Update, and may take a break

It’s been a strange month.  With only one stumble, I’ve managed to stick with my initial goal — that of not allowing a separate, “special” trip to the grocery store should I make the decision to binge.  In other words, if I feel the need to eat beyond what I’d planned, it must be foods that I already have at home; no special “treats” or normally “forbidden” items.  The idea is, I wanted to see what would happen if I removed any sense of allure to the binges, at least in terms of WHAT they would entail.  There’s not nearly as much enjoyment from them when they’re simply comprised of foods I’m already including on my food plan!

But I also did make that 90-day challenge for myself, one in which I wanted to see how long I could be abstinent (abstinent, in this case, referring primarily to not bingeing).  Not wanting to evaluate the wisdom of issuing such an ambitious challenge until I gave it an earnest shot, my behavior these last  few weeks has been quite interesting, to say the least.  I would call it a mixed bag, in terms of success.

There have some very distinct differences in my current eating patterns than my norm.  True to the goal, I have not “binged” in the same sense I normally do.  Normally, if I decide to binge, along with the glee I feel in allowing myself access to certain “treat” foods, I typically throw any sense of calorie-counting or even hunger checkpoints out the window.  Basically, I eat until either the foods I’m interested in are gone or until I’ve “had my fill,” which almost 100% of the time means by the time I stop eating, I am extremely uncomfortable.  HORRIBLY uncomfortable.  That, actually, has been among the leading incentives for my wanting to change these days.  I feel mournful, sorrowful, and quite scared, at the awful abuse I inflict on my body by this behavior.

But in the place of the “normal” binges has been a sort of hybrid creature, and I’m not liking it.  In some ways, it’s “good” in that, I have yet to eat completely out of control or to get to that “horrible discomfort” point.  What has happened is, in between days of clean eating, I have days in which I, after dinner, decide to eat extra food.  The big differences are, I’m choosing foods that offer no more enticement than my food plan:  soup, apples, microwave popcorn, etc.  AND I’m still counting my calories meticulously, so that at least I know what the damage is.  And while I still end up eating more than I want, I do stop well before I would normally do so.  Clearly, these strays are not serving quite the same “release the pressure valve” purpose offered by most of my binges.  But I still consider them binges.  They still render me way beyond an amount of calories I need, though nothing like the devastating calorie blitzes I’ve been guilty of inhaling in the past.  And predictably, it doesn’t take nearly as long to recover from these deviations; I find much less “aftermath” to suffer and start to feel like myself again sooner than I do under normal “post binge” circumstances.

But the mind is tricky, and with these changes — I actually worried that this would happen — I’m straying from my food plan more frequently than normal.  This is disturbing  me greatly.  I worry that if I keep at this, I may be looking at the formation of a habit that will be tough to break.  A habit that could turn disastrous if my momentary “relative” self-control with these eating splurges should ever spiral back in the direction of my regular binges.

So my instinct is to say, this was good, it served its purpose, it helped me swing my eating habits back (overall) to a more healthy schedule, it gave me good insights — insights I would not have had if I had kept my same-old, same-old m.o., but now I need to let it go.  Do I think I could keep going for the full 90 days?  Actually…..yes.  But I’m not sure this is what I want.  If I stop it now, I have a much better chance at breaking this pattern before it has a chance to really become habit.

But how’s this for a monkey wrench?  So far, it seems my weight has stabilized!  Not to where I usually like it — I’m still about 2-3 pounds above my normal weight (I’d gained about 4-5 from the holidays this year, more turmoil than usual, part of the reason for my doing this month experiment).  But, if I’m to believe my weigh-in of a couple of days ago….and a few days before that…..yeah, it appears possible that things aren’t deteriorating on the weight end.  MAYBE.  Two or three weigh-ins are hardly enough to see a trend.

So….. I have some thinking to do.  I’m not afraid to abandon either the 90 day challenge OR the January challenge (actually…..I won’t abandon the latter as there are only a few days left of the month, and I do think this is a good break from certain food habits I’d developed) if it turns out to be not what I feel is what I want.

I also may take a break from this blog (hey, it IS called the *part-time* bulimic, isn’t it? my attempt at humor).  I have so much going on with my work and I worry that concern about blogging is actually taking my eyes off my eating “steering wheel” at the moment.  Then again, maybe I’ll discover I benefit more by keeping the blog going than in taking a break.  I just wanted to let readers know what’s up if I suddenly drop off the face of the earth.

