Letting go of TV: The relief this is bringing

Right off the bat I need to clarify that I have not completely stopped watching TV.  But in recent months especially, I have finally made good on my desire to drastically cut down on my TV watching, and hope to keep this trend going.  TV, like excess food eaten compulsively, stopped “working” a long time ago, and in itself became this bizarre “no, that’s not quite it, <switch the channel>…no, that’s not it, either, <click>….etc.” addiction.  You know that image of the rat persisting in pushing the button to get the pellet, even though the pellet no longer comes out regularly, only once in a great, great, great while?  That’s pretty much the point I’d reached with TV.  I don’t know if the programming that’s on has shifted enough so that there’s just not a whole lot of options that interest me….or if it’s that I have changed enough that my mind just can’t get “sucked” into that “zone” when watching (maybe a little of both?), but I sometimes think my ED and TV habits fueled each other in a peculiar way, especially as both stopped working for me.  It’s like I’d get so frustrated that I couldn’t find anything to watch while eating (the two for me went hand in hand), that I would eat more…..and the more I found that excess food, even what I would call those “big ticket item” foods, didn’t succeed in putting me in that “zone,” the more I kept reverting back to the same stupid reruns or movies that I once found extremely gratifying to watch.  It was a horrible habit cycle to be caught up in, especially since I stopped being able to experience that temporary satiety I was so desperately seeking.

So a few months ago I finally said “Enough!” with TV.  Watching TV during the day has not even been a temptation for years — too busy with work — so no issues there.  But where I’m vulnerable is in preparing my evening meal, watching TV while eating dinner, and then keeping that drone of the TV on as “background amusement” for the rest of the evening.  I remain eternally grateful that we agreed to not have a TV in the bedroom, so thank God once we’re in bed there’s full sanctuary from TV there.  But those evening hours were a problem, for many reasons.

Initially, I simply unplugged the kitchen TV and set it down on the floor.  Easy enough.  I then brought a portable radio/CD player in the kitchen, and used it for mealtime (I still like to have some music or talking at that time, at least most of the time).  If I found a good podcast, I’d pull my computer into the kitchen and listen to that during the meal prep and dinner.  I also began to try timing dinner so that both my husband and I could at least spend part of that time together.  Our work schedules, unfortunately, often leave us having to eat separately, so rearranging things so that at least 3-4 times a week we have that dinner time together has certainly helped.  Amazing how enjoyable it is when you can actually talk to someone during the meal — DUH!

The change in me just from this one action has been profound.  I think the landscape of TV has a more powerful influence on my thinking than I like to admit.  I mean, I’ve always been only too aware of the bombardment of images that create a “beauty ideal” against which I can’t possibly compete (because they’re not real, in the sense that these images are created with the help of lighting, makeup artists, hours spent on hair, post-production magic, etc.).  And as you can probably sense just from the tone of my description, I’ve also been extremely vocal about it.  I think my favorite is when you watch a TV commercial for some outlandishly rich food, and you have a woman who looks like a runway model, popping the item into her mouth with this carefree smile, followed by a facial expression typically only produced, say, when you’re receiving a delightful neck rub.  So NOT reality, and yet there must be some part of me that absorbs that message and uses it as a weapon against my better judgment!  But I think there are many other, more insidious, effects from watching TV.  I don’t even know where to start with them, partly because I think there are so many, partly because I probably can’t fully comprehand them all.  All I know is, without TV, I swear it’s like I can feel my mind “breathing,” as though somehow having TV is like having to breathe in a smoke-filled room.  You can do it, and maybe from time to time you get a reprieve by stepping outside or sticking your head out the window (and even then you’re still stuck with the particulates in your lungs from breathing in that smoke), but there’s this sutle suppression, even suffocation that keeps you from really feeling the health of a full breath.  Yet if you get out of town and spend a week outside in fresh air, you feel your breath just opening up, and even the air looks clearer.  This is my best description of how I feel without TV.

Now, I’m still working on striking a balance.  From time to time, I have gone ahead and “tested the waters” — turned on a favorite TV show (typically one that’s been recorded) and let it play during dinner, especially on days when I get home quite late and feel that need for “brain candy decompression.”  But most of the time, I end up turning it off halfway through, as it’s just not doing the trick at all.  I think the more I stay on this path, the more I will move from even needing to think about turning to TV — if that’s what I want (right now it is).

