Handling unwanted male attention

This is an issue that’s come up more and more, and I’m realizing how much I have never really matured to the point in which I can graciously set boundaries when a man’s attention to me is clearly beginning to cross a line from “casual interaction” to “trying to pursue something more.”  Certainly, it’s incredibly flattering, and I’m sure my ego is part of the problem.  But the other part is my fear of hurting the guy’s feelings.  I can see how very easily a woman (person) can find herself in a relationship that she doesn’t even particularly like, or staying in a situation that no longer works for her, simply because she feels this need to protect the guy from hurt feelings.  In my case, my mind immediately goes to such thoughts as, “Oh, he already has so much stress in his life.  Do I really need to add to it by telling him to back off or that I’m uncomfortable with the direction our conversation is going?”

So, rather than SAY anything outright, I instead just try to be polite, keep my end of the conversation neutral.  Only….while *I* may think I’m merely being polite, the guy is taking my courteousness as an encouragement to pursue further.

I’m also realizing that, up until now, my solution to such a situation has typically been to simply try to avoid crossing paths with him again.  But some recent interactions have convinced me that this is neither a mature way to handle it nor practical.  First of all, I can’t live my life constantly ducking situations just to avoid such contact — talk about living a life dictated by others!  Second of all, I need to be mature enough to be able to politely assert myself.  I can’t worry about his feelings.

But of course, the latter is uncomfortable, no matter what.  I suppose it might get easier, but it’s still not comfortable.  And I’m starting to see how this DOES relate to my eating, and my bigger mentality:  I don’t want to have to encounter these uncomfortable moments, in which I have to stay the course with what’s uncomfortable, whether it’s eating a certain way or turning down a food I don’t need or defining my boundaries with another person or some other situation.

Now.  To put this newfound realization to use.  Easier said than done!

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Chronically “better” but not “there yet”

It’s occurred to me how many times I use the word “better” when describing where I am now vs. where I was yesterday, last week, last year, four years ago, etc.  It gets to a point in which the word almost loses any meaning or significance.  Better by what measure?  Because being the complex creature that I am, it’s a certainty that for every improvement or stride I have made in my happiness, my behavior, the quality of my life…..I can probably pick out examples in which I’ve backslid.  So I suppose my use of the word “better” presumes that the “net” movement is forward, even in the presence of those regressions.

I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about this if not for the fact that a couple of years ago, it was brought to my attention by my husband, who at the time expressed weariness (and wariness) at my overuse of it.  “Great, you’re better, but when are going to make that final leap to your goal?”  That’s a paraphrase but that was the essence of his complaint.  And truth be told, he’s right, in the sense that, if I do have a concrete goal but keep falling short of doing what is needed to achieve it…..”better” becomes a safety net, a sort of consolation with which to comfort myself.  “Well…sure, I may not be at my goal YET….but at least I’m better than I was before.”  That’s one of those tools that can be very useful and harmful, depending on how you apply it.

So I’ve been sensitive, irritated even, at my perpetual use of “better” in describing where I’m at.  At the very least, I’ve tried to watch for signs of abusing the term, or using it as a chance to bail out of the hard work I know I need to do, and rest a little too comfortably in my laurels.

But that process has given rise to a new realization:  Really, isn’t the word “better” the ultimate summary of the flow of a life well lived?  Do any of us truly reach that final destination, that place in which we have “arrived” and can now just kick back and coast the rest of the way?  I don’t believe so, and more importantly, I sure hope not.  To me, a life worth living, by definition, is one that entails constant growth, constant striving to do more, explore new horizons, embark on new adventures, master new skills.  Yes, it’s good to hit those goals at least some of the time, and to bask in the satisfaction of that.  But there’s so much to be said for the struggle and effort to get there, regardless of whether you reach them or not (especially since we aren’t really in control of that final outcome, anyway).  As the saying goes, if you’re not going forward, you’re going backward, and that definitely rings true for me.

So…..I guess I’d better (ha HA! another use of the word!) get used to the presence of “better” in my life, and be happy and grateful it applies so much so as to cause such musings about it!

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Wow, 364 days (and 12 steps) later

How strange, that the very next time I feel inclined to post is almost exactly one year to the date from my last post!  I haven’t even read that post yet, so you and I will together have a new experience after I finish writing this.

So I suppose I should offer a bit of a year in summary before I get into today’s topic.  LOTS has happened since a year ago.  It’s almost mind-boggling, yet probably only to me (and my husband, who knows me best), as much of the change is internal and/or subtle in the overall big picture.

For starters, last summer had brought with it some changes in my nutrition that finally rendered some much-sought results in fall (that’s code for, I stopped eating certain foods and finally saw a return of more sharply defined muscles and a boost in my energy/mood), and I fell into a pattern that felt quite comfortable and sustainable.  The summer also brought some terrific high points with regard to my athletics, and to be sure it was a period of tremendous growth for me.  I began to commit more to activities for which disordered eating (specifically, unplanned extra eating, sometimes resulting in a full-blown binge, causing unwanted digestive discomfort) was not compatable, which was great in that it further illuminated the fact that I was shifting from prioritizing the momentary, instant relief I feel when I’m engaged in those behaviors (the food but also the “attending to the aftermath” which is also a distraction)….to the more gratifying participation in life and interacting with the people in my life.

And as I said, the physical effects of some of these changes were seen especially in the fall, almost “overnight.”  Even though I believe it was the accumulation of consistent changes and work, it was as though all of a sudden my body “clicked” in a way it hadn’t in the months prior, certainly not in the winter/early spring months.  So a good reminder that it’s important to stay the course that you truly believe is better for yourself, even if the anticipated changes/results are not quite happening in the time frame you were expecting.

So my fall was quite a pleasing experience.  I made some changes and strides professionally as well.  I have learned that I’m a creature that needs to be around people at least some of the time, even when I’m doing work that involves just myself and my computer.   So I made some changes to address that.  Overall, an ongoing “coming out of my shell” would be a good way to sum it up.  NOT without challenges and low points, mind you, but definitely a net positive journey.

