Abstinence during the holidays: The best gift of all

I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas!  What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in.  Knock on wood, life has been good.

This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year:  Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year.  It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?”  I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries.  Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought?  We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them.  Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.”  What a miracle this is!

What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all!  I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly.  I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.

Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process.  I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life.  Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater!  But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways.  Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling.  Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.”  Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else.  If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought.  I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare.  My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it. 

Even so, I know better than to let my guard down.  If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program.  I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind:  “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”

I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time.  I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return.  I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful.  I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc.  The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits.  I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry.  I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body.  My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that. 

So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back.  When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point.  But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently.  There’s hope, hang in there!

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Praying to a Higher Power — I’m feeling it!

My previous post proposed that there’s some je-ne-sais-quoi “magic” involved with taking action.  I wouldn’t have believed such a claim if I hadn’t experienced it first-hand, and now I’m gaining some similar insight to the fruitfulness of praying to my Higher Power.  It don’t know what it is, though I love musing about possible explanations (more on that in a minute), but there truly seems to be something powerful at work when I genuinely ask for help from my HP, whether it’s clarification for my HP’s will and my ability to carry it out or something less lofty, like please help me do a phenomenal job at work today, but I tell you, it does seem to make a difference.

I can feel the skepicism even as I type this — and some of that is from me, even!  So here’s one of my current explanations as to why the above is TRUE and what may be behind it.  My current understanding of a Higher Power is one that is both outside of me AND inside of me.  I believe that when I make choices and take actions that are loving — to myself and to others, that that’s the HP inside of me steering those actions.  I believe this is something we each have, and that it’s all part of the “bigger picture” HP.  So when we witness those acts of incredible kindness, the kind that restore our faith in humanity, to me that’s HP in action, including the HP that’s inside that person.

So here’s my current thought:  If I’m asking for something that’s “bigger than me” — such as, “Please help this situation to unfold in the way that’s best for all parties,” to me that’s an appeal to the “bigger picture” HP, the one that controls the flow of the river, and my goal is to then watch for signs of guidance, and the way I’m supposed to behave to help that process unfold.  So it does “work,” but the outcome may look very different from what my mind may have conjured up, and I still have to do my part in taking the next indicated actions — and be willing to let go of the results.  But if I’m asking for help in a way that involves my own behavior — “Help me to use my tools and follow my plan of eating today,” I believe that prayer is “heard” on some level by the HP inside of me, and that it’s so subconscious, that once I let go of the prayer, I don’t even realize all the subtle little changes that are going in internally to help ensure I do indeed follow through as planned.

Meaningless musings, no doubt, but whatever is going on, I’m satisfied that something is happening that is outside of the coincidental.  That’s good enough for me!

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There’s something magic in taking action

I’m getting to the point in my recovery in which I’m starting to see what speakers mean when they talk about that “I can’t put my finger on it” factor that causes certain things to “work” in recovery.  I can’t tell you how many times I had heard the various suggestions, whether they be to pray or to spend some time each morning reading some literature or remaining in regular contact with a sponsor or writing down what you plan to eat or….you get the idea….and wondered how could it help?  Or put it this way, how could it help in the way the person described, which is to say, to either stop a trigger in its path or help one to not want to eat compulsively in the first place?  Especially with my eating history:  I certainly have been a veteran of variations of those kinds of actions over the years, and although I will agree that vigilance in certain areas have undoubtedly helped me (if not for my food and exercise journals, daily calorie counting, weighing and measuring my food, I know I would have escalated to much higher, unchecked amounts of food in my regular eating and found myself in an even worse situation than I already was), I can’t say I had experienced the kind of “Eureka, it works!” effect that they were describing.

But being I was experiencing some small success in my program, and given the many different ideas offered up by speakers — including ones that didn’t seem so scary to me and in fact sounded appealing, something in me said hey, why not try it.  What’s the worst that can happen?  You discover no change.

Did I instantly feel a change?  Not really.  But it’s amazing how these things build on themselves.  One small change — for example, a commitment to make the bed every day — led to another, such as making sure I give myself the gift of a soothing shower at least once a day.  Time was set aside to read literature daily, and to allocate the time/option to write, when needed.  I made sure to stay in touch with my sponsor, and to stay in touch with myself, to stay honest about what I’m eating and what’s best left off the menu right now.  I began communicating with my Higher Power, which at first felt a bit esoteric, but eventually I found ways to find an authentic means of interacting with a Higher Power of my understanding.  Brick by brick.

