The Mighty Pull of the Habitual Comfort Zone

I’ve been having quite a nice summer (notice I’m not putting that in the past tense, because I’m in DENIAL that the warm weather season is coming to an end!), some ups and downs but overall I feel good about my ongoing growth.  I hate to frame this in terms of weight — life is so much more than just that, but given the theme of this blog, I will go ahead and report that my weight has been generally “steady” to “good,” meaning I’ve been probably 1-3 pounds above where I like my weight during the course of the season.  One wonders what psychological mechanism (and it has to be that) keeps me from crossing that invisible barrier (my working theory is that the brain likes the path of least resistence, and as long as it sees me within a stone’s throw distance from my “fighting weight,” it decides it’s safe and okay to allow me some leeway that day), but I hope that barrier is finally crossed again soon.

Which brings me to today’s topic.  There came a point this summer in which I had one of my infamous “house cleanings,” lifestyle-wise.  I need these every now and then; I reach a point in which I’ve become stagnant in certain choices of foods, of articles I read, of things I listen to, etc., and must abruptly switch gears because all these things seem to be doing is reinforcing my struggle.  So I strip them away and go back to some reliable basics, and almost inevitably see myself returning to “myself.”  And right or wrong, one of the ways I monitor this progress back to “myself” is via my naked body checks.  You know what I mean.  First thing in the morning, give the careful once over, up and down, assess leanness, shape, muscles, etc.  Yes the scale is sometimes used, but by now I know about where those numbers probably are based on certain visual criteria, so the intense body scruitiny remains my measurement device of choice.

So with some of these changes came the results I was hoping for, and I must admit a relief upon seeing them!  I think I’ve said this before, but the way I describe how I feel/behave when my weight is in place is, I can relax and get my mind onto other things.  Ironically, as much as this morning “assessment ritual” seems counterintuitive to obsession-free conduct, that’s in fact exactly what happens; if my body meets my hopes and expectations upon that first checkpoint, I can let go and NOT think about it for the rest of the day.  If, on the other hand, I awaken with a bloated stomach or a body that clearly reflects some recent “exceeding my caloric needs” days….my clothes don’t fit the same and I feel as though I’m already entering the day compromised, like no matter what I do or how well I perform work-wise, it can’t add up to 100%.  It may seem a harsh way to operate but it’s how I stay on top of myself (sad to say, the call of junk food is still quite loud at times, even as I know I don’t even like some of those things anymore).

OK, so I shook things up, made some changes, and got back to a place that I feel good about this summer.  Only problem:  This was shortly followed by 1) an extended business trip, 2) a personal vacation with my husband, 3) a temporary change in my work schedule, 4) some social events with people who matter very much to me.  These occurrences, while positive — every one of them, would have been challenging enough (on the eating habits) under any circumstances, but making matters harder, they all fell very shortly after I’d initiated my latest lifestyle changes, before (apparently) they’d had the chance to displace the old habits and become my new “default” setting.  So predictably, once I emerged from all the turmoil entailed from working with each of these events……I found myself stepping back not to the more positive habits I had planted shortly before, but the old habits I had successfully shed.  Worse, it took a little while to realize this had happened!

So let this be a lesson to all of us:  beware the comfort zone you build for yourself, for in times of discombobulation (even the good kind), this is what you’re likely to turn back to.  I am now working to rebuild my “new and improved” habits from before all of the above took place, and I’m afraid I don’t have a crystal-clear memory of my state of mind from then; I’m having, essentially, to start from scratch and reset my mindset all over again.   I appear to be succeeding, but it’s slow.  My main goal now is to keep building these new habits, and to do so over a long enough period so as to make this mode of action the “norm,” lest I find myself thrown out of my routine and in need of returning to the familiar.  Let’s hope “this” is what becomes “familiar”!

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Changing my blog name and my tagline

Change.  One of the best words of advice I have ever received was that in order to be successful in life — and to be happy, you have to be willing to change, and to change constantly.  That’s something that didn’t come naturally to me.  I’ve had to work on not only accepting change, but also in engineering it (i.e. recognizing when the time has come, and putting it into motion), but in doing so, I can concur that I’m so much happier as a result.

With that in mind, if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll notice a change.  If you haven’t, it’s probably good to at least have this full disclosure.

