Rant: Nosy clerks when buying “cheat” foods at the grocery store!!!!

OK, time for some levity.  I have a bone to pick, and it involves nosy clerks at the grocery store.  I suppose this one can be filed under the same category as the embarrassment one might feel (though oddly enough I generally don’t) to have to get tampons rung up by a male cashier, or (gasp!) if you’re a MAN having to buy your sweetie her feminine protection supplies.

Sad but true, there have been those times — more times than I care to remember, when this hungry dieter has decided that she didn’t want another dinner of fat-free Boca Burgers and bag-o-steamed veggies, she wanted cake (dammit).  Or cookies.  Or brownies.  Or some really good, soft, chewy bagels with honey nut flavored cream cheese.  Granted, lately I’ve been working on turning to less damaging choices — foods that may or may not be part of my diet, but at least aren’t so calorie-packed so as to necessitate numerous days of extreme “fitness atonement” to undo the aftermath.  But this rant is about those instances in which I’ve caved in to the “to heck with 100-calorie packs and fat-free this or that, I want the REAL stuff” urge, and set out to the grocery store, where their bakery section is head-spinning; “over the top” doesn’t even begin to describe it.  So insane is the selection there, it makes me wonder if this is part of the reason it’s so tough to give up such foods.  If the local grocer had only a “meh” selection of baked goods, would I find myself so enticed?  I don’t believe so.  I think of the grocery store, for example, near our vacation home.  They have nowhere NEAR the fantasy creations we have in our home town (I never even CONCEIVED of a peanut butter turtle fudge brownie cream pie until it made its appearance in their refrigerator case!), only the rather run-of-the-mill apple pies, chocolate chip cookies, and blueberry muffins you’ll find just about anywhere.  And not once do I feel tempted to explore those offerings when staying at that house (and it’s not like I never strayed from my normal eating while there).

Anyway, getting back to my story.  I’m sure some of you can relate to this even if you don’t have an eating disorder.  There are times in which you’re buying or ordering or eating decadent food, when you just don’t want to have lots of attention drawn to you.  I’m better than I used to be, but there’s still a fair amount of sensitivity in me regarding people watching/commenting on my eating.  Which means there’s always some anxiety (guilt?) involved when I have decided to do a big-time cheat on cake with massive twirls of whipped cream frosting, or those frisbee-sized chocolate-macademia chip cookies, or some other eye-poppingly rich treat.  This makes for a strange dichotomy of emotions as I stroll the aisles of the store; on one hand, I find myself feeling a certain relief, partly due to the mouth-watering anticipation of the treat ahead.  At the same time, I’m feeling dread, mostly for the likely upset stomach that will follow, but also even for when I have to get rung up at the register.  Why?  Because inevitably, the cashier will say something about it.  “Wow!!!  This looks tasty!” or “Heh, heh, this sure doesn’t look low-calorie!” usually followed by, “What’s the occasion?”  Maybe this doesn’t seem so bad, but at that moment, when all I want to do is pay for my guilty pleasure and be on my way, the last thing I want is to have the spotlight cast on me and my wayward purchase.  But moreover, what I find rather annoying about this otherwise innocent exchange (and I’ve been in line often enough to confidently confirm this), is that the cashiers never seem to make such comments to anyone else.  And while I realize it’s not very PC of me to speculate on the following reason, considering that a majority of customers at the store I shop at are overweight, often significantly, I can’t help but wonder if the fact that my being thin has anything to do with it.  If you’re overweight you may have a hard time realizing this, but thin people do experience their own reverse discrimination.  People will readily make comments to us that they never would even *think* about saying to someone who is visibly overweight.  So I have to ask myself, would a cashier dare to say something about my selection of fattening bakery goods if I were fat?  My husband used to hear me rant about this, but assumed I was exaggerating at least a little bit.  That is, until he began to accompany me more often on these grocery store runs.  And sure enough, we watch customer after customer get rung up, often with the same kinds of items in their cart, and not a peep from the cashier.  But along comes our items on the belt and suddenly it’s open season to inquire.  God bless my husband, he’ll usually good-naturedly step in and say something like, “Yep, my favorite dessert.”  But I still think it’s silly that he even has to do this.  For pete’s sake, nothing I buy is new or unusual; you know these people see these items numerous times a day.  What’s up with this need to make a remark about something the cashier sees all of the time?

