Not a long post today, only that I’m continuing with my abstinence and ecstatic about this, and am finding a new phase is opening up as I continue. Sure, there was the glee of actually making it through the holidays abstinently, but now it’s “back to business.” Or rather, it’s “to business,” since I never hit this degree of recovery, for it to be called “business.” I’m appreciating that the longer I stay abstinent, while at the same time working a vigorous program, the more I’m seeing the life I was preventing unfold. It’s exciting and scary at the same time (if I had a dime for every time I’ve said that sentence…). What I’m noticing is, first, some of the “gems” of recovery, ones that I heard about but didn’t fully understand initially, are presenting themselves as experiential realities. What a miracle.
But what I’m especially noticing is how there seems to be a point in which the thrill and challenge and emotional transition that those initial 6+ months entailed….are fading and giving way to a new phase. I can see how this can be a point in which people lose their focus, because it’s no longer new, and many of those initial decisions and processes of creating a routine….well those have been made, and the routine(s) are under way. Sure, there’s an ongoing evolution, but it’s unfolding much more gradually. The addict in me faces the temptation of wanting to “tweak,” and I’m having to learn the art of letting go, and living by the words, “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.” So now the challenge comes in, being in acceptance that I no longer get to spin my wheels around the minutiae of my food plan, what program lies out there that could help me, or why I do what I do. Which means now my attention must be turned to the person my HP intends for me to be! It feels gratifying, but there’s still some sense of “loss” involved.
At the same time, I’m appreciating that I’m feeling the flow of GOOD habits becoming a part of my life, which means there’s an ease in going about my day, and knowing what to do next, if only I surrender to it and not take back my will and start second-guessing it all.
You know, you tend to hear one of two stories: You hear stories of people still caught up in the depths of their eating disorder, or you hear about those who have recovered with some time under their belt. I feel like I’m in that in-between zone, and it’s interesting to watch this portion of the story unfold. It’s not as clear-cut, it’s sometimes somewhat mundane at first glance (i.e. no news = good news), and yet it’s really the meat of recovery. I can stand up and give all sorts of testimonials as to how great life is, and it is, but the real story lies in the day-to-day work, which I sometimes think gets lost in the general telling of what life is like, or how a person got to where they’re currently at.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at now. I hope this entry can be of help to someone.
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 