A great week!

My last entry was a sort of condensed “Where am I now” update, badly needed as there was a huge time gap since my last post.  I won’t rehash it, obviously, but I wanted to post and update since that update.  In last week’s post, I’d mentioned that there appears to be a new path unfolding for me with regard to my recovery, and although I didn’t elaborate on it in detail (and I’m still refraining from doing so, sorry), I want to give a little follow up on how this past week has gone on this seemingly new path.

The answer is, so far, so good!  I’m feeling an irrefutable groundswell of change happening, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time to be in this place.  Basically, I’m in the process of letting go of certain habits — both those that are simply outright destructive and those that either enable the destructive habits, or just have reached the point in which they’ve run their course, they’re no longer particularly useful, and it’s time I move on from them.  Altogether, it’s putting me in a very strange place, mentally.  I feel a bit like a trapeze artist, who has relinquished her grip from one trapeze, and is now suspended mid-air until I can grab hold of the next trapeze that swings my way.  But I’m not fighting this.  I know that this is just where I need to be until new habits get formed.  Truthfully, I’m already feeling a shift even from a week ago.  I’m also welcoming whatever anxiety or urges or annoyances I’m confronting, it’s empowering to feel them and realize I don’t have to turn to certain behaviors even when they hit!  “Bring it on!”  The other side effect this is having is….I feel a little spacey.  I’ve often joked that I seem to have my best presentations, speeches, conversations, etc. when I’m having a bad day, or something majorly wrong has happened that day.  My theory is that there’s a part of my brain that is momentarily staying “occupied” by the bad stuff, liberating the part of my brain that focuses and connects with just the right communication processes.  Well right now it’s the opposite; I’m having a hard time articulating my thoughts, my phone calls are awkward, I seem easily distracted, etc.  This is very irritating and unnerving as I have always prided myself with my ability to communicate well, my wit, etc., and to come away from any of my exchanges with another person feeling good about how it went.  Not so at the moment.  But I’m assuming that, too, will get better over time, as my brain learns to function in the absence of certain habits and as I forge new ones.  But it’s interesting to observe!

So….we’ll see how this week unfolds.

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More on How It Happened (my recent journey into 12 steps)

Somewhat a continuation of yesterday’s (June 1) post.  So read that for reference if you haven’t already.

What a curious and unforseen journey this is shaping up to be.  Before I elaborate on what has happened, what led to this new leaf, I should probably mention what (apparently) precipitated it.  These things can be hard to pinpoint in one neat and tidy explanation; really, how do I KNOW what prompted me to suddenly seek out a bunch of podcasts of a certain 12-step program?  And what then prompted me to quietly begin considering how I might apply those principles to my own life, and to then test the waters?  I doubt I’ll ever fully know.  But that seems to be part of the appeal for me.  I don’t really have to know such answers, at least in terms of getting better.  The solution remains the same regardless.  What a relief!  How freeing!

But for the sake of story telling, and assuming there’s still some value in self-knowledge, I’ll give some specifics.  I had been finding that the more “living” I’ve been doing, the more I’ve been putting myself out there, pushing past my comfort zone and embarking on more and more extensive adventures…..the more I found that my current m.o. with my eating was no longer “good enough.”  It’s interesting to note that certain behaviors of mine, particularly unplanned overeating (as opposed to, say, a planned and greatly anticipated upcoming Friday night pizza splurge), can be seemingly benign and unobtrusive as long as life is relatively small (and, admittedly, all the more so since these deviations were generally sporadic enough so as to not really affect my weight).  I admit that, in the spirit of “the path of least resistence” or “do only the bare minimum,” I allowed certain insane behaviors to remain in place, unchallenged, due to these very reasons.  But as my life became bigger, as I pushed and continued experiencing more and more growth…..darn it if I found that these behaviors were beginning to impede on my life, in a way that was unacceptable to me.  And on top of that, I’ve been finding myself increasingly…..protective….caring….about my body.  I guess I finally opened my eyes to the awfulness of the effects of this behavior, the turmoil it causes my body even if relatively “mild” (in comparison to what it had been in the past, what it “could” be) and temporary.  It increasingly broke my heart to see my body go through the aftermath, like a wounded beloved pet or other helpless animal.  So the desire to change, I believe, really and truly came from this groundswell within; it really had little to do with “weight” per se, more a genuine desire to be able to live life freely no matter how “big” it gets, and to take as good a care as I can to this wonderful and cherished body I have been entrusted with.

But what prompted actual action was an upcoming trip.  This was to be a high-action trip, one for which there would be no room for “error,” in that I could NOT imagine experiencing the trip with any distraction from my eating.  Just the mere thought of harming the experience through such pointless behavior caused my chest to constrict.  I knew that I had to “get clean” for the trip and have a plan in place to somehow suspend my behaviors and have healthy ones in their place, be they temporary or the start of something long-term.

I had already made some internal shifts, I believe, when I began listening to the podcasts.  But without a doubt, listening to the speakers struck a huge chord with me.  I found myself letting go of preconceived ideas, found myself feeling the excitement that comes with approaching something with an open mind, something I thought I was good at but soon concluded that I definitely was less practiced at this than I had originally believed.  But now I found myself, for the first time that I can ever remember, confronting the fears and anxieties and other such reactions with a, “Well take a deep breath and….why not?  Don’t panic, just listen and see what happens.”  And that was the turning point.  What could I lose?  Why not consider some new, uncharted territory?  I felt secure enough with where I’ve brought myself to believe that if I really felt the need to retreat, I could put myself back on my own track and go on my merry way.  But somehow I sensed that this made sense, that this was and is the right step for myself.