Probably the funniest of these exchanges was when my husband and I were returning home following a concert.  It was around 11pm on a Saturday night, and we still felt hyper, so decided to watch a DVD movie once home.  We also decided that, after a couple of weeks of clean eating, we both wanted a late night snack, and not just the usual light microwave popcorn.  We stopped at a different grocery store than usual (due to it being en route from the concert venue), but all they really had was a selection of birthday cakes — you know the kind:  round, with that icky-sweet buttercream frosting, and colored trim and either balloons or flowers on the top, with the words “Happy Birthday” scrolled on the top.  The kind we have all seen a million times.  Reluctantly, we picked one up, hoping it wouldn’t be dry or overly sugary.  We also grabbed a couple of other grocery items — we were out of fruit, needed some yogurt, etc.  Maybe 8 items altogether.  We made our way to the cashier, who rang us up while a another clerk bagged.  “Oh!  This looks good!” exclaimed the bagger as she lifted up the cake, turning it around as though inspecting it in detail.  I thought it odd, especially since she said it as though it was the first time she’s ever seen a birthday cake.  My husband and I chuckled in polite agreement.  But she continued.  “I’ll bet it tastes good.”  We continue to nod.  But she still wasn’t done.  “What are you buying it for?”  At the time, I had never been asked such a question by a cashier, no less about a basic birthday cake.  What the f***?  What does she think it’s for?  Before I could come up with an answer, my husband swept in with a ready reply:  “It’s my brother’s birthday” (the first of many times he would use that line).  Once in the car, we couldn’t help but shake our heads.  What are we buying it for????  Who asks this of a basic birthday cake?  Or any food item, for that matter?  For starters, what’s it to them?  Moreover, why do we owe them an answer?  Mind you, we both hate to be at all impolite or confrontational, so we’ll always humor the person and play along nonchalantly.  But I still find it annoying.  I’ll happily chat with the cashier about ANYTHING, but please, mind your own business and stop asking me about my grocery selections!  My husband joked that the next time I’m asked, a quick way to end any further probing would be for me to say, “I’m going to feast on this to my heart’s content when I get home, then spend the next three days exercising and eating carrots to work off the calories.  Why do you ask?”  But yeah right, like I’m going to say that.  But it would be interesting to see the reaction!

Rant over….Add this to the stockpile of reasons why I just as soon would like to do away with this behavior!

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I knew I was done with eating disorder message boards when… (+ bonus recipe)

Well, I knew for a while now.  As I’ve said in my “A little bit about this blog” page, I don’t fit the mold of the typical eating disorder, at least not based on the posters I encounter when surfing for message boards.  As much as I’m okay with tackling this thing (by and large) by myself, it would be nice to find people who are in my situation, my situation being that I keep my weight within “normal” ranges, I binge but don’t purge, I otherwise keep myself on a diet that works well for me, I am happy, with a successful career and no “smoking gun” in my history to speak of (i.e. never abused, no sexual abuse or rape, no major traumas, parents didn’t divorce, no addicts or alcoholics, etc. etc. etc.).  Honestly, I just think for the most part my situation can be summed up as, I’m an intense, Type A personality who has used the crutch of binge-eating (and subsequent recovery measures to minimize the damage to my body) as a stress-release valve for many years, so that by now it’s a firmly entrenched habit.  When I let certain aspects of my personality run amok, the bulimia flares up.  When I proactively manage my personality and take steps I know to be uniquely helpful to me, the behavior fades greatly.  But not being willing to completely let go of the security blanket of maintaining my fit body under my current program/approach, I realistically have assessed that I probably won’t be fully rid of all remnants of an eating disorder anytime soon.

 OK, so that’s where I’m at.  And finding others whose situations are similar is like finding a needle in a haystack.  I don’t know if perhaps there are many of you out there and it’s just not PC to talk about eating disorders this way, or if I’m in a category all by myself.  Either way, I’m having a harder and harder time extracting any points I can relate to on most message boards, and it’s irritating me.

But perhaps the final straw came the other day, as I lurked one of the few boards I have visited semi-regularly over the years.  The host website, which offers a number of different message boards covering different eating disorders and related topics (there’s one for bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating, etc.) recently added an advanced recovery message board, for those who have reached such a point in their progress.  Great!  Thinks I.  Perhaps this will offer something more than the “same old same old” posts I see popping up on the bulimia and compulsive overeating boards (I must admit, what I often see on these boards are people who spend way too much time analyzing themselves to death, without taking the steps to actually physically make changes in their behavior — the proverbial “sh** or get off the pot” dilemma).

And sure enough, there have been some interesting posts from women who are recovered to the point that you can detect their multi-dimensions.  It’s so good to see, as I hate the notion that your eating disorder (“ED”) is all that defines you.  I like to keep “ED” in its rightful place, which is to say well below the scope of my other interests.

