Creating drama where there is none: Is that part of the addictive personality?

I know I’m not the first to report feeling a bit uneasy — fidgety — when things are going well.  There’s that sense of, well, what do I do with myself now?  Without a fire to put out, I can certainly funnel my energies into more constructive endeavors, but they don’t always have the same “pull” or urgency that, say, a terrible food hangover commands.  It’s sort of like when I have a big project, goal, or major event for which I’m working very hard.  There’s often a more clear-cut course of action that keeps me busy, allows me to get into that wonderful zone.  And when it’s over — when the curtain falls, as it were, I’m always left with a couple of days (at least) of a low-level depression, a sense of discombobulation, even a feeling of loss — even (or maybe especially?) if the event or goal was reached with great joy and excitement.  I feel temporarily adrift without a rudder or a sense of where I’m supposed to be going, and it’s often accompanied with a tinge of loneliness.

I think our news, and dare I say, our culture’s fixation on drama and the negative, further fuels this, even if the inclination is inside me already.  You can’t visit a news site without getting hit by headlines informing us of so-and-so’s marriage breaking up, so-and-so getting arrested for drunk driving, so-and-so being sent to rehab for the fifth time, etc.  Yet the majority of even the worst down-and-out situations no doubt have periods in between of recovery, turning their life around, making changes that are constructive to their happiness and that of their loved ones.  But of course, that’s boring.  Who really wants to read, “Three years later and so-and-so is still happily following her new way of eating, with just a 10-lb. weight adjustment”?

My point being, I’m finding myself in a strange place at the moment.  My recovery is going splendidly — I’m not afraid to write that anymore (I used to wonder if doing so would jinx it).  Sure, I still have my challenges; I think that’ll be the name of the game for the rest of my life.  But the change I have experienced over the last year and a half, but especially the last 3 or so months, is stunning.  It makes me wonder how I would feel if I had the chance to “visit” my headset of, say, even this past February or March.  Would I even recognize the thought process anymore?  I have optimism for the future, and yet a solid sense of being in the present, which keeps me from projecting and getting overwhelmed.  “Just take the next indicated action” and “Play the tape all the way through to the end” have been my two constant guides in my daily life, and the relief and progress this has brought has been astounding.

Nevertheless, there’s that uneasyness.  How do I recognize complacency?  When things are going well, it can be difficult to stay as vigilant, which means I must renew my commitment to my program even more vigorously.  At the same time, however, like all good habits, doesn’t there come a point in which at least SOME of that intensity can be released a bit?  I’m trying to strike that balance — the balance between keeping those activities in place that foster honesty and the actions that have given me the recovery I’m currently enjoying….and allowing myself to release some of the measures that I may not need as vigorously, so that I can now turn my attention toward greater life goals, such as growing my business and traveling more.

I think, more than anything, I’m slowly realizing and accepting that I don’t need drama, that life does not need to “wow” me on a constant basis.  So I don’t need to create drama in order to give myself a project.  I will continue to find enjoyment and satisfaction with the middle ground.  The middle ground, I’m learning, is NOT mediocrity, as I had feared.  On the contrary, there is a great deal of opportunity to take great pride and put out my best effort in everything I do.  It just so happens that what I’m doing is less dramatic, yet slowly but surely it brings amazing gifts to my life and to that of others.

So the lesson of the moment is….I can give up certain obvious behaviors and experience some important relief.  But the more gradual, almost intangible changes that are equally important are those slow, internal shifts in thinking.

Bottom line:  Enjoy the lack of drama when I’m lucky enough to be in such a state.  And yet as I transition into a more “sustaining the changes” phase (vs. “making the changes” phase), I need to be watchful for signs that I’m romanticizing the thought of having a fire to put out.  My mind can be rudderless sometimes, that’s okay, the feeling will pass if I just breathe through it.  The next indicated action — my next (more constructive) project will surface soon enough, when my HP wants to present it to me.

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The Mighty Pull of the Habitual Comfort Zone

I’ve been having quite a nice summer (notice I’m not putting that in the past tense, because I’m in DENIAL that the warm weather season is coming to an end!), some ups and downs but overall I feel good about my ongoing growth.  I hate to frame this in terms of weight — life is so much more than just that, but given the theme of this blog, I will go ahead and report that my weight has been generally “steady” to “good,” meaning I’ve been probably 1-3 pounds above where I like my weight during the course of the season.  One wonders what psychological mechanism (and it has to be that) keeps me from crossing that invisible barrier (my working theory is that the brain likes the path of least resistence, and as long as it sees me within a stone’s throw distance from my “fighting weight,” it decides it’s safe and okay to allow me some leeway that day), but I hope that barrier is finally crossed again soon.