We’ll see!

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Lightbulb moment! I use my dinner to “decompress”!

This month has produced so many interesting realizations.  Initially I simply made it my goal that if I were to binge, I would limit myself to only the foods already in the house.  In other words, no special trips to the store, no purchases of normally “forbidden” options.  Doing this, I speculated, would remove some of the allure, knowing that all I’d be eating are those foods that are already part of my meal plan.  And indeed, it’s amazing how this helped diffuse the urges.  They’re still there, but for sure this helped calm down my eating.

Then I issued a challenge to myself, to pursue 90 days of “abstinence,” abstinence being, a break from bingeing altogether.  I felt I’d reached the point in which I was ready to tackle this, though I also knew that putting it out there would be risky.  90 days is a long time, and more over, the definition of “abstinence” can be massaged tremendously.  Nothing drives me crazier than when a person sets out to accomplish a goal, falls short of it, and rather than own up to it and maybe speculate on what went wrong or maybe whtether the goal was too ambitious or mismatched, they simply skirt the issue, give some general, “Well, at least I didn’t GAIN additional weight” or whatever.  Hey, the idea is to set goals and make an honest effort — and be honest with yourself, not to let things peeter out and avoid confronting the fizzle.  This is something I WON’T do on this blog.  What you read is what is happening.  You won’t see me back down or side step what has actually happened.  What’s the point?  Self-deception and denial are the fuel that keeps us in our current situations.  If you want to change you have to face both the triumphs and the discomforts of tripping.

Anyway, I have a whole lot to say with regard to those two challenges I’d issued myself.  Lots of progress, some stumbles, some imperfections.  But this has been a very different month from December, or really any period of time over the last several years.  It’s scary at times, because I’m not totally sure I like where this is taking me, but it’s also encouraging at times, as it certainly can suggest the opposite:  that I’ve stepped up to a new platform in my growth from my eating disorder.

In any event, the change of eating and restrictions in terms of binge behavior has led to a number of insights and realizations.  Last night (really, this morning) was one of them. 

I have to admit, a large factor in my eating choices has to do with calorie density.  What I mean is, I tend to try to choose foods that I enjoy, but that also provide the biggest “bang” (volume, for example) for the calorie “buck”.  Fruit, vegetables, popcorn, nonfat yogurt, sorbet, fish, fat-free cottage cheese, sugar-free jam, rice cakes, oatmeal.  You get the idea.  Don’t get me wrong, I also include olive oil (love to cook), dried fruit, sunflower seeds, rice (neither very low nor very high in calories), peanut butter, etc.  But by and large, I gravitate towards foods that both fill me up and take a long time to eat, while providing the minimum calories for that amount.  Among the foods I don’t tend to eat:  bread, butter, dry cereal, most meats (just don’t care for), potatoes, pasta, desserts, sugar, chips, crackers, cheese….you get the idea.  I also tend to shy away from certain fruits that, while tasty, are easy to overeat and are rather high in calories.  Grapes, for example, as much as I love them.  Bananas are about a 50/50; I’ll go through phases where I’m eating them constantly, then not at all.

Anyway, I know these aren’t exactly well-kept diet secrets.  I’m sure many people do this as it makes perfect sense.  Why not choose Food A over Food B if Food A is just as enjoyable as Food B, only with Food A you can eat more for the same calories?  Common sense.

But I discovered something REALLY interesting last night!

I had a good day yesterday overall.  Work went very well.  However, given my nature, I tend to get “wound up” by the end of the evening.  I work a job that demands long hours, usually quite late.  And as much as I adore my job, what ends up happening is I get so excited and jubilant as I work, by the end of my day I’m literally ready to run a 5K.  I can’t even listen to music en route home, settling instead for talk radio that I don’t even care for, just because I need to hear someone talking; I’m too wound up to concentrate/”relax” enough to listen to music, even though I normally LOVE listening to music.  This I’ve known about myself for many years.

And I’ve also known that part of the force that drives my binges is this very trait; I get wound up and it predisposes me to make impulsive, bad choices with my eating.  I can have my normal plan in place for the whole day, only to have some weird metamorphosis occur within those final two hours of the evening, leading to my making (almost always foolish) last-minute changes that almost always leads to disaster.