And I can only say, something magical happened.  Something switched inside me.  I’m going to skip past a couple of weeks, though I will say the trip was AWESOME.  Truly life-changing, and in so many ways and I know much of it had to do with the shift I’d made in the period leading up to it and the trip itself.  I knew something was happening just by the fact that I kept it to myself until after we’d returned from the trip.  Normally, I tell my husband EVERYTHING, but this time I really felt the need to stay private about it, let this internal journey be mine, at least until I knew whether this was really going somewhere.

Anyway, but aside from the amazing trip that resulted, I believe, largely from this internal shift, something astonishing happened upon our return that REALLY illuminated my internal change.  Ordinarily, upon returning from a trip, it’s not unusual for me to indulge myself foods/treats that I was unable to access on the trip.  Since eating cleanly on a trip is nothing new to me — it’s my normal mode, as I like to keep things simple in that regard, it’s not unusual to have a rather mono-food diet while traveling, which I actually enjoy as it forces me to extract pleasure from foods I normally overlook when I have access to more varieity.  But it still means I miss certain foods, and I have found it’s simply easiest to allow one indulgent dinner/evening following my return, get it “out of my system,” and voila, I’m back on track.  And although this trip brought forth certain changes that were new for me, overall my eating on this trip was probably not so very different from my normal “clean travel diet,” which meant I once again anticipated my upcoming “treat night” upon our return.

And although we were returning on a Sunday, I did not want to make Sunday night Treat Night as I hate starting off my Monday/week with a foggy head and bloaty digestion.  But looking at my calendar, I noticed that Tuesday would be a mostly work-out-of-the-house day.  Perfect, I thought, I’ll allow my Treat Night for Monday.

So here’s the astonishing part.  I woke up Monday morning, got dressed and ready for work.  Yet….I found myself strangely undesiring of having any treats that day.  Understand, once I make such a decision, normally that’s it, there’s no revisiting it, and I must admit I spend much of my day thinking about the goodies I will be indulging myself that evening.  So for me to have even one second thought is unheard of.  Yet here I was, going about my day, not wanting to follow through with it.  The reason?  Not because of the anticipated digestion/foggy head woes, but because I had had such an amazing trip….I didn’t want to end the afterglow just yet.  I knew that the moment I truly gave in to allowing this treat night, my mind would cease all thoughts of the trip and go back to its “pre trip” orientation.  I couldn’t bear the thought.  Maybe later, I thought.  But…..not today.  So I made the decision to hold off.  Yes, I did.  And I nearly cried, it’s like I could feel my body smiling at the joy of knowing it would not be inundated with food it did not need, food that would offer nothing nutritionally.  Talk about a change!

So that in itself was its own reward; arriving home from work, cooking up a delicious, wholesome, and modest meal, and savoring it and the feeling of going to bed comfortable, and of course of waking up comfortable.  I literally danced around happily!

BUT this wasn’t the only gift.  For this decision of mine was even more fortuitous than I initially realized.  A couple hours into the day, I got a call from a close friend, in urgent need of going out for coffee to talk — highly unusual as most of us in my social circle are busy enough that such spontaneous get-togethers are rare.  But I said “of course” and we met up.  Turns out my friend was experiencing a huge personal crisis and needed the support of someone who cares, and chose me to be that someone.  And here I was, stepping to the plate and able to be there for my friend.  I can assure you, had I followed through with my original Treat Night plan, I would NOT have been able to be so supportive, so fully present with all of my being.  I might not even have agreed to go, might have come up with a “legitimate” excuse for why I could not.  I shudder to think of this, but I also can’t help but think….was there some Higher Power in effect, steering me?  How else do you explain the series of events?  At the very least, I feel as though some form of divine intervention was in play.

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The serenity of binge-free living

As you probably have deduced, I’m not using or updating this blog very regularly these days (how’s that for a fancy way to say I’ve been completely MIA?).  Truth be told, I find that my ability to benefit from such an outlet fluctuates; sometimes I do better by actually distancing myself from any focus — blogs, books, message boards, etc. — on anything that has to do with eating disorders or weight or food issues.  By shifting my focus away from those things AND surrounding myself with a lifestyle and people who represent anything BUT those things, it’s almost as though I “forget” to have such issues.  Sometimes I think there’s a danger in all this self-help via interacting (or lurking, anyway) with others, because doing so can “normalize” what is otherwise very unacceptable behavior, IMO.  For example, certain behaviors or perceptions may not even OCCUR to me, yet in an environment in which people with weight or eating issues are discussing their problems/recovery, I may encounter individuals who engage in these things.  And while at first I may read with a sense of detached curiosity, you read it often enough and suddenly it doesn’t seem so odd, and suddenly you find your own mind is actually absorbing some of these things, and it starts to pollute your own thinking.  By cutting loose and instead only conversing with people who have never had eating issues, I remind myself what “normal/healthy” looks like.  I realize my own version of “normal/healthy” may not ever be quite there — my history brings with it some realities that I ought not be naive enough to ignore.  But who knows?  Time does great things, and through repetition, it’s amazing how much a person can change, to where there’s not even a hint of a resemblence to their former self or way of thinking.

Ha ha, I’m making it sound like I’m desiring such a dramatic change!  No.  But do I think I benefit greatly from getting out of any “ED recovery” environment or mindset?  Yes, absolutely.  Where I’ll ultimately go….again, who knows?

Anyway, but I’d had a recent turn of events that threw me into a bit of turmoil.  Happily, that turmoil is being resolved, but out of the crisis an interesting lesson was illuminated for me.