Then winter set in and sheesh, it’s scary and deflating that no matter how determined I am, no matter what the tools in my arsenal, I seem to lose the wind in my sails.  It’s like winter takes me in my perfectly happy state, chews me up and then spits me out, leaving me raw and disoriented and having to heal those wounds just to get back to where I left off.  The lack of inspiring landscape immediately around us coupled with the endless cold and gray…..it doesn’t do my body or mind good, though it sure does force me to flex my “look at the bright side” muscles.  The one positive I have to say is that my eating (and exercise, though the latter is a given, I love to move) was more balanced than it has been in previous winters.  The trouble was, and it’s the same issue of the previous winter, despite my shoring up my eating even more (to the best of my assessment) cleanly than that of fall, my body was not responding in kind.  In fact on the contrary, it was much harder to stay within my goal weight range, and worse for me, my body shape was once again “not itself,” odd subtle changes that caused my clothes to look different even when my weight was more or less the same.  I realize these are small matters in the overall scheme of things, but for my can’t-find-the-shutoff-valve mind, all I do is wonder wonder wonder why the very measures that rendered such different results as recently as 4-5 months ago….could be so useless now.  Does not compute!

So suffice it to say, it was par for my usual mid/late winter progression:  out of sorts, frustrated, making tweaks in spite of feeling emotionally all over the place and feeling frustrated that my efforts were not being duly rewarded with the kind of changes I had come to expect from my body.  But worse….MUCH worse….I was increasingly aware of the effect this was all having on my living.  I’m realizing more and more how much I DON’T want to go through life with my greatest immediate accomplishment being that of, “she knows how to get/keep a buff body.”  I want to be of help/use to others.  Yes, I know I’m already of some help/use with loved ones, friends, my husband, my job….but I’m still consuming WAY too much physical, mental and spiritual energy around this thing.  And I’m increasingly realizing how much I’m missing out on in so doing, how much I have NOT done or how much I have not been present due to the demands of this behavior — indulging it and then recovering from it.  And finally, I’m realizing how much I am NOT in control of the outcome, anyway, so why am I trying to hard to engineer it?

Well that final conclusion, that’s actually come along in recent weeks.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  So let me backtrack to mid-March.

I don’t know why, I can’t even pinpoint the specific day, but for some reason, I found myself hunting down some podcasts of a 12-step program.  And upon listening to that very first one, I was immediately riveted.  It was not my first exposure to 12-step programs; I had read a memoir of somebody’s experience with one, which I’d enjoyed.  And I had, in fact, looked into such an option for myself on more than one occasion (haha, always in March, do you suppose winter has some role in all of this?).  But I never acted on the research for various reasons, not the least of which is the internal clash I have with some of the philosophies of such a program.  But I suppose the “take what you need and leave the rest” suggestion kept my mind open enough so that when the time was right and I was ready, I could take that next step.

So suddenly I was listening to stories of people who were articulate, intelligent, witty (of course all the traits I like to think I possess!)…..and yet who somehow found long-term relief from their eating behaviors, which they assert were part and parcel of a bigger-picture spiritual malady.  I found myself suspending whatever reservations I might have and simply listened, figuring there would be value in gleaning something, anything, from their anecdotes.

And quietly, gently, almost imperceptibly, I found myself making changes.  They were internalized and external as well, and they felt quite different from anywhere I had been before.  It was as though I’d crossed a threshold from one phase of my life to a new one, and I was now setting out to build that new infrastructure.

Well hopefully it won’t be another year until I report back!   I’m excited about all that has happened and hope to share the details in subsequent posts.

Be well and thank you for reading!

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The serenity of binge-free living

As you probably have deduced, I’m not using or updating this blog very regularly these days (how’s that for a fancy way to say I’ve been completely MIA?).  Truth be told, I find that my ability to benefit from such an outlet fluctuates; sometimes I do better by actually distancing myself from any focus — blogs, books, message boards, etc. — on anything that has to do with eating disorders or weight or food issues.  By shifting my focus away from those things AND surrounding myself with a lifestyle and people who represent anything BUT those things, it’s almost as though I “forget” to have such issues.  Sometimes I think there’s a danger in all this self-help via interacting (or lurking, anyway) with others, because doing so can “normalize” what is otherwise very unacceptable behavior, IMO.  For example, certain behaviors or perceptions may not even OCCUR to me, yet in an environment in which people with weight or eating issues are discussing their problems/recovery, I may encounter individuals who engage in these things.  And while at first I may read with a sense of detached curiosity, you read it often enough and suddenly it doesn’t seem so odd, and suddenly you find your own mind is actually absorbing some of these things, and it starts to pollute your own thinking.  By cutting loose and instead only conversing with people who have never had eating issues, I remind myself what “normal/healthy” looks like.  I realize my own version of “normal/healthy” may not ever be quite there — my history brings with it some realities that I ought not be naive enough to ignore.  But who knows?  Time does great things, and through repetition, it’s amazing how much a person can change, to where there’s not even a hint of a resemblence to their former self or way of thinking.

Ha ha, I’m making it sound like I’m desiring such a dramatic change!  No.  But do I think I benefit greatly from getting out of any “ED recovery” environment or mindset?  Yes, absolutely.  Where I’ll ultimately go….again, who knows?

Anyway, but I’d had a recent turn of events that threw me into a bit of turmoil.  Happily, that turmoil is being resolved, but out of the crisis an interesting lesson was illuminated for me.

