Interesting thought processes since making my decision to aim for a 90 days of continuous “abstinent” (binge-free) eating. I was at work yesterday, around lunchtime, ready to go use the fitness facility and get my workout in (we have a gym on-site — very convenient). The sun was shining, pouring into the fitness center windows, seemingly “flushing” all the previous day’s shadows (we’d had lots of cloudy days lately) and brightening my mood as only the promise of fresh air and beautiful weather can. I felt energized, almost as though this decision to “aim for 90” has freed my mind, allowing me to think about other things. After all, if I’m not groppling about when my next cheat day is….why then, I can allow myself the pleasure of noticing those little joys that sometimes fall off my mind’s radar. And it’s only Day 3!
But prior to descending into the gym, I walked the hallway past the company kitchen, where apparently someone was baking pizza for their lunch, as the unmistakable smell was wafting from the oven. Oven as in, the regular oven, not oven as in, the microwave. You know that fragrance of freshly baked crust? It was that kind, not that “pretend crust that just got microwaved and is now either soggy or dry and hard as a rock.” Forgive the tangent, but why bother to even try eating pizza if you’re subjecting yourself to such an unsatisfying taste and texture? If you’re going to have pizza, even “healthy, low-fat” pizza, for pete’s sake, at least bake it the old-fashioned way (yes, I know those silvery microwavable “crisp disks” that come with frozen ‘zas do help….but no, I don’t find they help enough).
But I digress. As I greedily inhaled the pizza’s aroma (hooray for pizzaroma?), I found myself experiencing a shift from how I’d normally react. Normally, that nanosecond that follows would have been something like, “Mmmm. Smells good. Oh well, can’t have it. Next!” I never eat outside of my food plan during the day, and never eat stuff brought into the office. Not treats, not catered foods. Don’t need it, don’t want it.
But yesterday’s reaction was different. It DID smell good. I acknowledged that. I also had no problem acknowledging that I’d have to wait until later, much later (as in, after work) before the next time I eat. No problem, nothing new there.
But rather than feel a twinge of…..desire?….for the pizza, instead I found myself experiencing the spontaneous thought of, “THAT’S not ‘weekday’ food!” Meaning, why would you eat something so heavy and dense (especially when compared with what you’re getting in terms of nutrients) in the middle of the week…..in the middle of the DAY….no less, when you have things like work and other tasks at hand? It suddenly seemed so out of place. Later, I had the same reaction upon watching a TV commercial for those Chunky soups (not the regular kind, the kind that is basically a casserole-in-can: pasta with meatballs, for instance). Understand, I don’t mean “sinful,” just….misplaced. It would be like getting ready to run a 10K, only instead of having that bowl of oatmeal first thing that morning — something to fortify your body without causing any distress, you instead chose that moment to eat two pieces of your aunt’s “famous” fudge. Or you’re about to go to a wine tasting of some rare Sauternes, and just beforehand you pull out a piece of grape Bubble Yum. Do you see where I’m going? You’re choosing a food that is entirely mismatched to the activities you’re embarking on; food that may even impede your full enjoyment of those activities. Suddenly, to me it seems the only rightful foods to be eaten during the week are those that are nutritious but light — fruits, vegetables, yogurt, cottage cheese, clear-brothed soup….light foods that will leave you nourished but not weighed down (physically OR mentally). I’m not even so much referring to calories as I am the complexity of the food. Plain, peasant food is for the weekday. Complex, decadent, rich, comfort foods — those are for the weekend, not only when you’re able to relax and not rush the digestion, but also so that you can more thoroughly ENJOY the food. Can you really enjoy pizza fully if you’re wolfing it at your desk with the phone ringing and your mouse snaking up and down the memo you’re typing? You may as well just do plain baked potato with a little black pepper, or a few sticks of string cheese and a small apple; you’ll derive no less enjoyment (quite possibly MORE) and you’ll do your body so much better!
It was just such an interesting and different mindset from the one I’ve been in for so long. I don’t think it’s a completely new one; I think I’ve been “here” before. And surprise surpise, when I have I seem to recall a much smoother era in my eating behavior, stress management, emotional navigation, etc. What’s interesting too is that these things never seem to be something you can impose on yourself; at least, not so that it reaches “this” level. It’s good to do plenty of self-talking, to help reinforce the path you want your mind to take. But you still have to sit back and wait for your boat to finally float out of the fog. And what’s amazing is how that fog can seem so thick and impenetrable one minute…..then all of a sudden it’s blown off, and you can see for miles. The trouble is you just don’t know, when you’re in the fog, how close you are to that clearing, and I sometimes wonder if the more you zero in on worrying/wondering about that, the more you steer your boat deeper into the fog.
In any event, it’s nice to be enjoying some sudden clarity like this!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 