I have often lamented (tongue-in-cheek), particularly when I’ve prepared for my various athletic events, about how well nutritious eating “works.”  Meaning, by golly, when I’m forced to eat absolutely cleanly for a long, unbroken stretch of time, usually because I’m training much more intensively and have ambitious goals for a given athletic event, I not only see the influence of properly chosen foods and supplements on my body and athletic performance, I also experience a remarkable, almost unbelievable, release from all my cravings.  Whereas I normally can navigate the ebbs and surges of my appetite and cravings without too much problem — they’re there, but with good nutrition and other tools in place, I can ignore and/or work with them effectively, during these extra-clean eating times, it goes even beyond that; I literally lose the cravings.  Eating my planned meals is effortless, I lose my hunger and yet have boundless energy.  It’s not the most “fun” I’ve had with my eating — the foods are typically not the kind that hit people’s Top 10 list of favorite cheat items, but it feels a small sacrifice when compared with the reprieve it gives me from the daily challenge of appetite management.  Why, you wonder, do I ever stray from such synchronicity?  Like everything, little by little, I let “things” chip away at the oh-so-well-oiled-machine, and while my weight pretty much remains the same, I gradually find myself back to the usual m.o., which includes clean eating, just enough “non clean” eating to satisfy my perceived cravings and to stimulate some new cravings of their own, with willpower kicking in to keep things from moving in the direction of those cravings.  I know, deep down, that if I bring myself back to that more simple eating arrangement, I will probably go back to a craving-free existence, but there’s a reluctance that’s hard to penetrate if I don’t have some overarching motivator, such as an athletic event to prepare for.  Perhaps one of these days things will “stick” more than they have thus far.

With that in mind, recently I had experienced a “mysterious” weight gain.  Now hear me out, I’m normally a person who rolls her eyes at the notion of “mysterious” weight gain.  There’s no mystery; you took in more calories than you burned.  Simple as that.  And this, I believe, is still true.  But considering I’m as vigilant as I’ve always been about weighing my food, measuring my food, tracking my daily calories, recording my food intake and my exercise…… the sudden (as in, over a couple of months’ time) weight gain and notable change of body composition truly had me baffled.  By weight gain, I mean relatively small; about 5-6 pounds over my norm.  But on my frame….it looked AWFUL!  But worst of all, I just couldn’t find a good reason.  If anything, my eating and exercise were even tighter than they were in the preceding 6-8 months.  It was baffling and frightening.  It took a long time for me to get to the level of management of my eating (and the ED) that I currently have, and the thought that I might have to make additional tweaks was overwhelming me.  It didn’t help that I was emerging from one of the hardest and harshest winters our area has ever had.  Clearly Seasonal Affective Disorder was a factor in my dispondence.  And while the extra weight may not seem like a big deal, it was just enough to not only force me out of most of my clothes, but to feel….compromised.  I know at what weight range I look irrefutably at my personal best, and this wasn’t it.  I looked bloated, puffy, definitely imbalanced.  I had been at this weight many years before, but back then it was somehow healthier, more fit, even if it still wasn’t my goal weight.  This?  It didn’t even look like me.

I’ll spare the details of how we finally figured out what the problem was — or at least, what we believe the problem was.  Suffice it to say, we did resolve the problem, and I have taken most of the weight off.  I’m now up by a pound or two and can expect the rest to fall into place soon enough.

But the “why” isn’t really the point here.  My point is what I experienced while trying to deal with the mysterious problem.  Because I had no idea what was going on, only that I was gaining weight mysteriously, one of the changes I had to make was to further shore up my eating.  I needed to make certain that I was truly being accurate in my intake and consistent in staying within my allocated caloric boundaries.  I also figured that darn it, if I was gaining weight now, while eating so cleanly, there was no telling what awful consequence would befall me if I dared stray from my eating plan.  So no cheats.  For a long time.

And that is why I make this post.  Because admittedly, as I have referenced before, I had become accustomed, over the years, to a management strategy whereby I would eat cleanly and exercise regularly, enough so that my metabolism could handle a (usually) once-a-week cheat.  Good enough, except that these cheats were often quite grand in scale — cookies, pizza, cheese, chocolate, eaten to the point of discomfort.  It’s been hard to curtail this one remnant of my ED (which at times didn’t look particularly ED’d, more just the kind of nibble fest people often experience on a Saturday night), as it would often take a good 2-3 days for me to feel recovered from the consequences of my splurge.  And while I didn’t always turn to such decadence on a weekly basis, I would still allow at least 2 days each week in which I’d eat way, way more than my body needed of even “healthy” food, such as trail mix or apples or sugar-free pudding.  And while my weight somehow remained consistent despite these occasional flights of fancy, the cycle of dealing with the added quantity of food on my gastrointestinal tract….the distress it would cause….was awful.  Part of my challenge over these last several months has been to work on lessening the severity.  I say “lessen the severity” because I don’t necessarily think I can nor should abolish these occasional deviations from my food plan.  But of course, there’s a huge difference between having an extra helping of a treat food or cooking a particular recipe in its “full fat” version but otherwise leave the day’s eating the same….vs. what I was doing, which definitely went beyond where it should be.  But….old habits die hard.  Choose your poison, and all of that.

So imagine the unexpected “gift” this recent dilemma gave to me.  For while I was decidedly unhappy with my situation — that is, I was annoyed with what was happening to my body and consumed about trying to figure out what the heck was going on,  I found myself, on a particularly difficult day, taking note of one shining light:  the serenity of being away from bingeing.  Because of my body’s apparant rebellion, I had vigilantly kept myself away from eating outside of my meal plan, and for a long stretch of time.  In this case, it had been weeks since I’d last strayed, and prior to that stumble, a few additional weeks still.  Altogether, I had had almost a couple of months without bingeing (my term for those Saturday and/or weeknight cheats), and I have to tell you….. it was wonderful.  While I was still struggling to find outfits that fit me, I could at least feel the serenity that comes when the body hasn’t been inundated with excess food.  My mind was cleaerer, my energy levels more even, my digestive tract at relative peace.

