I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas! What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in. Knock on wood, life has been good.
This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year: Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year. It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?” I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries. Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought? We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them. Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.” What a miracle this is!
What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all! I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly. I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.
Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process. I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life. Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater! But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways. Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling. Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.” Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else. If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought. I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare. My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it.
Even so, I know better than to let my guard down. If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program. I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind: “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”
I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time. I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return. I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful. I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc. The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits. I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry. I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body. My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that.
So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back. When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point. But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently. There’s hope, hang in there!
Recovering Part-time Bulimic 