Abstinence during the holidays: The best gift of all

I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas!  What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in.  Knock on wood, life has been good.

This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year:  Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year.  It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?”  I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries.  Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought?  We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them.  Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.”  What a miracle this is!

What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all!  I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly.  I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.

Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process.  I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life.  Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater!  But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways.  Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling.  Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.”  Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else.  If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought.  I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare.  My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it. 

Even so, I know better than to let my guard down.  If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program.  I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind:  “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”

I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time.  I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return.  I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful.  I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc.  The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits.  I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry.  I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body.  My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that. 

So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back.  When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point.  But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently.  There’s hope, hang in there!

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The frightening caloric total, how did my body ever handle it?

Just out of curiosity, as I wrote in my journal today, I fished my memory to the best of my abilities and wrote in gory detail a list of the foods I’d typically consume when choosing to succumb to what I used to call a “Junk Food Binge.”  That was my code for anything goes, no food is off the potential list, no attempt to observe or even define certain boundaries (funny how when removing any boundaries always seems to lead to junk food and not, say, “the all-melon binge” or the “any flavor of kefir I want binge”).  I’ve always been aware of the staggering calories I must have consumed, as I still count calories to this day as part of my food plan.  In fact, counting calories is so second-nature to me, by now it’s actually more comforting TO count calories than to try to eat without having that automatic awareness be part of my selection.  Yet, it seems part of my bingeing was rooted in the need to say to heck with rules, and I kept myself mostly ignorant on how much I was actually consuming during these episodes.  “More than 3000” is about as far as I wanted to think about it.  Until today.  Yow.

I’m seriously frightened by what the sum total must have been at my worst.  My poor body, when I think of the load I caused to so many of my organs and systems, it breaks my heart and makes me sick.  At the same time, I don’t know how my body managed to handle it without the degree of weight gain you would have expected.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very active, have always been involved wth athletics and have always been vigilant about jumping back into serious clean eating following a binge.  Even so, surely these measures alone could not have negated the mass ingestion, at least that’s how it seems in hindsight.  I mean, my weight is pretty much the same as it was back in those days, and I can promise you, my net totals over a typical week or a typical month are nowhere near as high.  I exercise pretty much the same, so no change there.  How do I explain the disparity?

I can only speculate, and even then there’s really no point, just an interesting thing to ponder.  Does the body actually hit a point in which it simply can’t absorb more than “X” calories over a given period of time, so once I crossed “X” I couldn’t absorb any more?  Was I simply given the grace of a normal-weight body until I was ready to take action for my recovery?  Was I in fact still exercising more, and doing more restricting on my regular food days than I’m remembering?

Yet another reason why I’m so grateful to be at the point I’m at in my recovery.  I can only pray that I always remember how horrible, awful, panicked, miserable, depressed I was during that time.  How many times did I write the words, “So SCARED!” in my food journal.  How many times did I lay in bed, so sick to my stomach after ravaging it all night with sugar, fat and carbs, that the sound of my poor stomach wimpering (at least, that’s what it sounded like to me) made me cry?

Of course, on a lighter note, it’s still depressing, seeing how quickly those calories can STILL add up.  Anyone check the label on a can of nuts or a bag of trail mix?  Ouch!  Not fair.

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The use (or not) of the term “abstinence”

So I’m continuing an experiment, one that I’d begun a number of weeks back.  Made some changes in my lifestyle, my eating, etc.  It’s been a great journey so far, one that I will continue to recommit to, one that has brought forth some incredible results even as there have also been some challenges and bumps along the way.  Lots of emotions coming up, and the sobering realization that while certain changes do become easier over time, certain vulnerabilites will probably always be part of my makeup.  I actually feel a certain comfort in acknowledging that — it allows me to let go of this fantasy of effortless balance, and to know that a huge part of my long-term success lies in learning how to deal with those times of struggle, rather than think the goal is to eliminate those feelings.

In any event, the success of the last month or so has only further illuminated a stance I have been increasingly veering toward.  That stance is on the subject of abstinence, or at least, the word “abstinence,” with regard to overcoming compulsive overeating.  My involvement with a 12-step program of the past year, while amazing, transformative, life-changing in so many ways….has also challenged me, prompted much inner conflict in deciphering how I define and measure recovery for myself.  Not suprisingly — I say this because it seems this is a hot-button subject for many people, much of this inner conflict has to do with the use of the term “abstinence.”  So often I hear speakers talking about it, often expounding at least enough so as to share how they define their own abstinence.  Even knowing this is a program that is as individual as a snowflake, it’s tough to not hear some of this criteria, be it “I don’t eat sugar” or “I eat three meals a day, nothing in between, no exceptions” or even “I don’t binge…ever” and somehow ponder such a statement against my own eating plan.  Inevitably, questions arise.  Should I be adopting this for myself?  Is it truly possible this person can possibly have eaten exactly this way 100% of the time for the last 18 years?  If I saw what this person looks like (I often listen to speakers via podcast) or if I could follow this person in his or her day-to-day life, would I truly want the kind of abstinence they profess to have?  Am I hearing their words but interpreting them to a paradigm of living that is neither necessary nor achieveable for myself and my goals, and maybe not even accurate to their story, either?

I understand the potential need for such a term.  I do. Especially given that 12-step programs, for the most part, spring forth from the original wellspring of Alcoholics Anonymous.  With AA being modeled on the concept of total abstinence from alcohol, and that there is no “moderate drinking” in AA, it’s understandable that other 12-step programs would seek a way to determine the parallel of that model for themselves.  And I realize that in order to recover from destructive behavior, one way or another, a person needs some kind of definable boundaries to know whether or not he or she is meeting that objective.