Well, happily, the few changes that I felt were needed, that I felt may provide the relief my body needed from what appeared to be going on….did finally start to take effect.  I began to see “my” body re-emerge, which was a huge relief, indeed.  I had a few athletic events come and go as well during that time, and found the problem to be almost 100% resolved.

So you know what happened next.  Of course!  Problem solved, success at my athletic events, which means it must be time to celebrate!  Mind you, I’m not out of the woods yet, especially since the whole point is to bring myself back to where I normally MAINTAIN myself, not just some bottom-end extreme from which I can then promptly rebound.  But sure enough, at the first opportunity (read:  where I had a day of down time afterward, allowing me to become cave-dweller and digest quietly out of the radar of most humanity), I merrily high-tailed it to the store, picking out all the sugar-fat-kitchen-sink delights I had so steadfastilly kept myself away from for so long.  It was almost head-spinning — literally — to experience these foods again, like switching on a bunch of neuro-receptors that had become dormant (not unlike what I imagine it’s like to smoke a cigarette after having quit for a while).  A couple of hours and a distended belly later, I couldn’t believe I had once again let myself fall into that bizarre, pre-binge amnesia, where I seem to forget how truly horrible the aftermath is — much more horrible than any pleasure obtained from the taste of the food.

So okay, a trip, stumble and fall.  It happens.  Move on.  Only…. I’ve had a couple more since.  So now I’m back to shoring up my eating and be more guarded on what behaviors and foods I allow over the next week or so.  Having had some blissful reprieve from my last binge, I can once again taste that serenity that I recently experienced, and I’m anxious to return to that place more solidly.  It’s fresh in my mind, and I’m grateful to have been, albeit through strange circumstances, forced to rout out some remnant destructive behaviors so as to let me catch a glimpse of it!  I don’t want to forget it anytime soon.  Talk about realizing how ready I am to be rid of those remnants, once and for all! 

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Changing my blog name and my tagline

Change.  One of the best words of advice I have ever received was that in order to be successful in life — and to be happy, you have to be willing to change, and to change constantly.  That’s something that didn’t come naturally to me.  I’ve had to work on not only accepting change, but also in engineering it (i.e. recognizing when the time has come, and putting it into motion), but in doing so, I can concur that I’m so much happier as a result.

With that in mind, if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll notice a change.  If you haven’t, it’s probably good to at least have this full disclosure.

I started this blog about two months ago, and called it “The Part-time Bulimic,” with the tagline Because I hate the word ‘recovering’.  I chose the two for a couple of reasons.  One, because my ED, if I even still have one, had dwindled over the years to the point where it didn’t technically fit any clinical definition.  But I couldn’t deny that some undesired behaviors still remained, and being one who values authenticity and transparency (I despise the notion of deluding oneself, especially with semantics), I wanted some way to acknowledge these behaviors, since much of my posts would be focused around dealing with eating issues.  As for the tagline….. I still find the word “recovering” a bit odd.  To me, life entails many struggles and behaviors — not just food or weight-related — that we aren’t happy with, yet we don’t call our growth or improvement from these things “recovery” or “recovering.”  Why should eating behaviors be any different?  To me, it all umbrellas under the process of learning, healing, seeking, maturing, etc. that defines the human experience.

But right or wrong, there aren’t a whole lot of alternative words to indicate that a behavior has either ended or there’s at least an effort underway to stop it (or manage it or minimize it or <insert comparable verbs here>.

So… “Recovering” it is.  I’m now the “Recovering Part-time Bulimic.”  Truthfully, the more accurate title would be “FORMER Part-time Bulimic,” but right or wrong, I feel like I’d be naively testing the fates if I were to make such a bold declaration.  Let’s hope the word “former” continues to apply even if it never officially becomes part of my title!

As for the “Working on it!”…..that’s because I am.  And more over, I’m experiencing success at it.  I don’t want to imply that I’m somehow “settling” into my ways and not making an effort to rout out behaviors that are either destructive or useless or just plain outdated.

On the other hand, I stand by my appraisal that I will always be “different” in my approach to eating, exercise and lifestyle.  I can’t say what all contributes to this reality.  I actually don’t think this is ED-related; or if it is, the ED history is simply part of what factors in here.  I suspect that it’s a composite of my personality type, my upbringing and life experiences, my genetics, my goals and priorities in life, environmental factors, and of course, certain habits and preferences (either deep-seated or evolutional).  But maybe it’s only some of these things, maybe it’s something else.

But I’m reaching the point in which I really don’t care WHAT causes me to be different.  All I know is I am, and that’s okay.  The good news is, I don’t need to know what fuels the way I am.  I know my frailties, I know my strengths, and I know how to manage both.  I accept that there will need to be deliberate efforts on my part to keep myself where I wish to be, both in terms of my health and in terms of my life goals and values.

And I know that the process of healing and recovery is ongoing.  I acknowledge that there’s always work to be done, no matter how much progress you make.  But whereas at one time I felt frustrated at this — just when you think you’re about to reach the summit, surprise! there’s another stretch of uphill trail that you couldn’t see from further below, I now embrace it.  To be “working on it” is to be alive.  I’m learning to enjoy the view as every climb is its own summit!

So there you go!  Now you know what prompted this CHANGE (forgive the all caps, I’m still reveling in my learning to embrace it).