As for after dinner, I don’t really watch TV anymore, but I can’t impose this on my husband, who still enjoys a few select shows and the occasional Netflix instant download.  So for the most part, I simply turn my attention to something else while TV is on.  I do sometimes ask him if he wouldn’t mind our not having TV on at all, and he’s been extremely gracious in obliging me when I ask.  If he really did want to watch something, of course I would let it go, but I think much of the post-dinner TV is just another habit, which is why he has no problem turning it off.  And truth be told, sometimes it’s nice to pop in a favorite DVD and let it play while we work on our evening activities.  There are a couple of travelogues that we both love, and have seen so many times we could lip-synch the presenter’s commentaries, but for some reason, we still enjoy having them on.  I’m not worrying about that — this is an experiment to improve the quality of our lives, not to get a “perfect report card” for “no TV watching”!

I hope to keep going with this.  Knowing how furiously addicted I was to “those same shows and movies” for so long, it’s required some creativity to find other outlets, more gratifying outlets, to take the place of TV.  But I think I can continue to build on this.  The thing that’s helping me is realizing that these reruns are the past.  The past is done.  If I want to continue to move forward with my life, to become whoever it is I’m becoming, I have to let go of the past, which includes clinging to the same shows that have long since expired for me.  I have to trust that I will continue to find new sources of amusement, and that they are not likely to be TV but something else.  It’s actually exciting, like a whole new adventure of discovery!

And best of all, no crummy commercials to have to fast-forward through!

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A great week!

My last entry was a sort of condensed “Where am I now” update, badly needed as there was a huge time gap since my last post.  I won’t rehash it, obviously, but I wanted to post and update since that update.  In last week’s post, I’d mentioned that there appears to be a new path unfolding for me with regard to my recovery, and although I didn’t elaborate on it in detail (and I’m still refraining from doing so, sorry), I want to give a little follow up on how this past week has gone on this seemingly new path.

The answer is, so far, so good!  I’m feeling an irrefutable groundswell of change happening, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time to be in this place.  Basically, I’m in the process of letting go of certain habits — both those that are simply outright destructive and those that either enable the destructive habits, or just have reached the point in which they’ve run their course, they’re no longer particularly useful, and it’s time I move on from them.  Altogether, it’s putting me in a very strange place, mentally.  I feel a bit like a trapeze artist, who has relinquished her grip from one trapeze, and is now suspended mid-air until I can grab hold of the next trapeze that swings my way.  But I’m not fighting this.  I know that this is just where I need to be until new habits get formed.  Truthfully, I’m already feeling a shift even from a week ago.  I’m also welcoming whatever anxiety or urges or annoyances I’m confronting, it’s empowering to feel them and realize I don’t have to turn to certain behaviors even when they hit!  “Bring it on!”  The other side effect this is having is….I feel a little spacey.  I’ve often joked that I seem to have my best presentations, speeches, conversations, etc. when I’m having a bad day, or something majorly wrong has happened that day.  My theory is that there’s a part of my brain that is momentarily staying “occupied” by the bad stuff, liberating the part of my brain that focuses and connects with just the right communication processes.  Well right now it’s the opposite; I’m having a hard time articulating my thoughts, my phone calls are awkward, I seem easily distracted, etc.  This is very irritating and unnerving as I have always prided myself with my ability to communicate well, my wit, etc., and to come away from any of my exchanges with another person feeling good about how it went.  Not so at the moment.  But I’m assuming that, too, will get better over time, as my brain learns to function in the absence of certain habits and as I forge new ones.  But it’s interesting to observe!

So….we’ll see how this week unfolds.

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Looking back at myself via past posts: Good? Bad? Excessive?

It occurred to me, as I wrote my latest post yesterday, what a different person I am today than a few months ago, or six months ago, a year ago, etc.  In some ways, I think my eating disorder — or more accurately, the person I was when I let myself live in that state of escapism/immaturity, in which the ED was more a symptom/vehicle than the core problem — slowed down my growth and development as a person so much, that these last several years have been a sort of “accelerated growth/change” time for me, in which I seem to be catching up at almost an alarming pace.  Truthfully, sometimes TOO alarming, where even that creates a panic that can send me back to the ED.  But my hope is that it’s all casting enough of a light on what Life (capital L) is like when it’s lived fully, what it can be like if I allow it/me to reach its/my full potential, that even when I slip I still retain enough awareness to now know what I’m shooting for.  I don’t ever want to go back.  These last seductive elements of the ED can be SO difficult to release; I suspect that when I can somehow mentally associate them with those elements that I have so eagerly let go of….an era in which I was living so differently, so small….I will have a much easier time casting those remnants off for good as well.