I have often lamented (tongue-in-cheek), particularly when I’ve prepared for my various athletic events, about how well nutritious eating “works.”  Meaning, by golly, when I’m forced to eat absolutely cleanly for a long, unbroken stretch of time, usually because I’m training much more intensively and have ambitious goals for a given athletic event, I not only see the influence of properly chosen foods and supplements on my body and athletic performance, I also experience a remarkable, almost unbelievable, release from all my cravings.  Whereas I normally can navigate the ebbs and surges of my appetite and cravings without too much problem — they’re there, but with good nutrition and other tools in place, I can ignore and/or work with them effectively, during these extra-clean eating times, it goes even beyond that; I literally lose the cravings.  Eating my planned meals is effortless, I lose my hunger and yet have boundless energy.  It’s not the most “fun” I’ve had with my eating — the foods are typically not the kind that hit people’s Top 10 list of favorite cheat items, but it feels a small sacrifice when compared with the reprieve it gives me from the daily challenge of appetite management.  Why, you wonder, do I ever stray from such synchronicity?  Like everything, little by little, I let “things” chip away at the oh-so-well-oiled-machine, and while my weight pretty much remains the same, I gradually find myself back to the usual m.o., which includes clean eating, just enough “non clean” eating to satisfy my perceived cravings and to stimulate some new cravings of their own, with willpower kicking in to keep things from moving in the direction of those cravings.  I know, deep down, that if I bring myself back to that more simple eating arrangement, I will probably go back to a craving-free existence, but there’s a reluctance that’s hard to penetrate if I don’t have some overarching motivator, such as an athletic event to prepare for.  Perhaps one of these days things will “stick” more than they have thus far.

With that in mind, recently I had experienced a “mysterious” weight gain.  Now hear me out, I’m normally a person who rolls her eyes at the notion of “mysterious” weight gain.  There’s no mystery; you took in more calories than you burned.  Simple as that.  And this, I believe, is still true.  But considering I’m as vigilant as I’ve always been about weighing my food, measuring my food, tracking my daily calories, recording my food intake and my exercise…… the sudden (as in, over a couple of months’ time) weight gain and notable change of body composition truly had me baffled.  By weight gain, I mean relatively small; about 5-6 pounds over my norm.  But on my frame….it looked AWFUL!  But worst of all, I just couldn’t find a good reason.  If anything, my eating and exercise were even tighter than they were in the preceding 6-8 months.  It was baffling and frightening.  It took a long time for me to get to the level of management of my eating (and the ED) that I currently have, and the thought that I might have to make additional tweaks was overwhelming me.  It didn’t help that I was emerging from one of the hardest and harshest winters our area has ever had.  Clearly Seasonal Affective Disorder was a factor in my dispondence.  And while the extra weight may not seem like a big deal, it was just enough to not only force me out of most of my clothes, but to feel….compromised.  I know at what weight range I look irrefutably at my personal best, and this wasn’t it.  I looked bloated, puffy, definitely imbalanced.  I had been at this weight many years before, but back then it was somehow healthier, more fit, even if it still wasn’t my goal weight.  This?  It didn’t even look like me.

I’ll spare the details of how we finally figured out what the problem was — or at least, what we believe the problem was.  Suffice it to say, we did resolve the problem, and I have taken most of the weight off.  I’m now up by a pound or two and can expect the rest to fall into place soon enough.

But the “why” isn’t really the point here.  My point is what I experienced while trying to deal with the mysterious problem.  Because I had no idea what was going on, only that I was gaining weight mysteriously, one of the changes I had to make was to further shore up my eating.  I needed to make certain that I was truly being accurate in my intake and consistent in staying within my allocated caloric boundaries.  I also figured that darn it, if I was gaining weight now, while eating so cleanly, there was no telling what awful consequence would befall me if I dared stray from my eating plan.  So no cheats.  For a long time.

And that is why I make this post.  Because admittedly, as I have referenced before, I had become accustomed, over the years, to a management strategy whereby I would eat cleanly and exercise regularly, enough so that my metabolism could handle a (usually) once-a-week cheat.  Good enough, except that these cheats were often quite grand in scale — cookies, pizza, cheese, chocolate, eaten to the point of discomfort.  It’s been hard to curtail this one remnant of my ED (which at times didn’t look particularly ED’d, more just the kind of nibble fest people often experience on a Saturday night), as it would often take a good 2-3 days for me to feel recovered from the consequences of my splurge.  And while I didn’t always turn to such decadence on a weekly basis, I would still allow at least 2 days each week in which I’d eat way, way more than my body needed of even “healthy” food, such as trail mix or apples or sugar-free pudding.  And while my weight somehow remained consistent despite these occasional flights of fancy, the cycle of dealing with the added quantity of food on my gastrointestinal tract….the distress it would cause….was awful.  Part of my challenge over these last several months has been to work on lessening the severity.  I say “lessen the severity” because I don’t necessarily think I can nor should abolish these occasional deviations from my food plan.  But of course, there’s a huge difference between having an extra helping of a treat food or cooking a particular recipe in its “full fat” version but otherwise leave the day’s eating the same….vs. what I was doing, which definitely went beyond where it should be.  But….old habits die hard.  Choose your poison, and all of that.

So imagine the unexpected “gift” this recent dilemma gave to me.  For while I was decidedly unhappy with my situation — that is, I was annoyed with what was happening to my body and consumed about trying to figure out what the heck was going on,  I found myself, on a particularly difficult day, taking note of one shining light:  the serenity of being away from bingeing.  Because of my body’s apparant rebellion, I had vigilantly kept myself away from eating outside of my meal plan, and for a long stretch of time.  In this case, it had been weeks since I’d last strayed, and prior to that stumble, a few additional weeks still.  Altogether, I had had almost a couple of months without bingeing (my term for those Saturday and/or weeknight cheats), and I have to tell you….. it was wonderful.  While I was still struggling to find outfits that fit me, I could at least feel the serenity that comes when the body hasn’t been inundated with excess food.  My mind was cleaerer, my energy levels more even, my digestive tract at relative peace.

Well, happily, the few changes that I felt were needed, that I felt may provide the relief my body needed from what appeared to be going on….did finally start to take effect.  I began to see “my” body re-emerge, which was a huge relief, indeed.  I had a few athletic events come and go as well during that time, and found the problem to be almost 100% resolved.

So you know what happened next.  Of course!  Problem solved, success at my athletic events, which means it must be time to celebrate!  Mind you, I’m not out of the woods yet, especially since the whole point is to bring myself back to where I normally MAINTAIN myself, not just some bottom-end extreme from which I can then promptly rebound.  But sure enough, at the first opportunity (read:  where I had a day of down time afterward, allowing me to become cave-dweller and digest quietly out of the radar of most humanity), I merrily high-tailed it to the store, picking out all the sugar-fat-kitchen-sink delights I had so steadfastilly kept myself away from for so long.  It was almost head-spinning — literally — to experience these foods again, like switching on a bunch of neuro-receptors that had become dormant (not unlike what I imagine it’s like to smoke a cigarette after having quit for a while).  A couple of hours and a distended belly later, I couldn’t believe I had once again let myself fall into that bizarre, pre-binge amnesia, where I seem to forget how truly horrible the aftermath is — much more horrible than any pleasure obtained from the taste of the food.