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Craving management: Like Maslow’s hierarchy

Well, I’m back from my break, at least briefly.  I’m not sure I’ll post again very frequently (if at all), if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t have much in the way of thought-provoking revelations or discoveries of the moment.  My ED seems to be in a state of semi-remission (I say “semi” mainly to avoid letting my guard down and becoming complacent) at the moment, so I’m just coasting along and enjoying what appears to be a new phase of my life.  Interesting, exciting, and a bit scary all at the same time!

However, I do want to post a conclusion I’m increasingly drawing on the subject of cravings, dealing with hunger, appetite, eating management, etc.  I’ll explain how and why I’ve come to this conclusion.

Due to my ED quieting down, I’ve been interacting more with people with no apparent history of eating issues, from all sorts of walks of life.  Mainly though, those people whom I admire or with whom I have shared interests.  I’m doing this both just for personal enrichment, but also to further learn — understand where an ED “ends” and “normalcy” begins.  Sometimes this is a gray area that’s hard to pinpoint.

So that’s my “how.”  Now the “why”:

I suppose one reason I’m taking a break is, I don’t want to forever have to be so active in my analysis and debate regarding my emotions, my behavior, etc.  I’m realizing that there’s no such thing as “total” recovery, meaning, you’ll never fully extinguish cravings, you’ll never achieve a state of absolute contentment.  So to keep pursuing such a goal is frought with frustration, as no matter how well you’re doing, it’s never going to be “good enough” if that’s the lofty goal you’re holding yourself up to.  I think part of why I’ve become fidgety over the last couple of years is because I want to figure out where “normal” is.  At what point am I more or less “normal”?  Obviously, the answer can only be answered by me, but figuring that out is no easy task.  I suppose the answer has to come from a combination of observing “normal” in others who appear to be more or less where you want to be….and what you personally are willing to accept as your personal “normal.”

So why be so analytical?  Why the need to decide such a thing?  Simple.  I want to get to the point that I can let GO of the recovery process already.  If I honestly feel I’ve taken my recovery about as far as I can, I can relax and settle in where I’m at and free up my mind for other things.  I don’t have to wonder if there’s more around the corner if I only put in another six months of active effort.  I do think there’s a point in which any additional improvements will be negligible at best.  More over, they may very well happen anyway, even without “formal” effort, just by living my life based on the values and principles I’ve established over the course of my recovery.  In other words, at some point I have to let go of micro-managing my recovery, and instead just let those ongoing, if smaller, changes continue to occur in their natural timing.

Okay, so here’s what I’m concluding.  In the whole scheme of eating — cravings, hunger, appetite, deprivation, etc., and life — emotions, personality inclinations, etc., there are “layers” of these elements that aren’t unlike Maslow’s hierarchy.  There’s the first layer, which I’ll call the “biological creature” layer.  Just the basic facts of being a living thing:  metabolism, eating, energy production and consumption, etc.  The next layer up will be the “genetics” layer.  Next is the “human experience” layer.  Up from that might be “issues and specific personality challenges” layer.  Above that might be the “eating disorders” layer.

What’s my point here?  That no matter how much you heal, grow, mature, resolve issues, change bad habits, develop healthy outlets, learn new coping skills, strategize your meals and nutrition, exercise wisely, attend to your health, learn to live with your emotions, etc…… you will STILL have a certain amount of cravings, appetite, hunger, emotional challenges, etc.  There is no fully getting rid of these things, because they’re driven largely by certain realities of biology, genetics, and simply the “normal” human experience.  You can do your best to attend to those things you can change, and clearly help yourself deal with those elements you can’t change, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to grit your teeth through times of uncomfortable hunger, cravings that just won’t die, irrational emotions and crankiness when you have no reason to be anything but ecstatic and grateful.

And here’s the thing:  the above things are OKAY!!!  There was a time when I’d experience some major breakthrough, or put to practice a great strategy of “alternate actitivites” (i.e. when a craving hits, do something to occupy yourself that doesn’t involve food), or develop hobbies or form great friendships that helped keep my mind happy and busy, boosted my self-esteem and  elevated my overall life contendedness, or had an “ah-hah!” about the origins of my behavior……and I guess deep down I kept hoping that somehow these things would help “magically” cut my cravings, or reduce my desire to make inappropriate eating choices.  I was WAITING for it all to at least become a little bit EASIER.

But here’s the truth, at least per my experience.  All of those things are great, but they don’t take away the cravings.  They don’t remove the urge to eat outside of my planned meal strategy for that day.  They don’t make keeping my weight where I like it any easier.  BUT….what they do is help me solidify my resolve, keep my confidence and sense of self-trust high, keep me motivated to confront these difficult challenges and STILL make the right choice, even if every cell of my being is momentarily screaming for a bag of cookies.

In other words, sometimes you’re going to have to white-knuckle it.  If you want both the emotional healing AND a body that’s fit and trim, you still have to deal with those challenges that are simply a normal reality of biology, genetics, and the human experience.  Just as our lungs always have a reserve of air in them, so too do we have a “reserve” of challenges that won’t go away completely, not for as long as we’re alive.

Ironically, it’s actually very freeing to arrive at this conclusion.  I don’t have to wonder if the existence of these things somehow points to the ED, or suggests I need to do “more work” in order to try to extinguish them.  I simply need to accept these realities, make my peace with them, and then flex that mental muscle every time I confront one of these challenges.  It may never get easier, but like everything, with repetition and time, I can get used to it.

I can live with that!  

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Lightbulb moment! I use my dinner to “decompress”!

This month has produced so many interesting realizations.  Initially I simply made it my goal that if I were to binge, I would limit myself to only the foods already in the house.  In other words, no special trips to the store, no purchases of normally “forbidden” options.  Doing this, I speculated, would remove some of the allure, knowing that all I’d be eating are those foods that are already part of my meal plan.  And indeed, it’s amazing how this helped diffuse the urges.  They’re still there, but for sure this helped calm down my eating.