Which brings me to today’s topic.  There came a point this summer in which I had one of my infamous “house cleanings,” lifestyle-wise.  I need these every now and then; I reach a point in which I’ve become stagnant in certain choices of foods, of articles I read, of things I listen to, etc., and must abruptly switch gears because all these things seem to be doing is reinforcing my struggle.  So I strip them away and go back to some reliable basics, and almost inevitably see myself returning to “myself.”  And right or wrong, one of the ways I monitor this progress back to “myself” is via my naked body checks.  You know what I mean.  First thing in the morning, give the careful once over, up and down, assess leanness, shape, muscles, etc.  Yes the scale is sometimes used, but by now I know about where those numbers probably are based on certain visual criteria, so the intense body scruitiny remains my measurement device of choice.

So with some of these changes came the results I was hoping for, and I must admit a relief upon seeing them!  I think I’ve said this before, but the way I describe how I feel/behave when my weight is in place is, I can relax and get my mind onto other things.  Ironically, as much as this morning “assessment ritual” seems counterintuitive to obsession-free conduct, that’s in fact exactly what happens; if my body meets my hopes and expectations upon that first checkpoint, I can let go and NOT think about it for the rest of the day.  If, on the other hand, I awaken with a bloated stomach or a body that clearly reflects some recent “exceeding my caloric needs” days….my clothes don’t fit the same and I feel as though I’m already entering the day compromised, like no matter what I do or how well I perform work-wise, it can’t add up to 100%.  It may seem a harsh way to operate but it’s how I stay on top of myself (sad to say, the call of junk food is still quite loud at times, even as I know I don’t even like some of those things anymore).

OK, so I shook things up, made some changes, and got back to a place that I feel good about this summer.  Only problem:  This was shortly followed by 1) an extended business trip, 2) a personal vacation with my husband, 3) a temporary change in my work schedule, 4) some social events with people who matter very much to me.  These occurrences, while positive — every one of them, would have been challenging enough (on the eating habits) under any circumstances, but making matters harder, they all fell very shortly after I’d initiated my latest lifestyle changes, before (apparently) they’d had the chance to displace the old habits and become my new “default” setting.  So predictably, once I emerged from all the turmoil entailed from working with each of these events……I found myself stepping back not to the more positive habits I had planted shortly before, but the old habits I had successfully shed.  Worse, it took a little while to realize this had happened!

So let this be a lesson to all of us:  beware the comfort zone you build for yourself, for in times of discombobulation (even the good kind), this is what you’re likely to turn back to.  I am now working to rebuild my “new and improved” habits from before all of the above took place, and I’m afraid I don’t have a crystal-clear memory of my state of mind from then; I’m having, essentially, to start from scratch and reset my mindset all over again.   I appear to be succeeding, but it’s slow.  My main goal now is to keep building these new habits, and to do so over a long enough period so as to make this mode of action the “norm,” lest I find myself thrown out of my routine and in need of returning to the familiar.  Let’s hope “this” is what becomes “familiar”!

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Chronically “better” but not “there yet”

It’s occurred to me how many times I use the word “better” when describing where I am now vs. where I was yesterday, last week, last year, four years ago, etc.  It gets to a point in which the word almost loses any meaning or significance.  Better by what measure?  Because being the complex creature that I am, it’s a certainty that for every improvement or stride I have made in my happiness, my behavior, the quality of my life…..I can probably pick out examples in which I’ve backslid.  So I suppose my use of the word “better” presumes that the “net” movement is forward, even in the presence of those regressions.

I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about this if not for the fact that a couple of years ago, it was brought to my attention by my husband, who at the time expressed weariness (and wariness) at my overuse of it.  “Great, you’re better, but when are going to make that final leap to your goal?”  That’s a paraphrase but that was the essence of his complaint.  And truth be told, he’s right, in the sense that, if I do have a concrete goal but keep falling short of doing what is needed to achieve it…..”better” becomes a safety net, a sort of consolation with which to comfort myself.  “Well…sure, I may not be at my goal YET….but at least I’m better than I was before.”  That’s one of those tools that can be very useful and harmful, depending on how you apply it.

So I’ve been sensitive, irritated even, at my perpetual use of “better” in describing where I’m at.  At the very least, I’ve tried to watch for signs of abusing the term, or using it as a chance to bail out of the hard work I know I need to do, and rest a little too comfortably in my laurels.

But that process has given rise to a new realization:  Really, isn’t the word “better” the ultimate summary of the flow of a life well lived?  Do any of us truly reach that final destination, that place in which we have “arrived” and can now just kick back and coast the rest of the way?  I don’t believe so, and more importantly, I sure hope not.  To me, a life worth living, by definition, is one that entails constant growth, constant striving to do more, explore new horizons, embark on new adventures, master new skills.  Yes, it’s good to hit those goals at least some of the time, and to bask in the satisfaction of that.  But there’s so much to be said for the struggle and effort to get there, regardless of whether you reach them or not (especially since we aren’t really in control of that final outcome, anyway).  As the saying goes, if you’re not going forward, you’re going backward, and that definitely rings true for me.

So…..I guess I’d better (ha HA! another use of the word!) get used to the presence of “better” in my life, and be happy and grateful it applies so much so as to cause such musings about it!

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