So okay, a trip, stumble and fall.  It happens.  Move on.  Only…. I’ve had a couple more since.  So now I’m back to shoring up my eating and be more guarded on what behaviors and foods I allow over the next week or so.  Having had some blissful reprieve from my last binge, I can once again taste that serenity that I recently experienced, and I’m anxious to return to that place more solidly.  It’s fresh in my mind, and I’m grateful to have been, albeit through strange circumstances, forced to rout out some remnant destructive behaviors so as to let me catch a glimpse of it!  I don’t want to forget it anytime soon.  Talk about realizing how ready I am to be rid of those remnants, once and for all! 

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Interpreting the “Higher Power” reference in OA

Generally, OA is not my personal cup of tea.  I appreciate that it’s helpful to others and for that I acknowledge its value; it simply isn’t for me.  However, I strongly agree with some of the beliefs and approaches by the organization, even if I don’t necessarily apply them in the exact same way as they do.  I agree, for example, that helping others who are struggling is one way to help yourself (though obviously that ought not be the only motivation for doing so).

I have a book, one of my favorites, on overcoming overeating (no, it’s not the book by that title nor the author), written by a member of OA and based on the program therein.  It’s not an “official” OA book, but from what I understand of the organization, it ought to be, for it’s about the most logical, clear-cut, well-organized manual on the subject I have ever read.  And so much of what the author spells out about the program are points I have found, on my own, to be extremely helpful.

But the one element I have often struggled with is the notion of a Higher Power.  Don’t get me wrong; I believe in God or some comparable entity, believe there is “more” than what meets the eye on this earth.  But somehow, the notion of handing myself over to a Higher Power — one of the credos of OA — has never sat well with me.  To me it suggests that I lack the ability to overcome this — or, now that I’ve done most of the “overcoming,” to manage this.  I might be misinterpreting it, but that’s how I read it.  I like the idea of taking full ownership and responsibility for such a problem, and in upholding the idea that I alone — maybe through the tools God has provided me? — can make my own wise decisions and go about implementing change.

But I had a light bulb moment the other day that gave me a sense of resolution to this, perhaps because I *want* to believe in that part of OA.  I was on one of the cardio machines at the gym, reflecting on a conversation my husband and I had had that morning.  I was asking his advice on tweaking my current food plan.  I go through this every single winter; I swear the lack of daylight and the cavedweller effect of all this snow and cold literally scrambles my brain out of its normal self, because this plays out every year without fail.  In short, I begin to “experiment” with my eating, introducing foods that are 99% likely to cause trouble, and to make short-term decisions that, frankly, are immature, selfish, impulsive and/or self-indulgent.  It nearly always leads to a period of trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip.  There finally comes a point when I cry “uncle” and recognize that there’s no place like home, “home” being my regular food plan, my regular approach.  It’s almost as though I momentarily get amnesia, “forgetting” how predictably these foods have caused problems in the past, hoping upon hope that maybe “this time will be different.”  And of course, we all know what happens next!

So of course, it’s like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz.  You take this magical mystery tour, only to realize, reluctantly at times, that you’re still best off doing what’s always worked.  Which is the point I had reached recently after just such an experimentation.  My patient husband duly administered his (appropriate) “duh” response upon my verbalizing this revelation.

So now I’m on the cardio machine, reflecting on how if I only shut off all outside noise — all books, all message boards, all TV ads, all Oprah’s, all magazine articles, all overheard conversations, all blogs…… and simply turn to that internal source, I always steer myself right.  What frustrates me, I suppose, is because what works for me tends to run against what is commonly touted.  That’s tough, as it means I have to essentially plug my ears with my fingers and yell “la la la la la” as it can be soooooo easy to let myself second-guess that internal wisdom.  But you can’t argue with success, and whenever I’ve ignored the popular “sensible” wisdom of the masses (not the rules of nutrition, just in how I choose to adminster them for myself), BOOM, I click into a pleasant, almost “easy” rhythm of eating and lifestyle.  When I futz with it…. I struggle.

Ah-HAH!!!!!!!!!!!   In other words….. that “inner wisdom” of mine IS that “Higher Power.”  It’s that overarching authority that must ultimately be the dominant voice in choosing your tools, your path.  Because everything “beneath” it — looking to others for validation/guidance, going by the popular choice, going by the whims of cravings (danger, Will Robinson), going by the whims of what others insist is the “right” way — is ground clutter.  You have to have someone or something that is unfailingly the final word to ensure you DON’T get pulled in every which direction.  Does this “Higher Power” wisdom of mine come from God?  Or something similar?  Is it within me only?  Is it a compilation of everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve experienced?  Probably….yes.  To all of the above.  Or maybe not.  Who knows, who cares.  The point is, I GET IT now.  And suddenly it makes all the sense in the world to me.  And truth be told, it’s the one sure source that I have always found works (when I listen to and implement it).

Another piece to the puzzle!

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HUGE key to success: It’s easier to STAY on the wagon than to get back on if you fall off

Quick update if only to crystalize this Ah-HAH that’s in my brain.

Yeah, you can probably file this one under the “duh” category.  But to “know” something…..and to somehow have it “click” into place are often two entirely different brain processes.  I believe I’ve finally just experienced the latter with this.

I’ve been in conversation with people who have lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for the long haul.  I’ve never been more than what most might call “vanity pounds” above the weight I prefer to keep myself at, so while I do have insight as to how to lose and successfully maintain/manage one’s weight, talking with folks who once weighed 50, 60, 80 or 100 pounds or more over their optimal weight is a good reminder to me that I still have plenty to learn from others.  Sure, we all have the shared experience of having to change our lifestyle — our eating, our exercise, etc. — for the sake of managing our weight.  But sometimes there are lessons that I overlook, words of wisdom that I “forget” yet may still resonate very much with me, that people in this position can offer as important reminders.