Then I issued a challenge to myself, to pursue 90 days of “abstinence,” abstinence being, a break from bingeing altogether.  I felt I’d reached the point in which I was ready to tackle this, though I also knew that putting it out there would be risky.  90 days is a long time, and more over, the definition of “abstinence” can be massaged tremendously.  Nothing drives me crazier than when a person sets out to accomplish a goal, falls short of it, and rather than own up to it and maybe speculate on what went wrong or maybe whtether the goal was too ambitious or mismatched, they simply skirt the issue, give some general, “Well, at least I didn’t GAIN additional weight” or whatever.  Hey, the idea is to set goals and make an honest effort — and be honest with yourself, not to let things peeter out and avoid confronting the fizzle.  This is something I WON’T do on this blog.  What you read is what is happening.  You won’t see me back down or side step what has actually happened.  What’s the point?  Self-deception and denial are the fuel that keeps us in our current situations.  If you want to change you have to face both the triumphs and the discomforts of tripping.

Anyway, I have a whole lot to say with regard to those two challenges I’d issued myself.  Lots of progress, some stumbles, some imperfections.  But this has been a very different month from December, or really any period of time over the last several years.  It’s scary at times, because I’m not totally sure I like where this is taking me, but it’s also encouraging at times, as it certainly can suggest the opposite:  that I’ve stepped up to a new platform in my growth from my eating disorder.

In any event, the change of eating and restrictions in terms of binge behavior has led to a number of insights and realizations.  Last night (really, this morning) was one of them. 

I have to admit, a large factor in my eating choices has to do with calorie density.  What I mean is, I tend to try to choose foods that I enjoy, but that also provide the biggest “bang” (volume, for example) for the calorie “buck”.  Fruit, vegetables, popcorn, nonfat yogurt, sorbet, fish, fat-free cottage cheese, sugar-free jam, rice cakes, oatmeal.  You get the idea.  Don’t get me wrong, I also include olive oil (love to cook), dried fruit, sunflower seeds, rice (neither very low nor very high in calories), peanut butter, etc.  But by and large, I gravitate towards foods that both fill me up and take a long time to eat, while providing the minimum calories for that amount.  Among the foods I don’t tend to eat:  bread, butter, dry cereal, most meats (just don’t care for), potatoes, pasta, desserts, sugar, chips, crackers, cheese….you get the idea.  I also tend to shy away from certain fruits that, while tasty, are easy to overeat and are rather high in calories.  Grapes, for example, as much as I love them.  Bananas are about a 50/50; I’ll go through phases where I’m eating them constantly, then not at all.

Anyway, I know these aren’t exactly well-kept diet secrets.  I’m sure many people do this as it makes perfect sense.  Why not choose Food A over Food B if Food A is just as enjoyable as Food B, only with Food A you can eat more for the same calories?  Common sense.

But I discovered something REALLY interesting last night!

I had a good day yesterday overall.  Work went very well.  However, given my nature, I tend to get “wound up” by the end of the evening.  I work a job that demands long hours, usually quite late.  And as much as I adore my job, what ends up happening is I get so excited and jubilant as I work, by the end of my day I’m literally ready to run a 5K.  I can’t even listen to music en route home, settling instead for talk radio that I don’t even care for, just because I need to hear someone talking; I’m too wound up to concentrate/”relax” enough to listen to music, even though I normally LOVE listening to music.  This I’ve known about myself for many years.

And I’ve also known that part of the force that drives my binges is this very trait; I get wound up and it predisposes me to make impulsive, bad choices with my eating.  I can have my normal plan in place for the whole day, only to have some weird metamorphosis occur within those final two hours of the evening, leading to my making (almost always foolish) last-minute changes that almost always leads to disaster.

Knowing this about myself, I’d made some recent (as in, within the last 4 months or so) attempts to mitigate this effect.  Since I can’t seem to change the way I go about my work, my thought was, maybe there’s some intervening activity I can perform between driving home from work and arriving home for dinner.  Because once I’m home, it’s like this ticker clock goes off, and I can’t make my dinner fast enough.  So for a little while there, I was stopping off at the gym, not to exercise so much as to do other things:  sauna, sit in the Jacuzzi, stretch, sip some tea at the cafe, get a manicure, etc.  Just *something* to help diffuse my hyperactivity.  And lo and behold, it definitely helped.  I not only did better with my eating, I also loved these indulgences, began to look forward to them.

Admittedly, as the holidays approached I began to stop doing this.  Why?  Not sure, actually.  Without a doubt, it’s a bit exhausting.  My days are long and this additional activity demands its own extra effort.  At this time of the year especially (cold, snow, ice), it becomes more of a hassle.

Okay, so last night I had a good evening at work, but a few (normal) stresses as well.   I was doing okay with my eating this week — some issues, some of them scary, but overall well.  I had no reason to believe last night would be anything but a success in terms of my sticking to the meal plan.

So I got home, cooked my dinner, which was delicious.  Healthy, warm, nourishing.  I emerged very happy and content.

But then…. I kept going.  Oddly enough, I literally almost exactly repeated my day’s food.  In other words, nothing exotic, no treats, I had almost exactly the same foods I’d eaten on my meal plan yesterday.  Definitely well in excess of what my body needs (great….back to “damage conrol” mode), but not a single “woo hoo I’m eating this!” forbidden pleasure-type foods.  Vegetables.  Soup.  An Asian apple-pear.  Sugar-free dietetic mousse from a mix.  No out-of-control portions, though by the time I stopped it was definitely enough to cause a great deal of stomach distress.  I went to bad extremely angry at myself.  What the HELL?

