Can anyone relate to this? I have a love-hate relationship with baking. Part of me wants sooooo badly to be “normal” when it comes time to baking. Meaning, I can bake cake or cookies or whatever I’m good at, have it in the house and not freak out over it. But I work out of my house much of the time, and while most days I have no issue whatsoever with having the stuff in the house, it’s that day, that moment, that I feel a trigger, or am vulnerable for whatever reason, that suddenly all common sense goes out the door. Now, normally if I’m feeling a trigger and all I have in the house is yogurt, Boca Burgers, and steam-in-bag frozen vegetables…..who cares. But if I’m feeling triggered and I’m all alone and I have 16 containers just brimming with homemade cookies (you know what I mean, where they’re so brimming you don’t even notice if, say, 10 are missing), to quote a Christmas song, “You’d better watch out!” Only it ain’t because Santa Claus is coming to town!
But except for the above explosive scenario, otherwise I have managed to keep the dragon in the cave. When I bake, the rule is that I cannot so much as touch a crumb or bite. Because I know that once I start, I’ll nibble unconstructively, which bogs down the whole process. Worse, I’ll go from enjoying the whole experience — the wonderful smell of the warm cookies, the magic in watching butter, flour, sugar, and a miscellany of ingredients get transformed into these amazing treats, the happy music I’m playing and the spontaneous “bopping” I’ll do while mixing up the ingredients, the cozy glow of the kitchen in contrast to the wintry scene outside, the gratifying sips of eggnog-flavored coffee or diet Dr. Pepper I’m enjoying as I drop, smooth, and shape my cookie dough into submission, even the joy of prancing around the kitchen in my favorite apron, the one given to me as a gift from my favorite aunt — to suddenly dwelling on the extra calories, the churning of my stomach, or worse, the bloat I’m starting to feel if by chance I’ve gone overboard in my noshing. Is it right? Probably not. But I’m tired trying to change that mindset. Much better to simply avoid trouble in the first place and avoid taking that first bite. I don’t find this tough at all. It doesn’t take away from my enjoyment as my main reason for baking is more for the gratification of my loved ones than myself, at least at that moment.
But this year I didn’t bake. Well, at least I didn’t bake much. I started to bake, made a batch of one of my classics. But I tripped, stumbled and fell….hard….two days later, when I succumbed to temptation and nearly finished off a whole Tupperware container of them. To me, this was an early warning sign that I’m not on solid footing this holiday season, and given that my husband is himself watching his eating and trying to lose additional weight at the moment, I feel it’s just as well to skip it this year. Oh well. Life goes on. If anything, it’s been kind of nice; I’ve concentrated more on preparing lighter desserts — pumpkin mousse is a favorite at the moment — and lots of soup and apples as my daily staples. It’s a huge relief, actually. And interestingly, contrary to what I thought, I’m not missing those holiday cookies. Is it possible we follow through with these traditions just because we fear that we’ll feel like we’re missing out if we don’t? I’m beginning to think the actual is nowhere near what we feared it would be.
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 