But I digress, the point of this post is to muse about how different I must seem now vs. when I began this blog, and everywhere in between.  I guess that’s inevitable — and quite possibly, the whole point.  I mean, why start a blog that’s centered around healing, self-improvement, etc. if you’re not doing it in part to help accomplish that goal, which by extension means basically you’re to evolve into a different person?

But still, I wonder.  I wonder what kind of impression people must form of me if they should stumble onto this blog and read a post of mine from a long time ago.  Note I said “wonder” and not “worry”; it’s not a concern of mine what they think, but it’s so interesting to realize that the impression they might form may not be accurate, at least not any more.  Just a weird and interesting feeling, knowing that I now have this sort of metamorphosing ink blot record of where I was prior to now.

I actually have yet to look back at old posts.  I’m not sure there’s much value in doing so for me.  Oh don’t get me wrong, I know it’s important to remember where I’ve come from, to help ensure I don’t go back to those unpleasant parts, but part of me feels like most of that is intuitive; do I really need to read it in detail to have a good sense of where I am today relative to how things were?  I don’t have a definitive answer, just musing.

But now the siren call of chores is trumping it all, so away I go….

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More on How It Happened (my recent journey into 12 steps)

Somewhat a continuation of yesterday’s (June 1) post.  So read that for reference if you haven’t already.

What a curious and unforseen journey this is shaping up to be.  Before I elaborate on what has happened, what led to this new leaf, I should probably mention what (apparently) precipitated it.  These things can be hard to pinpoint in one neat and tidy explanation; really, how do I KNOW what prompted me to suddenly seek out a bunch of podcasts of a certain 12-step program?  And what then prompted me to quietly begin considering how I might apply those principles to my own life, and to then test the waters?  I doubt I’ll ever fully know.  But that seems to be part of the appeal for me.  I don’t really have to know such answers, at least in terms of getting better.  The solution remains the same regardless.  What a relief!  How freeing!

But for the sake of story telling, and assuming there’s still some value in self-knowledge, I’ll give some specifics.  I had been finding that the more “living” I’ve been doing, the more I’ve been putting myself out there, pushing past my comfort zone and embarking on more and more extensive adventures…..the more I found that my current m.o. with my eating was no longer “good enough.”  It’s interesting to note that certain behaviors of mine, particularly unplanned overeating (as opposed to, say, a planned and greatly anticipated upcoming Friday night pizza splurge), can be seemingly benign and unobtrusive as long as life is relatively small (and, admittedly, all the more so since these deviations were generally sporadic enough so as to not really affect my weight).  I admit that, in the spirit of “the path of least resistence” or “do only the bare minimum,” I allowed certain insane behaviors to remain in place, unchallenged, due to these very reasons.  But as my life became bigger, as I pushed and continued experiencing more and more growth…..darn it if I found that these behaviors were beginning to impede on my life, in a way that was unacceptable to me.  And on top of that, I’ve been finding myself increasingly…..protective….caring….about my body.  I guess I finally opened my eyes to the awfulness of the effects of this behavior, the turmoil it causes my body even if relatively “mild” (in comparison to what it had been in the past, what it “could” be) and temporary.  It increasingly broke my heart to see my body go through the aftermath, like a wounded beloved pet or other helpless animal.  So the desire to change, I believe, really and truly came from this groundswell within; it really had little to do with “weight” per se, more a genuine desire to be able to live life freely no matter how “big” it gets, and to take as good a care as I can to this wonderful and cherished body I have been entrusted with.

But what prompted actual action was an upcoming trip.  This was to be a high-action trip, one for which there would be no room for “error,” in that I could NOT imagine experiencing the trip with any distraction from my eating.  Just the mere thought of harming the experience through such pointless behavior caused my chest to constrict.  I knew that I had to “get clean” for the trip and have a plan in place to somehow suspend my behaviors and have healthy ones in their place, be they temporary or the start of something long-term.

I had already made some internal shifts, I believe, when I began listening to the podcasts.  But without a doubt, listening to the speakers struck a huge chord with me.  I found myself letting go of preconceived ideas, found myself feeling the excitement that comes with approaching something with an open mind, something I thought I was good at but soon concluded that I definitely was less practiced at this than I had originally believed.  But now I found myself, for the first time that I can ever remember, confronting the fears and anxieties and other such reactions with a, “Well take a deep breath and….why not?  Don’t panic, just listen and see what happens.”  And that was the turning point.  What could I lose?  Why not consider some new, uncharted territory?  I felt secure enough with where I’ve brought myself to believe that if I really felt the need to retreat, I could put myself back on my own track and go on my merry way.  But somehow I sensed that this made sense, that this was and is the right step for myself.