The problem I have had all along….and I’m sad to say, still haven’t been able to reconcile….is that I just don’t see how I can possibly boil it down to such simple, cut-and-dried terms on the subject of food and eating.  For starters, life is not so simple.  If I say I won’t eat sugar, all that does is shift my mind to obsessing about what that means.  Does that mean absolutely nothing with sugar in it?  Does that mean nothing with high-fructose corn syrup?  Or is it only certain “sugar items” such as cake?  Or what about the “No bingeing” as my abstinence?  I find that problematic, because to me, any excessively large meal is technically (in my eyes) a binge.  I define a binge as anytime I eat extra food, or amounts that I could not sustain and still maintain my weight.  So to say I won’t binge basically (again, for me) means I will never overeat, and I just don’t think that’s realistic.

But perhaps most important of all is that I think the notion of abstinence takes my mind away from the real goal, the true end result, and that’s a balanced life, a reasonably balanced mind, and a body that’s within my optimal weight range.  I could follow a self-imposed abstinence to the letter and still completely come up short in any or all three of those items.  More over, while I am more than ready, willing and able to go through extra lengths to ensure I’m able to adhere to my food plan and exercise schedule, including those times we’re traveling or socializing, in recent years it’s become apparent that even if 99% of the time I am able to stick to the plan, there are those 1% instances in which it’s just not possible to put my foot down in accordance with this self-imposed boundary.  For example, we were recently invited at the last second to a dear friend’s house for dinner, and said friend is an empassioned cook.  Yes, yes, I’m a veteran of, “Oh, can I bring a salad for all to enjoy?”  But you know what, sometimes no matter how much you try to be gracious, to make such a suggestion would be rude.  It would.  Or maybe it wouldn’t be rude, but my insistence on eating my vinegared lettuce while everyone else is dining on a meal the host painstakingly prepared over two days’ time…..does change the dynamic.  People won’t relate as much to me, fair or not.  To say nothing for the fact that, frankly, I don’t want to call attention to myself and my eating in that way.  Because inevitably, people look at the person shunning the decadent stuff and immediately glance at the person’s weight, as if to assess the efficacy of such a rigid eating structure.  I don’t need that kind of pressure or scrutiny!  But the bottom line is, at least for certain very close-knit friends, I’m just not interested in alienating myself just so that I can pat myself on the back for finding an “abstinent” solution.

Understand, I am NOT challenging anyone else’s use of abstinence as a tool.  If using the term and defining it very specifically for yourself works, please do so.  I’m simply coming to accept that this is one aspect of my program in which I personally will have to depart in philosophy and approach, at least for now.

For me, I don’t want a “perfect report card.”  To me, the “perfect report card” is nothing but a booby prize if my weight didn’t stay where I’m comfortable with it and all I did was take the part of my brain that could have been used for something far more constructive to humanity, and obsess over orienting my eating to keep that absolute perfection going.  And I can’t reconcile the notion of committing to “abstinence,” if at some future point, that definition can be revisited and changed.  What’s the point?  I’d personally feel disingenuous to say I’ve had X years of abstinence, if to break it down you then discover that there’s been no constant in that abstinence.  To me, it renders the term meaningless.

Instead, I’m finding better success in staying connected to my big picture goal, and letting that be my guiding beacon as to how my eating is duly oriented.  I’m preferring to develop the maturity that allows the possibility of having to make an exception every once in a while, without it derailing me.  I find that it all comes down to remaining wholly honest with myself.  Is what I’m currently doing compatable with keeping my recovery moving forward?  Have I gained weight?  Am I becoming sloppy in my eating?  These are the hard questions I need to stay on top of.

Now, does this mean I don’t have a food plan, and a very clearly defined one at that?  Absolutely not!  I weigh, I measure, I count calories, I have a list of foods that are the building blocks of my menus, and that list gets updated more or less on a weekly basis.  Some weeks certain items get removed, others get put on it.  And there are foods I do avoid.  Lots, in fact.  I try to stick with the vast majority of my current foods being my “safe” foods.  I’m staying on top of my weight, my energy levels, my cravings, etc., and I’m finding this infinitely more constructive than obsessing over whether I could pinpoint an official abstinence criteria based on my following this format.

Is it possible that this is, indeed, a form of abstinence, and my steering clear of the actual word is just an exercise in symantics?  Could be.  Just last night, I had a few treats that are outside of my normal food plan (as in, they’re not normally part of my regular “clean eating” days, but they’re on the periphery of my current list).  When I shopped at the store for them, I was tempted to buy something else — a food that I had recently put on my “not eating this for now” list.  But part of the way I work my recovery is that I try not to make any impulsive decisions, and in order to allow a certain food to be eaten, I have to have predetermined whether or not it’s part of my current repertoire.  So….I stuck to my current criteria and held onto my current bottom line.  One could argue that this IS a form of abstinence.  The distinction I would make is that these micro-adjustments, for as deliberate and carefully pondered as they are, occur quite frequently, too frequently for me to feel comfortable umbrella-ing them all under one, unbroken “abstinence.”  It just makes more sense to aim for the best case scenario each day, but in the final analysis, keep the ultimate focus on having good weeks, good months, and staying gruelingly honest with myself at all times.  THAT, for me, is the definition of sustainable recovery for myself.

Just something I needed to write out and acknowledge.  It’s official, the “a” word is not likely to be a part of my recovery vocabulary, and so far that’s working out just fine.

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The Mighty Pull of the Habitual Comfort Zone

I’ve been having quite a nice summer (notice I’m not putting that in the past tense, because I’m in DENIAL that the warm weather season is coming to an end!), some ups and downs but overall I feel good about my ongoing growth.  I hate to frame this in terms of weight — life is so much more than just that, but given the theme of this blog, I will go ahead and report that my weight has been generally “steady” to “good,” meaning I’ve been probably 1-3 pounds above where I like my weight during the course of the season.  One wonders what psychological mechanism (and it has to be that) keeps me from crossing that invisible barrier (my working theory is that the brain likes the path of least resistence, and as long as it sees me within a stone’s throw distance from my “fighting weight,” it decides it’s safe and okay to allow me some leeway that day), but I hope that barrier is finally crossed again soon.