Knowing this about myself, I’d made some recent (as in, within the last 4 months or so) attempts to mitigate this effect.  Since I can’t seem to change the way I go about my work, my thought was, maybe there’s some intervening activity I can perform between driving home from work and arriving home for dinner.  Because once I’m home, it’s like this ticker clock goes off, and I can’t make my dinner fast enough.  So for a little while there, I was stopping off at the gym, not to exercise so much as to do other things:  sauna, sit in the Jacuzzi, stretch, sip some tea at the cafe, get a manicure, etc.  Just *something* to help diffuse my hyperactivity.  And lo and behold, it definitely helped.  I not only did better with my eating, I also loved these indulgences, began to look forward to them.

Admittedly, as the holidays approached I began to stop doing this.  Why?  Not sure, actually.  Without a doubt, it’s a bit exhausting.  My days are long and this additional activity demands its own extra effort.  At this time of the year especially (cold, snow, ice), it becomes more of a hassle.

Okay, so last night I had a good evening at work, but a few (normal) stresses as well.   I was doing okay with my eating this week — some issues, some of them scary, but overall well.  I had no reason to believe last night would be anything but a success in terms of my sticking to the meal plan.

So I got home, cooked my dinner, which was delicious.  Healthy, warm, nourishing.  I emerged very happy and content.

But then…. I kept going.  Oddly enough, I literally almost exactly repeated my day’s food.  In other words, nothing exotic, no treats, I had almost exactly the same foods I’d eaten on my meal plan yesterday.  Definitely well in excess of what my body needs (great….back to “damage conrol” mode), but not a single “woo hoo I’m eating this!” forbidden pleasure-type foods.  Vegetables.  Soup.  An Asian apple-pear.  Sugar-free dietetic mousse from a mix.  No out-of-control portions, though by the time I stopped it was definitely enough to cause a great deal of stomach distress.  I went to bad extremely angry at myself.  What the HELL?

It wasn’t until this morning that I realize what I do.

I use my dinner to decompress.

And last night….. I had more stress to “vent” than normal.  And guess what.  My dinner didn’t “last” long enough for the full decompression to take place.  Because it was weird, the impulse to eat more came out of nowhere.  It was as though I felt a certain let-down upon finishing my dinner, like, “But I’m not READY to be done with this yet!”  I didn’t feel hungry per se, just wanted to keep eating.  But I didn’t want to undo the progress I’d made this month or gain weight (well…at least not gain so much weight that I couldn’t get back on track quickly), so I fastidiously avoided any foods that would constitute my “treat” foods.  By keeping my foods within my “normal” options I avoided initiating that “what the hell, I’ve already eaten this, may as well go for the things I’ve been craving!” switch.  But still, I ate.  And well in excess of what I needed.  But I had no problem stopping long before I might normally have stopped with my “regular” binges.  So something was definitely different here.

And that’s when I realized this this morning.  I had more on my mind last night.  More “stuff” to release.  The safety valve was my dinner, only the safety valve was not opened for long enough to fully release the pressure that had built.  I had to re-open the valve and keep it open until all pressure had released.  I could then stop and relax, albeit now with a whole new stress in its place.

So here I sit, with a bloated stomach and this realization.  Which means I have to do something about this.

Clearly, I have to figure out how to release that steam, that built-up energy (which by the way is often positive, which makes it even worse as I feel like I’m truly abusing food for NO good reason!) in some other way.  Yes, I’ve become good at sitting with my emotions and not letting them sway me the way they used to.  And yes, I’m valuing my body and my sense of worth more than ever, which is one reason I made these challenges for myself this month.  But I don’t think any amount of recovery from the ED will negate the fact that I’m inclined to work myself up when I’m at work (or anything — I get excited and happy and sad and intensely passionate in so much of what I do).  I need some additional strategy to take that edge off of the pressure, so that dinner becomes the tail end of that unwinding process.

What to do?  Not sure yet.  I could resume my hit-the-gym-after-work routine, but I also need something I can do at home.  Last night, for example, would have been out of the question for that strategy as the temperatures dropped below zero, with windchills even worse.  I need to keep it practical and accessible enough that I’ll readily be able to follow through with it.

Got some brainstorming to do!