And I can only say, something magical happened.  Something switched inside me.  I’m going to skip past a couple of weeks, though I will say the trip was AWESOME.  Truly life-changing, and in so many ways and I know much of it had to do with the shift I’d made in the period leading up to it and the trip itself.  I knew something was happening just by the fact that I kept it to myself until after we’d returned from the trip.  Normally, I tell my husband EVERYTHING, but this time I really felt the need to stay private about it, let this internal journey be mine, at least until I knew whether this was really going somewhere.

Anyway, but aside from the amazing trip that resulted, I believe, largely from this internal shift, something astonishing happened upon our return that REALLY illuminated my internal change.  Ordinarily, upon returning from a trip, it’s not unusual for me to indulge myself foods/treats that I was unable to access on the trip.  Since eating cleanly on a trip is nothing new to me — it’s my normal mode, as I like to keep things simple in that regard, it’s not unusual to have a rather mono-food diet while traveling, which I actually enjoy as it forces me to extract pleasure from foods I normally overlook when I have access to more varieity.  But it still means I miss certain foods, and I have found it’s simply easiest to allow one indulgent dinner/evening following my return, get it “out of my system,” and voila, I’m back on track.  And although this trip brought forth certain changes that were new for me, overall my eating on this trip was probably not so very different from my normal “clean travel diet,” which meant I once again anticipated my upcoming “treat night” upon our return.

And although we were returning on a Sunday, I did not want to make Sunday night Treat Night as I hate starting off my Monday/week with a foggy head and bloaty digestion.  But looking at my calendar, I noticed that Tuesday would be a mostly work-out-of-the-house day.  Perfect, I thought, I’ll allow my Treat Night for Monday.

So here’s the astonishing part.  I woke up Monday morning, got dressed and ready for work.  Yet….I found myself strangely undesiring of having any treats that day.  Understand, once I make such a decision, normally that’s it, there’s no revisiting it, and I must admit I spend much of my day thinking about the goodies I will be indulging myself that evening.  So for me to have even one second thought is unheard of.  Yet here I was, going about my day, not wanting to follow through with it.  The reason?  Not because of the anticipated digestion/foggy head woes, but because I had had such an amazing trip….I didn’t want to end the afterglow just yet.  I knew that the moment I truly gave in to allowing this treat night, my mind would cease all thoughts of the trip and go back to its “pre trip” orientation.  I couldn’t bear the thought.  Maybe later, I thought.  But…..not today.  So I made the decision to hold off.  Yes, I did.  And I nearly cried, it’s like I could feel my body smiling at the joy of knowing it would not be inundated with food it did not need, food that would offer nothing nutritionally.  Talk about a change!

So that in itself was its own reward; arriving home from work, cooking up a delicious, wholesome, and modest meal, and savoring it and the feeling of going to bed comfortable, and of course of waking up comfortable.  I literally danced around happily!

BUT this wasn’t the only gift.  For this decision of mine was even more fortuitous than I initially realized.  A couple hours into the day, I got a call from a close friend, in urgent need of going out for coffee to talk — highly unusual as most of us in my social circle are busy enough that such spontaneous get-togethers are rare.  But I said “of course” and we met up.  Turns out my friend was experiencing a huge personal crisis and needed the support of someone who cares, and chose me to be that someone.  And here I was, stepping to the plate and able to be there for my friend.  I can assure you, had I followed through with my original Treat Night plan, I would NOT have been able to be so supportive, so fully present with all of my being.  I might not even have agreed to go, might have come up with a “legitimate” excuse for why I could not.  I shudder to think of this, but I also can’t help but think….was there some Higher Power in effect, steering me?  How else do you explain the series of events?  At the very least, I feel as though some form of divine intervention was in play.

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Wow, 364 days (and 12 steps) later

How strange, that the very next time I feel inclined to post is almost exactly one year to the date from my last post!  I haven’t even read that post yet, so you and I will together have a new experience after I finish writing this.

So I suppose I should offer a bit of a year in summary before I get into today’s topic.  LOTS has happened since a year ago.  It’s almost mind-boggling, yet probably only to me (and my husband, who knows me best), as much of the change is internal and/or subtle in the overall big picture.

