Abstinence during the holidays: The best gift of all

I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas!  What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in.  Knock on wood, life has been good.

This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year:  Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year.  It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?”  I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries.  Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought?  We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them.  Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.”  What a miracle this is!

What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all!  I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly.  I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.

Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process.  I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life.  Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater!  But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways.  Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling.  Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.”  Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else.  If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought.  I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare.  My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it. 

Even so, I know better than to let my guard down.  If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program.  I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind:  “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”

I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time.  I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return.  I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful.  I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc.  The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits.  I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry.  I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body.  My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that. 

So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back.  When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point.  But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently.  There’s hope, hang in there!

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Chronically “better” but not “there yet”

It’s occurred to me how many times I use the word “better” when describing where I am now vs. where I was yesterday, last week, last year, four years ago, etc.  It gets to a point in which the word almost loses any meaning or significance.  Better by what measure?  Because being the complex creature that I am, it’s a certainty that for every improvement or stride I have made in my happiness, my behavior, the quality of my life…..I can probably pick out examples in which I’ve backslid.  So I suppose my use of the word “better” presumes that the “net” movement is forward, even in the presence of those regressions.

I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about this if not for the fact that a couple of years ago, it was brought to my attention by my husband, who at the time expressed weariness (and wariness) at my overuse of it.  “Great, you’re better, but when are going to make that final leap to your goal?”  That’s a paraphrase but that was the essence of his complaint.  And truth be told, he’s right, in the sense that, if I do have a concrete goal but keep falling short of doing what is needed to achieve it…..”better” becomes a safety net, a sort of consolation with which to comfort myself.  “Well…sure, I may not be at my goal YET….but at least I’m better than I was before.”  That’s one of those tools that can be very useful and harmful, depending on how you apply it.

So I’ve been sensitive, irritated even, at my perpetual use of “better” in describing where I’m at.  At the very least, I’ve tried to watch for signs of abusing the term, or using it as a chance to bail out of the hard work I know I need to do, and rest a little too comfortably in my laurels.

But that process has given rise to a new realization:  Really, isn’t the word “better” the ultimate summary of the flow of a life well lived?  Do any of us truly reach that final destination, that place in which we have “arrived” and can now just kick back and coast the rest of the way?  I don’t believe so, and more importantly, I sure hope not.  To me, a life worth living, by definition, is one that entails constant growth, constant striving to do more, explore new horizons, embark on new adventures, master new skills.  Yes, it’s good to hit those goals at least some of the time, and to bask in the satisfaction of that.  But there’s so much to be said for the struggle and effort to get there, regardless of whether you reach them or not (especially since we aren’t really in control of that final outcome, anyway).  As the saying goes, if you’re not going forward, you’re going backward, and that definitely rings true for me.

So…..I guess I’d better (ha HA! another use of the word!) get used to the presence of “better” in my life, and be happy and grateful it applies so much so as to cause such musings about it!

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Craving management: Like Maslow’s hierarchy

Well, I’m back from my break, at least briefly.  I’m not sure I’ll post again very frequently (if at all), if for no other reason than the fact that I don’t have much in the way of thought-provoking revelations or discoveries of the moment.  My ED seems to be in a state of semi-remission (I say “semi” mainly to avoid letting my guard down and becoming complacent) at the moment, so I’m just coasting along and enjoying what appears to be a new phase of my life.  Interesting, exciting, and a bit scary all at the same time!

However, I do want to post a conclusion I’m increasingly drawing on the subject of cravings, dealing with hunger, appetite, eating management, etc.  I’ll explain how and why I’ve come to this conclusion.

Due to my ED quieting down, I’ve been interacting more with people with no apparent history of eating issues, from all sorts of walks of life.  Mainly though, those people whom I admire or with whom I have shared interests.  I’m doing this both just for personal enrichment, but also to further learn — understand where an ED “ends” and “normalcy” begins.  Sometimes this is a gray area that’s hard to pinpoint.