 Anyway, I was excited to read a poster start a thread about their favorite foods.  One of the respondents said she bought some goat cheese, and roasted it with portobello mushrooms.  Some other mentions included a salad of salmon, mustard, and greens; good quality yogurt, and mangoes.  I found myself feeling happy at the celebration of good food, the pleasures of taking the time to prepare a flavorful meal — especially since these were neither the kinds of foods one would associate with common cravings or “over the top” decadence (i.e. sugar, butter, cream), but nor were they foods that immediately screamed “diet!” (fat-free cottage cheese, butter spray, egg whites, etc.).  Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those extremes, but the fact that people were talking about those foods that fall between the two…..made me smile.  Eating disorders are so often about seeking two different extremes and ignoring the vast world of delicious foods in the middle of all of that.  To see this exploration of that very “middle ground” was energizing, encouraging…..and gosh, it made me hungry — but in a good, happy way!

Well, it came to a crushing halt when the moderator came in and said that mention of specific foods was still specifically forbidden, so the only way she would keep the thread open is if people shifted to discussing their FEELINGS surrounding their favorite foods.  Otherwise the thread would have to be yanked.

OK.  I GET that there are people who are still in a very fragile state with their ED.  I’ve been there, I understand.  And indeed, this website is very protective of not allowing anything that could be triggering to individuals, to provide a safe place to discuss these issues.  I get that too.  But this is an ADVANCED RECOVERY message board.  Why create it if you’re not going to allow more latitude with people who are at a point where they can start integrating certain “normal, non-eating-disorder” behaviors and thoughts with their current recovery program?  If anything, it seems the perfect place to allow this.  After all, sooner or later we (“we” being people with ED’s) have to deal with the real, outside world; we have to navigate our day and learn how to weather the stresses and bumps and joyful moments and mean people and all that comes with life without turning to behaviors we wish to keep out of our lives.  What better way to prove that you’re making progress with this than to talk about happy, normal things with a group of others who are in the unique position to know exactly what you’re going through, because they’ve been through the same thing?  If there are people who worry about feeling triggered at such threads, well guess what, they’re not ready to participate in or read the advanced recovery board!  Are we not all adults who should ultimately be the ones to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and where we put ourselves?

Anyway, that’s when I knew I was done.  I’m sorry, I don’t want to live in a world where you can’t be dealing privately with your eating disorder and still happily talk about the joy of your favorite recipes, maybe exchange some so that others can share in your joy.  That’s NOT the way I wish to heal my bulimia!  Suppose I never am rid of it?  Suppose I put such things as talking about recipes on hold for all those years, when I could have instead at least enjoyed myself while still working on my private struggles?

So….in the spirit of working on my own path to healthy living without avoiding all potential “scary” triggers, I offer you The Best Winter Stew Recipe Ever!

The Best Winter Stew Recipe Ever

• 1-1/2 Tablespoons olive oil 
• 1 can pumpkin
• 1 14-oz. can chopped tomatoes
• 1 onion, halved and then coarsely sliced
• 1 small zucchini, chopped
• 1 small yellow squash, chopped
• 1 portobello mushroom, chopped 
• 2 cloves of fresh garlic, finely chopped
• 1-inch cube fresh ginger, chopped
• 1 cup vegetable broth (canned or a reconsituted bouillon cube)
• 1 cup dry pasta (I like to use pappardelle, just because)
• 1-2 ounces good quality parmesan cheese, freshly grated (don’t even think about buying the kind in a shaker!)
• About 4-6 fresh basil leaves, chopped
• Salt and pepper to taste

In a large soup pot, heat 1/2 Tablespoon of the olive oil, and saute the onion with a little salt until it begins to soften.  Add the mushrooms and some black pepper and cook for another minute or two.  Add the ginger and garlic, and keep stirring to avoid burning the garlic.  Add the zucchini and yellow squash and another 1/2 Tablespoon of olive oil, and cook until the zucchini starts to soften (I usually go about 5-6 minutes, but your miles may vary).  Add the pumpkin and the final 1/2 Tablespoon olive oil, and stir for a minute or two.  Add the tomatoes, the dry pasta, and the vegetable broth.  Mix well and bring to a boil over medium-high heat (stew will be thick, but add a little more water or broth if you find it needs to be thinned out a bit).  Once it boils, reduce to low/medium heat and cover, and simmer for around 10 minutes or until pasta is cooked.  Remove from heat, add the basil and the cheese and stir well.  Add additional salt and/or pepper if desired.

Makes 4 generous servings or 6 smaller portions

Enjoy!

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