It wasn’t until this morning that I realize what I do.

I use my dinner to decompress.

And last night….. I had more stress to “vent” than normal.  And guess what.  My dinner didn’t “last” long enough for the full decompression to take place.  Because it was weird, the impulse to eat more came out of nowhere.  It was as though I felt a certain let-down upon finishing my dinner, like, “But I’m not READY to be done with this yet!”  I didn’t feel hungry per se, just wanted to keep eating.  But I didn’t want to undo the progress I’d made this month or gain weight (well…at least not gain so much weight that I couldn’t get back on track quickly), so I fastidiously avoided any foods that would constitute my “treat” foods.  By keeping my foods within my “normal” options I avoided initiating that “what the hell, I’ve already eaten this, may as well go for the things I’ve been craving!” switch.  But still, I ate.  And well in excess of what I needed.  But I had no problem stopping long before I might normally have stopped with my “regular” binges.  So something was definitely different here.

And that’s when I realized this this morning.  I had more on my mind last night.  More “stuff” to release.  The safety valve was my dinner, only the safety valve was not opened for long enough to fully release the pressure that had built.  I had to re-open the valve and keep it open until all pressure had released.  I could then stop and relax, albeit now with a whole new stress in its place.

So here I sit, with a bloated stomach and this realization.  Which means I have to do something about this.

Clearly, I have to figure out how to release that steam, that built-up energy (which by the way is often positive, which makes it even worse as I feel like I’m truly abusing food for NO good reason!) in some other way.  Yes, I’ve become good at sitting with my emotions and not letting them sway me the way they used to.  And yes, I’m valuing my body and my sense of worth more than ever, which is one reason I made these challenges for myself this month.  But I don’t think any amount of recovery from the ED will negate the fact that I’m inclined to work myself up when I’m at work (or anything — I get excited and happy and sad and intensely passionate in so much of what I do).  I need some additional strategy to take that edge off of the pressure, so that dinner becomes the tail end of that unwinding process.

What to do?  Not sure yet.  I could resume my hit-the-gym-after-work routine, but I also need something I can do at home.  Last night, for example, would have been out of the question for that strategy as the temperatures dropped below zero, with windchills even worse.  I need to keep it practical and accessible enough that I’ll readily be able to follow through with it.

Got some brainstorming to do!

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“Old” emotions, trigger analysis

No real triggers lately as I’m continuing to do okay with my 90 day challenge.  And I’m always leary about talking about triggers, not so much because I don’t think they exist or that I’m embarrassed about my own personal triggers.  Rather, it’s realizing that at some point, trying to pinpoint exactly what led to a binge or other eating episode is a pointless exercise.  At the end of the day, it really doesn’t *matter* what triggered it, one, because it’s impossible to definitively put your finger on it like that.  Do you REALLY know that you were triggered by incident or emotion x, y or z?  Or were you more triggered by simply smelling a fresh-baked cookie and feeling annoyed that to eat it would be outside of your body’s needs that day?  It’s impossible to pinpoint the answer (most of the time — sometimes it’s very obvious), because it’s probably not one factor alone.  But the other reason for the futility of figuring out the trigger is because triggers will happen each and every day.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  You can’t eliminate them, so what’s the point of zeroing in on them?  The problem isn’t the trigger; the problem is your reaction to it.  The more constructive approach, to me, is to focus more on your coping skills and learning to sit with your emotions, so that regardless of what happens on a given day, you won’t let it sway what you set out to do/behave.

That said, I’m realizing more and more how old emotions can be a trigger.  Heck, never mind trigger, just realizing that emotions I feel may in fact be “old” is an interesting revelation.  I wonder if it’s partly because these are the emotions I ignored/stifled when bingeing?  Do they remain somewhere in there and come up at a later point?  Could be.  Or it could just be that something reminded me of a past event/emotion, prompting me to re-experience it.  Doesn’t matter to me.  What matters is that I can see it and recognize it.  At least I know that I don’t need to act on or work with it in any way.  Just ride it out and let it pass, like a rogue rainshower.  The Weather Channel didn’t predict it, but come mid-afternoon, a few fluffy clouds converged and a spontaneous rainstorm followed.  Short-lived, harmless.

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Learnings from this last week

This is when my posts turn boring, as there’s not a whole lot to report other than my week has gone well.  I hit a couple of rough patches in the form of some foods that probably don’t belong in my food plan anymore, so I’m eliminating them for now (certain cheeses being among them).  But nothing even remotely reminiscent of disordered behavior.  It’s actually a relief to have the junk out of my radar; I genuinely enjoy eating fruit and steamed vegetables and whole grains and was able to get back to preparing recipes with these ingredients.  More over, releasing certain foods as even an option seems to have had the effect of freeing up my mind even further, allowing me to focus more on work and other areas of interest.  It’s a subtle shift as I already had most of my eating disorder behind me — the few remnant leftover behaviors being more physical distractions than emotional ones, but it’s definitely noticeable.  And it feels so WONDERFUL to be taking better care of my health.  If there’s any one thing that I’ve learned (more reinforced as I already knew) over the last couple of months, it’s that I do love my body, and that it pains me deeply when I harm it.  Probably my greatest motivator to finish flushing out these last few (but significant) behaviors is the desire to take good care of myself and my body.  It’s a desire that’s come over me especially over the last six months and it’s (thankfully) something I can’t turn off.  But of course, nothing is instantaneous; where there’s bad habit, mere desire alone doesn’t typically translate to instant change.  It’s a process and I’m convinced I’m in the next phase of that process.  I don’t think I’ve ever been here before — “here” being in a state where I’m consistently in a state of contentment with my body AND I’m following a specific healthy food plan AND I’m processing and sitting with my emotions so as not to turn to eating as an outlet for them.  I feel as though I’m experiencing the best of all worlds here, and it’s a great feeling, indeed!