For starters, last summer had brought with it some changes in my nutrition that finally rendered some much-sought results in fall (that’s code for, I stopped eating certain foods and finally saw a return of more sharply defined muscles and a boost in my energy/mood), and I fell into a pattern that felt quite comfortable and sustainable.  The summer also brought some terrific high points with regard to my athletics, and to be sure it was a period of tremendous growth for me.  I began to commit more to activities for which disordered eating (specifically, unplanned extra eating, sometimes resulting in a full-blown binge, causing unwanted digestive discomfort) was not compatable, which was great in that it further illuminated the fact that I was shifting from prioritizing the momentary, instant relief I feel when I’m engaged in those behaviors (the food but also the “attending to the aftermath” which is also a distraction)….to the more gratifying participation in life and interacting with the people in my life.

And as I said, the physical effects of some of these changes were seen especially in the fall, almost “overnight.”  Even though I believe it was the accumulation of consistent changes and work, it was as though all of a sudden my body “clicked” in a way it hadn’t in the months prior, certainly not in the winter/early spring months.  So a good reminder that it’s important to stay the course that you truly believe is better for yourself, even if the anticipated changes/results are not quite happening in the time frame you were expecting.

So my fall was quite a pleasing experience.  I made some changes and strides professionally as well.  I have learned that I’m a creature that needs to be around people at least some of the time, even when I’m doing work that involves just myself and my computer.   So I made some changes to address that.  Overall, an ongoing “coming out of my shell” would be a good way to sum it up.  NOT without challenges and low points, mind you, but definitely a net positive journey.

Then winter set in and sheesh, it’s scary and deflating that no matter how determined I am, no matter what the tools in my arsenal, I seem to lose the wind in my sails.  It’s like winter takes me in my perfectly happy state, chews me up and then spits me out, leaving me raw and disoriented and having to heal those wounds just to get back to where I left off.  The lack of inspiring landscape immediately around us coupled with the endless cold and gray…..it doesn’t do my body or mind good, though it sure does force me to flex my “look at the bright side” muscles.  The one positive I have to say is that my eating (and exercise, though the latter is a given, I love to move) was more balanced than it has been in previous winters.  The trouble was, and it’s the same issue of the previous winter, despite my shoring up my eating even more (to the best of my assessment) cleanly than that of fall, my body was not responding in kind.  In fact on the contrary, it was much harder to stay within my goal weight range, and worse for me, my body shape was once again “not itself,” odd subtle changes that caused my clothes to look different even when my weight was more or less the same.  I realize these are small matters in the overall scheme of things, but for my can’t-find-the-shutoff-valve mind, all I do is wonder wonder wonder why the very measures that rendered such different results as recently as 4-5 months ago….could be so useless now.  Does not compute!

So suffice it to say, it was par for my usual mid/late winter progression:  out of sorts, frustrated, making tweaks in spite of feeling emotionally all over the place and feeling frustrated that my efforts were not being duly rewarded with the kind of changes I had come to expect from my body.  But worse….MUCH worse….I was increasingly aware of the effect this was all having on my living.  I’m realizing more and more how much I DON’T want to go through life with my greatest immediate accomplishment being that of, “she knows how to get/keep a buff body.”  I want to be of help/use to others.  Yes, I know I’m already of some help/use with loved ones, friends, my husband, my job….but I’m still consuming WAY too much physical, mental and spiritual energy around this thing.  And I’m increasingly realizing how much I’m missing out on in so doing, how much I have NOT done or how much I have not been present due to the demands of this behavior — indulging it and then recovering from it.  And finally, I’m realizing how much I am NOT in control of the outcome, anyway, so why am I trying to hard to engineer it?

Well that final conclusion, that’s actually come along in recent weeks.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  So let me backtrack to mid-March.

I don’t know why, I can’t even pinpoint the specific day, but for some reason, I found myself hunting down some podcasts of a 12-step program.  And upon listening to that very first one, I was immediately riveted.  It was not my first exposure to 12-step programs; I had read a memoir of somebody’s experience with one, which I’d enjoyed.  And I had, in fact, looked into such an option for myself on more than one occasion (haha, always in March, do you suppose winter has some role in all of this?).  But I never acted on the research for various reasons, not the least of which is the internal clash I have with some of the philosophies of such a program.  But I suppose the “take what you need and leave the rest” suggestion kept my mind open enough so that when the time was right and I was ready, I could take that next step.

So suddenly I was listening to stories of people who were articulate, intelligent, witty (of course all the traits I like to think I possess!)…..and yet who somehow found long-term relief from their eating behaviors, which they assert were part and parcel of a bigger-picture spiritual malady.  I found myself suspending whatever reservations I might have and simply listened, figuring there would be value in gleaning something, anything, from their anecdotes.