Which brings me to today’s topic.  There came a point this summer in which I had one of my infamous “house cleanings,” lifestyle-wise.  I need these every now and then; I reach a point in which I’ve become stagnant in certain choices of foods, of articles I read, of things I listen to, etc., and must abruptly switch gears because all these things seem to be doing is reinforcing my struggle.  So I strip them away and go back to some reliable basics, and almost inevitably see myself returning to “myself.”  And right or wrong, one of the ways I monitor this progress back to “myself” is via my naked body checks.  You know what I mean.  First thing in the morning, give the careful once over, up and down, assess leanness, shape, muscles, etc.  Yes the scale is sometimes used, but by now I know about where those numbers probably are based on certain visual criteria, so the intense body scruitiny remains my measurement device of choice.

So with some of these changes came the results I was hoping for, and I must admit a relief upon seeing them!  I think I’ve said this before, but the way I describe how I feel/behave when my weight is in place is, I can relax and get my mind onto other things.  Ironically, as much as this morning “assessment ritual” seems counterintuitive to obsession-free conduct, that’s in fact exactly what happens; if my body meets my hopes and expectations upon that first checkpoint, I can let go and NOT think about it for the rest of the day.  If, on the other hand, I awaken with a bloated stomach or a body that clearly reflects some recent “exceeding my caloric needs” days….my clothes don’t fit the same and I feel as though I’m already entering the day compromised, like no matter what I do or how well I perform work-wise, it can’t add up to 100%.  It may seem a harsh way to operate but it’s how I stay on top of myself (sad to say, the call of junk food is still quite loud at times, even as I know I don’t even like some of those things anymore).

OK, so I shook things up, made some changes, and got back to a place that I feel good about this summer.  Only problem:  This was shortly followed by 1) an extended business trip, 2) a personal vacation with my husband, 3) a temporary change in my work schedule, 4) some social events with people who matter very much to me.  These occurrences, while positive — every one of them, would have been challenging enough (on the eating habits) under any circumstances, but making matters harder, they all fell very shortly after I’d initiated my latest lifestyle changes, before (apparently) they’d had the chance to displace the old habits and become my new “default” setting.  So predictably, once I emerged from all the turmoil entailed from working with each of these events……I found myself stepping back not to the more positive habits I had planted shortly before, but the old habits I had successfully shed.  Worse, it took a little while to realize this had happened!

So let this be a lesson to all of us:  beware the comfort zone you build for yourself, for in times of discombobulation (even the good kind), this is what you’re likely to turn back to.  I am now working to rebuild my “new and improved” habits from before all of the above took place, and I’m afraid I don’t have a crystal-clear memory of my state of mind from then; I’m having, essentially, to start from scratch and reset my mindset all over again.   I appear to be succeeding, but it’s slow.  My main goal now is to keep building these new habits, and to do so over a long enough period so as to make this mode of action the “norm,” lest I find myself thrown out of my routine and in need of returning to the familiar.  Let’s hope “this” is what becomes “familiar”!

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The serenity of binge-free living

As you probably have deduced, I’m not using or updating this blog very regularly these days (how’s that for a fancy way to say I’ve been completely MIA?).  Truth be told, I find that my ability to benefit from such an outlet fluctuates; sometimes I do better by actually distancing myself from any focus — blogs, books, message boards, etc. — on anything that has to do with eating disorders or weight or food issues.  By shifting my focus away from those things AND surrounding myself with a lifestyle and people who represent anything BUT those things, it’s almost as though I “forget” to have such issues.  Sometimes I think there’s a danger in all this self-help via interacting (or lurking, anyway) with others, because doing so can “normalize” what is otherwise very unacceptable behavior, IMO.  For example, certain behaviors or perceptions may not even OCCUR to me, yet in an environment in which people with weight or eating issues are discussing their problems/recovery, I may encounter individuals who engage in these things.  And while at first I may read with a sense of detached curiosity, you read it often enough and suddenly it doesn’t seem so odd, and suddenly you find your own mind is actually absorbing some of these things, and it starts to pollute your own thinking.  By cutting loose and instead only conversing with people who have never had eating issues, I remind myself what “normal/healthy” looks like.  I realize my own version of “normal/healthy” may not ever be quite there — my history brings with it some realities that I ought not be naive enough to ignore.  But who knows?  Time does great things, and through repetition, it’s amazing how much a person can change, to where there’s not even a hint of a resemblence to their former self or way of thinking.

Ha ha, I’m making it sound like I’m desiring such a dramatic change!  No.  But do I think I benefit greatly from getting out of any “ED recovery” environment or mindset?  Yes, absolutely.  Where I’ll ultimately go….again, who knows?

Anyway, but I’d had a recent turn of events that threw me into a bit of turmoil.  Happily, that turmoil is being resolved, but out of the crisis an interesting lesson was illuminated for me.

I have often lamented (tongue-in-cheek), particularly when I’ve prepared for my various athletic events, about how well nutritious eating “works.”  Meaning, by golly, when I’m forced to eat absolutely cleanly for a long, unbroken stretch of time, usually because I’m training much more intensively and have ambitious goals for a given athletic event, I not only see the influence of properly chosen foods and supplements on my body and athletic performance, I also experience a remarkable, almost unbelievable, release from all my cravings.  Whereas I normally can navigate the ebbs and surges of my appetite and cravings without too much problem — they’re there, but with good nutrition and other tools in place, I can ignore and/or work with them effectively, during these extra-clean eating times, it goes even beyond that; I literally lose the cravings.  Eating my planned meals is effortless, I lose my hunger and yet have boundless energy.  It’s not the most “fun” I’ve had with my eating — the foods are typically not the kind that hit people’s Top 10 list of favorite cheat items, but it feels a small sacrifice when compared with the reprieve it gives me from the daily challenge of appetite management.  Why, you wonder, do I ever stray from such synchronicity?  Like everything, little by little, I let “things” chip away at the oh-so-well-oiled-machine, and while my weight pretty much remains the same, I gradually find myself back to the usual m.o., which includes clean eating, just enough “non clean” eating to satisfy my perceived cravings and to stimulate some new cravings of their own, with willpower kicking in to keep things from moving in the direction of those cravings.  I know, deep down, that if I bring myself back to that more simple eating arrangement, I will probably go back to a craving-free existence, but there’s a reluctance that’s hard to penetrate if I don’t have some overarching motivator, such as an athletic event to prepare for.  Perhaps one of these days things will “stick” more than they have thus far.