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“Old” emotions, trigger analysis

No real triggers lately as I’m continuing to do okay with my 90 day challenge.  And I’m always leary about talking about triggers, not so much because I don’t think they exist or that I’m embarrassed about my own personal triggers.  Rather, it’s realizing that at some point, trying to pinpoint exactly what led to a binge or other eating episode is a pointless exercise.  At the end of the day, it really doesn’t *matter* what triggered it, one, because it’s impossible to definitively put your finger on it like that.  Do you REALLY know that you were triggered by incident or emotion x, y or z?  Or were you more triggered by simply smelling a fresh-baked cookie and feeling annoyed that to eat it would be outside of your body’s needs that day?  It’s impossible to pinpoint the answer (most of the time — sometimes it’s very obvious), because it’s probably not one factor alone.  But the other reason for the futility of figuring out the trigger is because triggers will happen each and every day.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  You can’t eliminate them, so what’s the point of zeroing in on them?  The problem isn’t the trigger; the problem is your reaction to it.  The more constructive approach, to me, is to focus more on your coping skills and learning to sit with your emotions, so that regardless of what happens on a given day, you won’t let it sway what you set out to do/behave.

That said, I’m realizing more and more how old emotions can be a trigger.  Heck, never mind trigger, just realizing that emotions I feel may in fact be “old” is an interesting revelation.  I wonder if it’s partly because these are the emotions I ignored/stifled when bingeing?  Do they remain somewhere in there and come up at a later point?  Could be.  Or it could just be that something reminded me of a past event/emotion, prompting me to re-experience it.  Doesn’t matter to me.  What matters is that I can see it and recognize it.  At least I know that I don’t need to act on or work with it in any way.  Just ride it out and let it pass, like a rogue rainshower.  The Weather Channel didn’t predict it, but come mid-afternoon, a few fluffy clouds converged and a spontaneous rainstorm followed.  Short-lived, harmless.

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Learnings from this last week

This is when my posts turn boring, as there’s not a whole lot to report other than my week has gone well.  I hit a couple of rough patches in the form of some foods that probably don’t belong in my food plan anymore, so I’m eliminating them for now (certain cheeses being among them).  But nothing even remotely reminiscent of disordered behavior.  It’s actually a relief to have the junk out of my radar; I genuinely enjoy eating fruit and steamed vegetables and whole grains and was able to get back to preparing recipes with these ingredients.  More over, releasing certain foods as even an option seems to have had the effect of freeing up my mind even further, allowing me to focus more on work and other areas of interest.  It’s a subtle shift as I already had most of my eating disorder behind me — the few remnant leftover behaviors being more physical distractions than emotional ones, but it’s definitely noticeable.  And it feels so WONDERFUL to be taking better care of my health.  If there’s any one thing that I’ve learned (more reinforced as I already knew) over the last couple of months, it’s that I do love my body, and that it pains me deeply when I harm it.  Probably my greatest motivator to finish flushing out these last few (but significant) behaviors is the desire to take good care of myself and my body.  It’s a desire that’s come over me especially over the last six months and it’s (thankfully) something I can’t turn off.  But of course, nothing is instantaneous; where there’s bad habit, mere desire alone doesn’t typically translate to instant change.  It’s a process and I’m convinced I’m in the next phase of that process.  I don’t think I’ve ever been here before — “here” being in a state where I’m consistently in a state of contentment with my body AND I’m following a specific healthy food plan AND I’m processing and sitting with my emotions so as not to turn to eating as an outlet for them.  I feel as though I’m experiencing the best of all worlds here, and it’s a great feeling, indeed!

But I’m aware that I’m not out of the woods yet.  No room for complacency, I have to stay focused and greet this next week with the goal to keep the growth and improvement going.

If I have one challenge that’s still working its way out, it’s trying to figure out how to strike the balance between “allowing myself to eat what I have a taste for” vs. “eating what I know is healthy for me.”  These aren’t always one of the same, and making the decision can be daunting.  If I want to include a bowl of low-fat ice cream with dinner, no problem, this isn’t an uncommon treat I allow on my food plan.  On the other hand, if I know I’ve been fighting a cold lately and would definitely do better allocating those calories for a healthier option — an orange and some almonds, for example, what to do?  I have been at this long enough to know that choosing the orange and almonds, while arguably the better choice in terms of nourishment, can backfire as I don’t feel as satisfied as I’d like with my dinner, which can lead to a return to the kitchen an hour later.  But obviously, choosing the ice cream is choosing basically something with no nutritional value.  As a mature adult, surely there comes a point in which you have to learn to override that “inner child craving” and do what is best for your long-term health.  At least…..that’s my goal, to reach the point that I’m more at peace with that decision process.  I’m doing much better, but it’s definitely still a situation-by-situation decision process.  I wonder if it ever becomes automatic rather than so cognitive?

