism (and it has to be that) keeps me from crossing that invisible barrier (my working theory is that the brain likes the path of least resistence, and as long as it sees me within a stone’s throw distance from my “fighting weight,” it decides it’s safe and okay to allow me some leeway that day), but I hope that barrier is finally crossed again soon.

Which brings me to today’s topic.  There came a point this summer in which I had one of my infamous “house cleanings,” lifestyle-wise.  I need these every now and then; I reach a point in which I’ve become stagnant in certain choices of foods, of articles I read, of things I listen to, etc., and must abruptly switch gears because all these things seem to be doing is reinforcing my struggle.  So I strip them away and go back to some reliable basics, and almost inevitably see myself returning to “myself.”  And right or wrong, one of the ways I monitor this progress back to “myself” is via my naked body checks.  You know what I mean.  First thing in the morning, give the careful once over, up and down, assess leanness, shape, muscles, etc.  Yes the scale is sometimes used, but by now I know about where those numbers probably are based on certain visual criteria, so the intense body scruitiny remains my measurement device of choice.

So with some of these changes came the results I was hoping for, and I must admit a relief upon seeing them!  I think I’ve said this before, but the way I describe how I feel/behave when my weight is in place is, I can relax and get my mind onto other things.  Ironically, as much as this morning “assessment ritual” seems counterintuitive to obsession-free conduct, that’s in fact exactly what happens; if my body meets my hopes and expectations upon that first checkpoint, I can let go and NOT think about it for the rest of the day.  If, on the other hand, I awaken with a bloated stomach or a body that clearly reflects some recent “exceeding my caloric needs” days….my clothes don’t fit the same and I feel as though I’m already entering the day compromised, like no matter what I do or how well I perform work-wise, it can’t add up to 100%.  It may seem a harsh way to operate but it’s how I stay on top of myself (sad to say, the call of junk food is still quite loud at times, even as I know I don’t even like some of those things anymore).

OK, so I shook things up, made some changes, and got back to a place that I feel good about this summer.  Only problem:  This was shortly followed by 1) an extended business trip, 2) a personal vacation with my husband, 3) a temporary change in my work schedule, 4) some social events with people who matter very much to me.  These occurrences, while positive — every one of them, would have been challenging enough (on the eating habits) under any circumstances, but making matters harder, they all fell very shortly after I’d initiated my latest lifestyle changes, before (apparently) they’d had the chance to displace the old habits and become my new “default” setting.  So predictably, once I emerged from all the turmoil entailed from working with each of these events……I found myself stepping back not to the more positive habits I had planted shortly before, but the old habits I had successfully shed.  Worse, it took a little while to realize this had happened!

So let this be a lesson to all of us:  beware the comfort zone you build for yourself, for in times of discombobulation (even the good kind), this is what you’re likely to turn back to.  I am now working to rebuild my “new and improved” habits from before all of the above took place, and I’m afraid I don’t have a crystal-clear memory of my state of mind from then; I’m having, essentially, to start from scratch and reset my mindset all over again.   I appear to be succeeding, but it’s slow.  My main goal now is to keep building these new habits, and to do so over a long enough period so as to make this mode of action the “norm,” lest I find myself thrown out of my routine and in need of returning to the familiar.  Let’s hope “this” is what becomes “familiar”!

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Interpreting the “Higher Power” reference in OA

Generally, OA is not my personal cup of tea.  I appreciate that it’s helpful to others and for that I acknowledge its value; it simply isn’t for me.  However, I strongly agree with some of the beliefs and approaches by the organization, even if I don’t necessarily apply them in the exact same way as they do.  I agree, for example, that helping others who are struggling is one way to help yourself (though obviously that ought not be the only motivation for doing so).

I have a book, one of my favorites, on overcoming overeating (no, it’s not the book by that title nor the author), written by a member of OA and based on the program therein.  It’s not an “official” OA book, but from what I understand of the organization, it ought to be, for it’s about the most logical, clear-cut, well-organized manual on the subject I have ever read.  And so much of what the author spells out about the program are points I have found, on my own, to be extremely helpful.

But the one element I have often struggled with is the notion of a Higher Power.  Don’t get me wrong; I believe in God or some comparable entity, believe there is “more” than what meets the eye on this earth.  But somehow, the notion of handing myself over to a Higher Power — one of the credos of OA — has never sat well with me.  To me it suggests that I lack the ability to overcome this — or, now that I’ve done most of the “overcoming,” to manage this.  I might be misinterpreting it, but that’s how I read it.  I like the idea of taking full ownership and responsibility for such a problem, and in upholding the idea that I alone — maybe through the tools God has provided me? — can make my own wise decisions and go about implementing change.