So that’s my “how.”  Now the “why”:

I suppose one reason I’m taking a break is, I don’t want to forever have to be so active in my analysis and debate regarding my emotions, my behavior, etc.  I’m realizing that there’s no such thing as “total” recovery, meaning, you’ll never fully extinguish cravings, you’ll never achieve a state of absolute contentment.  So to keep pursuing such a goal is frought with frustration, as no matter how well you’re doing, it’s never going to be “good enough” if that’s the lofty goal you’re holding yourself up to.  I think part of why I’ve become fidgety over the last couple of years is because I want to figure out where “normal” is.  At what point am I more or less “normal”?  Obviously, the answer can only be answered by me, but figuring that out is no easy task.  I suppose the answer has to come from a combination of observing “normal” in others who appear to be more or less where you want to be….and what you personally are willing to accept as your personal “normal.”

So why be so analytical?  Why the need to decide such a thing?  Simple.  I want to get to the point that I can let GO of the recovery process already.  If I honestly feel I’ve taken my recovery about as far as I can, I can relax and settle in where I’m at and free up my mind for other things.  I don’t have to wonder if there’s more around the corner if I only put in another six months of active effort.  I do think there’s a point in which any additional improvements will be negligible at best.  More over, they may very well happen anyway, even without “formal” effort, just by living my life based on the values and principles I’ve established over the course of my recovery.  In other words, at some point I have to let go of micro-managing my recovery, and instead just let those ongoing, if smaller, changes continue to occur in their natural timing.

Okay, so here’s what I’m concluding.  In the whole scheme of eating — cravings, hunger, appetite, deprivation, etc., and life — emotions, personality inclinations, etc., there are “layers” of these elements that aren’t unlike Maslow’s hierarchy.  There’s the first layer, which I’ll call the “biological creature” layer.  Just the basic facts of being a living thing:  metabolism, eating, energy production and consumption, etc.  The next layer up will be the “genetics” layer.  Next is the “human experience” layer.  Up from that might be “issues and specific personality challenges” layer.  Above that might be the “eating disorders” layer.

What’s my point here?  That no matter how much you heal, grow, mature, resolve issues, change bad habits, develop healthy outlets, learn new coping skills, strategize your meals and nutrition, exercise wisely, attend to your health, learn to live with your emotions, etc…… you will STILL have a certain amount of cravings, appetite, hunger, emotional challenges, etc.  There is no fully getting rid of these things, because they’re driven largely by certain realities of biology, genetics, and simply the “normal” human experience.  You can do your best to attend to those things you can change, and clearly help yourself deal with those elements you can’t change, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to grit your teeth through times of uncomfortable hunger, cravings that just won’t die, irrational emotions and crankiness when you have no reason to be anything but ecstatic and grateful.

And here’s the thing:  the above things are OKAY!!!  There was a time when I’d experience some major breakthrough, or put to practice a great strategy of “alternate actitivites” (i.e. when a craving hits, do something to occupy yourself that doesn’t involve food), or develop hobbies or form great friendships that helped keep my mind happy and busy, boosted my self-esteem and  elevated my overall life contendedness, or had an “ah-hah!” about the origins of my behavior……and I guess deep down I kept hoping that somehow these things would help “magically” cut my cravings, or reduce my desire to make inappropriate eating choices.  I was WAITING for it all to at least become a little bit EASIER.

But here’s the truth, at least per my experience.  All of those things are great, but they don’t take away the cravings.  They don’t remove the urge to eat outside of my planned meal strategy for that day.  They don’t make keeping my weight where I like it any easier.  BUT….what they do is help me solidify my resolve, keep my confidence and sense of self-trust high, keep me motivated to confront these difficult challenges and STILL make the right choice, even if every cell of my being is momentarily screaming for a bag of cookies.

In other words, sometimes you’re going to have to white-knuckle it.  If you want both the emotional healing AND a body that’s fit and trim, you still have to deal with those challenges that are simply a normal reality of biology, genetics, and the human experience.  Just as our lungs always have a reserve of air in them, so too do we have a “reserve” of challenges that won’t go away completely, not for as long as we’re alive.