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Study: People becoming heavier because it’s socially okay to do so

I was reading about a study that was done recently (link to article here:  http://www.emaxhealth.com/109/14800.html), that suggests a most un-p.c. conclusion:  the increase in people’s weight in this country is partly the result of it being socially acceptable to be heavier.

Whether you agree with the study’s conclusion or not, I must admit, I have always maintained that in order to keep yourself at a certain weight range — one that requires a great deal of work, you must not only strongly desire to be “there,” you must ALSO feel a specific dislike at either the thought or experience of being above that range (for yourself, not suggesting what others should or shouldn’t do or feel).  You have to.  Because eating cleanly is difficult.  It demands constant, daily attention (ever notice how when you return to work Monday it takes you a little while to return to exactly where you left off on Friday?  What do you think happens to your body when you take a few days off from working on your eating and exercise?), and when the going gets tough, you’d better have some strong, underlying motivation to stick it out or you’ll find your eating — and subsequent weight — about as stable and resolved as a rogue plastic grocery bag on a blustery day.

Now, don’t misunderstand me.  I would never advocate you set unrealistic standards for yourself.  I know where my own body “settles in” when my eating is squeaky clean (not perfect, but clean most of the time) and I’m exercising daily (again, most of the time).  It’s where I have the most energy, the most restorative sleep, and indeed, where I prefer my physical appearance.  Given that my weight readily maintains itself below the national average, deep down I could never accept my body at this country’s “average,” because I’d know deep down it would not reflect my body at its optimal health and fitness; if anything, to be there would indicate something has gone awry with my exercise and/or eating plan.  But this works on the other end of the spectrum, too.  If your genetics predispose you to a seeming setpoint that’s considerably *higher* than the average even in light of consistent, clean eating (and I do mean “consistent” and “clean” — I don’t mean what most people convince themselves is “consistent” and “clean”), then indeed, it would not do you well to shoot for a level of leanness that’s far beneath what you believe you can achieve.

Or would it?  I’m beginning to question if there’s a potential benefit in aiming high, probably higher than what you know you can achieve.  Does this not make you reach further?  Will you not make a harder effort when you set ambitious goals for yourself?  What I’m seeing all around me is evidence that people are settling for mediocrity, that “good enough” is….well, good enough.  Don’t expect greatness of yourself, because gosh, then you might disappoint yourself if you don’t reach it.  Don’t set your goals too high, because gosh, that takes more work.  How awful, those who limit themselves so!  In the overall scheme of things, most of us are capable of just about anything.  Don’t tell me you have no sense of direction, you can’t read a map, you can’t cook, you can’t <fill in the blank>.  Those are copouts!  You CAN do these things!  But you might have to work harder, subject yourself to some discomfort or embarrassment, and yes, you’ll have to focus and keep pushing yourself even when you don’t want to, and YES, sometimes a little harsh self-talk is the greatest gift you can give yourself.  I don’t mean, “I’ve gained five pounds.  I suck.”  I mean, “I’ve let myself gain five pounds.  I know better.”

I once read that alcoholism and other addictions are curiously more prevalent in areas/societies/cultures/countries that don’t frown upon it, and in some cases actually make light of or celebrate inebriation, and that it’s curiously sparse in countries/cultures/societies/families/circles that view such lack of self-control in an extremely negative, face-losing light.  Why would weight be any different, I wonder?

It’s just one more reminder that in the end, if you wish to be where you wish to be, YOU have to set the standards for yourself.  You must dismiss whether it’s socially acceptable or not and determine what YOUR best body/health/level of fitness is at, and don’t let yourself be swayed by where the wave of humanity is orienting themselves at the moment.  Just as we can’t let ads, TV shows, etc. or unrealistically thin/”perfect” women’s bodies lure us into setting those kind of standards for ourselves, so too do we need to ignore if “everyone else” seems to be okay with letting their bodies grow to sizes we don’t wish for ourselves.