And quietly, gently, almost imperceptibly, I found myself making changes.  They were internalized and external as well, and they felt quite different from anywhere I had been before.  It was as though I’d crossed a threshold from one phase of my life to a new one, and I was now setting out to build that new infrastructure.

Well hopefully it won’t be another year until I report back!   I’m excited about all that has happened and hope to share the details in subsequent posts.

Be well and thank you for reading!

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The serenity of binge-free living

As you probably have deduced, I’m not using or updating this blog very regularly these days (how’s that for a fancy way to say I’ve been completely MIA?).  Truth be told, I find that my ability to benefit from such an outlet fluctuates; sometimes I do better by actually distancing myself from any focus — blogs, books, message boards, etc. — on anything that has to do with eating disorders or weight or food issues.  By shifting my focus away from those things AND surrounding myself with a lifestyle and people who represent anything BUT those things, it’s almost as though I “forget” to have such issues.  Sometimes I think there’s a danger in all this self-help via interacting (or lurking, anyway) with others, because doing so can “normalize” what is otherwise very unacceptable behavior, IMO.  For example, certain behaviors or perceptions may not even OCCUR to me, yet in an environment in which people with weight or eating issues are discussing their problems/recovery, I may encounter individuals who engage in these things.  And while at first I may read with a sense of detached curiosity, you read it often enough and suddenly it doesn’t seem so odd, and suddenly you find your own mind is actually absorbing some of these things, and it starts to pollute your own thinking.  By cutting loose and instead only conversing with people who have never had eating issues, I remind myself what “normal/healthy” looks like.  I realize my own version of “normal/healthy” may not ever be quite there — my history brings with it some realities that I ought not be naive enough to ignore.  But who knows?  Time does great things, and through repetition, it’s amazing how much a person can change, to where there’s not even a hint of a resemblence to their former self or way of thinking.

Ha ha, I’m making it sound like I’m desiring such a dramatic change!  No.  But do I think I benefit greatly from getting out of any “ED recovery” environment or mindset?  Yes, absolutely.  Where I’ll ultimately go….again, who knows?

Anyway, but I’d had a recent turn of events that threw me into a bit of turmoil.  Happily, that turmoil is being resolved, but out of the crisis an interesting lesson was illuminated for me.

I have often lamented (tongue-in-cheek), particularly when I’ve prepared for my various athletic events, about how well nutritious eating “works.”  Meaning, by golly, when I’m forced to eat absolutely cleanly for a long, unbroken stretch of time, usually because I’m training much more intensively and have ambitious goals for a given athletic event, I not only see the influence of properly chosen foods and supplements on my body and athletic performance, I also experience a remarkable, almost unbelievable, release from all my cravings.  Whereas I normally can navigate the ebbs and surges of my appetite and cravings without too much problem — they’re there, but with good nutrition and other tools in place, I can ignore and/or work with them effectively, during these extra-clean eating times, it goes even beyond that; I literally lose the cravings.  Eating my planned meals is effortless, I lose my hunger and yet have boundless energy.  It’s not the most “fun” I’ve had with my eating — the foods are typically not the kind that hit people’s Top 10 list of favorite cheat items, but it feels a small sacrifice when compared with the reprieve it gives me from the daily challenge of appetite management.  Why, you wonder, do I ever stray from such synchronicity?  Like everything, little by little, I let “things” chip away at the oh-so-well-oiled-machine, and while my weight pretty much remains the same, I gradually find myself back to the usual m.o., which includes clean eating, just enough “non clean” eating to satisfy my perceived cravings and to stimulate some new cravings of their own, with willpower kicking in to keep things from moving in the direction of those cravings.  I know, deep down, that if I bring myself back to that more simple eating arrangement, I will probably go back to a craving-free existence, but there’s a reluctance that’s hard to penetrate if I don’t have some overarching motivator, such as an athletic event to prepare for.  Perhaps one of these days things will “stick” more than they have thus far.

