Interpreting the “Higher Power” reference in OA

Generally, OA is not my personal cup of tea.  I appreciate that it’s helpful to others and for that I acknowledge its value; it simply isn’t for me.  However, I strongly agree with some of the beliefs and approaches by the organization, even if I don’t necessarily apply them in the exact same way as they do.  I agree, for example, that helping others who are struggling is one way to help yourself (though obviously that ought not be the only motivation for doing so).

I have a book, one of my favorites, on overcoming overeating (no, it’s not the book by that title nor the author), written by a member of OA and based on the program therein.  It’s not an “official” OA book, but from what I understand of the organization, it ought to be, for it’s about the most logical, clear-cut, well-organized manual on the subject I have ever read.  And so much of what the author spells out about the program are points I have found, on my own, to be extremely helpful.

But the one element I have often struggled with is the notion of a Higher Power.  Don’t get me wrong; I believe in God or some comparable entity, believe there is “more” than what meets the eye on this earth.  But somehow, the notion of handing myself over to a Higher Power — one of the credos of OA — has never sat well with me.  To me it suggests that I lack the ability to overcome this — or, now that I’ve done most of the “overcoming,” to manage this.  I might be misinterpreting it, but that’s how I read it.  I like the idea of taking full ownership and responsibility for such a problem, and in upholding the idea that I alone — maybe through the tools God has provided me? — can make my own wise decisions and go about implementing change.

But I had a light bulb moment the other day that gave me a sense of resolution to this, perhaps because I *want* to believe in that part of OA.  I was on one of the cardio machines at the gym, reflecting on a conversation my husband and I had had that morning.  I was asking his advice on tweaking my current food plan.  I go through this every single winter; I swear the lack of daylight and the cavedweller effect of all this snow and cold literally scrambles my brain out of its normal self, because this plays out every year without fail.  In short, I begin to “experiment” with my eating, introducing foods that are 99% likely to cause trouble, and to make short-term decisions that, frankly, are immature, selfish, impulsive and/or self-indulgent.  It nearly always leads to a period of trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip.  There finally comes a point when I cry “uncle” and recognize that there’s no place like home, “home” being my regular food plan, my regular approach.  It’s almost as though I momentarily get amnesia, “forgetting” how predictably these foods have caused problems in the past, hoping upon hope that maybe “this time will be different.”  And of course, we all know what happens next!

So of course, it’s like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz.  You take this magical mystery tour, only to realize, reluctantly at times, that you’re still best off doing what’s always worked.  Which is the point I had reached recently after just such an experimentation.  My patient husband duly administered his (appropriate) “duh” response upon my verbalizing this revelation.

So now I’m on the cardio machine, reflecting on how if I only shut off all outside noise — all books, all message boards, all TV ads, all Oprah’s, all magazine articles, all overheard conversations, all blogs…… and simply turn to that internal source, I always steer myself right.  What frustrates me, I suppose, is because what works for me tends to run against what is commonly touted.  That’s tough, as it means I have to essentially plug my ears with my fingers and yell “la la la la la” as it can be soooooo easy to let myself second-guess that internal wisdom.  But you can’t argue with success, and whenever I’ve ignored the popular “sensible” wisdom of the masses (not the rules of nutrition, just in how I choose to adminster them for myself), BOOM, I click into a pleasant, almost “easy” rhythm of eating and lifestyle.  When I futz with it…. I struggle.

Ah-HAH!!!!!!!!!!!   In other words….. that “inner wisdom” of mine IS that “Higher Power.”  It’s that overarching authority that must ultimately be the dominant voice in choosing your tools, your path.  Because everything “beneath” it — looking to others for validation/guidance, going by the popular choice, going by the whims of cravings (danger, Will Robinson), going by the whims of what others insist is the “right” way — is ground clutter.  You have to have someone or something that is unfailingly the final word to ensure you DON’T get pulled in every which direction.  Does this “Higher Power” wisdom of mine come from God?  Or something similar?  Is it within me only?  Is it a compilation of everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve experienced?  Probably….yes.  To all of the above.  Or maybe not.  Who knows, who cares.  The point is, I GET IT now.  And suddenly it makes all the sense in the world to me.  And truth be told, it’s the one sure source that I have always found works (when I listen to and implement it).

Another piece to the puzzle!