But I had a light bulb moment the other day that gave me a sense of resolution to this, perhaps because I *want* to believe in that part of OA.  I was on one of the cardio machines at the gym, reflecting on a conversation my husband and I had had that morning.  I was asking his advice on tweaking my current food plan.  I go through this every single winter; I swear the lack of daylight and the cavedweller effect of all this snow and cold literally scrambles my brain out of its normal self, because this plays out every year without fail.  In short, I begin to “experiment” with my eating, introducing foods that are 99% likely to cause trouble, and to make short-term decisions that, frankly, are immature, selfish, impulsive and/or self-indulgent.  It nearly always leads to a period of trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip.  There finally comes a point when I cry “uncle” and recognize that there’s no place like home, “home” being my regular food plan, my regular approach.  It’s almost as though I momentarily get amnesia, “forgetting” how predictably these foods have caused problems in the past, hoping upon hope that maybe “this time will be different.”  And of course, we all know what happens next!

So of course, it’s like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz.  You take this magical mystery tour, only to realize, reluctantly at times, that you’re still best off doing what’s always worked.  Which is the point I had reached recently after just such an experimentation.  My patient husband duly administered his (appropriate) “duh” response upon my verbalizing this revelation.

So now I’m on the cardio machine, reflecting on how if I only shut off all outside noise — all books, all message boards, all TV ads, all Oprah’s, all magazine articles, all overheard conversations, all blogs…… and simply turn to that internal source, I always steer myself right.  What frustrates me, I suppose, is because what works for me tends to run against what is commonly touted.  That’s tough, as it means I have to essentially plug my ears with my fingers and yell “la la la la la” as it can be soooooo easy to let myself second-guess that internal wisdom.  But you can’t argue with success, and whenever I’ve ignored the popular “sensible” wisdom of the masses (not the rules of nutrition, just in how I choose to adminster them for myself), BOOM, I click into a pleasant, almost “easy” rhythm of eating and lifestyle.  When I futz with it…. I struggle.

Ah-HAH!!!!!!!!!!!   In other words….. that “inner wisdom” of mine IS that “Higher Power.”  It’s that overarching authority that must ultimately be the dominant voice in choosing your tools, your path.  Because everything “beneath” it — looking to others for validation/guidance, going by the popular choice, going by the whims of cravings (danger, Will Robinson), going by the whims of what others insist is the “right” way — is ground clutter.  You have to have someone or something that is unfailingly the final word to ensure you DON’T get pulled in every which direction.  Does this “Higher Power” wisdom of mine come from God?  Or something similar?  Is it within me only?  Is it a compilation of everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve experienced?  Probably….yes.  To all of the above.  Or maybe not.  Who knows, who cares.  The point is, I GET IT now.  And suddenly it makes all the sense in the world to me.  And truth be told, it’s the one sure source that I have always found works (when I listen to and implement it).

Another piece to the puzzle!

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Changing my blog name and my tagline

Change.  One of the best words of advice I have ever received was that in order to be successful in life — and to be happy, you have to be willing to change, and to change constantly.  That’s something that didn’t come naturally to me.  I’ve had to work on not only accepting change, but also in engineering it (i.e. recognizing when the time has come, and putting it into motion), but in doing so, I can concur that I’m so much happier as a result.

With that in mind, if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll notice a change.  If you haven’t, it’s probably good to at least have this full disclosure.

I started this blog about two months ago, and called it “The Part-time Bulimic,” with the tagline Because I hate the word ‘recovering’.  I chose the two for a couple of reasons.  One, because my ED, if I even still have one, had dwindled over the years to the point where it didn’t technically fit any clinical definition.  But I couldn’t deny that some undesired behaviors still remained, and being one who values authenticity and transparency (I despise the notion of deluding oneself, especially with semantics), I wanted some way to acknowledge these behaviors, since much of my posts would be focused around dealing with eating issues.  As for the tagline….. I still find the word “recovering” a bit odd.  To me, life entails many struggles and behaviors — not just food or weight-related — that we aren’t happy with, yet we don’t call our growth or improvement from these things “recovery” or “recovering.”  Why should eating behaviors be any different?  To me, it all umbrellas under the process of learning, healing, seeking, maturing, etc. that defines the human experience.

But right or wrong, there aren’t a whole lot of alternative words to indicate that a behavior has either ended or there’s at least an effort underway to stop it (or manage it or minimize it or <insert comparable verbs here>.