With that in mind, recently I had experienced a “mysterious” weight gain.  Now hear me out, I’m normally a person who rolls her eyes at the notion of “mysterious” weight gain.  There’s no mystery; you took in more calories than you burned.  Simple as that.  And this, I believe, is still true.  But considering I’m as vigilant as I’ve always been about weighing my food, measuring my food, tracking my daily calories, recording my food intake and my exercise…… the sudden (as in, over a couple of months’ time) weight gain and notable change of body composition truly had me baffled.  By weight gain, I mean relatively small; about 5-6 pounds over my norm.  But on my frame….it looked AWFUL!  But worst of all, I just couldn’t find a good reason.  If anything, my eating and exercise were even tighter than they were in the preceding 6-8 months.  It was baffling and frightening.  It took a long time for me to get to the level of management of my eating (and the ED) that I currently have, and the thought that I might have to make additional tweaks was overwhelming me.  It didn’t help that I was emerging from one of the hardest and harshest winters our area has ever had.  Clearly Seasonal Affective Disorder was a factor in my dispondence.  And while the extra weight may not seem like a big deal, it was just enough to not only force me out of most of my clothes, but to feel….compromised.  I know at what weight range I look irrefutably at my personal best, and this wasn’t it.  I looked bloated, puffy, definitely imbalanced.  I had been at this weight many years before, but back then it was somehow healthier, more fit, even if it still wasn’t my goal weight.  This?  It didn’t even look like me.

I’ll spare the details of how we finally figured out what the problem was — or at least, what we believe the problem was.  Suffice it to say, we did resolve the problem, and I have taken most of the weight off.  I’m now up by a pound or two and can expect the rest to fall into place soon enough.

But the “why” isn’t really the point here.  My point is what I experienced while trying to deal with the mysterious problem.  Because I had no idea what was going on, only that I was gaining weight mysteriously, one of the changes I had to make was to further shore up my eating.  I needed to make certain that I was truly being accurate in my intake and consistent in staying within my allocated caloric boundaries.  I also figured that darn it, if I was gaining weight now, while eating so cleanly, there was no telling what awful consequence would befall me if I dared stray from my eating plan.  So no cheats.  For a long time.

And that is why I make this post.  Because admittedly, as I have referenced before, I had become accustomed, over the years, to a management strategy whereby I would eat cleanly and exercise regularly, enough so that my metabolism could handle a (usually) once-a-week cheat.  Good enough, except that these cheats were often quite grand in scale — cookies, pizza, cheese, chocolate, eaten to the point of discomfort.  It’s been hard to curtail this one remnant of my ED (which at times didn’t look particularly ED’d, more just the kind of nibble fest people often experience on a Saturday night), as it would often take a good 2-3 days for me to feel recovered from the consequences of my splurge.  And while I didn’t always turn to such decadence on a weekly basis, I would still allow at least 2 days each week in which I’d eat way, way more than my body needed of even “healthy” food, such as trail mix or apples or sugar-free pudding.  And while my weight somehow remained consistent despite these occasional flights of fancy, the cycle of dealing with the added quantity of food on my gastrointestinal tract….the distress it would cause….was awful.  Part of my challenge over these last several months has been to work on lessening the severity.  I say “lessen the severity” because I don’t necessarily think I can nor should abolish these occasional deviations from my food plan.  But of course, there’s a huge difference between having an extra helping of a treat food or cooking a particular recipe in its “full fat” version but otherwise leave the day’s eating the same….vs. what I was doing, which definitely went beyond where it should be.  But….old habits die hard.  Choose your poison, and all of that.

So imagine the unexpected “gift” this recent dilemma gave to me.  For while I was decidedly unhappy with my situation — that is, I was annoyed with what was happening to my body and consumed about trying to figure out what the heck was going on,  I found myself, on a particularly difficult day, taking note of one shining light:  the serenity of being away from bingeing.  Because of my body’s apparant rebellion, I had vigilantly kept myself away from eating outside of my meal plan, and for a long stretch of time.  In this case, it had been weeks since I’d last strayed, and prior to that stumble, a few additional weeks still.  Altogether, I had had almost a couple of months without bingeing (my term for those Saturday and/or weeknight cheats), and I have to tell you….. it was wonderful.  While I was still struggling to find outfits that fit me, I could at least feel the serenity that comes when the body hasn’t been inundated with excess food.  My mind was cleaerer, my energy levels more even, my digestive tract at relative peace.

Well, happily, the few changes that I felt were needed, that I felt may provide the relief my body needed from what appeared to be going on….did finally start to take effect.  I began to see “my” body re-emerge, which was a huge relief, indeed.  I had a few athletic events come and go as well during that time, and found the problem to be almost 100% resolved.

So you know what happened next.  Of course!  Problem solved, success at my athletic events, which means it must be time to celebrate!  Mind you, I’m not out of the woods yet, especially since the whole point is to bring myself back to where I normally MAINTAIN myself, not just some bottom-end extreme from which I can then promptly rebound.  But sure enough, at the first opportunity (read:  where I had a day of down time afterward, allowing me to become cave-dweller and digest quietly out of the radar of most humanity), I merrily high-tailed it to the store, picking out all the sugar-fat-kitchen-sink delights I had so steadfastilly kept myself away from for so long.  It was almost head-spinning — literally — to experience these foods again, like switching on a bunch of neuro-receptors that had become dormant (not unlike what I imagine it’s like to smoke a cigarette after having quit for a while).  A couple of hours and a distended belly later, I couldn’t believe I had once again let myself fall into that bizarre, pre-binge amnesia, where I seem to forget how truly horrible the aftermath is — much more horrible than any pleasure obtained from the taste of the food.

