I’ve been having quite a nice summer (notice I’m not putting that in the past tense, because I’m in DENIAL that the warm weather season is coming to an end!), some ups and downs but overall I feel good about my ongoing growth. I hate to frame this in terms of weight — life is so much more than just that, but given the theme of this blog, I will go ahead and report that my weight has been generally “steady” to “good,” meaning I’ve been probably 1-3 pounds above where I like my weight during the course of the season. One wonders what psychological mechanism (and it has to be that) keeps me from crossing that invisible barrier (my working theory is that the brain likes the path of least resistence, and as long as it sees me within a stone’s throw distance from my “fighting weight,” it decides it’s safe and okay to allow me some leeway that day), but I hope that barrier is finally crossed again soon.
Which brings me to today’s topic. There came a point this summer in which I had one of my infamous “house cleanings,” lifestyle-wise. I need these every now and then; I reach a point in which I’ve become stagnant in certain choices of foods, of articles I read, of things I listen to, etc., and must abruptly switch gears because all these things seem to be doing is reinforcing my struggle. So I strip them away and go back to some reliable basics, and almost inevitably see myself returning to “myself.” And right or wrong, one of the ways I monitor this progress back to “myself” is via my naked body checks. You know what I mean. First thing in the morning, give the careful once over, up and down, assess leanness, shape, muscles, etc. Yes the scale is sometimes used, but by now I know about where those numbers probably are based on certain visual criteria, so the intense body scruitiny remains my measurement device of choice.
So with some of these changes came the results I was hoping for, and I must admit a relief upon seeing them! I think I’ve said this before, but the way I describe how I feel/behave when my weight is in place is, I can relax and get my mind onto other things. Ironically, as much as this morning “assessment ritual” seems counterintuitive to obsession-free conduct, that’s in fact exactly what happens; if my body meets my hopes and expectations upon that first checkpoint, I can let go and NOT think about it for the rest of the day. If, on the other hand, I awaken with a bloated stomach or a body that clearly reflects some recent “exceeding my caloric needs” days….my clothes don’t fit the same and I feel as though I’m already entering the day compromised, like no matter what I do or how well I perform work-wise, it can’t add up to 100%. It may seem a harsh way to operate but it’s how I stay on top of myself (sad to say, the call of junk food is still quite loud at times, even as I know I don’t even like some of those things anymore).
OK, so I shook things up, made some changes, and got back to a place that I feel good about this summer. Only problem: This was shortly followed by 1) an extended business trip, 2) a personal vacation with my husband, 3) a temporary change in my work schedule, 4) some social events with people who matter very much to me. These occurrences, while positive — every one of them, would have been challenging enough (on the eating habits) under any circumstances, but making matters harder, they all fell very shortly after I’d initiated my latest lifestyle changes, before (apparently) they’d had the chance to displace the old habits and become my new “default” setting. So predictably, once I emerged from all the turmoil entailed from working with each of these events……I found myself stepping back not to the more positive habits I had planted shortly before, but the old habits I had successfully shed. Worse, it took a little while to realize this had happened!
So let this be a lesson to all of us: beware the comfort zone you build for yourself, for in times of discombobulation (even the good kind), this is what you’re likely to turn back to. I am now working to rebuild my “new and improved” habits from before all of the above took place, and I’m afraid I don’t have a crystal-clear memory of my state of mind from then; I’m having, essentially, to start from scratch and reset my mindset all over again. I appear to be succeeding, but it’s slow. My main goal now is to keep building these new habits, and to do so over a long enough period so as to make this mode of action the “norm,” lest I find myself thrown out of my routine and in need of returning to the familiar. Let’s hope “this” is what becomes “familiar”!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 