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Changing my blog name and my tagline

Change.  One of the best words of advice I have ever received was that in order to be successful in life — and to be happy, you have to be willing to change, and to change constantly.  That’s something that didn’t come naturally to me.  I’ve had to work on not only accepting change, but also in engineering it (i.e. recognizing when the time has come, and putting it into motion), but in doing so, I can concur that I’m so much happier as a result.

With that in mind, if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll notice a change.  If you haven’t, it’s probably good to at least have this full disclosure.

I started this blog about two months ago, and called it “The Part-time Bulimic,” with the tagline Because I hate the word ‘recovering’.  I chose the two for a couple of reasons.  One, because my ED, if I even still have one, had dwindled over the years to the point where it didn’t technically fit any clinical definition.  But I couldn’t deny that some undesired behaviors still remained, and being one who values authenticity and transparency (I despise the notion of deluding oneself, especially with semantics), I wanted some way to acknowledge these behaviors, since much of my posts would be focused around dealing with eating issues.  As for the tagline….. I still find the word “recovering” a bit odd.  To me, life entails many struggles and behaviors — not just food or weight-related — that we aren’t happy with, yet we don’t call our growth or improvement from these things “recovery” or “recovering.”  Why should eating behaviors be any different?  To me, it all umbrellas under the process of learning, healing, seeking, maturing, etc. that defines the human experience.

But right or wrong, there aren’t a whole lot of alternative words to indicate that a behavior has either ended or there’s at least an effort underway to stop it (or manage it or minimize it or <insert comparable verbs here>.

So… “Recovering” it is.  I’m now the “Recovering Part-time Bulimic.”  Truthfully, the more accurate title would be “FORMER Part-time Bulimic,” but right or wrong, I feel like I’d be naively testing the fates if I were to make such a bold declaration.  Let’s hope the word “former” continues to apply even if it never officially becomes part of my title!

As for the “Working on it!”…..that’s because I am.  And more over, I’m experiencing success at it.  I don’t want to imply that I’m somehow “settling” into my ways and not making an effort to rout out behaviors that are either destructive or useless or just plain outdated.

On the other hand, I stand by my appraisal that I will always be “different” in my approach to eating, exercise and lifestyle.  I can’t say what all contributes to this reality.  I actually don’t think this is ED-related; or if it is, the ED history is simply part of what factors in here.  I suspect that it’s a composite of my personality type, my upbringing and life experiences, my genetics, my goals and priorities in life, environmental factors, and of course, certain habits and preferences (either deep-seated or evolutional).  But maybe it’s only some of these things, maybe it’s something else.

But I’m reaching the point in which I really don’t care WHAT causes me to be different.  All I know is I am, and that’s okay.  The good news is, I don’t need to know what fuels the way I am.  I know my frailties, I know my strengths, and I know how to manage both.  I accept that there will need to be deliberate efforts on my part to keep myself where I wish to be, both in terms of my health and in terms of my life goals and values.

And I know that the process of healing and recovery is ongoing.  I acknowledge that there’s always work to be done, no matter how much progress you make.  But whereas at one time I felt frustrated at this — just when you think you’re about to reach the summit, surprise! there’s another stretch of uphill trail that you couldn’t see from further below, I now embrace it.  To be “working on it” is to be alive.  I’m learning to enjoy the view as every climb is its own summit!

So there you go!  Now you know what prompted this CHANGE (forgive the all caps, I’m still reveling in my learning to embrace it).

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Taking another break…..or maybe, moving on

It’s interesting to watch things run their course.  I’m grateful for this blog and for the ability to get some things down in writing for myself to examine.  I almost feel as though these were among the “remnants” of my ED, hanging around with no place to go, no one really to talk to about them (there’s only so far I can push the envelope with my dear husband’s attentions span).  But now that they’re out, I feel as though I’m ready to move on, to slow down or stop altogether the analysis.  I’m done, I’m ready for what’s next.  I hate using the word “closure” because I hate buying into the illusion that things are completely done, that I’ll somehow never again experience a challenge or stumble related to this topic.  I know better.  But the word closure does apply, in the sense that I feel like I’ve “gotten this out of my system” and can release it from my brain.  If I have an occasional tangential “ah HAH!” to record, fine.   But I feel like what’s needed to be done, has been done, what’s needed to be said, has been said.  NEXT!

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Compulsive Overeating…. but is it really a “disease”?

