As you probably have deduced, I’m not using or updating this blog very regularly these days (how’s that for a fancy way to say I’ve been completely MIA?). Truth be told, I find that my ability to benefit from such an outlet fluctuates; sometimes I do better by actually distancing myself from any focus — blogs, books, message boards, etc. — on anything that has to do with eating disorders or weight or food issues. By shifting my focus away from those things AND surrounding myself with a lifestyle and people who represent anything BUT those things, it’s almost as though I “forget” to have such issues. Sometimes I think there’s a danger in all this self-help via interacting (or lurking, anyway) with others, because doing so can “normalize” what is otherwise very unacceptable behavior, IMO. For example, certain behaviors or perceptions may not even OCCUR to me, yet in an environment in which people with weight or eating issues are discussing their problems/recovery, I may encounter individuals who engage in these things. And while at first I may read with a sense of detached curiosity, you read it often enough and suddenly it doesn’t seem so odd, and suddenly you find your own mind is actually absorbing some of these things, and it starts to pollute your own thinking. By cutting loose and instead only conversing with people who have never had eating issues, I remind myself what “normal/healthy” looks like. I realize my own version of “normal/healthy” may not ever be quite there — my history brings with it some realities that I ought not be naive enough to ignore. But who knows? Time does great things, and through repetition, it’s amazing how much a person can change, to where there’s not even a hint of a resemblence to their former self or way of thinking.
Ha ha, I’m making it sound like I’m desiring such a dramatic change! No. But do I think I benefit greatly from getting out of any “ED recovery” environment or mindset? Yes, absolutely. Where I’ll ultimately go….again, who knows?
Anyway, but I’d had a recent turn of events that threw me into a bit of turmoil. Happily, that turmoil is being resolved, but out of the crisis an interesting lesson was illuminated for me.
I have often lamented (tongue-in-cheek), particularly when I’ve prepared for my various athletic events, about how well nutritious eating “works.” Meaning, by golly, when I’m forced to eat absolutely cleanly for a long, unbroken stretch of time, usually because I’m training much more intensively and have ambitious goals for a given athletic event, I not only see the influence of properly chosen foods and supplements on my body and athletic performance, I also experience a remarkable, almost unbelievable, release from all my cravings. Whereas I normally can navigate the ebbs and surges of my appetite and cravings without too much problem — they’re there, but with good nutrition and other tools in place, I can ignore and/or work with them effectively, during these extra-clean eating times, it goes even beyond that; I literally lose the cravings. Eating my planned meals is effortless, I lose my hunger and yet have boundless energy. It’s not the most “fun” I’ve had with my eating — the foods are typically not the kind that hit people’s Top 10 list of favorite cheat items, but it feels a small sacrifice when compared with the reprieve it gives me from the daily challenge of appetite management. Why, you wonder, do I ever stray from such synchronicity? Like everything, little by little, I let “things” chip away at the oh-so-well-oiled-machine, and while my weight pretty much remains the same, I gradually find myself back to the usual m.o., which includes clean eating, just enough “non clean” eating to satisfy my perceived cravings and to stimulate some new cravings of their own, with willpower kicking in to keep things from moving in the direction of those cravings. I know, deep down, that if I bring myself back to that more simple eating arrangement, I will probably go back to a craving-free existence, but there’s a reluctance that’s hard to penetrate if I don’t have some overarching motivator, such as an athletic event to prepare for. Perhaps one of these days things will “stick” more than they have thus far.
With that in mind, recently I had experienced a “mysterious” weight gain. Now hear me out, I’m normally a person who rolls her eyes at the notion of “mysterious” weight gain. There’s no mystery; you took in more calories than you burned. Simple as that. And this, I believe, is still true. But considering I’m as vigilant as I’ve always been about weighing my food, measuring my food, tracking my daily calories, recording my food intake and my exercise…… the sudden (as in, over a couple of months’ time) weight gain and notable change of body composition truly had me baffled. By weight gain, I mean relatively small; about 5-6 pounds over my norm. But on my frame….it looked AWFUL! But worst of all, I just couldn’t find a good reason. If anything, my eating and exercise were even tighter than they were in the preceding 6-8 months. It was baffling and frightening. It took a long time for me to get to the level of management of my eating (and the ED) that I currently have, and the thought that I might have to make additional tweaks was overwhelming me. It didn’t help that I was emerging from one of the hardest and harshest winters our area has ever had. Clearly Seasonal Affective Disorder was a factor in my dispondence. And while the extra weight may not seem like a big deal, it was just enough to not only force me out of most of my clothes, but to feel….compromised. I know at what weight range I look irrefutably at my personal best, and this wasn’t it. I looked bloated, puffy, definitely imbalanced. I had been at this weight many years before, but back then it was somehow healthier, more fit, even if it still wasn’t my goal weight. This? It didn’t even look like me.
