This one just popped into my head recently. I can actually remember where I was, what we were doing as a family, when I nervously asked this question of my mom. I was 14, we were on vacation and out for a hike, and I can remember feeling very troubled at my appetite, and that it seemed to take so much WORK to stay at the weight I was at (normal, not overweight at all, if anything a bit underweight at that point). That was the summer in which I was now fully into dieting; I had flirted with some dieting throughout that previous year and summer, but now it seemed imperative. Although I had hoped my “growth spurt” would kick in — I used to watch my friends go through that “get out of jail free card” time period in which they could eat whatever and not gain weight….it seemed this wasn’t going to be my body’s destiny. Don’t get me wrong, I was always a thin/athletic child, but I never went through that “skinny as a noodle while eating like a man” phase. Instead, my body seemed to skip over that and right into the (to my perception) “grown up” need to watch my calories like a hawk and say no to foods I wanted to eat in order to stay thin. I remember at the time feeling gyped, but at the same time relieved, as if somehow even back then I knew that the opportunity to eat anything with impunity could only set into motion some very, very bad habits.
So anyway, I kept thinking, in these early dieting days, “Surely it gets better. You really mean to tell me that all these women you see of normal body weight live like this?” It seemed so inconceivable, so unnatural to me. So I finally worked up the nerve to ask my mom.
Truth be told, I don’t even remember the answer she gave. (She has always been a disciplined and slender lady, but our eating styles are very different; she seems to have been graced with a relatively small appetite, whereas I have always been of the voracious persuasion.) What I do remember is, whatever she said did not completely put my mind at ease. Right from the get-go I felt suspicious that it would never get easier. And it seemed deep down right from that point, I knew enough about myself to feel worried. The thought of spending a lifetime in such a state of constant hunger and denial seemed impossible, yet the thought of gaining weight and living a life in a body reflective of my cravings was an even worse thought.
Not much of a useful memory, other than to reflect on having some level of body awareness way back then.
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 