Well, I knew for a while now. As I’ve said in my “A little bit about this blog” page, I don’t fit the mold of the typical eating disorder, at least not based on the posters I encounter when surfing for message boards. As much as I’m okay with tackling this thing (by and large) by myself, it would be nice to find people who are in my situation, my situation being that I keep my weight within “normal” ranges, I binge but don’t purge, I otherwise keep myself on a diet that works well for me, I am happy, with a successful career and no “smoking gun” in my history to speak of (i.e. never abused, no sexual abuse or rape, no major traumas, parents didn’t divorce, no addicts or alcoholics, etc. etc. etc.). Honestly, I just think for the most part my situation can be summed up as, I’m an intense, Type A personality who has used the crutch of binge-eating (and subsequent recovery measures to minimize the damage to my body) as a stress-release valve for many years, so that by now it’s a firmly entrenched habit. When I let certain aspects of my personality run amok, the bulimia flares up. When I proactively manage my personality and take steps I know to be uniquely helpful to me, the behavior fades greatly. But not being willing to completely let go of the security blanket of maintaining my fit body under my current program/approach, I realistically have assessed that I probably won’t be fully rid of all remnants of an eating disorder anytime soon.
OK, so that’s where I’m at. And finding others whose situations are similar is like finding a needle in a haystack. I don’t know if perhaps there are many of you out there and it’s just not PC to talk about eating disorders this way, or if I’m in a category all by myself. Either way, I’m having a harder and harder time extracting any points I can relate to on most message boards, and it’s irritating me.
But perhaps the final straw came the other day, as I lurked one of the few boards I have visited semi-regularly over the years. The host website, which offers a number of different message boards covering different eating disorders and related topics (there’s one for bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating, etc.) recently added an advanced recovery message board, for those who have reached such a point in their progress. Great! Thinks I. Perhaps this will offer something more than the “same old same old” posts I see popping up on the bulimia and compulsive overeating boards (I must admit, what I often see on these boards are people who spend way too much time analyzing themselves to death, without taking the steps to actually physically make changes in their behavior — the proverbial “sh** or get off the pot” dilemma).
And sure enough, there have been some interesting posts from women who are recovered to the point that you can detect their multi-dimensions. It’s so good to see, as I hate the notion that your eating disorder (“ED”) is all that defines you. I like to keep “ED” in its rightful place, which is to say well below the scope of my other interests.
Anyway, I was excited to read a poster start a thread about their favorite foods. One of the respondents said she bought some goat cheese, and roasted it with portobello mushrooms. Some other mentions included a salad of salmon, mustard, and greens; good quality yogurt, and mangoes. I found myself feeling happy at the celebration of good food, the pleasures of taking the time to prepare a flavorful meal — especially since these were neither the kinds of foods one would associate with common cravings or “over the top” decadence (i.e. sugar, butter, cream), but nor were they foods that immediately screamed “diet!” (fat-free cottage cheese, butter spray, egg whites, etc.). Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those extremes, but the fact that people were talking about those foods that fall between the two…..made me smile. Eating disorders are so often about seeking two different extremes and ignoring the vast world of delicious foods in the middle of all of that. To see this exploration of that very “middle ground” was energizing, encouraging…..and gosh, it made me hungry — but in a good, happy way!
Well, it came to a crushing halt when the moderator came in and said that mention of specific foods was still specifically forbidden, so the only way she would keep the thread open is if people shifted to discussing their FEELINGS surrounding their favorite foods. Otherwise the thread would have to be yanked.
OK. I GET that there are people who are still in a very fragile state with their ED. I’ve been there, I understand. And indeed, this website is very protective of not allowing anything that could be triggering to individuals, to provide a safe place to discuss these issues. I get that too. But this is an ADVANCED RECOVERY message board. Why create it if you’re not going to allow more latitude with people who are at a point where they can start integrating certain “normal, non-eating-disorder” behaviors and thoughts with their current recovery program? If anything, it seems the perfect place to allow this. After all, sooner or later we (“we” being people with ED’s) have to deal with the real, outside world; we have to navigate our day and learn how to weather the stresses and bumps and joyful moments and mean people and all that comes with life without turning to behaviors we wish to keep out of our lives. What better way to prove that you’re making progress with this than to talk about happy, normal things with a group of others who are in the unique position to know exactly what you’re going through, because they’ve been through the same thing? If there are people who worry about feeling triggered at such threads, well guess what, they’re not ready to participate in or read the advanced recovery board! Are we not all adults who should ultimately be the ones to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and where we put ourselves?
Anyway, that’s when I knew I was done. I’m sorry, I don’t want to live in a world where you can’t be dealing privately with your eating disorder and still happily talk about the joy of your favorite recipes, maybe exchange some so that others can share in your joy. That’s NOT the way I wish to heal my bulimia! Suppose I never am rid of it? Suppose I put such things as talking about recipes on hold for all those years, when I could have instead at least enjoyed myself while still working on my private struggles?
So….in the spirit of working on my own path to healthy living without avoiding all potential “scary” triggers, I offer you The Best Winter Stew Recipe Ever!
The Best Winter Stew Recipe Ever
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1-1/2 Tablespoons olive oil
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1 can pumpkin
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1 14-oz. can chopped tomatoes
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1 onion, halved and then coarsely sliced
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1 small zucchini, chopped
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1 small yellow squash, chopped
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1 portobello mushroom, chopped
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2 cloves of fresh garlic, finely chopped
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1-inch cube fresh ginger, chopped
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1 cup vegetable broth (canned or a reconsituted bouillon cube)
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1 cup dry pasta (I like to use pappardelle, just because)
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1-2 ounces good quality parmesan cheese, freshly grated (don’t even think about buying the kind in a shaker!)
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About 4-6 fresh basil leaves, chopped
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Salt and pepper to taste
In a large soup pot, heat 1/2 Tablespoon of the olive oil, and saute the onion with a little salt until it begins to soften. Add the mushrooms and some black pepper and cook for another minute or two. Add the ginger and garlic, and keep stirring to avoid burning the garlic. Add the zucchini and yellow squash and another 1/2 Tablespoon of olive oil, and cook until the zucchini starts to soften (I usually go about 5-6 minutes, but your miles may vary). Add the pumpkin and the final 1/2 Tablespoon olive oil, and stir for a minute or two. Add the tomatoes, the dry pasta, and the vegetable broth. Mix well and bring to a boil over medium-high heat (stew will be thick, but add a little more water or broth if you find it needs to be thinned out a bit). Once it boils, reduce to low/medium heat and cover, and simmer for around 10 minutes or until pasta is cooked. Remove from heat, add the basil and the cheese and stir well. Add additional salt and/or pepper if desired.
Makes 4 generous servings or 6 smaller portions
Enjoy!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 