So okay, a trip, stumble and fall.  It happens.  Move on.  Only…. I’ve had a couple more since.  So now I’m back to shoring up my eating and be more guarded on what behaviors and foods I allow over the next week or so.  Having had some blissful reprieve from my last binge, I can once again taste that serenity that I recently experienced, and I’m anxious to return to that place more solidly.  It’s fresh in my mind, and I’m grateful to have been, albeit through strange circumstances, forced to rout out some remnant destructive behaviors so as to let me catch a glimpse of it!  I don’t want to forget it anytime soon.  Talk about realizing how ready I am to be rid of those remnants, once and for all! 

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HUGE key to success: It’s easier to STAY on the wagon than to get back on if you fall off

Quick update if only to crystalize this Ah-HAH that’s in my brain.

Yeah, you can probably file this one under the “duh” category.  But to “know” something…..and to somehow have it “click” into place are often two entirely different brain processes.  I believe I’ve finally just experienced the latter with this.

I’ve been in conversation with people who have lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for the long haul.  I’ve never been more than what most might call “vanity pounds” above the weight I prefer to keep myself at, so while I do have insight as to how to lose and successfully maintain/manage one’s weight, talking with folks who once weighed 50, 60, 80 or 100 pounds or more over their optimal weight is a good reminder to me that I still have plenty to learn from others.  Sure, we all have the shared experience of having to change our lifestyle — our eating, our exercise, etc. — for the sake of managing our weight.  But sometimes there are lessons that I overlook, words of wisdom that I “forget” yet may still resonate very much with me, that people in this position can offer as important reminders.

One such lesson — more a reminder of what I already know — is the importance of fiercely adhering to whatever is working for you, whatever program or approach or combination of eating and exercise strategies you have adopted.  Common sense, of course, but the overarching reason is not necessarily what you think.

Let’s face it.  The crux of why people get frustrated when they seem forever “stuck” at the starting gate with weight loss….is because for whatever reason, they have not reached the point in which they’re mentally fully ready to accept the change of lifestyle needed to lose and maintain their weight from where they’re currently at.  We hear testimonials all the time regarding various weight loss programs; comments from successful “losers” who proudly proclaim that they’d tried every other diet out there, but only once they tried This One did the pounds come off.  The implication being that This One is the better program; the rest are useless.

But we know better.  The truth is, the person could have put themselves on the 3 Snickers Bars A Day diet, or the McDonald’s Coffee and Salad Diet, or the Lean Cuisine for Breakfast, Special K for Dinner diet.  The bottom line is, they were READY to take on the hardships required to adhere to the change of lifestyle long-term.  That’s all.  No magic, no superior program.  They were ready to change.

It explains why people who do lose weight successfully on a sound, healthy program (Weight Watchers, just for an example), maybe even keep it off for a little while, only to regain the weight…..struggle miserably at getting back on that same program, even if they insist that they enjoyed the program the first time around and never felt better than when on the program.  The spark of inspiration — which at times can seem as elusive as getting the planets all in alignment — was lit the first time around for them; but sadly, not the second.

And worse, it’s hard to say what specifically causes that spark to ignite.  How many of us have had false starts before things finally “clicked”?  Probably most, if not all of us.  What makes it happen finally?  Hard to say.

But that’s the point of this post.  What I’m realizing, both in myself and in talking with these people who have lost — and maintained — a great deal of weight, is that it’s FAR easier to “stay on the wagon” once you’re on it….than to get yourself back on if you fall off.  In other words, once you’re on it, do EVERYTHING in your power to cling on for dear life when you go over those bumps in the road.  Even if you THINK the danger has passed, you are no longer vulnerable to the triggers or cravings or <insert whatever factors here> that threatened your derailment (or led to derailment) before, stay vigilant.  Even if the road gets so rough that to keep yourself in your healthy behaviors is a royal pain in the neck, feeling almost impossible at times, even if it makes no “sense” to keep certain rules in place, even if you feel you “deserve” to cut yourself a break…just a short break….stick to your guns.  Stay the course.  You may not realize you’ll be happier for it, but you will be.  Sadly, we can be woefully amnesic about fully comprehending our vulnerabilities when we’re being seduced by our personal cryptonite.  But the bottom line is, no matter what, once that rough road passes, you’ll have a much easier — saner — time getting yourself back to a state of balance than you would if you’d allowed yourself to tumble off that wagon, thinking “That’s okay, I’ll just run back up and jump back on.”  Oh, if only it were so easy!  You just don’t know when that spark of readiness will strike again.  I dare say, if we look at our lives as a whole, these moments of readiness happen very sparsely.  This holds true for our eating, our careers, our relationships, our creativity with right-brain activities, etc.  There’s a reason they say to writers and artists that when the muse hits, run with it, because there’s no telling when it will hit again.  I suspect the same is true for weight loss and lifestyle.  Once you’re rolling, you can fight the good fight to stay on track, but it still pales in comparison to falling off track and then struggling to get back on again.

It is, this little revelation, the one instance in which I can understand the mentality of OA:  the idea that it’s far easier to resist that first bite of your non-abstinent food, or that first foray into non-abstinent behavior, than to break your abstinence and have to start from scratch.  You wouldn’t think that falling off “just once” could bring you back to scratch, and maybe some stumbles won’t.  But who wants to take that chance?  Best to not get complacent and put yourself in the position to find out the answer to that.