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Progress report on 90-day challenge: The cheese cometh, the cheese must go-eth

It’s been a mixed week.  My self-started 90-day challenge is still on, and I’m relieved to get through almost the first week without major incident — something I haven’t been able to say for a while now.  But it hasn’t been without a couple of stumbles, and I have to nip these in the bud before my mind infers that somehow I “got away” with these deviations.  Ironically, that’s always been a force to contend with in myself; slip-ups, if they don’t feel too consequential, have the dangerous ability to suggest that they can reappear again soon after with no harmful impact.  At a time when I reached my heaviest weight (a number of years ago), that’s how it happened.  It didn’t happen by bingeing; it happened through steady, seemingly “harmless” overeating, with just enough clean eating days in between to make me feel falsely safe and secure.  I weighed myself only sporatically and wow, was I in for a shock when I finally stepped on the scale.  It’s actually one reason I “accepted” bingeing as a method of weight management for myself.  When I binge, particularly at the end of the day when the digestive ill effects will even further impact me the next day, I can’t for one second fool myself into thinking that what I did wasn’t “so bad.”  You KNOW it’s bad.  Your whole body knows, the consequences are stark and horrific and throw you back into action like nothing else can.  But overeat a little?  Especially if you do so early in the day — i.e. take in a few extra calories between breakfast and lunch but eat a normal dinner, you could emerge the next day feeling no perceivable changes in your digestion, energy, etc., even though you did what you did the previous day.  This, I believe is what lures people into a false sense  of security and inaction.  My challenge, therefore, lies heavily in striking a happy medium between the two extremes:  to not binge, and for many reasons, but to also not let the occasional slip-up become anything more than occasional.  I have to react to these indiscretions with the same voracity that I do a binge, or I’m setting myself up for that same steady creep that resulted in ## extra pounds lo so many years ago.  I will NOT go there.  I was miserable on a level that is indescribable; I would actually rather be riddled with an eating disorder of the first order for  the rest of my life than let my body return to that place.  At that weight, I’m useless.  I don’t function well, I’m distracted every second of the day by how bloated and imbalanced I look and feel.  I’m not healthy and I’m aware of it when I’m there.  But I also know how physically awful it is to binge, what it does to my body.  I don’t want to remain so reliant on that behavior as my “parent” — the impetus to snap myself back on track.  I want to snap and stay on track through other, more mature, internal motivations.  That’s what these 90 days are all about.

Anyway, on to my post title.  Both of my slip-ups this week involved parmesan cheese.  This is definitely a good example of a craving that long since ran its course, only you cling to the food item not for the actual satisfaction it brings you, but out of habit.  You don’t enjoy it nearly as much as you think you will or remember doing so, but you turn to it anyway at a moment of concentration lapse.

So I’m officially moving it from my food plan list to off of it.  It’s no good for me, salty and loaded with saturated fat.  I’m definitely much better off without it and now I’m making it official.  Done.

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Weighed myself this week…..ugh, but not too ugh

Contrary to what “they” will tell you (“Don’t weigh yourself — you’ll get obsessive!”), I find that the only way to keep myself in check — ironically, to NOT obsess about my weight…..is to weigh myself regularly.  If I don’t, I either talk myself into thinking I’m below the weight I probably am (ergo I can eat something I shouldn’t) or I talk myself into thinking I weigh more than I actually do (ergo I freak out and eat that same something I shouldn’t anyway — WTF).  If I know, in glaring proof, exactly where I’m at, at least I can make day-to-day tweaks and nip things in the bud before they become major problems.  I can almost always tell when I’m falling into a rough pattern, because one of the things that happens is that I stop weighing myself for a couple of weeks.  A lot can happen in a couple of weeks, so this is never a good idea.

Anyway, in lieu of my self-initiated 90-day challenge, I figured I’d better bite the bullet and step on the scale so that I could document where I’m at with this, especially as I continue this path.  OK, not horrific, but definitely in the danger zone.  You know when you’re watching that scene in a movie, where the person has been drugged and they’re put into the driver’s seat of a car, and the car is careening helplessly towards a cliff, and all you’re doing is thinking, “Wake up!!!!!  Stop the car!  You’re about to die if you don’t!”…..and just when it’s looking hopeless, the person lifts their head, startles when they see what’s about to happen, and just in the nick of time, hits the brakes or steers the car away from the disaster?  In a much less melodramatic sense, that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m not out of harm’s immediate way yet, but I’ve at least awakened before things went spiraling into calamity.

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“Those aren’t ‘weekday’ foods!”

