“Play the tape all the way through to the end”

I recently heard this piece of advice on the subject of staying on path with recovery, the idea being that if you find your mind toying with picking up your addictive substance or behavior of choice, and you find yourself falling into the “trap” rationalization of “I’ll just have one” or “I’ll just do a little bit” or whatever…..that you “play the tape all the way through to the end” in your mind.  What has happened every (or almost every) other time you have tried this?

I just love this!  I’m finding it’s a great — if sobering — way to keep myself grounded in reality, and not in wishful or magical thinking.  I’m also finding it a useful tool in other thought processes.  Like, the other day, I was out for a run, and found myself feeling a bit self-conscious (sigh, some body image issues are tough to die) about my legs.  Whereas they are normally very lean and muscular, if I’ve consumed too many carbs or too much sodium on a given day, I can see a “softening” to them the next day.  Given that my legs have always been my best feature, this distresses me, which is ridiculous, I know, and for many reasons.  But still, it does.  I feel more timid when I go out for a run, like somehow the world is noticing the momentary change.  I know, how self-centered can you get!  But now I’m using the “play the tape” cue to walk myself out of that thinking.  In the case of this run, while running I thought, “Gosh, I feel embarrassed about my legs.”  Play the tape some more:  Why?  “Because they’re softer today as a result of yesterday’s carbs and sodium.”  Play the tape some more:  And?  “And I feel like I don’t look as much like a runner to passing motorists and fellow pedestrians.”  More tape:  And?  “And….well that doesn’t really matter, does it?”  Still more tape:  Anything else?  “I can choose to make better food choices, such as reduce my sodium, which is probably better for my health, anyway, but more importantly, I need to stay focused on my work and being the person I was meant to be, which may include being at my personal fitness best, but thankfully does not include ‘being the most fit and buff runner people have ever seen.’ ”

Not the most impressive self-talk, perhaps, but it did change my thinking, so I’m calling it progress.  I’m definitely adding this one to my tool bag!

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The danger — and illusion — of “hide behind” clothing

Went for a run today, which is always good for clearing the head but also giving me “ah-hah!” moments.  One I already alluded to in another post:  “hide me” clothes.  What seems soooooo wonderful and comfy and safe at times….actually turns out to be harmful for my long-term well-being.

I go through phases in which my body weight has stabilized on its low end (I fluctuate by 3-4 pounds generally, but have a small frame so even this kind of swing looks very different), where I can comfortably wear those clothing items I love the most and feel 100% comfortable wearing them.  I feel happy, but I have to be careful that I don’t get complacent.  It can be easy to talk yourself into something you know you shouldn’t have, simply because you “have some wiggle room” — be it in your jeans or on the scale.  Mind you, why would I *want* to give up that wiggle room — obviously, I don’t.  Right or wrong, I love when I’m at a level of leanness in which I can see my abs and my legs are very sculpted.  To overeat at that point would be idiotic, and yet I do, at least sometimes.

But then there are times when I am in a bad spell.  Maybe I’ve put on 2-3 pounds or even 5 pounds from the low end of my range, where I’m really starting to feel lousy both about my weight and my eating habits.  At times like that I find myself feeling more stressed at having to wear revealing clothing; all I want to do is hide under my sweaters, sweatshirts, etc.  I can always tell when I’ve reached this point, as I typically shift from wearing my normal tank tops and running singlets with shorts to the gym…..to instead wearing sweatshirts and leggings.  And indeed, momentarily there’s a feeling of relief, what feels like a happy medium struck, where I’m able to go and get my workout in, yet not have to feel like I’m “out there” and on display.

But what I’m noticing is that caving in to this desire to “hide” always ends up backfiring.  Sure, momentarily I feel better, but what this does is pull me out of the reality of the moment.  Rather than confront the uncomfortable truth — I’ve gained weight through bad eating choices of recent, I’m able to avoid fully cognizing this reality, partly because I’m sidestepping the emotional consequences of my actions.  So what happens?  Rather than make the changes needed to swing myself back on track, I’m more inclined to keep the status quo with my eating (even after I’ve arrived at the intention, i.e. during my workout, to do otherwise), or worse, I somehow convince myself that I “got away with” my little indiscretions of recent, suggesting I can repeat those offenses without further harm!  Talk about dangerous thinking!