So… “Recovering” it is.  I’m now the “Recovering Part-time Bulimic.”  Truthfully, the more accurate title would be “FORMER Part-time Bulimic,” but right or wrong, I feel like I’d be naively testing the fates if I were to make such a bold declaration.  Let’s hope the word “former” continues to apply even if it never officially becomes part of my title!

As for the “Working on it!”…..that’s because I am.  And more over, I’m experiencing success at it.  I don’t want to imply that I’m somehow “settling” into my ways and not making an effort to rout out behaviors that are either destructive or useless or just plain outdated.

On the other hand, I stand by my appraisal that I will always be “different” in my approach to eating, exercise and lifestyle.  I can’t say what all contributes to this reality.  I actually don’t think this is ED-related; or if it is, the ED history is simply part of what factors in here.  I suspect that it’s a composite of my personality type, my upbringing and life experiences, my genetics, my goals and priorities in life, environmental factors, and of course, certain habits and preferences (either deep-seated or evolutional).  But maybe it’s only some of these things, maybe it’s something else.

But I’m reaching the point in which I really don’t care WHAT causes me to be different.  All I know is I am, and that’s okay.  The good news is, I don’t need to know what fuels the way I am.  I know my frailties, I know my strengths, and I know how to manage both.  I accept that there will need to be deliberate efforts on my part to keep myself where I wish to be, both in terms of my health and in terms of my life goals and values.

And I know that the process of healing and recovery is ongoing.  I acknowledge that there’s always work to be done, no matter how much progress you make.  But whereas at one time I felt frustrated at this — just when you think you’re about to reach the summit, surprise! there’s another stretch of uphill trail that you couldn’t see from further below, I now embrace it.  To be “working on it” is to be alive.  I’m learning to enjoy the view as every climb is its own summit!

So there you go!  Now you know what prompted this CHANGE (forgive the all caps, I’m still reveling in my learning to embrace it).

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Compulsive Overeating…. but is it really a “disease”?

Was reading one of my favorite books on overcoming compulsive overeating (I reread them from time to time to review my take on things, and to reinforce principles that I wish to retain in my program).

And I’m appreciating more and more how I can extract useful information or thought-provoking ideas from a source with which I don’t necessarily agree with the all of the author’s positions or everything the author says.  This is a good example of that.

 I actually think very highly of this book.  I think it captures many truths about how to manage an eating disorder or predilection towards troublesome eating behaviors.

But one area in which I have always parted philosophically on the subject of eating disorders is the notion that they are “diseases.”  No, it is NOT a disease.  It’s a *behavior*.  This behavior can CAUSE various diseases as a result of its presence — heart disease, type 2 diabetes, arthritis, etc., but it in of itself is not the disease.

For me, calling it a disease gives it permission to exist, gives a person an excuse to have it.  For me, I would rather acknowledge that it ISN’T a disease, that I simply *choose* to use this behavior for various reasons.  Viewing it this way makes it harder for me to follow through with the behavior, because behaving this way — which to me is quite immature — is not part of my value system.  Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t always STOP me from following through when an urge hits.  But I don’t delude myself that my behavior is being driven by some mysterious affliction that is unique to me and that others have mercifully been spared of.  To me, we all have the choice to abuse food.  For some of us, doing so has become a bad habit; for some reason, somewhere along the way, we allowed ourselves the option to abuse our bodies in this way.  This is NOT a value judgment; I’m not saying “I suck” as a result of my doing this.  But nor do I wish to give myself a “there there” excuse for my doing it.  By recognizing that it’s a CHOICE, I can better recognize that I do have control over what happens next.

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HUGE key to success: It’s easier to STAY on the wagon than to get back on if you fall off

Quick update if only to crystalize this Ah-HAH that’s in my brain.

Yeah, you can probably file this one under the “duh” category.  But to “know” something…..and to somehow have it “click” into place are often two entirely different brain processes.  I believe I’ve finally just experienced the latter with this.

I’ve been in conversation with people who have lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for the long haul.  I’ve never been more than what most might call “vanity pounds” above the weight I prefer to keep myself at, so while I do have insight as to how to lose and successfully maintain/manage one’s weight, talking with folks who once weighed 50, 60, 80 or 100 pounds or more over their optimal weight is a good reminder to me that I still have plenty to learn from others.  Sure, we all have the shared experience of having to change our lifestyle — our eating, our exercise, etc. — for the sake of managing our weight.  But sometimes there are lessons that I overlook, words of wisdom that I “forget” yet may still resonate very much with me, that people in this position can offer as important reminders.

One such lesson — more a reminder of what I already know — is the importance of fiercely adhering to whatever is working for you, whatever program or approach or combination of eating and exercise strategies you have adopted.  Common sense, of course, but the overarching reason is not necessarily what you think.