Ironically, it’s actually very freeing to arrive at this conclusion.  I don’t have to wonder if the existence of these things somehow points to the ED, or suggests I need to do “more work” in order to try to extinguish them.  I simply need to accept these realities, make my peace with them, and then flex that mental muscle every time I confront one of these challenges.  It may never get easier, but like everything, with repetition and time, I can get used to it.

I can live with that!  

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The danger — and illusion — of “hide behind” clothing

Went for a run today, which is always good for clearing the head but also giving me “ah-hah!” moments.  One I already alluded to in another post:  “hide me” clothes.  What seems soooooo wonderful and comfy and safe at times….actually turns out to be harmful for my long-term well-being.

I go through phases in which my body weight has stabilized on its low end (I fluctuate by 3-4 pounds generally, but have a small frame so even this kind of swing looks very different), where I can comfortably wear those clothing items I love the most and feel 100% comfortable wearing them.  I feel happy, but I have to be careful that I don’t get complacent.  It can be easy to talk yourself into something you know you shouldn’t have, simply because you “have some wiggle room” — be it in your jeans or on the scale.  Mind you, why would I *want* to give up that wiggle room — obviously, I don’t.  Right or wrong, I love when I’m at a level of leanness in which I can see my abs and my legs are very sculpted.  To overeat at that point would be idiotic, and yet I do, at least sometimes.

But then there are times when I am in a bad spell.  Maybe I’ve put on 2-3 pounds or even 5 pounds from the low end of my range, where I’m really starting to feel lousy both about my weight and my eating habits.  At times like that I find myself feeling more stressed at having to wear revealing clothing; all I want to do is hide under my sweaters, sweatshirts, etc.  I can always tell when I’ve reached this point, as I typically shift from wearing my normal tank tops and running singlets with shorts to the gym…..to instead wearing sweatshirts and leggings.  And indeed, momentarily there’s a feeling of relief, what feels like a happy medium struck, where I’m able to go and get my workout in, yet not have to feel like I’m “out there” and on display.

But what I’m noticing is that caving in to this desire to “hide” always ends up backfiring.  Sure, momentarily I feel better, but what this does is pull me out of the reality of the moment.  Rather than confront the uncomfortable truth — I’ve gained weight through bad eating choices of recent, I’m able to avoid fully cognizing this reality, partly because I’m sidestepping the emotional consequences of my actions.  So what happens?  Rather than make the changes needed to swing myself back on track, I’m more inclined to keep the status quo with my eating (even after I’ve arrived at the intention, i.e. during my workout, to do otherwise), or worse, I somehow convince myself that I “got away with” my little indiscretions of recent, suggesting I can repeat those offenses without further harm!  Talk about dangerous thinking!

So like it or not, it’s important I not succumb to the temptation to retreat into my “hide me” clothes.  I may not always relish wearing my tanks and shorts, but just as I must regularly weigh myself to ensure I don’t allow weight creep to happen, so too do I need to keep my wardrobe such that I can’t “get away with” eating habits that are incompatible with my long-term goals.

Darn! 😛

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Can there REALLY be a happy medium? Do moderation AND body contentment really co-exist?

I think one of the reasons I remain, at least on some level, eating “disordered” (meaning, I maintain rules of eating that sometimes run against what I would “want” at a given moment and/or that require I sometimes deny or ignore my hunger — physical, emotional, or otherwise — and yes, I still stumble from time to time, though I’m not convinced the two behaviors are necessarily related) is because, quite frankly, I’ve yet to find enough evidence that a happy medium between the two extremes — moderation and body contentment — is (for the most part) attainable.  I read about recovery stories, blogs, and posts from individuals who are attempting to move past compulsive eating or bulimic behaviors, and what I often see are either people who forever remain bogged down in examining their emotional reasons for their problem (trust me, that’s a pit that is probably bottomless…..if you think you must wait before you resolve all of those before you embark on the physical end of recovery, my friend, you’re going to be waiting a long time), or people who have recovered from the destructive eating behavior (they no longer binge or engage in dieting, purging, etc.), but now feel expressedly sad, miserable, etc. about their body, which almost inevitably is considerably heavier than it was when they were engaging in restricting/dieting/etc.  Or, they’ve recovered in that they neither engage in eating disorder behaviors and they have made their peace with having a body that isn’t necessarily society’s definition of “fit and buff,” but are now faced with the dilemma of being told by their doctor that they have some health issues (hypertension, cholesterol, borderline diabetes, etc.) that really need to be addressed in part with their diet.  My heart goes out to these people; they seem genuinely caught between the rock and the hard place, honestly believing that to impose any dietary changes or restrictions is a Bad Thing and will send them back into the throes of their ED…..yet to do nothing means they’re quite possibly putting their health at risk.  Plus…..and this may sound terrible…..I’m not sure what I’m reading in their posts is that their life has become better now that they’ve systematically removed any sense of desire to “fare la bella figura” — to put forth their best physique and appearance.