I’ll spare the details of how we finally figured out what the problem was — or at least, what we believe the problem was. Suffice it to say, we did resolve the problem, and I have taken most of the weight off. I’m now up by a pound or two and can expect the rest to fall into place soon enough.
But the “why” isn’t really the point here. My point is what I experienced while trying to deal with the mysterious problem. Because I had no idea what was going on, only that I was gaining weight mysteriously, one of the changes I had to make was to further shore up my eating. I needed to make certain that I was truly being accurate in my intake and consistent in staying within my allocated caloric boundaries. I also figured that darn it, if I was gaining weight now, while eating so cleanly, there was no telling what awful consequence would befall me if I dared stray from my eating plan. So no cheats. For a long time.
And that is why I make this post. Because admittedly, as I have referenced before, I had become accustomed, over the years, to a management strategy whereby I would eat cleanly and exercise regularly, enough so that my metabolism could handle a (usually) once-a-week cheat. Good enough, except that these cheats were often quite grand in scale — cookies, pizza, cheese, chocolate, eaten to the point of discomfort. It’s been hard to curtail this one remnant of my ED (which at times didn’t look particularly ED’d, more just the kind of nibble fest people often experience on a Saturday night), as it would often take a good 2-3 days for me to feel recovered from the consequences of my splurge. And while I didn’t always turn to such decadence on a weekly basis, I would still allow at least 2 days each week in which I’d eat way, way more than my body needed of even “healthy” food, such as trail mix or apples or sugar-free pudding. And while my weight somehow remained consistent despite these occasional flights of fancy, the cycle of dealing with the added quantity of food on my gastrointestinal tract….the distress it would cause….was awful. Part of my challenge over these last several months has been to work on lessening the severity. I say “lessen the severity” because I don’t necessarily think I can nor should abolish these occasional deviations from my food plan. But of course, there’s a huge difference between having an extra helping of a treat food or cooking a particular recipe in its “full fat” version but otherwise leave the day’s eating the same….vs. what I was doing, which definitely went beyond where it should be. But….old habits die hard. Choose your poison, and all of that.
So imagine the unexpected “gift” this recent dilemma gave to me. For while I was decidedly unhappy with my situation — that is, I was annoyed with what was happening to my body and consumed about trying to figure out what the heck was going on, I found myself, on a particularly difficult day, taking note of one shining light: the serenity of being away from bingeing. Because of my body’s apparant rebellion, I had vigilantly kept myself away from eating outside of my meal plan, and for a long stretch of time. In this case, it had been weeks since I’d last strayed, and prior to that stumble, a few additional weeks still. Altogether, I had had almost a couple of months without bingeing (my term for those Saturday and/or weeknight cheats), and I have to tell you….. it was wonderful. While I was still struggling to find outfits that fit me, I could at least feel the serenity that comes when the body hasn’t been inundated with excess food. My mind was cleaerer, my energy levels more even, my digestive tract at relative peace.
Well, happily, the few changes that I felt were needed, that I felt may provide the relief my body needed from what appeared to be going on….did finally start to take effect. I began to see “my” body re-emerge, which was a huge relief, indeed. I had a few athletic events come and go as well during that time, and found the problem to be almost 100% resolved.
So you know what happened next. Of course! Problem solved, success at my athletic events, which means it must be time to celebrate! Mind you, I’m not out of the woods yet, especially since the whole point is to bring myself back to where I normally MAINTAIN myself, not just some bottom-end extreme from which I can then promptly rebound. But sure enough, at the first opportunity (read: where I had a day of down time afterward, allowing me to become cave-dweller and digest quietly out of the radar of most humanity), I merrily high-tailed it to the store, picking out all the sugar-fat-kitchen-sink delights I had so steadfastilly kept myself away from for so long. It was almost head-spinning — literally — to experience these foods again, like switching on a bunch of neuro-receptors that had become dormant (not unlike what I imagine it’s like to smoke a cigarette after having quit for a while). A couple of hours and a distended belly later, I couldn’t believe I had once again let myself fall into that bizarre, pre-binge amnesia, where I seem to forget how truly horrible the aftermath is — much more horrible than any pleasure obtained from the taste of the food.
So okay, a trip, stumble and fall. It happens. Move on. Only…. I’ve had a couple more since. So now I’m back to shoring up my eating and be more guarded on what behaviors and foods I allow over the next week or so. Having had some blissful reprieve from my last binge, I can once again taste that serenity that I recently experienced, and I’m anxious to return to that place more solidly. It’s fresh in my mind, and I’m grateful to have been, albeit through strange circumstances, forced to rout out some remnant destructive behaviors so as to let me catch a glimpse of it! I don’t want to forget it anytime soon. Talk about realizing how ready I am to be rid of those remnants, once and for all!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 