Was reading one of my favorite books on overcoming compulsive overeating (I reread them from time to time to review my take on things, and to reinforce principles that I wish to retain in my program).

And I’m appreciating more and more how I can extract useful information or thought-provoking ideas from a source with which I don’t necessarily agree with the all of the author’s positions or everything the author says.  This is a good example of that.

 I actually think very highly of this book.  I think it captures many truths about how to manage an eating disorder or predilection towards troublesome eating behaviors.

But one area in which I have always parted philosophically on the subject of eating disorders is the notion that they are “diseases.”  No, it is NOT a disease.  It’s a *behavior*.  This behavior can CAUSE various diseases as a result of its presence — heart disease, type 2 diabetes, arthritis, etc., but it in of itself is not the disease.

For me, calling it a disease gives it permission to exist, gives a person an excuse to have it.  For me, I would rather acknowledge that it ISN’T a disease, that I simply *choose* to use this behavior for various reasons.  Viewing it this way makes it harder for me to follow through with the behavior, because behaving this way — which to me is quite immature — is not part of my value system.  Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t always STOP me from following through when an urge hits.  But I don’t delude myself that my behavior is being driven by some mysterious affliction that is unique to me and that others have mercifully been spared of.  To me, we all have the choice to abuse food.  For some of us, doing so has become a bad habit; for some reason, somewhere along the way, we allowed ourselves the option to abuse our bodies in this way.  This is NOT a value judgment; I’m not saying “I suck” as a result of my doing this.  But nor do I wish to give myself a “there there” excuse for my doing it.  By recognizing that it’s a CHOICE, I can better recognize that I do have control over what happens next.

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HUGE key to success: It’s easier to STAY on the wagon than to get back on if you fall off

Quick update if only to crystalize this Ah-HAH that’s in my brain.

Yeah, you can probably file this one under the “duh” category.  But to “know” something…..and to somehow have it “click” into place are often two entirely different brain processes.  I believe I’ve finally just experienced the latter with this.

I’ve been in conversation with people who have lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for the long haul.  I’ve never been more than what most might call “vanity pounds” above the weight I prefer to keep myself at, so while I do have insight as to how to lose and successfully maintain/manage one’s weight, talking with folks who once weighed 50, 60, 80 or 100 pounds or more over their optimal weight is a good reminder to me that I still have plenty to learn from others.  Sure, we all have the shared experience of having to change our lifestyle — our eating, our exercise, etc. — for the sake of managing our weight.  But sometimes there are lessons that I overlook, words of wisdom that I “forget” yet may still resonate very much with me, that people in this position can offer as important reminders.

One such lesson — more a reminder of what I already know — is the importance of fiercely adhering to whatever is working for you, whatever program or approach or combination of eating and exercise strategies you have adopted.  Common sense, of course, but the overarching reason is not necessarily what you think.

Let’s face it.  The crux of why people get frustrated when they seem forever “stuck” at the starting gate with weight loss….is because for whatever reason, they have not reached the point in which they’re mentally fully ready to accept the change of lifestyle needed to lose and maintain their weight from where they’re currently at.  We hear testimonials all the time regarding various weight loss programs; comments from successful “losers” who proudly proclaim that they’d tried every other diet out there, but only once they tried This One did the pounds come off.  The implication being that This One is the better program; the rest are useless.

But we know better.  The truth is, the person could have put themselves on the 3 Snickers Bars A Day diet, or the McDonald’s Coffee and Salad Diet, or the Lean Cuisine for Breakfast, Special K for Dinner diet.  The bottom line is, they were READY to take on the hardships required to adhere to the change of lifestyle long-term.  That’s all.  No magic, no superior program.  They were ready to change.

It explains why people who do lose weight successfully on a sound, healthy program (Weight Watchers, just for an example), maybe even keep it off for a little while, only to regain the weight…..struggle miserably at getting back on that same program, even if they insist that they enjoyed the program the first time around and never felt better than when on the program.  The spark of inspiration — which at times can seem as elusive as getting the planets all in alignment — was lit the first time around for them; but sadly, not the second.

And worse, it’s hard to say what specifically causes that spark to ignite.  How many of us have had false starts before things finally “clicked”?  Probably most, if not all of us.  What makes it happen finally?  Hard to say.