So like it or not, it’s important I not succumb to the temptation to retreat into my “hide me” clothes.  I may not always relish wearing my tanks and shorts, but just as I must regularly weigh myself to ensure I don’t allow weight creep to happen, so too do I need to keep my wardrobe such that I can’t “get away with” eating habits that are incompatible with my long-term goals.

Darn! 😛

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A lesson from running: You’re capable of more than you think

One reason I love running so much is because it presents countless life lessons, and in the simplest of forms.  I learn how to relax into the moment, how to pace myself, how to protect my comfort zone (that image of a masochist gritting their teeth well past their body’s reach?  I can’t imagine….), how to appreciate something as simple as the miracle of my own breath, the cadence it provides, a soundtrack that can be either gentle or furious or somewhere in between.  I learn how to overcome obstacles, how to distinguish the difference between “I can’t” and “I don’t want to,” how to clear my head, how to stop and enjoy the simple pleasures of being outside, no matter what the season, to slow down and smell the earth’s many fragrances, even how to accept and even embrace the swirling chaos of humanity — the cars, the restaurants, the hum of activity that seems so in contrast to the lone girl quietly huffing and puffing through an afternoon jog.  The list goes on and on.

Anyway, today’s lesson presented itself early on:  you’re capable of more than you give yourself credit for.  As is often the case, I was pressed for time.  But the weather was so beautiful — unusually sunny and mild for this time of the year, with that wonderful blue sky that seems to pick up your mood instantly.  I knew I had to go out and experience it for at least a little while.  I took off and glanced at my watch.  I had about an hour and a half to work with.  Understand, mid-week I normally like to do an extra long cardio session, especially in winter as it keeps my endurance up during the down season from running races.  I was originally planning to either just take a walk or do some light intervals back and forth between walking and running.  But in either of those choices, I normally prefer about 100 minutes, to ensure I cover around 7 miles.  90 minutes won’t cover that.  I had pretty much done an “oh well” as I began to run, but I felt that curious twitch I know all too well.  Not really wanting to have to pay attention to my watch (on such a lovely day I prefer to just GO and let my mind rest), I decided what the heck, I’ll just see how long I can run before I need a break.  It wasn’t long before I realized this wasn’t going to be a problem.  In fact, it was almost embarrassing just how relatively easy it was to keep going without a break.  Mind you, I’ve run continuously recently, but the vast majority of my last few months’ running workouts have been run/walk intervals.  I suppose it all got shaken up when I had a bad 10K race this past summer — got a stitch that I just couldn’t shake.  After that, I seemed to go through a funk in which I felt timid about doing continuous runs.  But rather than give up altogether, I figured when I’m ready to resume continuous, I will; in the meantime, I “let” myself choose intervals most of the time, to keep up my confidence and preserve the whole enjoyment of running.  Every now and then I’d throw in 20, 30, 40 minutes of running, but those were few and far between.

Until today!  At some point, as I continued my “Hmmm, I wonder….” run-til-I-have-to-stop experiment, I began to realize I probably was nearing the 30 minute mark.  I wanted to avoid looking at my watch, because once I do I tend to look again far too frequently, which drives me nuts, like a nervous tick or something.  But sure enough, the town square clock read 2:20, when I knew I had started off at 1:50.  I kept running, did my body inventory and realized all was still a-ok.  I knew at some point I was nearing the 45-minute mark.  I decided that I’d be happy to at least go an hour, that 75 minutes would be the bomb, and that 90 minutes would be like reaching the moon in terms of happy success.

Well I don’t need to keep you in suspense, you probably know where this is going anyway.  Yes, indeed, I hit the 90 minute mark, with only sweat, a little bit of chill in my fingers and a small amount of tightness in my calves as my accompaniments.

In other words, I’ve been capable of this all along, just as I’d done in the past.  I simply allowed myself to put up an invisible fence in my mind, or a leash that appeared to be locked but in fact was not.  Amazing what happens when we put up these barriers for ourselves, isn’t it?  But just as amazing is the feeling you get when you break them down!

Of course, the only hitch is…. I now know that the next time I set out for a run, I don’t have quite so “easy” an excuse to not go at it continuously.  Should I decide to do intervals, I have to know it’s because I’m simply electing for a lighter workout that day, and not because I couldn’t easily nail that time or distance nonstop!  So much for avoiding the real reason!

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