In my case, it means I have to re-commit to certain realities of my own wellness program.  In more specific terms, it means I have to keep my choices narrow, I have to keep certain foods out of my menu altogether, and I have to not let myself forget certain realities of meal timing that, while not a problem for most other people, is most certainly a problem for me.  To divert from any of these rules (I have more, these are just some examples) is to ignore certain realities of myself, my history, my vulnerabilities.  Which means to break these rules, for me, is to take myself off the wagon.

I suspect it’s not unlike someone who needs to wear prescription glasses or contacts.  Or someone who had a ski accident many years before and had to have reconstructive surgery to their knees.  You can’t go back and pretend you have perfect vision without the aid of a device, and you can’t behave as though your knees have the recovery/mobility of someone without your injury/surgery history.

I lost my concentration in the attempt to ignore my realities, and I’m getting some loud and clear feedback that I need to get back on that wagon…..and stop fantasizing about stepping smugly off when the wagon slows down so that I can collect some roadside flowers.  Take pictures of the damn flowers and keep your eye on the road!

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Craving management: Like Maslow’s hierarchy

Well, I’m back from my break, at least briefly.  I’m not sure I’ll post again very frequently (if at all), if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t have much in the way of thought-provoking revelations or discoveries of the moment.  My ED seems to be in a state of semi-remission (I say “semi” mainly to avoid letting my guard down and becoming complacent) at the moment, so I’m just coasting along and enjoying what appears to be a new phase of my life.  Interesting, exciting, and a bit scary all at the same time!

However, I do want to post a conclusion I’m increasingly drawing on the subject of cravings, dealing with hunger, appetite, eating management, etc.  I’ll explain how and why I’ve come to this conclusion.

Due to my ED quieting down, I’ve been interacting more with people with no apparent history of eating issues, from all sorts of walks of life.  Mainly though, those people whom I admire or with whom I have shared interests.  I’m doing this both just for personal enrichment, but also to further learn — understand where an ED “ends” and “normalcy” begins.  Sometimes this is a gray area that’s hard to pinpoint.

So that’s my “how.”  Now the “why”:

I suppose one reason I’m taking a break is, I don’t want to forever have to be so active in my analysis and debate regarding my emotions, my behavior, etc.  I’m realizing that there’s no such thing as “total” recovery, meaning, you’ll never fully extinguish cravings, you’ll never achieve a state of absolute contentment.  So to keep pursuing such a goal is frought with frustration, as no matter how well you’re doing, it’s never going to be “good enough” if that’s the lofty goal you’re holding yourself up to.  I think part of why I’ve become fidgety over the last couple of years is because I want to figure out where “normal” is.  At what point am I more or less “normal”?  Obviously, the answer can only be answered by me, but figuring that out is no easy task.  I suppose the answer has to come from a combination of observing “normal” in others who appear to be more or less where you want to be….and what you personally are willing to accept as your personal “normal.”

So why be so analytical?  Why the need to decide such a thing?  Simple.  I want to get to the point that I can let GO of the recovery process already.  If I honestly feel I’ve taken my recovery about as far as I can, I can relax and settle in where I’m at and free up my mind for other things.  I don’t have to wonder if there’s more around the corner if I only put in another six months of active effort.  I do think there’s a point in which any additional improvements will be negligible at best.  More over, they may very well happen anyway, even without “formal” effort, just by living my life based on the values and principles I’ve established over the course of my recovery.  In other words, at some point I have to let go of micro-managing my recovery, and instead just let those ongoing, if smaller, changes continue to occur in their natural timing.

Okay, so here’s what I’m concluding.  In the whole scheme of eating — cravings, hunger, appetite, deprivation, etc., and life — emotions, personality inclinations, etc., there are “layers” of these elements that aren’t unlike Maslow’s hierarchy.  There’s the first layer, which I’ll call the “biological creature” layer.  Just the basic facts of being a living thing:  metabolism, eating, energy production and consumption, etc.  The next layer up will be the “genetics” layer.  Next is the “human experience” layer.  Up from that might be “issues and specific personality challenges” layer.  Above that might be the “eating disorders” layer.

What’s my point here?  That no matter how much you heal, grow, mature, resolve issues, change bad habits, develop healthy outlets, learn new coping skills, strategize your meals and nutrition, exercise wisely, attend to your health, learn to live with your emotions, etc…… you will STILL have a certain amount of cravings, appetite, hunger, emotional challenges, etc.  There is no fully getting rid of these things, because they’re driven largely by certain realities of biology, genetics, and simply the “normal” human experience.  You can do your best to attend to those things you can change, and clearly help yourself deal with those elements you can’t change, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to grit your teeth through times of uncomfortable hunger, cravings that just won’t die, irrational emotions and crankiness when you have no reason to be anything but ecstatic and grateful.

And here’s the thing:  the above things are OKAY!!!  There was a time when I’d experience some major breakthrough, or put to practice a great strategy of “alternate actitivites” (i.e. when a craving hits, do something to occupy yourself that doesn’t involve food), or develop hobbies or form great friendships that helped keep my mind happy and busy, boosted my self-esteem and  elevated my overall life contendedness, or had an “ah-hah!” about the origins of my behavior……and I guess deep down I kept hoping that somehow these things would help “magically” cut my cravings, or reduce my desire to make inappropriate eating choices.  I was WAITING for it all to at least become a little bit EASIER.

But here’s the truth, at least per my experience.  All of those things are great, but they don’t take away the cravings.  They don’t remove the urge to eat outside of my planned meal strategy for that day.  They don’t make keeping my weight where I like it any easier.  BUT….what they do is help me solidify my resolve, keep my confidence and sense of self-trust high, keep me motivated to confront these difficult challenges and STILL make the right choice, even if every cell of my being is momentarily screaming for a bag of cookies.

