The Endless “Tweaking” of the Food List

One of the more sobering revelations of recovery for me is that it’s never truly static.  There’s a part of my mind that loves the idea of, “This is THE Solution, From Here on Out.”  In that regard, on some level I find the recovery from alcohol a bit enviable; if you’re of the total abstinence camp, then that’s it, you’re done (as far as pinpointing what it is you need to avoid).  It’s not like, “Gee, for now I’ll just have 4 ounces of beer after dinner, and maybe next month I’ll switch that to a glass of Riesling every Friday night.”  But with eating, there’s just no cut-and-dried, permanent definition of what I can and cannot eat — at least for me (ditto for behaviors, but that’s a tangent for another post).  Furthermore, the criteria on which these “cans” and “cannots” are determined are different for each person.  My definition of recovery includes keeping my body within a certain weight range, which means I may have to deal with more cravings or imposed choices with my eating than someone whose goal is to be more at peace with her food, and is more surrendered to letting the weight “chips” fall where they may based on that criteria.  I think that’s part of what makes listening to others’ stories confusing at times.  Someone who appears to be more “settled” in her eating habits, who doesn’t seem to fluctuate in what her food plan entails, may in fact feel perfectly comfortable at a weight range that wouldn’t work for me, and this allows her to perhaps be more relaxed about how much she’s eating, what she’s eating, etc.  It’s been my experience that the more precise one’s weight goals, the more meticulous one’s food planning needs to be, and the more likely that there will be times that satiety will have to be partly sacrificed for the overarching goal.  It’s just the realities of weight management, especially for a person who’s natural appetite is still quite high.

Anyway, with the above in mind, one way I strive to stay on top of my recovery and eating is to remain hyper-vigilant of constantly reviewing what’s currently working and what is not.  For me, this is more or less a daily process.  At the very least, I’m logging my food, the calories, etc., and in so doing, momentarily reflecting on my overall sense of how the day went, how it felt.  But I’m also frequently pulling out my personal food list, scanning it (partly for menu planning — i.e. “Oh yeah, that’s right!  I can have grilled zucchini!  Oh maybe I’ll make some with dinner…”), reflecting on how satisfied I am with my meals and their impact on my fitness, satiety, health and body shape, and determining whether some tweaking is in order.  There are foods that work brilliantly for me for a long time, then all of a sudden start to cause problems, at which point I’ll often remove them from the list temporarily.  Then there are those foods I have avoided for a long time, but that I’m momentarily pondering.  I may put those tentatively on the list, and see if this time around I may have better success in incorporating them into my plan.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, other than to acknowledge that, while this can feel tedious at times — I think my inner “recovery police” sometimes wants to take a cynical assessment of this.  Like, “Well gee if you were REALLY recovered, would you need to be doing this?” — I’m increasingly recognizing that for me, yes, I need to do this.  For my goals and how I define recovery, this isn’t just necessary, this is PART of that recovery.  To me this is part of the concept of “going to any length” in order to get and keep recovery.  If anything, it’s kinda cool, to see this shaping up.  I feel as though I’m watching the dust from the “big bang” of my recovery settling into something that has definition, shape, and substance to it.  If I must engage in this kind of constant planning and assessment, I’m OK with this!

I AM noticing one big challenge with all of this tweaking:   that of remaining fully honest when visiting and revisiting this list.  I think it just naturally comes with the territory.  Just as reviewing and honing this list has enabled me to find a delightful food plan that has worked extraordinarily well over the last couple of months — I love my food, I’m learning that the same process of exploration has led to some dead ends and wrong turns.  I find that I have to constantly ask myself if an item I wish to add is truly a food that should be part of my plan, even if only my “treat nights only” plan, right now.  Sure, there’s one quick way to find out the answer — add the item and then sit back and watch what happens.  Funny how it doesn’t take long for trouble to surface if that item is not fit to be on the list right now!  But who wants to go through that every time?  At the same time, I have to guard against being too cautious, too restrictive, as I’ve noticed that when I limit my options too much, there’s that sense of never being fully satiated.  When that happens, it’s possible that it’s not so much the food choices themselves, it’s that I’m not in the best state of mind — that is, I’m not operating with a mindset that says, let’s explore all the wonderful tastes, recipes and combinations provided by what’s on this list.  Or it’s possible that I’m narrowing my range so much that I end up doing more damage in noshing on a bunch of semi-satiating items, when to simply allow a little more leniency would have enabled me to have “the” item and be done with it.