Let’s face it.  The crux of why people get frustrated when they seem forever “stuck” at the starting gate with weight loss….is because for whatever reason, they have not reached the point in which they’re mentally fully ready to accept the change of lifestyle needed to lose and maintain their weight from where they’re currently at.  We hear testimonials all the time regarding various weight loss programs; comments from successful “losers” who proudly proclaim that they’d tried every other diet out there, but only once they tried This One did the pounds come off.  The implication being that This One is the better program; the rest are useless.

But we know better.  The truth is, the person could have put themselves on the 3 Snickers Bars A Day diet, or the McDonald’s Coffee and Salad Diet, or the Lean Cuisine for Breakfast, Special K for Dinner diet.  The bottom line is, they were READY to take on the hardships required to adhere to the change of lifestyle long-term.  That’s all.  No magic, no superior program.  They were ready to change.

It explains why people who do lose weight successfully on a sound, healthy program (Weight Watchers, just for an example), maybe even keep it off for a little while, only to regain the weight…..struggle miserably at getting back on that same program, even if they insist that they enjoyed the program the first time around and never felt better than when on the program.  The spark of inspiration — which at times can seem as elusive as getting the planets all in alignment — was lit the first time around for them; but sadly, not the second.

And worse, it’s hard to say what specifically causes that spark to ignite.  How many of us have had false starts before things finally “clicked”?  Probably most, if not all of us.  What makes it happen finally?  Hard to say.

But that’s the point of this post.  What I’m realizing, both in myself and in talking with these people who have lost — and maintained — a great deal of weight, is that it’s FAR easier to “stay on the wagon” once you’re on it….than to get yourself back on if you fall off.  In other words, once you’re on it, do EVERYTHING in your power to cling on for dear life when you go over those bumps in the road.  Even if you THINK the danger has passed, you are no longer vulnerable to the triggers or cravings or <insert whatever factors here> that threatened your derailment (or led to derailment) before, stay vigilant.  Even if the road gets so rough that to keep yourself in your healthy behaviors is a royal pain in the neck, feeling almost impossible at times, even if it makes no “sense” to keep certain rules in place, even if you feel you “deserve” to cut yourself a break…just a short break….stick to your guns.  Stay the course.  You may not realize you’ll be happier for it, but you will be.  Sadly, we can be woefully amnesic about fully comprehending our vulnerabilities when we’re being seduced by our personal cryptonite.  But the bottom line is, no matter what, once that rough road passes, you’ll have a much easier — saner — time getting yourself back to a state of balance than you would if you’d allowed yourself to tumble off that wagon, thinking “That’s okay, I’ll just run back up and jump back on.”  Oh, if only it were so easy!  You just don’t know when that spark of readiness will strike again.  I dare say, if we look at our lives as a whole, these moments of readiness happen very sparsely.  This holds true for our eating, our careers, our relationships, our creativity with right-brain activities, etc.  There’s a reason they say to writers and artists that when the muse hits, run with it, because there’s no telling when it will hit again.  I suspect the same is true for weight loss and lifestyle.  Once you’re rolling, you can fight the good fight to stay on track, but it still pales in comparison to falling off track and then struggling to get back on again.

It is, this little revelation, the one instance in which I can understand the mentality of OA:  the idea that it’s far easier to resist that first bite of your non-abstinent food, or that first foray into non-abstinent behavior, than to break your abstinence and have to start from scratch.  You wouldn’t think that falling off “just once” could bring you back to scratch, and maybe some stumbles won’t.  But who wants to take that chance?  Best to not get complacent and put yourself in the position to find out the answer to that.

In my case, it means I have to re-commit to certain realities of my own wellness program.  In more specific terms, it means I have to keep my choices narrow, I have to keep certain foods out of my menu altogether, and I have to not let myself forget certain realities of meal timing that, while not a problem for most other people, is most certainly a problem for me.  To divert from any of these rules (I have more, these are just some examples) is to ignore certain realities of myself, my history, my vulnerabilities.  Which means to break these rules, for me, is to take myself off the wagon.

I suspect it’s not unlike someone who needs to wear prescription glasses or contacts.  Or someone who had a ski accident many years before and had to have reconstructive surgery to their knees.  You can’t go back and pretend you have perfect vision without the aid of a device, and you can’t behave as though your knees have the recovery/mobility of someone without your injury/surgery history.

I lost my concentration in the attempt to ignore my realities, and I’m getting some loud and clear feedback that I need to get back on that wagon…..and stop fantasizing about stepping smugly off when the wagon slows down so that I can collect some roadside flowers.  Take pictures of the damn flowers and keep your eye on the road!

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