With that in mind, recently I had experienced a “mysterious” weight gain.  Now hear me out, I’m normally a person who rolls her eyes at the notion of “mysterious” weight gain.  There’s no mystery; you took in more calories than you burned.  Simple as that.  And this, I believe, is still true.  But considering I’m as vigilant as I’ve always been about weighing my food, measuring my food, tracking my daily calories, recording my food intake and my exercise…… the sudden (as in, over a couple of months’ time) weight gain and notable change of body composition truly had me baffled.  By weight gain, I mean relatively small; about 5-6 pounds over my norm.  But on my frame….it looked AWFUL!  But worst of all, I just couldn’t find a good reason.  If anything, my eating and exercise were even tighter than they were in the preceding 6-8 months.  It was baffling and frightening.  It took a long time for me to get to the level of management of my eating (and the ED) that I currently have, and the thought that I might have to make additional tweaks was overwhelming me.  It didn’t help that I was emerging from one of the hardest and harshest winters our area has ever had.  Clearly Seasonal Affective Disorder was a factor in my dispondence.  And while the extra weight may not seem like a big deal, it was just enough to not only force me out of most of my clothes, but to feel….compromised.  I know at what weight range I look irrefutably at my personal best, and this wasn’t it.  I looked bloated, puffy, definitely imbalanced.  I had been at this weight many years before, but back then it was somehow healthier, more fit, even if it still wasn’t my goal weight.  This?  It didn’t even look like me.

I’ll spare the details of how we finally figured out what the problem was — or at least, what we believe the problem was.  Suffice it to say, we did resolve the problem, and I have taken most of the weight off.  I’m now up by a pound or two and can expect the rest to fall into place soon enough.

But the “why” isn’t really the point here.  My point is what I experienced while trying to deal with the mysterious problem.  Because I had no idea what was going on, only that I was gaining weight mysteriously, one of the changes I had to make was to further shore up my eating.  I needed to make certain that I was truly being accurate in my intake and consistent in staying within my allocated caloric boundaries.  I also figured that darn it, if I was gaining weight now, while eating so cleanly, there was no telling what awful consequence would befall me if I dared stray from my eating plan.  So no cheats.  For a long time.

And that is why I make this post.  Because admittedly, as I have referenced before, I had become accustomed, over the years, to a management strategy whereby I would eat cleanly and exercise regularly, enough so that my metabolism could handle a (usually) once-a-week cheat.  Good enough, except that these cheats were often quite grand in scale — cookies, pizza, cheese, chocolate, eaten to the point of discomfort.  It’s been hard to curtail this one remnant of my ED (which at times didn’t look particularly ED’d, more just the kind of nibble fest people often experience on a Saturday night), as it would often take a good 2-3 days for me to feel recovered from the consequences of my splurge.  And while I didn’t always turn to such decadence on a weekly basis, I would still allow at least 2 days each week in which I’d eat way, way more than my body needed of even “healthy” food, such as trail mix or apples or sugar-free pudding.  And while my weight somehow remained consistent despite these occasional flights of fancy, the cycle of dealing with the added quantity of food on my gastrointestinal tract….the distress it would cause….was awful.  Part of my challenge over these last several months has been to work on lessening the severity.  I say “lessen the severity” because I don’t necessarily think I can nor should abolish these occasional deviations from my food plan.  But of course, there’s a huge difference between having an extra helping of a treat food or cooking a particular recipe in its “full fat” version but otherwise leave the day’s eating the same….vs. what I was doing, which definitely went beyond where it should be.  But….old habits die hard.  Choose your poison, and all of that.

So imagine the unexpected “gift” this recent dilemma gave to me.  For while I was decidedly unhappy with my situation — that is, I was annoyed with what was happening to my body and consumed about trying to figure out what the heck was going on,  I found myself, on a particularly difficult day, taking note of one shining light:  the serenity of being away from bingeing.  Because of my body’s apparant rebellion, I had vigilantly kept myself away from eating outside of my meal plan, and for a long stretch of time.  In this case, it had been weeks since I’d last strayed, and prior to that stumble, a few additional weeks still.  Altogether, I had had almost a couple of months without bingeing (my term for those Saturday and/or weeknight cheats), and I have to tell you….. it was wonderful.  While I was still struggling to find outfits that fit me, I could at least feel the serenity that comes when the body hasn’t been inundated with excess food.  My mind was cleaerer, my energy levels more even, my digestive tract at relative peace.

Well, happily, the few changes that I felt were needed, that I felt may provide the relief my body needed from what appeared to be going on….did finally start to take effect.  I began to see “my” body re-emerge, which was a huge relief, indeed.  I had a few athletic events come and go as well during that time, and found the problem to be almost 100% resolved.

So you know what happened next.  Of course!  Problem solved, success at my athletic events, which means it must be time to celebrate!  Mind you, I’m not out of the woods yet, especially since the whole point is to bring myself back to where I normally MAINTAIN myself, not just some bottom-end extreme from which I can then promptly rebound.  But sure enough, at the first opportunity (read:  where I had a day of down time afterward, allowing me to become cave-dweller and digest quietly out of the radar of most humanity), I merrily high-tailed it to the store, picking out all the sugar-fat-kitchen-sink delights I had so steadfastilly kept myself away from for so long.  It was almost head-spinning — literally — to experience these foods again, like switching on a bunch of neuro-receptors that had become dormant (not unlike what I imagine it’s like to smoke a cigarette after having quit for a while).  A couple of hours and a distended belly later, I couldn’t believe I had once again let myself fall into that bizarre, pre-binge amnesia, where I seem to forget how truly horrible the aftermath is — much more horrible than any pleasure obtained from the taste of the food.