Truly, at least for myself, I think the carrot stick of desiring a thin and fit appearance, while at times maddening and depressing and craze-inducing, is also quite energizing and electrifying.  I think the pursuit of greatness in ALL areas of life:  career, skills, hobbies, relationships, lifestyle….is part of what makes life interesting, fun, fulfilling.  Taking myself as an example, I work in a highly visual area; my appearance is part of my job and my image/career success is, at least to an extent, hooked into the perception that I maintain a high level of fitness.  And as you might expect, there are times when this really gets to me.  I don’t have the luxury to “hide” behind “safe” clothes on a day I have PMS bloat; I can’t tuck myself into a cubicle and do my job quietly on a day I’m feeling fat from some recent eating indiscretions.  No, I’m on display pretty much every day, and it’s a stress I have to deal with proactively or it can consume me.  Every now and then, I’ll have a week off from my normal schedule, where I will be working primarily out of the house.  And every single time, I look at this week with great anticipation.  A whole week without having to put myself out there!  I think of the joy of just having a nice meal, no need to worry if the foods are inclined to bloat me or if the extra sodium will cause changes that are visible the next day.  Somehow I always expect that my eating will go so much easier without this pressure on my shoulders.

 Well guess what.  It never fails.  Every SINGLE time I have this down time, my eating all but falls apart.  Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m bingeing every night or anything like that.  But as much as I have the best of intentions, without the means of holding myself accountable — in this case, the “instant feedback” of having my body in a revealing article of clothing the next day for all to see, I become way too casual about my indiscretions.  Is this wrong?  Maybe, maybe not.  Are there people out there who don’t need *some* outside influence to keep them on track?  Maybe, but evidently I’m not one of them.  And you know what?  The relief I feel in being able to wear whatever I want and know I look darn fit and trim is WAY better than the angst I feel surrounding the dieting, the restricting, the rules, and yes, even the binges/splurges/falls.

The other thing that makes me skeptical about the whole moderation-meets-body-contentment fantasy (if someone can tell me their story and convince me otherwise, I’d love to be swayed differently), is the fact that of the rare people I’ve encountered in my life who happen to be thin and yet have never dieted (yeah, all 11 of them 🙂 ), they all seem to have an interesting trait in common:  they are fully capable of allowing themselves to become extremely hungry…..and they don’t fuss about it.  If they work super-late and arrive home ravenous….they don’t always respond by eating; they may instead go to bed, in the notion that sleep trumps food at that moment.  And they don’t make a big deal of it.  The next day comes and they’re back to normal.  Or they’ll have a craving for a certain kind of food, and while already ravenous, take the time to spend a couple of hours cooking that meal, calmly, sedately, because THAT is the food they’re desiring.  They have no issue with delayed gratification, and don’t seem to take out their extra hunger by overeating at the meal.  It just doesn’t occur to them.

It’s beginning to make me think what we really all need to do is learn to experience physical, even emotional, hunger, and just be okay with it.  End of analysis.  If you want to be thin, that’s the sacrifice you need to make.  And if you’re overall a bit crankier because of it, well, is that necessarily a bad thing?  If that’s the compromise you’re willing to make, then where’s the harm? 