One such lesson — more a reminder of what I already know — is the importance of fiercely adhering to whatever is working for you, whatever program or approach or combination of eating and exercise strategies you have adopted.  Common sense, of course, but the overarching reason is not necessarily what you think.

Let’s face it.  The crux of why people get frustrated when they seem forever “stuck” at the starting gate with weight loss….is because for whatever reason, they have not reached the point in which they’re mentally fully ready to accept the change of lifestyle needed to lose and maintain their weight from where they’re currently at.  We hear testimonials all the time regarding various weight loss programs; comments from successful “losers” who proudly proclaim that they’d tried every other diet out there, but only once they tried This One did the pounds come off.  The implication being that This One is the better program; the rest are useless.

But we know better.  The truth is, the person could have put themselves on the 3 Snickers Bars A Day diet, or the McDonald’s Coffee and Salad Diet, or the Lean Cuisine for Breakfast, Special K for Dinner diet.  The bottom line is, they were READY to take on the hardships required to adhere to the change of lifestyle long-term.  That’s all.  No magic, no superior program.  They were ready to change.

It explains why people who do lose weight successfully on a sound, healthy program (Weight Watchers, just for an example), maybe even keep it off for a little while, only to regain the weight…..struggle miserably at getting back on that same program, even if they insist that they enjoyed the program the first time around and never felt better than when on the program.  The spark of inspiration — which at times can seem as elusive as getting the planets all in alignment — was lit the first time around for them; but sadly, not the second.

And worse, it’s hard to say what specifically causes that spark to ignite.  How many of us have had false starts before things finally “clicked”?  Probably most, if not all of us.  What makes it happen finally?  Hard to say.

But that’s the point of this post.  What I’m realizing, both in myself and in talking with these people who have lost — and maintained — a great deal of weight, is that it’s FAR easier to “stay on the wagon” once you’re on it….than to get yourself back on if you fall off.  In other words, once you’re on it, do EVERYTHING in your power to cling on for dear life when you go over those bumps in the road.  Even if you THINK the danger has passed, you are no longer vulnerable to the triggers or cravings or <insert whatever factors here> that threatened your derailment (or led to derailment) before, stay vigilant.  Even if the road gets so rough that to keep yourself in your healthy behaviors is a royal pain in the neck, feeling almost impossible at times, even if it makes no “sense” to keep certain rules in place, even if you feel you “deserve” to cut yourself a break…just a short break….stick to your guns.  Stay the course.  You may not realize you’ll be happier for it, but you will be.  Sadly, we can be woefully amnesic about fully comprehending our vulnerabilities when we’re being seduced by our personal cryptonite.  But the bottom line is, no matter what, once that rough road passes, you’ll have a much easier — saner — time getting yourself back to a state of balance than you would if you’d allowed yourself to tumble off that wagon, thinking “That’s okay, I’ll just run back up and jump back on.”  Oh, if only it were so easy!  You just don’t know when that spark of readiness will strike again.  I dare say, if we look at our lives as a whole, these moments of readiness happen very sparsely.  This holds true for our eating, our careers, our relationships, our creativity with right-brain activities, etc.  There’s a reason they say to writers and artists that when the muse hits, run with it, because there’s no telling when it will hit again.  I suspect the same is true for weight loss and lifestyle.  Once you’re rolling, you can fight the good fight to stay on track, but it still pales in comparison to falling off track and then struggling to get back on again.

It is, this little revelation, the one instance in which I can understand the mentality of OA:  the idea that it’s far easier to resist that first bite of your non-abstinent food, or that first foray into non-abstinent behavior, than to break your abstinence and have to start from scratch.  You wouldn’t think that falling off “just once” could bring you back to scratch, and maybe some stumbles won’t.  But who wants to take that chance?  Best to not get complacent and put yourself in the position to find out the answer to that.

In my case, it means I have to re-commit to certain realities of my own wellness program.  In more specific terms, it means I have to keep my choices narrow, I have to keep certain foods out of my menu altogether, and I have to not let myself forget certain realities of meal timing that, while not a problem for most other people, is most certainly a problem for me.  To divert from any of these rules (I have more, these are just some examples) is to ignore certain realities of myself, my history, my vulnerabilities.  Which means to break these rules, for me, is to take myself off the wagon.

I suspect it’s not unlike someone who needs to wear prescription glasses or contacts.  Or someone who had a ski accident many years before and had to have reconstructive surgery to their knees.  You can’t go back and pretend you have perfect vision without the aid of a device, and you can’t behave as though your knees have the recovery/mobility of someone without your injury/surgery history.

I lost my concentration in the attempt to ignore my realities, and I’m getting some loud and clear feedback that I need to get back on that wagon…..and stop fantasizing about stepping smugly off when the wagon slows down so that I can collect some roadside flowers.  Take pictures of the damn flowers and keep your eye on the road!

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Craving management: Like Maslow’s hierarchy

Well, I’m back from my break, at least briefly.  I’m not sure I’ll post again very frequently (if at all), if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t have much in the way of thought-provoking revelations or discoveries of the moment.  My ED seems to be in a state of semi-remission (I say “semi” mainly to avoid letting my guard down and becoming complacent) at the moment, so I’m just coasting along and enjoying what appears to be a new phase of my life.  Interesting, exciting, and a bit scary all at the same time!

However, I do want to post a conclusion I’m increasingly drawing on the subject of cravings, dealing with hunger, appetite, eating management, etc.  I’ll explain how and why I’ve come to this conclusion.

Due to my ED quieting down, I’ve been interacting more with people with no apparent history of eating issues, from all sorts of walks of life.  Mainly though, those people whom I admire or with whom I have shared interests.  I’m doing this both just for personal enrichment, but also to further learn — understand where an ED “ends” and “normalcy” begins.  Sometimes this is a gray area that’s hard to pinpoint.