I started this blog about two months ago, and called it “The Part-time Bulimic,” with the tagline Because I hate the word ‘recovering’.  I chose the two for a couple of reasons.  One, because my ED, if I even still have one, had dwindled over the years to the point where it didn’t technically fit any clinical definition.  But I couldn’t deny that some undesired behaviors still remained, and being one who values authenticity and transparency (I despise the notion of deluding oneself, especially with semantics), I wanted some way to acknowledge these behaviors, since much of my posts would be focused around dealing with eating issues.  As for the tagline….. I still find the word “recovering” a bit odd.  To me, life entails many struggles and behaviors — not just food or weight-related — that we aren’t happy with, yet we don’t call our growth or improvement from these things “recovery” or “recovering.”  Why should eating behaviors be any different?  To me, it all umbrellas under the process of learning, healing, seeking, maturing, etc. that defines the human experience.

But right or wrong, there aren’t a whole lot of alternative words to indicate that a behavior has either ended or there’s at least an effort underway to stop it (or manage it or minimize it or <insert comparable verbs here>.

So… “Recovering” it is.  I’m now the “Recovering Part-time Bulimic.”  Truthfully, the more accurate title would be “FORMER Part-time Bulimic,” but right or wrong, I feel like I’d be naively testing the fates if I were to make such a bold declaration.  Let’s hope the word “former” continues to apply even if it never officially becomes part of my title!

As for the “Working on it!”…..that’s because I am.  And more over, I’m experiencing success at it.  I don’t want to imply that I’m somehow “settling” into my ways and not making an effort to rout out behaviors that are either destructive or useless or just plain outdated.

On the other hand, I stand by my appraisal that I will always be “different” in my approach to eating, exercise and lifestyle.  I can’t say what all contributes to this reality.  I actually don’t think this is ED-related; or if it is, the ED history is simply part of what factors in here.  I suspect that it’s a composite of my personality type, my upbringing and life experiences, my genetics, my goals and priorities in life, environmental factors, and of course, certain habits and preferences (either deep-seated or evolutional).  But maybe it’s only some of these things, maybe it’s something else.

But I’m reaching the point in which I really don’t care WHAT causes me to be different.  All I know is I am, and that’s okay.  The good news is, I don’t need to know what fuels the way I am.  I know my frailties, I know my strengths, and I know how to manage both.  I accept that there will need to be deliberate efforts on my part to keep myself where I wish to be, both in terms of my health and in terms of my life goals and values.

And I know that the process of healing and recovery is ongoing.  I acknowledge that there’s always work to be done, no matter how much progress you make.  But whereas at one time I felt frustrated at this — just when you think you’re about to reach the summit, surprise! there’s another stretch of uphill trail that you couldn’t see from further below, I now embrace it.  To be “working on it” is to be alive.  I’m learning to enjoy the view as every climb is its own summit!

So there you go!  Now you know what prompted this CHANGE (forgive the all caps, I’m still reveling in my learning to embrace it).

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HUGE key to success: It’s easier to STAY on the wagon than to get back on if you fall off

Quick update if only to crystalize this Ah-HAH that’s in my brain.

Yeah, you can probably file this one under the “duh” category.  But to “know” something…..and to somehow have it “click” into place are often two entirely different brain processes.  I believe I’ve finally just experienced the latter with this.

I’ve been in conversation with people who have lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for the long haul.  I’ve never been more than what most might call “vanity pounds” above the weight I prefer to keep myself at, so while I do have insight as to how to lose and successfully maintain/manage one’s weight, talking with folks who once weighed 50, 60, 80 or 100 pounds or more over their optimal weight is a good reminder to me that I still have plenty to learn from others.  Sure, we all have the shared experience of having to change our lifestyle — our eating, our exercise, etc. — for the sake of managing our weight.  But sometimes there are lessons that I overlook, words of wisdom that I “forget” yet may still resonate very much with me, that people in this position can offer as important reminders.

One such lesson — more a reminder of what I already know — is the importance of fiercely adhering to whatever is working for you, whatever program or approach or combination of eating and exercise strategies you have adopted.  Common sense, of course, but the overarching reason is not necessarily what you think.

Let’s face it.  The crux of why people get frustrated when they seem forever “stuck” at the starting gate with weight loss….is because for whatever reason, they have not reached the point in which they’re mentally fully ready to accept the change of lifestyle needed to lose and maintain their weight from where they’re currently at.  We hear testimonials all the time regarding various weight loss programs; comments from successful “losers” who proudly proclaim that they’d tried every other diet out there, but only once they tried This One did the pounds come off.  The implication being that This One is the better program; the rest are useless.