Interesting thought processes since making my decision to aim for a 90 days of continuous “abstinent” (binge-free) eating.  I was at work yesterday, around lunchtime, ready to go use the fitness facility and get my workout in (we have a gym on-site — very convenient).  The sun was shining, pouring into the fitness center windows, seemingly “flushing” all the previous day’s shadows (we’d had lots of cloudy days lately) and brightening my mood as only the promise of fresh air and beautiful weather can.  I felt energized, almost as though this decision to “aim for 90” has freed my mind, allowing me to think about other things.  After all, if I’m not groppling about when my next cheat day is….why then, I can allow myself the pleasure of noticing those little joys that sometimes fall off my mind’s radar.  And it’s only Day 3!

But prior to descending into the gym, I walked the hallway past the company kitchen, where apparently someone was baking pizza for their lunch, as the unmistakable smell was wafting from the oven.  Oven as in, the regular oven, not oven as in, the microwave.  You know that fragrance of freshly baked crust?  It was that kind, not that “pretend crust that just got microwaved and is now either soggy or dry and hard as a rock.”  Forgive the tangent, but why bother to even try eating pizza if you’re subjecting yourself to such an unsatisfying taste and texture?  If you’re going to have pizza, even “healthy, low-fat” pizza, for pete’s sake, at least bake it the old-fashioned way (yes, I know those silvery microwavable “crisp disks” that come with frozen ‘zas do help….but no, I don’t find they help enough).

But I digress.  As I greedily inhaled the pizza’s aroma (hooray for pizzaroma?), I found myself experiencing a shift from how I’d normally react.  Normally, that nanosecond that follows would have been something like, “Mmmm.  Smells good.  Oh well, can’t have it.  Next!”  I never eat outside of my food plan during the day, and never eat stuff brought into the office.  Not treats, not catered foods.  Don’t need it, don’t want it.

But yesterday’s reaction was different.  It DID smell good.  I acknowledged that.  I also had no problem acknowledging that I’d have to wait until later, much later (as in, after work) before the next time I eat.  No problem, nothing new there.

But rather than feel a twinge of…..desire?….for the pizza, instead I found myself experiencing the spontaneous thought of, “THAT’S not ‘weekday’ food!”  Meaning, why would you eat something so heavy and dense (especially when compared with what you’re getting in terms of nutrients) in the middle of the week…..in the middle of the DAY….no less, when you have things like work and other tasks at hand?  It suddenly seemed so out of place.  Later, I had the same reaction upon watching a TV commercial for those Chunky soups (not the regular kind, the kind that is basically a casserole-in-can:  pasta with meatballs, for instance).  Understand, I don’t mean “sinful,” just….misplaced.  It would be like getting ready to run a 10K, only instead of having that bowl of oatmeal first thing that morning — something to fortify your body without causing any distress, you instead chose that moment to eat two pieces of your aunt’s “famous” fudge.  Or you’re about to go to a wine tasting of some rare Sauternes, and just beforehand you pull out a piece of grape Bubble Yum.  Do you see where I’m going?  You’re choosing a food that is entirely mismatched to the activities you’re embarking on; food that may even impede your full enjoyment of those activities.  Suddenly, to me it seems the only rightful foods to be eaten during the week are those that are nutritious but light — fruits, vegetables, yogurt, cottage cheese, clear-brothed soup….light foods that will leave you nourished but not weighed down (physically OR mentally).  I’m not even so much referring to calories as I am the complexity of the food.  Plain, peasant food is for the weekday.  Complex, decadent, rich, comfort foods — those are for the weekend, not only when you’re able to relax and not rush the digestion, but also so that you can more thoroughly ENJOY the food.  Can you really enjoy pizza fully if you’re wolfing it at your desk with the phone ringing and your mouse snaking up and down the memo you’re typing?  You may as well just do plain baked potato with a little black pepper, or a few sticks of string cheese and a small apple; you’ll derive no less enjoyment (quite possibly MORE) and you’ll do your body so much better!

It was just such an interesting and different mindset from the one I’ve been in for so long.  I don’t think it’s a completely new one; I think I’ve been “here” before.  And surprise surpise, when I have I seem to recall a much smoother era in my eating behavior, stress management, emotional navigation, etc.  What’s interesting too is that these things never seem to be something you can impose on yourself; at least, not so that it reaches “this” level.  It’s good to do plenty of self-talking, to help reinforce the path you want your mind to take.  But you still have to sit back and wait for your boat to finally float out of the fog.  And what’s amazing is how that fog can seem so thick and impenetrable one minute…..then all of a sudden it’s blown off, and you can see for miles.  The trouble is you just don’t know, when you’re in the fog, how close you are to that clearing, and I sometimes wonder if the more you zero in on worrying/wondering about that, the more you steer your boat deeper into the fog.

