Riding the waves of triggers; must they be so constant?

I think one of the more frustrating aspects of dealing with my eating inclinations is that no matter how much progress I make, there are still those days in which a map of my brain would probably look like an EKG:  lots of spikes and drops.  In fact, scratch that, I think my brain is wired so that MOST days entail that.  It’s in my nature, which I actually think is one reason I have such a high capacity for joy, passion, enjoying both life’s big successes and those little pleasures of the day.  But the flip side of that coin is that my brain’s chemistry can skyrocket “just like that,” leaving me with the task of slowly bringing myself back down.  That’s when I can be ultra-vulnerable.  Now thankfully, I have developed a much-greater ability to anticipate those peaks and waves and ride them out without acting on them through food.  A huge key is in being able to wait.  If I wait just 15-30 minutes and busy myself with something else, the worst of the trigger will pass and I can start to think clearly enough to get back on my original plans for the day. 

But even so, these ups and downs still occur, often without any warning.  Take this morning.  I had arranged to finally have a much-overdue phone chat with a close friend of mine.  I reminded myself of the call as a final thought as I went to bed last night.  Yet it wasn’t until about 20 minutes after our scheduled call time — as I sipped my coffee and wondered “what am I forgetting” — that I realized I still had my cell phone on silent ring, and had completely forgotten about the phone call!  And sure enough, upon racing to the phone I discovered a missed call from my friend.  I tried calling her back, but only got her voicemail, which made sense as our window wasn’t expected to be too long.

Suffice it to say, I felt devastated and apologized profusely.  But remember those spikes I was telling you about?  Well now I’m practically circling the moon.  As I walked back into the kitchen, my head was literally spinning.  I found my mind just wanting to numb out and for that one moment, all I could think of was diving into a particular food we have in the house at the moment, and dealing with the consequences “later.”  Thank GOD I have enough experience with that kind of impulse to know that I need to hit the pause button and just give myself a nice cup of coffee, let myself come down from that peak, before “finalizing” such a decision.  And thus far, I’m fine.  The crisis has passed, I expect the rest of the day will unfold as planned.  WHEW.

But it wasn’t EASY.  In fact it was still so HARD (yes, pull out the violins, I’m whining like a sugared-up toddler on a tantrum!).  It’s still hard now, though none of this is as hard as it used to be.  Seeing my body at a very comfortable weight, liking what I see in the outfit I’m wearing, feeling a calm stomach, knowing the rest of the day has not been “blown” (I don’t care what anyone says, even if you stop after a morning binge and go about the rest of the day, it’s never the same as it would be had you not binged)…..all of this helps tremendously.  Especially knowing that I actually stand a chance at accomplishing all my planned work tasks of the day, since I won’t be in a food fog.

I might not be as annoyed if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve had times in which, for whatever reason things are really “clicking” for me, and I don’t feel the food calling and I don’t even notice those spikes as much.  But I’m starting to think that those are mere gifts, little reprieves, but not representative of what most of the day-to-day management of this will be like.  I suppose the sooner I accept that the price I pay for having this serenity, for having a body I’m comfortable and happy with, for feeling good about my becoming a mature, contributing adult…..is to accept having to deal with these triggers for the long haul.  I guess I can live with that!

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The trouble with baking

Can anyone relate to this?  I have a love-hate relationship with baking.  Part of me wants sooooo badly to be “normal” when it comes time to baking.  Meaning, I can bake cake or cookies or whatever I’m good at, have it in the house and not freak out over it.  But I work out of my house much of the time, and while most days I have no issue whatsoever with having the stuff in the house, it’s that day, that moment, that I feel a trigger, or am vulnerable for whatever reason, that suddenly all common sense goes out the door.  Now, normally if I’m feeling a trigger and all I have in the house is yogurt, Boca Burgers, and steam-in-bag frozen vegetables…..who cares.  But if I’m feeling triggered and I’m all alone and I have 16 containers just brimming with homemade cookies (you know what I mean, where they’re so brimming you don’t even notice if, say, 10 are missing), to quote a Christmas song, “You’d better watch out!”  Only it ain’t because Santa Claus is coming to town!

But except for the above explosive scenario, otherwise I have managed to keep the dragon in the cave.  When I bake, the rule is that I cannot so much as touch a crumb or bite.  Because I know that once I start, I’ll nibble unconstructively, which bogs down the whole process.  Worse, I’ll go from enjoying the whole experience — the wonderful smell of the warm cookies, the magic in watching butter, flour, sugar, and a miscellany of ingredients get transformed into these amazing treats, the happy music I’m playing and the spontaneous “bopping” I’ll do while mixing up the ingredients, the cozy glow of the kitchen in contrast to the wintry scene outside, the gratifying sips of eggnog-flavored coffee or diet Dr. Pepper I’m enjoying as I drop, smooth, and shape my cookie dough into submission, even the joy of prancing around the kitchen in my favorite apron, the one given to me as a gift from my favorite aunt — to suddenly dwelling on the extra calories, the churning of my stomach, or worse, the bloat I’m starting to feel if by chance I’ve gone overboard in my noshing.  Is it right?  Probably not.  But I’m tired trying to change that mindset.  Much better to simply avoid trouble in the first place and avoid taking that first bite.  I don’t find this tough at all.  It doesn’t take away from my enjoyment as my main reason for baking is more for the gratification of my loved ones than myself, at least at that moment.

But this year I didn’t bake.  Well, at least I didn’t bake much.  I started to bake, made a batch of one of my classics.  But I tripped, stumbled and fell….hard….two days later, when I succumbed to temptation and nearly finished off a whole Tupperware container of them.  To me, this was an early warning sign that I’m not on solid footing this holiday season, and given that my husband is himself watching his eating and trying to lose additional weight at the moment, I feel it’s just as well to skip it this year.  Oh well.  Life goes on.  If anything, it’s been kind of nice; I’ve concentrated more on preparing lighter desserts — pumpkin mousse is a favorite at the moment — and lots of soup and apples as my daily staples.  It’s a huge relief, actually.  And interestingly, contrary to what I thought, I’m not missing those holiday cookies.  Is it possible we follow through with these traditions just because we fear that we’ll feel like we’re missing out if we don’t?  I’m beginning to think the actual is nowhere near what we feared it would be. 

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