I was reading Bob Greene’s latest book the other day, and he makes an interesting point in talking about why people don’t keep themselves at their goal once they’ve lost the weight.  Now I don’t completely agree with his over-simplification of a lot of the situation (though I guess such is necessary when you’re creating a program for a mass audience), but he makes an interesting statement that flies head-on into the face of the eating disorder recovery camp.  He says that whenever he asks someone how they felt upon losing all the weight — the eating right, the exercise, etc. — they all say the same thing, that they’ve never felt better!

So who’s right?  Those who believe to be thin and fit and having the diet/exercise to support that is where you’ll feel at your best…..or those who believe you’re at your best when you let go of trying to control your weight, instead embracing wherever your body lands?  Obviously I personally fall into the first group for the most part, but is it possible they’re both right, that it simply boils down to, what do you want?  If you can’t have both, which do you want?

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A lesson from running: You’re capable of more than you think

One reason I love running so much is because it presents countless life lessons, and in the simplest of forms.  I learn how to relax into the moment, how to pace myself, how to protect my comfort zone (that image of a masochist gritting their teeth well past their body’s reach?  I can’t imagine….), how to appreciate something as simple as the miracle of my own breath, the cadence it provides, a soundtrack that can be either gentle or furious or somewhere in between.  I learn how to overcome obstacles, how to distinguish the difference between “I can’t” and “I don’t want to,” how to clear my head, how to stop and enjoy the simple pleasures of being outside, no matter what the season, to slow down and smell the earth’s many fragrances, even how to accept and even embrace the swirling chaos of humanity — the cars, the restaurants, the hum of activity that seems so in contrast to the lone girl quietly huffing and puffing through an afternoon jog.  The list goes on and on.

Anyway, today’s lesson presented itself early on:  you’re capable of more than you give yourself credit for.  As is often the case, I was pressed for time.  But the weather was so beautiful — unusually sunny and mild for this time of the year, with that wonderful blue sky that seems to pick up your mood instantly.  I knew I had to go out and experience it for at least a little while.  I took off and glanced at my watch.  I had about an hour and a half to work with.  Understand, mid-week I normally like to do an extra long cardio session, especially in winter as it keeps my endurance up during the down season from running races.  I was originally planning to either just take a walk or do some light intervals back and forth between walking and running.  But in either of those choices, I normally prefer about 100 minutes, to ensure I cover around 7 miles.  90 minutes won’t cover that.  I had pretty much done an “oh well” as I began to run, but I felt that curious twitch I know all too well.  Not really wanting to have to pay attention to my watch (on such a lovely day I prefer to just GO and let my mind rest), I decided what the heck, I’ll just see how long I can run before I need a break.  It wasn’t long before I realized this wasn’t going to be a problem.  In fact, it was almost embarrassing just how relatively easy it was to keep going without a break.  Mind you, I’ve run continuously recently, but the vast majority of my last few months’ running workouts have been run/walk intervals.  I suppose it all got shaken up when I had a bad 10K race this past summer — got a stitch that I just couldn’t shake.  After that, I seemed to go through a funk in which I felt timid about doing continuous runs.  But rather than give up altogether, I figured when I’m ready to resume continuous, I will; in the meantime, I “let” myself choose intervals most of the time, to keep up my confidence and preserve the whole enjoyment of running.  Every now and then I’d throw in 20, 30, 40 minutes of running, but those were few and far between.

Until today!  At some point, as I continued my “Hmmm, I wonder….” run-til-I-have-to-stop experiment, I began to realize I probably was nearing the 30 minute mark.  I wanted to avoid looking at my watch, because once I do I tend to look again far too frequently, which drives me nuts, like a nervous tick or something.  But sure enough, the town square clock read 2:20, when I knew I had started off at 1:50.  I kept running, did my body inventory and realized all was still a-ok.  I knew at some point I was nearing the 45-minute mark.  I decided that I’d be happy to at least go an hour, that 75 minutes would be the bomb, and that 90 minutes would be like reaching the moon in terms of happy success.