In any event, it’s nice to be enjoying some sudden clarity like this! 

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Early progress report on the 90: Off to a good start

I wanted to quick post that I’d actually made this decision (read the post) yesterday.  And I’m off to a good start (though the real test is yet to come), but what I wanted to mention an interesting phenomenon I’m noticing even now, at this early stage.

I have often used sporting events as my sources of reinforcement, that overriding task that demands that my eating remain clean and solid and binge-free.  And indeed, the minute I have, my choice of foods and how to structure my day becomes almost astoundingly clear.  When you know there’s no “cheating” you know precisely what to do to ensure you’ll remain well-fed, well-nourished, and satisfied enough to resist cravings.

Having made this 90-day challenge for myself, I’m finding the exact same thing happening.  Suddenly it’s clear what to do, what not to do, foods to eat, foods not to eat.  A positive sign, no question, but interesting too that it should happen so swiftly!  Let’s hope it sticks.

All uptalk aside, I do know I face a challenge ahead.  I will have to endure discomfort just like I do when I push myself to exercise.  We’ll see what happens!

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Going out on a limb here: My 90-day challenge

Every now and then, I’ve had to shake up my routine and/or my approach to continuing to move forward with better eating and related behaviors.  Over the years, a number of measures have helped tremendously, but the only thing they really share in common is that they came from something deep within, a momentary light bulb idea that, had I tried to impose it on myself at any other time, probably wouldn’t have worked.  That’s one of the tough things about managing/overcoming a bad habit:  There’s no formula or step-by-step set of procedures, no linear “plan” of first you do this, then you do this.  As often as I have been helped by my diligent logs and journals over the years, I know how often I have fallen into that trap of trying to look up what I was doing during a particular era in which I was experiencing good success, hoping to glean some insight as to what I could be doing now to get back to “that point.”

And while there definitely are measures that consistently work well for me no matter what year it is or what I’m currently experiencing….there are plenty of actions that become outdated; they run their course and may never be of use to me again.  Or they fade, I stray away, but they resurface later, at another time.  The lack of clear-cut answers and definitive “methods” can be daunting to an analytical mind like mine!

With that in mind, I’m feeling the light of inspiration for one of those probably-short-term-but-effective strategies for myself.  I hesitate to blog it because it’s quite the tall order.  Nothing annoys me more than when someone vows to do something….then a day later that “something” falls off the radar, or they abandon it.  What was the point of making such a declaration if you’re going to be so wishy-washy?  So for me to reach the point where I’m recording this, means I’ve given it a lot of thought and have a sense of readiness about myself.

I have basically always exercised.  At one time in my life, I exercised probably 4-5 days/week on average.  I’d exercise a few days, take a day off, another few days, take a day off.  Sometimes two days off.  At some point, I realized I felt better, functioned better, improved my health and happiness, if I aimed to exercise every day.  It took a while for that to fully happen — about a year of 6 days a week — but these days, with very little exception, I exercise every day.  Some days are lighter, some heavier, but the goal is every day, even when I’m slightly under the weather, even when I’m tired or cranky or just don’t want to.  My current streak is over six months long.

I’m looking at this as a model for my next eating phase.  I’m making it my goal to be abstinent for the next 90 days.  I’m borrowing that term from OA (I’m not personally a fan of that program but I certainly acknowledge it has helped many — and like everything, it has those points I agree with and disagree with), because it describes my goal most accurately.  In this case, my aim is to to 90 days without bingeing.

I feel ready for this because I honestly feel I’m down to the “bad habit” stage of my eating disorder.  As my dear husband often observes, I’m 97.9% there, save for this pesky remnant behavior I just haven’t yet kicked.  But I think it’s been weakened to the point that I have a real shot at this.  I do it with my exercise, why not with my eating as well?

Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.  How will I feel?  Happy?  Relieved?  The Same?  Cranky?  Irritable?  Excited?  I promise I will blog what happens.  The whole truth.

If by chance YOU feel ready to take on a similar challenge, well certainly, you’re welcome to join me!  I know I’m not the only one at this stage of my eating behavior.  Or if you’re not interested or ready, sit back and see what happens.  Either way, it’s bound to be an interesting three months!

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