Bottom line is, it’s a constant dance!  I’m hopeful that as time goes on, I’ll continue to master the steps. 

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The debate of avoiding sugar/flour vs. “everything in moderation”….Part 2

So this is a continuation of my thought process on this subject.  To get a sense of full context, please refer to Part 1 of this post, posted yesterday (or the next entry down, whichever reference makes more sense by the time you read this).

Obviously, one of the reasons I’m even pondering this is because it’s become a point of discussion in recent times.  I’m hearing about people who — and I believe them — insist that they have managed to avoid eating one or both of these items for many, many years, which awes me and frightens me at the same time.  It awes me because I’m inspired by the ability of these people to make their peace with choosing (and following through with) such an absolute.

But it DOES frighten me.  I find myself squirming at the notion of from here on out avoiding any food in which sugar is an ingredient.  Or flour.  Or wheat.  Or yikes, all three.  Just THINK of all the foods that instantly get the boot!  Sure, I may not ordinarily choose “low fat/regular” yogurt in lieu of fat-free/light (which often utilize non-nutrative sweeteners).  But I do sometimes find regular “fruit flavored” yogurt (some fat, some sugar) to be just what the doctor ordered before running a race.  I may not ordinarily eat bread.  Or flour-based products.  But on a cold, damp day, a warm bowl of Panera’s chicken noodle soup is soul food for me!  My digestive tract is often fiesty, but that’s the one food that reliably fills me up without causing any distress.  And although I don’t always opt for it, I do love the accompanying baguette.  At 160 calories (I think, the last time I checked), it’s a nice way for me to get a controlled portion of bread, but only every once in a great while, which thus far has kept me from feeling triggered.

Having said the above, what’s ironic is that what I wind up eating on a typical day is actually usually devoid of those ingredients, without my even trying.  Most of the foods that are in my current rotation include fruits, steamed vegetables, raw veggies (mostly “finger food”), lean hamburger, chicken, fat-free cheese, oatmeal, nut butters, sugar-free pudding mix, sugar-free jello, fat-free ricotta cheese, tuna….well, you get the idea.  So it ought not bother me, the notion of “officially” cutting out specific ingredients, if they’re typically not there in the first place!

But therein lies the key word:  “typically.”  I think for me, it’s important to leave open the possibility, the flexibility to make an exception.  If anything, what I feel the need to pray for is the maturity to be able to MAKE an exception….and keep it as just that!  I think my fear is that such “exceptions” will gradually take over, like an unwanted weed, until it’s choked out any structure or genuine “95%” adherence to my food plan.  And as we know, it doesn’t take much in the way of a little extra calories, in order for them to translate to extra weight.

So it should be easy:  I can’t be an absolutist like that.  Maybe my dieting history is part of what preventing me from being able to accept such a hard-lined omission.  Perhaps, just as some people declare that they’ve used up their lifetime allotment/”quota” of certain trigger foods, I have used up my quota of “absolute omissions” from my diet, through all the dieting I ever imposed on myself.  What’s interesting about that is how specific it is; I have no issues maintaining my vigilance with daily calorie counting, measuring and weighing my food, keeping an accurate daily food log, etc.  But cutting out food…..I’m just not convinced the benefits outweigh the risk of actually worsening my eating, or the mental anguish/obsession I am likely to confront when attempting to adjust to such a major lifestyle switch.

But then there’s that devil’s advocate side of me that acknowledges how much my cravings DO abate when certain foods have been out of my system for a while.  So there’s no denial that there’s a biological component to this.  Wouldn’t it make sense to at least commit to experimenting with making that full-blown leap?  I suppose I can always insert those foods back into my diet if I decided it’s best to do so.

Still.  I don’t know.  I think there’s much to be said for having to decide what recovery really looks like to you.  I’m just not sure I want to alter my eating so entirely and so permanently that I can never partake in certain foods that are a part of meals with dear friends and family.  I also have to ask myself if its even necessary I ponder such a drastic measure, when in the overall scheme of things I don’t have anywhere near the history of weight trouble or issues with a certain food that some people have had.  If I came from a situation in which my top weight was over 200 lbs. and I can recount bingeing for days/weeks/months at a clip….well yeah, that’s a degree of “broken” that might help one accept the elmination of certain “danger” foods.  But if a person is never more than 5 or so pounds above their preferred weight, never binges two days in a row and has typically “at worst” only averaged 1-2 binges (or overeats) a week…..is that in the same league as the former?  Thus is cutting out all sugars/flours/etc., while perhaps a life-saving necessity for some, tantamount to killing a fly with a sledgehammer for others?