Well I don’t need to keep you in suspense, you probably know where this is going anyway.  Yes, indeed, I hit the 90 minute mark, with only sweat, a little bit of chill in my fingers and a small amount of tightness in my calves as my accompaniments.

In other words, I’ve been capable of this all along, just as I’d done in the past.  I simply allowed myself to put up an invisible fence in my mind, or a leash that appeared to be locked but in fact was not.  Amazing what happens when we put up these barriers for ourselves, isn’t it?  But just as amazing is the feeling you get when you break them down!

Of course, the only hitch is…. I now know that the next time I set out for a run, I don’t have quite so “easy” an excuse to not go at it continuously.  Should I decide to do intervals, I have to know it’s because I’m simply electing for a lighter workout that day, and not because I couldn’t easily nail that time or distance nonstop!  So much for avoiding the real reason!

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On Christmas Eve: The things I’m grateful for

I don’t do this (at least to the point in which I’m writing about it) often enough, so today seems a good day to reflect on some of those things I’m truly grateful for.  They include, in no particular order:

•  My health
• The ability move and push myself to new levels of fitness and athletics
•  My amazingly supportive husband, who also isn’t afraid to challenge me
• Getting through a fall season (knock on wood) without catching a cold or flu — there were some nasty ones circulating about!
• My customers, who bless their hearts are always reminding me of how much they enjoy/benefit from my products and services
• My family, may they all be healthy in the coming year
• My in-laws, with whom my relationship has never been better
• My job, which I love with a passion even if at times I’m aware that I need to keep growing and evolving from where I’m at now
• The outdoors, and the activities therein
• Skiing
• Running
• Hearing my own breath when I run
• Coffee
• The luxury of being able to buy whatever tasty food I wish, not ever having to worry about how to afford to eat
• Being able to be the one to put money IN the Salvation Army buckets, rather than having to be one to be the RECIPIENT of such charity
• My house, which continues to become more and more my “home”
• My car, which I would never replace (well, I guess I’ll have to sooner or later) even if we won lotto
• Having another great day in which to live and grow and experience things! 

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Skiing in progress: From chaotic to intuitive

What, you think every post has to be about bulimia?  Feh on that. 

Had my first ski outing of the season recently.  It’s funny to watch myself go through the beginning of each season.  Having only skied for the first time a few years ago, I’m still a relative newcomer, though I’m definitely improving steadily.  I love it!  I love zooming down the slopes, love being outside in the winter setting, the trees, the blue sky, the bright snow (though it’s also fun, albeit tough to see, to be out while a soft snowfall is happening), love conquering my fears of the mountain and feeling the exhileration of making it to the bottom in one piece, and even taking my tumbles (I’ve yard-saled more often than I care to count), which lets me know I’m still pushing my boundaries, which beats playing it safe any day.  It’s been a lot of fun to watch myself go from that scared-to-death first outing at our local ski hill (more a glorified speed bump than a hill) to where I was at the end of last season — feeling quite solid on most blue runs and even tackling a few black diamonds.

Still.  I envy those who have been skiing most of their lives, as they seem to have an instinct about their skiing that I have yet to acquire.  For me, it’s still very much a conscious, analytical, rehearsed process.  I have to think about technique because my inclination is often to do exactly the opposite that will enable me to ski with control, and without that sense of technique and control, fear takes over and I do even worse.  And while by the end of the season much of this analysis typically gives way to a sense of natural, mastered movements, it all seems to reset itself at the start of the new season, as though my brain’s and body’s slates have been wiped clean, and I have to re-learn everything all over again.

That is, until now!  For the first time, I can honestly say that my first outing actually felt intuitive, where I didn’t have to think about my movements, I could just ski.  What a great feeling that was!  Unfortunately, it was hampered by my ongoing problem with my boots — too small, I need to get new ones.  But what a great feeling to sense that my body is finally retaining its skills from eight months ago!

So I guess this is testimonial to the fact that even if you find yourself a slow learner at something, with perseverence, sooner or later you WILL begin to master the task!

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