But that’s the point of this post.  What I’m realizing, both in myself and in talking with these people who have lost — and maintained — a great deal of weight, is that it’s FAR easier to “stay on the wagon” once you’re on it….than to get yourself back on if you fall off.  In other words, once you’re on it, do EVERYTHING in your power to cling on for dear life when you go over those bumps in the road.  Even if you THINK the danger has passed, you are no longer vulnerable to the triggers or cravings or <insert whatever factors here> that threatened your derailment (or led to derailment) before, stay vigilant.  Even if the road gets so rough that to keep yourself in your healthy behaviors is a royal pain in the neck, feeling almost impossible at times, even if it makes no “sense” to keep certain rules in place, even if you feel you “deserve” to cut yourself a break…just a short break….stick to your guns.  Stay the course.  You may not realize you’ll be happier for it, but you will be.  Sadly, we can be woefully amnesic about fully comprehending our vulnerabilities when we’re being seduced by our personal cryptonite.  But the bottom line is, no matter what, once that rough road passes, you’ll have a much easier — saner — time getting yourself back to a state of balance than you would if you’d allowed yourself to tumble off that wagon, thinking “That’s okay, I’ll just run back up and jump back on.”  Oh, if only it were so easy!  You just don’t know when that spark of readiness will strike again.  I dare say, if we look at our lives as a whole, these moments of readiness happen very sparsely.  This holds true for our eating, our careers, our relationships, our creativity with right-brain activities, etc.  There’s a reason they say to writers and artists that when the muse hits, run with it, because there’s no telling when it will hit again.  I suspect the same is true for weight loss and lifestyle.  Once you’re rolling, you can fight the good fight to stay on track, but it still pales in comparison to falling off track and then struggling to get back on again.

It is, this little revelation, the one instance in which I can understand the mentality of OA:  the idea that it’s far easier to resist that first bite of your non-abstinent food, or that first foray into non-abstinent behavior, than to break your abstinence and have to start from scratch.  You wouldn’t think that falling off “just once” could bring you back to scratch, and maybe some stumbles won’t.  But who wants to take that chance?  Best to not get complacent and put yourself in the position to find out the answer to that.

In my case, it means I have to re-commit to certain realities of my own wellness program.  In more specific terms, it means I have to keep my choices narrow, I have to keep certain foods out of my menu altogether, and I have to not let myself forget certain realities of meal timing that, while not a problem for most other people, is most certainly a problem for me.  To divert from any of these rules (I have more, these are just some examples) is to ignore certain realities of myself, my history, my vulnerabilities.  Which means to break these rules, for me, is to take myself off the wagon.

I suspect it’s not unlike someone who needs to wear prescription glasses or contacts.  Or someone who had a ski accident many years before and had to have reconstructive surgery to their knees.  You can’t go back and pretend you have perfect vision without the aid of a device, and you can’t behave as though your knees have the recovery/mobility of someone without your injury/surgery history.

I lost my concentration in the attempt to ignore my realities, and I’m getting some loud and clear feedback that I need to get back on that wagon…..and stop fantasizing about stepping smugly off when the wagon slows down so that I can collect some roadside flowers.  Take pictures of the damn flowers and keep your eye on the road!

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Craving management: Like Maslow’s hierarchy

Well, I’m back from my break, at least briefly.  I’m not sure I’ll post again very frequently (if at all), if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t have much in the way of thought-provoking revelations or discoveries of the moment.  My ED seems to be in a state of semi-remission (I say “semi” mainly to avoid letting my guard down and becoming complacent) at the moment, so I’m just coasting along and enjoying what appears to be a new phase of my life.  Interesting, exciting, and a bit scary all at the same time!

However, I do want to post a conclusion I’m increasingly drawing on the subject of cravings, dealing with hunger, appetite, eating management, etc.  I’ll explain how and why I’ve come to this conclusion.

Due to my ED quieting down, I’ve been interacting more with people with no apparent history of eating issues, from all sorts of walks of life.  Mainly though, those people whom I admire or with whom I have shared interests.  I’m doing this both just for personal enrichment, but also to further learn — understand where an ED “ends” and “normalcy” begins.  Sometimes this is a gray area that’s hard to pinpoint.