Or am I just rationalizing my way into keeping these things in my diet, since I so obviously have major reservations about doing otherwise?

I think I just hit a new personal best in the event of “overthinking”!

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The debate of avoiding sugar/flour vs. “everything in moderation”….Part 1

Bear with me, this is going to take more than one blog entry to work through.  Maybe some of what I’m writing will resonate with you.

This is a subject of endless debate, and I don’t suspect there’s any one definitive “right” answer or conclusion.  If anything, it only underscores how very different everyone is when it comes time to deciphering what approach they need to take with their eating.

I don’t suppose there’s much for me to bring to this debate that hasn’t already been discussed at length, but I do think putting my own thoughts “on paper” will help me sort out where I am at the moment.  So keep that in mind, that what what may be useful/truthful/applicable to me may not be so for you, and I’m not trying to suggest otherwise.

There is a part of me, that part that likes absolutes, clear-cut guidelines, definitive answers, that finds the thought of completely avoiding certain foods (or ingredients) appealing.  It offers an “at least” consolation, as in, “Well I may be struggling with other foods or the amount I’m eating, but at least I’ve consistently stayed away from white sugar.”  Sometimes, when you’re in a funk and it seems you’re doing nothing but stumbling, having that bottom-line consistency can keep your morale up until you’re able to collect yourself and get back to a higher-level state of eating management.  I can also see the value in letting go of certain foods from one’s diet, of accepting that you will never, ever eat them again.  With the brain-splitting selection of foods — be they simple/healthy, processed/not-so-bad, or outright junk — available at even the local pharmacy, never mind mega-grocery stores…..eliminating large swaths of food from even being an option can help make shopping blissfully easier, espcially considering I can be vulnerable to over-stimulation and the stress of too many choices.  Like, I know myself enough to know that it’s best that I never even consider, say, Pop Tarts, to be a part of my diet.  Or Three Musketeers Bars.  These are foods I ate and enjoyed in excess at one time, and between the fact that they offer zero nutrition and not even enough satiety to justify their sugar and fat content, it’s best I pass them up.  No issue there.

But I’m uneasy at the thought of eliminating foods that contain flour, or sugar, or wheat or some such.  Being that I have such a literal mind, I would quickly take that declaration to unhealthy extremes.  I couldn’t do it “halfway,” I’d have to read every label and eliminate such a huge list of foods from my repertoire, and I just don’t find this healthy.  Certainly, the obvious offenders might best be avoided.  I don’t remember the last time I considered cookies, cake, candy, or most breads to be a part of my daily menu choices.   And I rarely eat pasta, per se, partly because it’s just not a particularly favorite food of mine, partly because I don’t find much satiety in it.

But what about my favorite soups?  Many of them contain a small amount of pasta, which means both flour and wheat as an ingredient.  However, they’re also loaded with vegetables and protein (usually from chicken), which is good as I sometimes struggle to include enough protein and veggies in my day’s food.  And what about all those foods that have sugar as an ingredient, a main ingredient, even?  I love sorbet, and found it to be a wonderful treat to incorporate into my diet when I eliminated most other sweets from my daily food plan.  Sure, it contains sugar, like cookies, but unlike cookies, it’s about as far removed from the taste, texture, and “easy to eat fast and furiously” character that cookies have for me, that it makes no sense to eliminate it.

I guess I’m steering towards the notion that life doesn’t work in such absolutes for me, that there still needs to be an element of common sense even if a person chooses to adopt some concrete rules for themselves.  Sure, sometimes it’s tempting, pondering the simplicity of such hard-lined boundaries.  But something deep down feels that this approach is not a good one for me.  I have to keep teaching/learning the art of what I’ll call “structured moderation.”  The best of both worlds.  The tough part probably is, how do you enforce it?  There is a risk that the minute you face temptation, you can simply change the rules to suit what it is you want at that moment.

But I think therein lies the process of becoming mature.  You have to be able to retain a sense of honesty and accountability, so that when you’re facing such moments, you can still abide by your current rules/guidelines, and not fall into the trap of “rewriting” them right there and then.  If you think you need to make a change, clearly the best measure is to have the presence of mind to stick to the plan at that moment, then visit the possibility of modifications later, at a time when you’re lucid and more objective.

More later!

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