But I’m aware that I’m not out of the woods yet.  No room for complacency, I have to stay focused and greet this next week with the goal to keep the growth and improvement going.

If I have one challenge that’s still working its way out, it’s trying to figure out how to strike the balance between “allowing myself to eat what I have a taste for” vs. “eating what I know is healthy for me.”  These aren’t always one of the same, and making the decision can be daunting.  If I want to include a bowl of low-fat ice cream with dinner, no problem, this isn’t an uncommon treat I allow on my food plan.  On the other hand, if I know I’ve been fighting a cold lately and would definitely do better allocating those calories for a healthier option — an orange and some almonds, for example, what to do?  I have been at this long enough to know that choosing the orange and almonds, while arguably the better choice in terms of nourishment, can backfire as I don’t feel as satisfied as I’d like with my dinner, which can lead to a return to the kitchen an hour later.  But obviously, choosing the ice cream is choosing basically something with no nutritional value.  As a mature adult, surely there comes a point in which you have to learn to override that “inner child craving” and do what is best for your long-term health.  At least…..that’s my goal, to reach the point that I’m more at peace with that decision process.  I’m doing much better, but it’s definitely still a situation-by-situation decision process.  I wonder if it ever becomes automatic rather than so cognitive?

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Early progress report on the 90: Off to a good start

I wanted to quick post that I’d actually made this decision (read the post) yesterday.  And I’m off to a good start (though the real test is yet to come), but what I wanted to mention an interesting phenomenon I’m noticing even now, at this early stage.

I have often used sporting events as my sources of reinforcement, that overriding task that demands that my eating remain clean and solid and binge-free.  And indeed, the minute I have, my choice of foods and how to structure my day becomes almost astoundingly clear.  When you know there’s no “cheating” you know precisely what to do to ensure you’ll remain well-fed, well-nourished, and satisfied enough to resist cravings.

Having made this 90-day challenge for myself, I’m finding the exact same thing happening.  Suddenly it’s clear what to do, what not to do, foods to eat, foods not to eat.  A positive sign, no question, but interesting too that it should happen so swiftly!  Let’s hope it sticks.

All uptalk aside, I do know I face a challenge ahead.  I will have to endure discomfort just like I do when I push myself to exercise.  We’ll see what happens!

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Going out on a limb here: My 90-day challenge

Every now and then, I’ve had to shake up my routine and/or my approach to continuing to move forward with better eating and related behaviors.  Over the years, a number of measures have helped tremendously, but the only thing they really share in common is that they came from something deep within, a momentary light bulb idea that, had I tried to impose it on myself at any other time, probably wouldn’t have worked.  That’s one of the tough things about managing/overcoming a bad habit:  There’s no formula or step-by-step set of procedures, no linear “plan” of first you do this, then you do this.  As often as I have been helped by my diligent logs and journals over the years, I know how often I have fallen into that trap of trying to look up what I was doing during a particular era in which I was experiencing good success, hoping to glean some insight as to what I could be doing now to get back to “that point.”

And while there definitely are measures that consistently work well for me no matter what year it is or what I’m currently experiencing….there are plenty of actions that become outdated; they run their course and may never be of use to me again.  Or they fade, I stray away, but they resurface later, at another time.  The lack of clear-cut answers and definitive “methods” can be daunting to an analytical mind like mine!

With that in mind, I’m feeling the light of inspiration for one of those probably-short-term-but-effective strategies for myself.  I hesitate to blog it because it’s quite the tall order.  Nothing annoys me more than when someone vows to do something….then a day later that “something” falls off the radar, or they abandon it.  What was the point of making such a declaration if you’re going to be so wishy-washy?  So for me to reach the point where I’m recording this, means I’ve given it a lot of thought and have a sense of readiness about myself.

I have basically always exercised.  At one time in my life, I exercised probably 4-5 days/week on average.  I’d exercise a few days, take a day off, another few days, take a day off.  Sometimes two days off.  At some point, I realized I felt better, functioned better, improved my health and happiness, if I aimed to exercise every day.  It took a while for that to fully happen — about a year of 6 days a week — but these days, with very little exception, I exercise every day.  Some days are lighter, some heavier, but the goal is every day, even when I’m slightly under the weather, even when I’m tired or cranky or just don’t want to.  My current streak is over six months long.

I’m looking at this as a model for my next eating phase.  I’m making it my goal to be abstinent for the next 90 days.  I’m borrowing that term from OA (I’m not personally a fan of that program but I certainly acknowledge it has helped many — and like everything, it has those points I agree with and disagree with), because it describes my goal most accurately.  In this case, my aim is to to 90 days without bingeing.

I feel ready for this because I honestly feel I’m down to the “bad habit” stage of my eating disorder.  As my dear husband often observes, I’m 97.9% there, save for this pesky remnant behavior I just haven’t yet kicked.  But I think it’s been weakened to the point that I have a real shot at this.  I do it with my exercise, why not with my eating as well?

Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.  How will I feel?  Happy?  Relieved?  The Same?  Cranky?  Irritable?  Excited?  I promise I will blog what happens.  The whole truth.

If by chance YOU feel ready to take on a similar challenge, well certainly, you’re welcome to join me!  I know I’m not the only one at this stage of my eating behavior.  Or if you’re not interested or ready, sit back and see what happens.  Either way, it’s bound to be an interesting three months!

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