So that’s my “how.”  Now the “why”:

I suppose one reason I’m taking a break is, I don’t want to forever have to be so active in my analysis and debate regarding my emotions, my behavior, etc.  I’m realizing that there’s no such thing as “total” recovery, meaning, you’ll never fully extinguish cravings, you’ll never achieve a state of absolute contentment.  So to keep pursuing such a goal is frought with frustration, as no matter how well you’re doing, it’s never going to be “good enough” if that’s the lofty goal you’re holding yourself up to.  I think part of why I’ve become fidgety over the last couple of years is because I want to figure out where “normal” is.  At what point am I more or less “normal”?  Obviously, the answer can only be answered by me, but figuring that out is no easy task.  I suppose the answer has to come from a combination of observing “normal” in others who appear to be more or less where you want to be….and what you personally are willing to accept as your personal “normal.”

So why be so analytical?  Why the need to decide such a thing?  Simple.  I want to get to the point that I can let GO of the recovery process already.  If I honestly feel I’ve taken my recovery about as far as I can, I can relax and settle in where I’m at and free up my mind for other things.  I don’t have to wonder if there’s more around the corner if I only put in another six months of active effort.  I do think there’s a point in which any additional improvements will be negligible at best.  More over, they may very well happen anyway, even without “formal” effort, just by living my life based on the values and principles I’ve established over the course of my recovery.  In other words, at some point I have to let go of micro-managing my recovery, and instead just let those ongoing, if smaller, changes continue to occur in their natural timing.

Okay, so here’s what I’m concluding.  In the whole scheme of eating — cravings, hunger, appetite, deprivation, etc., and life — emotions, personality inclinations, etc., there are “layers” of these elements that aren’t unlike Maslow’s hierarchy.  There’s the first layer, which I’ll call the “biological creature” layer.  Just the basic facts of being a living thing:  metabolism, eating, energy production and consumption, etc.  The next layer up will be the “genetics” layer.  Next is the “human experience” layer.  Up from that might be “issues and specific personality challenges” layer.  Above that might be the “eating disorders” layer.

What’s my point here?  That no matter how much you heal, grow, mature, resolve issues, change bad habits, develop healthy outlets, learn new coping skills, strategize your meals and nutrition, exercise wisely, attend to your health, learn to live with your emotions, etc…… you will STILL have a certain amount of cravings, appetite, hunger, emotional challenges, etc.  There is no fully getting rid of these things, because they’re driven largely by certain realities of biology, genetics, and simply the “normal” human experience.  You can do your best to attend to those things you can change, and clearly help yourself deal with those elements you can’t change, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to grit your teeth through times of uncomfortable hunger, cravings that just won’t die, irrational emotions and crankiness when you have no reason to be anything but ecstatic and grateful.

And here’s the thing:  the above things are OKAY!!!  There was a time when I’d experience some major breakthrough, or put to practice a great strategy of “alternate actitivites” (i.e. when a craving hits, do something to occupy yourself that doesn’t involve food), or develop hobbies or form great friendships that helped keep my mind happy and busy, boosted my self-esteem and  elevated my overall life contendedness, or had an “ah-hah!” about the origins of my behavior……and I guess deep down I kept hoping that somehow these things would help “magically” cut my cravings, or reduce my desire to make inappropriate eating choices.  I was WAITING for it all to at least become a little bit EASIER.

But here’s the truth, at least per my experience.  All of those things are great, but they don’t take away the cravings.  They don’t remove the urge to eat outside of my planned meal strategy for that day.  They don’t make keeping my weight where I like it any easier.  BUT….what they do is help me solidify my resolve, keep my confidence and sense of self-trust high, keep me motivated to confront these difficult challenges and STILL make the right choice, even if every cell of my being is momentarily screaming for a bag of cookies.

In other words, sometimes you’re going to have to white-knuckle it.  If you want both the emotional healing AND a body that’s fit and trim, you still have to deal with those challenges that are simply a normal reality of biology, genetics, and the human experience.  Just as our lungs always have a reserve of air in them, so too do we have a “reserve” of challenges that won’t go away completely, not for as long as we’re alive.

Ironically, it’s actually very freeing to arrive at this conclusion.  I don’t have to wonder if the existence of these things somehow points to the ED, or suggests I need to do “more work” in order to try to extinguish them.  I simply need to accept these realities, make my peace with them, and then flex that mental muscle every time I confront one of these challenges.  It may never get easier, but like everything, with repetition and time, I can get used to it.

I can live with that!  

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