So that’s my “how.”  Now the “why”:

I suppose one reason I’m taking a break is, I don’t want to forever have to be so active in my analysis and debate regarding my emotions, my behavior, etc.  I’m realizing that there’s no such thing as “total” recovery, meaning, you’ll never fully extinguish cravings, you’ll never achieve a state of absolute contentment.  So to keep pursuing such a goal is frought with frustration, as no matter how well you’re doing, it’s never going to be “good enough” if that’s the lofty goal you’re holding yourself up to.  I think part of why I’ve become fidgety over the last couple of years is because I want to figure out where “normal” is.  At what point am I more or less “normal”?  Obviously, the answer can only be answered by me, but figuring that out is no easy task.  I suppose the answer has to come from a combination of observing “normal” in others who appear to be more or less where you want to be….and what you personally are willing to accept as your personal “normal.”

So why be so analytical?  Why the need to decide such a thing?  Simple.  I want to get to the point that I can let GO of the recovery process already.  If I honestly feel I’ve taken my recovery about as far as I can, I can relax and settle in where I’m at and free up my mind for other things.  I don’t have to wonder if there’s more around the corner if I only put in another six months of active effort.  I do think there’s a point in which any additional improvements will be negligible at best.  More over, they may very well happen anyway, even without “formal” effort, just by living my life based on the values and principles I’ve established over the course of my recovery.  In other words, at some point I have to let go of micro-managing my recovery, and instead just let those ongoing, if smaller, changes continue to occur in their natural timing.

Okay, so here’s what I’m concluding.  In the whole scheme of eating — cravings, hunger, appetite, deprivation, etc., and life — emotions, personality inclinations, etc., there are “layers” of these elements that aren’t unlike Maslow’s hierarchy.  There’s the first layer, which I’ll call the “biological creature” layer.  Just the basic facts of being a living thing:  metabolism, eating, energy production and consumption, etc.  The next layer up will be the “genetics” layer.  Next is the “human experience” layer.  Up from that might be “issues and specific personality challenges” layer.  Above that might be the “eating disorders” layer.

What’s my point here?  That no matter how much you heal, grow, mature, resolve issues, change bad habits, develop healthy outlets, learn new coping skills, strategize your meals and nutrition, exercise wisely, attend to your health, learn to live with your emotions, etc…… you will STILL have a certain amount of cravings, appetite, hunger, emotional challenges, etc.  There is no fully getting rid of these things, because they’re driven largely by certain realities of biology, genetics, and simply the “normal” human experience.  You can do your best to attend to those things you can change, and clearly help yourself deal with those elements you can’t change, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to grit your teeth through times of uncomfortable hunger, cravings that just won’t die, irrational emotions and crankiness when you have no reason to be anything but ecstatic and grateful.

And here’s the thing:  the above things are OKAY!!!  There was a time when I’d experience some major breakthrough, or put to practice a great strategy of “alternate actitivites” (i.e. when a craving hits, do something to occupy yourself that doesn’t involve food), or develop hobbies or form great friendships that helped keep my mind happy and busy, boosted my self-esteem and  elevated my overall life contendedness, or had an “ah-hah!” about the origins of my behavior……and I guess deep down I kept hoping that somehow these things would help “magically” cut my cravings, or reduce my desire to make inappropriate eating choices.  I was WAITING for it all to at least become a little bit EASIER.

But here’s the truth, at least per my experience.  All of those things are great, but they don’t take away the cravings.  They don’t remove the urge to eat outside of my planned meal strategy for that day.  They don’t make keeping my weight where I like it any easier.  BUT….what they do is help me solidify my resolve, keep my confidence and sense of self-trust high, keep me motivated to confront these difficult challenges and STILL make the right choice, even if every cell of my being is momentarily screaming for a bag of cookies.

In other words, sometimes you’re going to have to white-knuckle it.  If you want both the emotional healing AND a body that’s fit and trim, you still have to deal with those challenges that are simply a normal reality of biology, genetics, and the human experience.  Just as our lungs always have a reserve of air in them, so too do we have a “reserve” of challenges that won’t go away completely, not for as long as we’re alive.

Ironically, it’s actually very freeing to arrive at this conclusion.  I don’t have to wonder if the existence of these things somehow points to the ED, or suggests I need to do “more work” in order to try to extinguish them.  I simply need to accept these realities, make my peace with them, and then flex that mental muscle every time I confront one of these challenges.  It may never get easier, but like everything, with repetition and time, I can get used to it.

I can live with that!  

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Lightbulb moment! I use my dinner to “decompress”!

This month has produced so many interesting realizations.  Initially I simply made it my goal that if I were to binge, I would limit myself to only the foods already in the house.  In other words, no special trips to the store, no purchases of normally “forbidden” options.  Doing this, I speculated, would remove some of the allure, knowing that all I’d be eating are those foods that are already part of my meal plan.  And indeed, it’s amazing how this helped diffuse the urges.  They’re still there, but for sure this helped calm down my eating.

Then I issued a challenge to myself, to pursue 90 days of “abstinence,” abstinence being, a break from bingeing altogether.  I felt I’d reached the point in which I was ready to tackle this, though I also knew that putting it out there would be risky.  90 days is a long time, and more over, the definition of “abstinence” can be massaged tremendously.  Nothing drives me crazier than when a person sets out to accomplish a goal, falls short of it, and rather than own up to it and maybe speculate on what went wrong or maybe whtether the goal was too ambitious or mismatched, they simply skirt the issue, give some general, “Well, at least I didn’t GAIN additional weight” or whatever.  Hey, the idea is to set goals and make an honest effort — and be honest with yourself, not to let things peeter out and avoid confronting the fizzle.  This is something I WON’T do on this blog.  What you read is what is happening.  You won’t see me back down or side step what has actually happened.  What’s the point?  Self-deception and denial are the fuel that keeps us in our current situations.  If you want to change you have to face both the triumphs and the discomforts of tripping.

Anyway, I have a whole lot to say with regard to those two challenges I’d issued myself.  Lots of progress, some stumbles, some imperfections.  But this has been a very different month from December, or really any period of time over the last several years.  It’s scary at times, because I’m not totally sure I like where this is taking me, but it’s also encouraging at times, as it certainly can suggest the opposite:  that I’ve stepped up to a new platform in my growth from my eating disorder.

In any event, the change of eating and restrictions in terms of binge behavior has led to a number of insights and realizations.  Last night (really, this morning) was one of them. 