But we know better.  The truth is, the person could have put themselves on the 3 Snickers Bars A Day diet, or the McDonald’s Coffee and Salad Diet, or the Lean Cuisine for Breakfast, Special K for Dinner diet.  The bottom line is, they were READY to take on the hardships required to adhere to the change of lifestyle long-term.  That’s all.  No magic, no superior program.  They were ready to change.

It explains why people who do lose weight successfully on a sound, healthy program (Weight Watchers, just for an example), maybe even keep it off for a little while, only to regain the weight…..struggle miserably at getting back on that same program, even if they insist that they enjoyed the program the first time around and never felt better than when on the program.  The spark of inspiration — which at times can seem as elusive as getting the planets all in alignment — was lit the first time around for them; but sadly, not the second.

And worse, it’s hard to say what specifically causes that spark to ignite.  How many of us have had false starts before things finally “clicked”?  Probably most, if not all of us.  What makes it happen finally?  Hard to say.

But that’s the point of this post.  What I’m realizing, both in myself and in talking with these people who have lost — and maintained — a great deal of weight, is that it’s FAR easier to “stay on the wagon” once you’re on it….than to get yourself back on if you fall off.  In other words, once you’re on it, do EVERYTHING in your power to cling on for dear life when you go over those bumps in the road.  Even if you THINK the danger has passed, you are no longer vulnerable to the triggers or cravings or <insert whatever factors here> that threatened your derailment (or led to derailment) before, stay vigilant.  Even if the road gets so rough that to keep yourself in your healthy behaviors is a royal pain in the neck, feeling almost impossible at times, even if it makes no “sense” to keep certain rules in place, even if you feel you “deserve” to cut yourself a break…just a short break….stick to your guns.  Stay the course.  You may not realize you’ll be happier for it, but you will be.  Sadly, we can be woefully amnesic about fully comprehending our vulnerabilities when we’re being seduced by our personal cryptonite.  But the bottom line is, no matter what, once that rough road passes, you’ll have a much easier — saner — time getting yourself back to a state of balance than you would if you’d allowed yourself to tumble off that wagon, thinking “That’s okay, I’ll just run back up and jump back on.”  Oh, if only it were so easy!  You just don’t know when that spark of readiness will strike again.  I dare say, if we look at our lives as a whole, these moments of readiness happen very sparsely.  This holds true for our eating, our careers, our relationships, our creativity with right-brain activities, etc.  There’s a reason they say to writers and artists that when the muse hits, run with it, because there’s no telling when it will hit again.  I suspect the same is true for weight loss and lifestyle.  Once you’re rolling, you can fight the good fight to stay on track, but it still pales in comparison to falling off track and then struggling to get back on again.

It is, this little revelation, the one instance in which I can understand the mentality of OA:  the idea that it’s far easier to resist that first bite of your non-abstinent food, or that first foray into non-abstinent behavior, than to break your abstinence and have to start from scratch.  You wouldn’t think that falling off “just once” could bring you back to scratch, and maybe some stumbles won’t.  But who wants to take that chance?  Best to not get complacent and put yourself in the position to find out the answer to that.

In my case, it means I have to re-commit to certain realities of my own wellness program.  In more specific terms, it means I have to keep my choices narrow, I have to keep certain foods out of my menu altogether, and I have to not let myself forget certain realities of meal timing that, while not a problem for most other people, is most certainly a problem for me.  To divert from any of these rules (I have more, these are just some examples) is to ignore certain realities of myself, my history, my vulnerabilities.  Which means to break these rules, for me, is to take myself off the wagon.

I suspect it’s not unlike someone who needs to wear prescription glasses or contacts.  Or someone who had a ski accident many years before and had to have reconstructive surgery to their knees.  You can’t go back and pretend you have perfect vision without the aid of a device, and you can’t behave as though your knees have the recovery/mobility of someone without your injury/surgery history.

I lost my concentration in the attempt to ignore my realities, and I’m getting some loud and clear feedback that I need to get back on that wagon…..and stop fantasizing about stepping smugly off when the wagon slows down so that I can collect some roadside flowers.  Take pictures of the damn flowers and keep your eye on the road!

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