In other words, sometimes you’re going to have to white-knuckle it.  If you want both the emotional healing AND a body that’s fit and trim, you still have to deal with those challenges that are simply a normal reality of biology, genetics, and the human experience.  Just as our lungs always have a reserve of air in them, so too do we have a “reserve” of challenges that won’t go away completely, not for as long as we’re alive.

Ironically, it’s actually very freeing to arrive at this conclusion.  I don’t have to wonder if the existence of these things somehow points to the ED, or suggests I need to do “more work” in order to try to extinguish them.  I simply need to accept these realities, make my peace with them, and then flex that mental muscle every time I confront one of these challenges.  It may never get easier, but like everything, with repetition and time, I can get used to it.

I can live with that!  

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Update, and may take a break

It’s been a strange month.  With only one stumble, I’ve managed to stick with my initial goal — that of not allowing a separate, “special” trip to the grocery store should I make the decision to binge.  In other words, if I feel the need to eat beyond what I’d planned, it must be foods that I already have at home; no special “treats” or normally “forbidden” items.  The idea is, I wanted to see what would happen if I removed any sense of allure to the binges, at least in terms of WHAT they would entail.  There’s not nearly as much enjoyment from them when they’re simply comprised of foods I’m already including on my food plan!

But I also did make that 90-day challenge for myself, one in which I wanted to see how long I could be abstinent (abstinent, in this case, referring primarily to not bingeing).  Not wanting to evaluate the wisdom of issuing such an ambitious challenge until I gave it an earnest shot, my behavior these last  few weeks has been quite interesting, to say the least.  I would call it a mixed bag, in terms of success.

There have some very distinct differences in my current eating patterns than my norm.  True to the goal, I have not “binged” in the same sense I normally do.  Normally, if I decide to binge, along with the glee I feel in allowing myself access to certain “treat” foods, I typically throw any sense of calorie-counting or even hunger checkpoints out the window.  Basically, I eat until either the foods I’m interested in are gone or until I’ve “had my fill,” which almost 100% of the time means by the time I stop eating, I am extremely uncomfortable.  HORRIBLY uncomfortable.  That, actually, has been among the leading incentives for my wanting to change these days.  I feel mournful, sorrowful, and quite scared, at the awful abuse I inflict on my body by this behavior.

But in the place of the “normal” binges has been a sort of hybrid creature, and I’m not liking it.  In some ways, it’s “good” in that, I have yet to eat completely out of control or to get to that “horrible discomfort” point.  What has happened is, in between days of clean eating, I have days in which I, after dinner, decide to eat extra food.  The big differences are, I’m choosing foods that offer no more enticement than my food plan:  soup, apples, microwave popcorn, etc.  AND I’m still counting my calories meticulously, so that at least I know what the damage is.  And while I still end up eating more than I want, I do stop well before I would normally do so.  Clearly, these strays are not serving quite the same “release the pressure valve” purpose offered by most of my binges.  But I still consider them binges.  They still render me way beyond an amount of calories I need, though nothing like the devastating calorie blitzes I’ve been guilty of inhaling in the past.  And predictably, it doesn’t take nearly as long to recover from these deviations; I find much less “aftermath” to suffer and start to feel like myself again sooner than I do under normal “post binge” circumstances.

But the mind is tricky, and with these changes — I actually worried that this would happen — I’m straying from my food plan more frequently than normal.  This is disturbing  me greatly.  I worry that if I keep at this, I may be looking at the formation of a habit that will be tough to break.  A habit that could turn disastrous if my momentary “relative” self-control with these eating splurges should ever spiral back in the direction of my regular binges.

So my instinct is to say, this was good, it served its purpose, it helped me swing my eating habits back (overall) to a more healthy schedule, it gave me good insights — insights I would not have had if I had kept my same-old, same-old m.o., but now I need to let it go.  Do I think I could keep going for the full 90 days?  Actually…..yes.  But I’m not sure this is what I want.  If I stop it now, I have a much better chance at breaking this pattern before it has a chance to really become habit.

But how’s this for a monkey wrench?  So far, it seems my weight has stabilized!  Not to where I usually like it — I’m still about 2-3 pounds above my normal weight (I’d gained about 4-5 from the holidays this year, more turmoil than usual, part of the reason for my doing this month experiment).  But, if I’m to believe my weigh-in of a couple of days ago….and a few days before that…..yeah, it appears possible that things aren’t deteriorating on the weight end.  MAYBE.  Two or three weigh-ins are hardly enough to see a trend.

So….. I have some thinking to do.  I’m not afraid to abandon either the 90 day challenge OR the January challenge (actually…..I won’t abandon the latter as there are only a few days left of the month, and I do think this is a good break from certain food habits I’d developed) if it turns out to be not what I feel is what I want.

I also may take a break from this blog (hey, it IS called the *part-time* bulimic, isn’t it? my attempt at humor).  I have so much going on with my work and I worry that concern about blogging is actually taking my eyes off my eating “steering wheel” at the moment.  Then again, maybe I’ll discover I benefit more by keeping the blog going than in taking a break.  I just wanted to let readers know what’s up if I suddenly drop off the face of the earth.

We’ll see!

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Study: People becoming heavier because it’s socially okay to do so

I was reading about a study that was done recently (link to article here:  http://www.emaxhealth.com/109/14800.html), that suggests a most un-p.c. conclusion:  the increase in people’s weight in this country is partly the result of it being socially acceptable to be heavier.

Whether you agree with the study’s conclusion or not, I must admit, I have always maintained that in order to keep yourself at a certain weight range — one that requires a great deal of work, you must not only strongly desire to be “there,” you must ALSO feel a specific dislike at either the thought or experience of being above that range (for yourself, not suggesting what others should or shouldn’t do or feel).  You have to.  Because eating cleanly is difficult.  It demands constant, daily attention (ever notice how when you return to work Monday it takes you a little while to return to exactly where you left off on Friday?  What do you think happens to your body when you take a few days off from working on your eating and exercise?), and when the going gets tough, you’d better have some strong, underlying motivation to stick it out or you’ll find your eating — and subsequent weight — about as stable and resolved as a rogue plastic grocery bag on a blustery day.