I have to admit, a large factor in my eating choices has to do with calorie density.  What I mean is, I tend to try to choose foods that I enjoy, but that also provide the biggest “bang” (volume, for example) for the calorie “buck”.  Fruit, vegetables, popcorn, nonfat yogurt, sorbet, fish, fat-free cottage cheese, sugar-free jam, rice cakes, oatmeal.  You get the idea.  Don’t get me wrong, I also include olive oil (love to cook), dried fruit, sunflower seeds, rice (neither very low nor very high in calories), peanut butter, etc.  But by and large, I gravitate towards foods that both fill me up and take a long time to eat, while providing the minimum calories for that amount.  Among the foods I don’t tend to eat:  bread, butter, dry cereal, most meats (just don’t care for), potatoes, pasta, desserts, sugar, chips, crackers, cheese….you get the idea.  I also tend to shy away from certain fruits that, while tasty, are easy to overeat and are rather high in calories.  Grapes, for example, as much as I love them.  Bananas are about a 50/50; I’ll go through phases where I’m eating them constantly, then not at all.

Anyway, I know these aren’t exactly well-kept diet secrets.  I’m sure many people do this as it makes perfect sense.  Why not choose Food A over Food B if Food A is just as enjoyable as Food B, only with Food A you can eat more for the same calories?  Common sense.

But I discovered something REALLY interesting last night!

I had a good day yesterday overall.  Work went very well.  However, given my nature, I tend to get “wound up” by the end of the evening.  I work a job that demands long hours, usually quite late.  And as much as I adore my job, what ends up happening is I get so excited and jubilant as I work, by the end of my day I’m literally ready to run a 5K.  I can’t even listen to music en route home, settling instead for talk radio that I don’t even care for, just because I need to hear someone talking; I’m too wound up to concentrate/”relax” enough to listen to music, even though I normally LOVE listening to music.  This I’ve known about myself for many years.

And I’ve also known that part of the force that drives my binges is this very trait; I get wound up and it predisposes me to make impulsive, bad choices with my eating.  I can have my normal plan in place for the whole day, only to have some weird metamorphosis occur within those final two hours of the evening, leading to my making (almost always foolish) last-minute changes that almost always leads to disaster.

Knowing this about myself, I’d made some recent (as in, within the last 4 months or so) attempts to mitigate this effect.  Since I can’t seem to change the way I go about my work, my thought was, maybe there’s some intervening activity I can perform between driving home from work and arriving home for dinner.  Because once I’m home, it’s like this ticker clock goes off, and I can’t make my dinner fast enough.  So for a little while there, I was stopping off at the gym, not to exercise so much as to do other things:  sauna, sit in the Jacuzzi, stretch, sip some tea at the cafe, get a manicure, etc.  Just *something* to help diffuse my hyperactivity.  And lo and behold, it definitely helped.  I not only did better with my eating, I also loved these indulgences, began to look forward to them.

Admittedly, as the holidays approached I began to stop doing this.  Why?  Not sure, actually.  Without a doubt, it’s a bit exhausting.  My days are long and this additional activity demands its own extra effort.  At this time of the year especially (cold, snow, ice), it becomes more of a hassle.

Okay, so last night I had a good evening at work, but a few (normal) stresses as well.   I was doing okay with my eating this week — some issues, some of them scary, but overall well.  I had no reason to believe last night would be anything but a success in terms of my sticking to the meal plan.

So I got home, cooked my dinner, which was delicious.  Healthy, warm, nourishing.  I emerged very happy and content.

But then…. I kept going.  Oddly enough, I literally almost exactly repeated my day’s food.  In other words, nothing exotic, no treats, I had almost exactly the same foods I’d eaten on my meal plan yesterday.  Definitely well in excess of what my body needs (great….back to “damage conrol” mode), but not a single “woo hoo I’m eating this!” forbidden pleasure-type foods.  Vegetables.  Soup.  An Asian apple-pear.  Sugar-free dietetic mousse from a mix.  No out-of-control portions, though by the time I stopped it was definitely enough to cause a great deal of stomach distress.  I went to bad extremely angry at myself.  What the HELL?

It wasn’t until this morning that I realize what I do.

I use my dinner to decompress.

And last night….. I had more stress to “vent” than normal.  And guess what.  My dinner didn’t “last” long enough for the full decompression to take place.  Because it was weird, the impulse to eat more came out of nowhere.  It was as though I felt a certain let-down upon finishing my dinner, like, “But I’m not READY to be done with this yet!”  I didn’t feel hungry per se, just wanted to keep eating.  But I didn’t want to undo the progress I’d made this month or gain weight (well…at least not gain so much weight that I couldn’t get back on track quickly), so I fastidiously avoided any foods that would constitute my “treat” foods.  By keeping my foods within my “normal” options I avoided initiating that “what the hell, I’ve already eaten this, may as well go for the things I’ve been craving!” switch.  But still, I ate.  And well in excess of what I needed.  But I had no problem stopping long before I might normally have stopped with my “regular” binges.  So something was definitely different here.

And that’s when I realized this this morning.  I had more on my mind last night.  More “stuff” to release.  The safety valve was my dinner, only the safety valve was not opened for long enough to fully release the pressure that had built.  I had to re-open the valve and keep it open until all pressure had released.  I could then stop and relax, albeit now with a whole new stress in its place.

So here I sit, with a bloated stomach and this realization.  Which means I have to do something about this.

Clearly, I have to figure out how to release that steam, that built-up energy (which by the way is often positive, which makes it even worse as I feel like I’m truly abusing food for NO good reason!) in some other way.  Yes, I’ve become good at sitting with my emotions and not letting them sway me the way they used to.  And yes, I’m valuing my body and my sense of worth more than ever, which is one reason I made these challenges for myself this month.  But I don’t think any amount of recovery from the ED will negate the fact that I’m inclined to work myself up when I’m at work (or anything — I get excited and happy and sad and intensely passionate in so much of what I do).  I need some additional strategy to take that edge off of the pressure, so that dinner becomes the tail end of that unwinding process.