And all I can say is, it does work.  I’m increasingly convinced that one way it works is because it’s not necessarily the action in itself (though sometimes I think it is), but the fact that I’m DOING it shows a willingness for me to change.  I’m taking an action toward behaving differently, rather than just endlessly “hoping” or “willing myself” into a desired behavior.  Could it also be a sense of self esteem?  That is, by taking these actions, I feel better about myself, and the desire to hurt my body with food it doesn’t need is diminished if not even repellent?  Maybe.

But that’s kind of my point:  I think the whole thing is counterintuitive.  You just can’t comprehend in advance how it is that this action, whatever it is, is somehow going to be of help.  Perhaps that’s part of the disease — the inability to appreciate what such actions can do for you.  I don’t know.  All I know is, if I go ahead and take the action anyway, regardless of whether I think it will help or how I think it will help, by golly, it helps!  And it usually appears to have helped for an entirely different reason than I would have assumed.

Here’s an example:  I’m on my way home from my work.  It’s quite late, and I still haven’t had dinner yet.  I love this job, but it stresses me.  By the time the day is done, even if I’ve had a great day, I’m keyed up.  In fact, if anything, the better the day went, the more hyper I am, which means the more I can be triggered into trying to alleviate that excess emotion with food.  I feel my throat tightening, and I’m feeling increasingly convinced that the meal I have planned for myself, that only hours ago was something I was genuinely excited about, is not going to be enough.  I arrive home feeling ravenous — partly genuinely so, as I’m long overdue for a meal (unfortunately, certain of my work days are just set up that day, I can’t change that).  On top of that, it’s not long before bedtime, so I’m also tired.  It’s as though my recovery immune system is weakened, which is like putting the welcome mat out for my eating disorder to strike.

Ah, but I now have a tool that’s served me well.  The shower.  I have already made plans to take a nice, long shower after work.  This will help calm me down, and it’s also a pleasure that soothes me in a way that’s very similar to what food used to do.  After my shower, I’m planning to lie down quietly for 2 minutes or so, eyes closed, to decompress one step further.  THEN I will calmly, slowly, prepare my meal.

In the old days, I guarantee you, those plans would have gone out the door.  I’d have made some excuse to myself as to why it’s not going to work anyway, and besides, it’s already late, I really need to eat, I deserve to eat, blah blah blah.  And gee, suprise surprise, the unpleasant but predictable outcome would have come about, like clockwork.  Another awful night.

But now, even if I have those voices (though they’re much quieter these days) trying to talk me out of those “pointless” strategies, I now know better than to listen.  I ignore the voices, and even as I honestly believe at that moment that it’s not going to “work,” I go through with the plans for my shower, anyway.  That’s my commitment, I tell myself.  My job is to take the action, let HP take over from there, and let go of the outcome.

And I tell you, something happens right about the middle of the shower.  Suddenly, those voices fade.  I don’t usually notice when it’s happening, only when suddenly I realize that several minutes have gone by and the urge is gone!  Suddenly I’m smelling the fragrance of my soap, I’m feeling the warm water cascading over my body, feeling comforted and enveloped in this safe cocoon.  Stepping out of the shower and into my fluffy robe, my mind is quiet, the way one feels when they’re humming to themselves while performing some task.  After lying on my back as scheduled, I take a deep breath and proceed to take my time in my dinner preparation.  This can sometimes be a hard transition, as by now I do have genuine hunger and it can leave me feeling impatient to eat.  But if I keep relaxed and take my time, do a meticulous job in pulling out my utensils and ingredients and turning on something nice as background sound, I soon find myself relaxing back into the “zone.”  99% of the time, the meal proceeds as planned, the rest of the night goes lovingly, and I’m nearly tearful with gratitude as I go to bed and feel my body lulling itself to sleep with a comfortable stomach.