Now, don’t misunderstand me.  I would never advocate you set unrealistic standards for yourself.  I know where my own body “settles in” when my eating is squeaky clean (not perfect, but clean most of the time) and I’m exercising daily (again, most of the time).  It’s where I have the most energy, the most restorative sleep, and indeed, where I prefer my physical appearance.  Given that my weight readily maintains itself below the national average, deep down I could never accept my body at this country’s “average,” because I’d know deep down it would not reflect my body at its optimal health and fitness; if anything, to be there would indicate something has gone awry with my exercise and/or eating plan.  But this works on the other end of the spectrum, too.  If your genetics predispose you to a seeming setpoint that’s considerably *higher* than the average even in light of consistent, clean eating (and I do mean “consistent” and “clean” — I don’t mean what most people convince themselves is “consistent” and “clean”), then indeed, it would not do you well to shoot for a level of leanness that’s far beneath what you believe you can achieve.

Or would it?  I’m beginning to question if there’s a potential benefit in aiming high, probably higher than what you know you can achieve.  Does this not make you reach further?  Will you not make a harder effort when you set ambitious goals for yourself?  What I’m seeing all around me is evidence that people are settling for mediocrity, that “good enough” is….well, good enough.  Don’t expect greatness of yourself, because gosh, then you might disappoint yourself if you don’t reach it.  Don’t set your goals too high, because gosh, that takes more work.  How awful, those who limit themselves so!  In the overall scheme of things, most of us are capable of just about anything.  Don’t tell me you have no sense of direction, you can’t read a map, you can’t cook, you can’t <fill in the blank>.  Those are copouts!  You CAN do these things!  But you might have to work harder, subject yourself to some discomfort or embarrassment, and yes, you’ll have to focus and keep pushing yourself even when you don’t want to, and YES, sometimes a little harsh self-talk is the greatest gift you can give yourself.  I don’t mean, “I’ve gained five pounds.  I suck.”  I mean, “I’ve let myself gain five pounds.  I know better.”

I once read that alcoholism and other addictions are curiously more prevalent in areas/societies/cultures/countries that don’t frown upon it, and in some cases actually make light of or celebrate inebriation, and that it’s curiously sparse in countries/cultures/societies/families/circles that view such lack of self-control in an extremely negative, face-losing light.  Why would weight be any different, I wonder?

It’s just one more reminder that in the end, if you wish to be where you wish to be, YOU have to set the standards for yourself.  You must dismiss whether it’s socially acceptable or not and determine what YOUR best body/health/level of fitness is at, and don’t let yourself be swayed by where the wave of humanity is orienting themselves at the moment.  Just as we can’t let ads, TV shows, etc. or unrealistically thin/”perfect” women’s bodies lure us into setting those kind of standards for ourselves, so too do we need to ignore if “everyone else” seems to be okay with letting their bodies grow to sizes we don’t wish for ourselves.

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Progress report on 90-day challenge: The cheese cometh, the cheese must go-eth

It’s been a mixed week.  My self-started 90-day challenge is still on, and I’m relieved to get through almost the first week without major incident — something I haven’t been able to say for a while now.  But it hasn’t been without a couple of stumbles, and I have to nip these in the bud before my mind infers that somehow I “got away” with these deviations.  Ironically, that’s always been a force to contend with in myself; slip-ups, if they don’t feel too consequential, have the dangerous ability to suggest that they can reappear again soon after with no harmful impact.  At a time when I reached my heaviest weight (a number of years ago), that’s how it happened.  It didn’t happen by bingeing; it happened through steady, seemingly “harmless” overeating, with just enough clean eating days in between to make me feel falsely safe and secure.  I weighed myself only sporatically and wow, was I in for a shock when I finally stepped on the scale.  It’s actually one reason I “accepted” bingeing as a method of weight management for myself.  When I binge, particularly at the end of the day when the digestive ill effects will even further impact me the next day, I can’t for one second fool myself into thinking that what I did wasn’t “so bad.”  You KNOW it’s bad.  Your whole body knows, the consequences are stark and horrific and throw you back into action like nothing else can.  But overeat a little?  Especially if you do so early in the day — i.e. take in a few extra calories between breakfast and lunch but eat a normal dinner, you could emerge the next day feeling no perceivable changes in your digestion, energy, etc., even though you did what you did the previous day.  This, I believe is what lures people into a false sense  of security and inaction.  My challenge, therefore, lies heavily in striking a happy medium between the two extremes:  to not binge, and for many reasons, but to also not let the occasional slip-up become anything more than occasional.  I have to react to these indiscretions with the same voracity that I do a binge, or I’m setting myself up for that same steady creep that resulted in ## extra pounds lo so many years ago.  I will NOT go there.  I was miserable on a level that is indescribable; I would actually rather be riddled with an eating disorder of the first order for  the rest of my life than let my body return to that place.  At that weight, I’m useless.  I don’t function well, I’m distracted every second of the day by how bloated and imbalanced I look and feel.  I’m not healthy and I’m aware of it when I’m there.  But I also know how physically awful it is to binge, what it does to my body.  I don’t want to remain so reliant on that behavior as my “parent” — the impetus to snap myself back on track.  I want to snap and stay on track through other, more mature, internal motivations.  That’s what these 90 days are all about.

Anyway, on to my post title.  Both of my slip-ups this week involved parmesan cheese.  This is definitely a good example of a craving that long since ran its course, only you cling to the food item not for the actual satisfaction it brings you, but out of habit.  You don’t enjoy it nearly as much as you think you will or remember doing so, but you turn to it anyway at a moment of concentration lapse.

So I’m officially moving it from my food plan list to off of it.  It’s no good for me, salty and loaded with saturated fat.  I’m definitely much better off without it and now I’m making it official.  Done.

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