So okay, a trip, stumble and fall.  It happens.  Move on.  Only…. I’ve had a couple more since.  So now I’m back to shoring up my eating and be more guarded on what behaviors and foods I allow over the next week or so.  Having had some blissful reprieve from my last binge, I can once again taste that serenity that I recently experienced, and I’m anxious to return to that place more solidly.  It’s fresh in my mind, and I’m grateful to have been, albeit through strange circumstances, forced to rout out some remnant destructive behaviors so as to let me catch a glimpse of it!  I don’t want to forget it anytime soon.  Talk about realizing how ready I am to be rid of those remnants, once and for all! 

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Changing my blog name and my tagline

Change.  One of the best words of advice I have ever received was that in order to be successful in life — and to be happy, you have to be willing to change, and to change constantly.  That’s something that didn’t come naturally to me.  I’ve had to work on not only accepting change, but also in engineering it (i.e. recognizing when the time has come, and putting it into motion), but in doing so, I can concur that I’m so much happier as a result.

With that in mind, if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll notice a change.  If you haven’t, it’s probably good to at least have this full disclosure.

I started this blog about two months ago, and called it “The Part-time Bulimic,” with the tagline Because I hate the word ‘recovering’.  I chose the two for a couple of reasons.  One, because my ED, if I even still have one, had dwindled over the years to the point where it didn’t technically fit any clinical definition.  But I couldn’t deny that some undesired behaviors still remained, and being one who values authenticity and transparency (I despise the notion of deluding oneself, especially with semantics), I wanted some way to acknowledge these behaviors, since much of my posts would be focused around dealing with eating issues.  As for the tagline….. I still find the word “recovering” a bit odd.  To me, life entails many struggles and behaviors — not just food or weight-related — that we aren’t happy with, yet we don’t call our growth or improvement from these things “recovery” or “recovering.”  Why should eating behaviors be any different?  To me, it all umbrellas under the process of learning, healing, seeking, maturing, etc. that defines the human experience.

But right or wrong, there aren’t a whole lot of alternative words to indicate that a behavior has either ended or there’s at least an effort underway to stop it (or manage it or minimize it or <insert comparable verbs here>.

So… “Recovering” it is.  I’m now the “Recovering Part-time Bulimic.”  Truthfully, the more accurate title would be “FORMER Part-time Bulimic,” but right or wrong, I feel like I’d be naively testing the fates if I were to make such a bold declaration.  Let’s hope the word “former” continues to apply even if it never officially becomes part of my title!

As for the “Working on it!”…..that’s because I am.  And more over, I’m experiencing success at it.  I don’t want to imply that I’m somehow “settling” into my ways and not making an effort to rout out behaviors that are either destructive or useless or just plain outdated.

On the other hand, I stand by my appraisal that I will always be “different” in my approach to eating, exercise and lifestyle.  I can’t say what all contributes to this reality.  I actually don’t think this is ED-related; or if it is, the ED history is simply part of what factors in here.  I suspect that it’s a composite of my personality type, my upbringing and life experiences, my genetics, my goals and priorities in life, environmental factors, and of course, certain habits and preferences (either deep-seated or evolutional).  But maybe it’s only some of these things, maybe it’s something else.

But I’m reaching the point in which I really don’t care WHAT causes me to be different.  All I know is I am, and that’s okay.  The good news is, I don’t need to know what fuels the way I am.  I know my frailties, I know my strengths, and I know how to manage both.  I accept that there will need to be deliberate efforts on my part to keep myself where I wish to be, both in terms of my health and in terms of my life goals and values.

And I know that the process of healing and recovery is ongoing.  I acknowledge that there’s always work to be done, no matter how much progress you make.  But whereas at one time I felt frustrated at this — just when you think you’re about to reach the summit, surprise! there’s another stretch of uphill trail that you couldn’t see from further below, I now embrace it.  To be “working on it” is to be alive.  I’m learning to enjoy the view as every climb is its own summit!

So there you go!  Now you know what prompted this CHANGE (forgive the all caps, I’m still reveling in my learning to embrace it).

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