I’m not hear to say that this measure is foolproof, or that this one measure alone is what thwarts the lurking problem.  On the contrary, I know I cannot become so complacent, and I do believe that it’s probably more an accumulation of many more actions than just this one that leads to the outcome I’ve described.  But what I am saying is, I could not have predicted that these kind of actions would help me with my disease, nor can I tell you exactly WHY they help.  Why does the shower seem to do the trick, and not the drive home while listening to a favorite radio show?  Why do I seem to get better recovery when I’m regularly praying to my HP?  Why is staying cognizant of the steps, and continuing to work them a factor in keeping me in my recovery?  It defies my mind’s ability to understand or explain.

So yes, I can only chalk it up to…..there’s some magic going on here.

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My Higher Power: The recharger; inside me, the battery

I’ve been thinking (some more) about the concept of powerlessness.  Amazing how one word can prompt so much semantical analysis.  It is the word of choice in the first step of 12-step programs, i.e. “We admitted we were powerless over <fill in the blank>…”  I used to wonder if my constant musing about the word had to do with trying to find a way to sidestep that reality, like, “Well no, I’m not powerless per se, at least not in such a sweeping way, more like only in specific circumstances, or with certain foods at certain times…”  I worried that suggesting, no less embracing, the notion that I’m powerless would remove that sense of self-efficacy that I still believe is innate in all of us.  Sure, once something becomes a well-entrenched habit, the means of ceasing that behavior is (usually) no longer as simple as “Just Say No,” but to suggest that when people overcome addictions or bad habits it’s done 100% through a force outside of themselves…..I disagree with that.  Even if you subscribe to the idea that you’re tapping your Higher Power (or God, or whatever you call he/she/it) — which as of this writing I do, to me it’s not that you were entirely helpless and stepped aside and let HP take over the wheel; rather, it’s that you let your HP “in,” or you somehow found your own inner resource — your HP within, so to speak, which I believe to be part of the entirety of HP, and let it bubble up to accomplish things that just your ego/immature self could never to by themselves.

But I no longer believe all of this ongoing contemplation is out of desire to avoid admitting to powerlessness.  At least, if it was it’s not the case now.  More, it’s that I want to help myself understand powerlessness in how it specifically applies/manifests  itself for ME.  I feel the more I can wrap my head around what that specifically MEANS for me, the more I can understand and better make use of steps 2 and 3, which have to do with believing that my HP can help and being willing to receive that help.

So here’s my current thought on it:  To me it’s like a product that has a rechargeable battery inside.  A tape player, for example.  I don’t know if this is still the case, but every cassette player I ever had would indicate a need for new batteries by no longer putting out as much volume, or slowing down the music.  Eventually, of course, it would stop working altogether.

To me, that’s kind of how I see myself on the subject of food and my HP.  I believe that remaining in an immature mindset for the duration of my life would leave me ill-prepared to maintain a sustainable management of my eating, certainly not so that my life (and I) could continue to grow.  I believe that connecting with my HP is largely a means of reigniting that internal HP flame inside me, to help me have the wisdom of understanding the “big picture” of honest, accountable eating and not just “how many calories can I get away with eating and not gain weight today.”  The latter is very juvenile, the kind of overtly simplistic thinking and rebelliousness that may be excusable/useful when we’re in Jr. High and don’t know any better, but you just can’t build a responsible, rich, adult life if you remain rooted in that motivation.  I am increasingly understanding how much of my adult life has been spent with me stuck in that superficial diet mentality.  I do believe my first awakening from that occurred 6 years ago (I even know the date), when I had that Ah-HAH that no matter how “good” what I’m doing looks on paper, the body doesn’t care or lie.  It knows if what you ate exceeded your needs and it will respond accordingly.  I realized that to build a sustainable lifestyle and body that I’m comfortable living with, I would have to shift my thinking and adopt a more honest and personalized approach to my eating.  That’s when I lost whatever weight that needed to be taken off, and the journey began.

So indeed, I *AM* powerlessness over food…..when I have allowed my battery to go uncharged.  But using the tools, reconnecting and repeatedly connecting to my Higher Power, taking the actions needed to accommodate my unique frailties….all of that serves to charge my internal Higher Power battery, and with those things I am powerFUL.

I’d like to think I’ve finally put that analysis to rest in my head, but something tells me I’ll find yet another reason to ponder about it!

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