What to do?  Not sure yet.  I could resume my hit-the-gym-after-work routine, but I also need something I can do at home.  Last night, for example, would have been out of the question for that strategy as the temperatures dropped below zero, with windchills even worse.  I need to keep it practical and accessible enough that I’ll readily be able to follow through with it.

Got some brainstorming to do!

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“Those aren’t ‘weekday’ foods!”

Interesting thought processes since making my decision to aim for a 90 days of continuous “abstinent” (binge-free) eating.  I was at work yesterday, around lunchtime, ready to go use the fitness facility and get my workout in (we have a gym on-site — very convenient).  The sun was shining, pouring into the fitness center windows, seemingly “flushing” all the previous day’s shadows (we’d had lots of cloudy days lately) and brightening my mood as only the promise of fresh air and beautiful weather can.  I felt energized, almost as though this decision to “aim for 90” has freed my mind, allowing me to think about other things.  After all, if I’m not groppling about when my next cheat day is….why then, I can allow myself the pleasure of noticing those little joys that sometimes fall off my mind’s radar.  And it’s only Day 3!

But prior to descending into the gym, I walked the hallway past the company kitchen, where apparently someone was baking pizza for their lunch, as the unmistakable smell was wafting from the oven.  Oven as in, the regular oven, not oven as in, the microwave.  You know that fragrance of freshly baked crust?  It was that kind, not that “pretend crust that just got microwaved and is now either soggy or dry and hard as a rock.”  Forgive the tangent, but why bother to even try eating pizza if you’re subjecting yourself to such an unsatisfying taste and texture?  If you’re going to have pizza, even “healthy, low-fat” pizza, for pete’s sake, at least bake it the old-fashioned way (yes, I know those silvery microwavable “crisp disks” that come with frozen ‘zas do help….but no, I don’t find they help enough).

But I digress.  As I greedily inhaled the pizza’s aroma (hooray for pizzaroma?), I found myself experiencing a shift from how I’d normally react.  Normally, that nanosecond that follows would have been something like, “Mmmm.  Smells good.  Oh well, can’t have it.  Next!”  I never eat outside of my food plan during the day, and never eat stuff brought into the office.  Not treats, not catered foods.  Don’t need it, don’t want it.

But yesterday’s reaction was different.  It DID smell good.  I acknowledged that.  I also had no problem acknowledging that I’d have to wait until later, much later (as in, after work) before the next time I eat.  No problem, nothing new there.

But rather than feel a twinge of…..desire?….for the pizza, instead I found myself experiencing the spontaneous thought of, “THAT’S not ‘weekday’ food!”  Meaning, why would you eat something so heavy and dense (especially when compared with what you’re getting in terms of nutrients) in the middle of the week…..in the middle of the DAY….no less, when you have things like work and other tasks at hand?  It suddenly seemed so out of place.  Later, I had the same reaction upon watching a TV commercial for those Chunky soups (not the regular kind, the kind that is basically a casserole-in-can:  pasta with meatballs, for instance).  Understand, I don’t mean “sinful,” just….misplaced.  It would be like getting ready to run a 10K, only instead of having that bowl of oatmeal first thing that morning — something to fortify your body without causing any distress, you instead chose that moment to eat two pieces of your aunt’s “famous” fudge.  Or you’re about to go to a wine tasting of some rare Sauternes, and just beforehand you pull out a piece of grape Bubble Yum.  Do you see where I’m going?  You’re choosing a food that is entirely mismatched to the activities you’re embarking on; food that may even impede your full enjoyment of those activities.  Suddenly, to me it seems the only rightful foods to be eaten during the week are those that are nutritious but light — fruits, vegetables, yogurt, cottage cheese, clear-brothed soup….light foods that will leave you nourished but not weighed down (physically OR mentally).  I’m not even so much referring to calories as I am the complexity of the food.  Plain, peasant food is for the weekday.  Complex, decadent, rich, comfort foods — those are for the weekend, not only when you’re able to relax and not rush the digestion, but also so that you can more thoroughly ENJOY the food.  Can you really enjoy pizza fully if you’re wolfing it at your desk with the phone ringing and your mouse snaking up and down the memo you’re typing?  You may as well just do plain baked potato with a little black pepper, or a few sticks of string cheese and a small apple; you’ll derive no less enjoyment (quite possibly MORE) and you’ll do your body so much better!

It was just such an interesting and different mindset from the one I’ve been in for so long.  I don’t think it’s a completely new one; I think I’ve been “here” before.  And surprise surpise, when I have I seem to recall a much smoother era in my eating behavior, stress management, emotional navigation, etc.  What’s interesting too is that these things never seem to be something you can impose on yourself; at least, not so that it reaches “this” level.  It’s good to do plenty of self-talking, to help reinforce the path you want your mind to take.  But you still have to sit back and wait for your boat to finally float out of the fog.  And what’s amazing is how that fog can seem so thick and impenetrable one minute…..then all of a sudden it’s blown off, and you can see for miles.  The trouble is you just don’t know, when you’re in the fog, how close you are to that clearing, and I sometimes wonder if the more you zero in on worrying/wondering about that, the more you steer your boat deeper into the fog.

In any event, it’s nice to be enjoying some sudden clarity like this! 

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Early progress report on the 90: Off to a good start

I wanted to quick post that I’d actually made this decision (read the post) yesterday.  And I’m off to a good start (though the real test is yet to come), but what I wanted to mention an interesting phenomenon I’m noticing even now, at this early stage.

I have often used sporting events as my sources of reinforcement, that overriding task that demands that my eating remain clean and solid and binge-free.  And indeed, the minute I have, my choice of foods and how to structure my day becomes almost astoundingly clear.  When you know there’s no “cheating” you know precisely what to do to ensure you’ll remain well-fed, well-nourished, and satisfied enough to resist cravings.

Having made this 90-day challenge for myself, I’m finding the exact same thing happening.  Suddenly it’s clear what to do, what not to do, foods to eat, foods not to eat.  A positive sign, no question, but interesting too that it should happen so swiftly!  Let’s hope it sticks.

All uptalk aside, I do know I face a challenge ahead.  I will have to endure discomfort just like I do when I push myself to exercise.  We’ll see what happens!

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