Abstinence during the holidays: The best gift of all

I seem to open every post with this, but I’m cringing at seeing that my last post was before Thanksgiving, and here it is, three days after Christmas!  What’s amazing is how much life, program and recovery have been taking place since that time, despite the absence of checking in.  Knock on wood, life has been good.

This “holiday season” (however you define it) has brought a unique gift this year:  Higher Power-willing, I will have abstained from those “big ticket item” foods that ordinarily are as omipresent in my holidays (and the days in between) as the Vince Guaraldi “Snoopy” music I find irresistable at this time of year.  It wasn’t necessarily my goal, more a matter of, “I’m already steering clear of these things, I wonder what it would be like if I just kept going through the holidays?”  I keep telling myself that I can always revisit this eating plan for next year, but for now, these are my boundaries.  Can I tell you the sheer relief this has brought?  We’ve had some of these foods in the house on a regular basis — my husband is a normie and I would never ask him to deprive himself just because I’m not eating something — yet I’ve been surprisingly free of temptation or craving for them.  Sure, I’ve had days in which I’m extra-hungry or I’m feeling cravings, but only for the items that I’m currently eating, nothing that’s “off the list.”  What a miracle this is!

What’s even more astonishing is that I was able to bake Christmas cookies this year — four varieties in all (I used to bake over a dozen varieties, but decided such would be asking for trouble this year) — and not a problem at all!  I looked at it like I’m just doing a craft, a craft that happens to smell heavenly.  I didn’t even equate the cookies as something that’s edible; just a fun way for me to create something for others to enjoy, while I get to zone out.

Now I will tell you, it would be remiss of me to claim that there’s been positively no negative aspect to this process.  I’ve had many moments in which I’m feeling a sense of mourning, a sadness that I’m not partaking in something that let’s face it, I enjoyed a great deal my whole life.  Yes, that “enjoyment” brought with it a mighty price in the form of pain and destruction, but duh, if there wasn’t an addictive pleasure attached to the experience, I wouldn’t be a compulsive overeater!  But I’ve coped with these moments in several ways.  Sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the feeling.  Other times I just tell myself, “You’re not having it right now, but you can always revisit your plan in a couple of weeks.”  Or, I simply stop thinking about it and think about something else.  If it’s a food thought, sometimes just thinking about one of the foods that I CAN eat — and very much ENJOY eating — is all I need to let go of the thought.  I’m beginning to appreciate that no choice in life is necessarily without a mixed bag of positive and negative feelings, that feeling 100% about any decision is rare.  My addict mind doesn’t like this, but I’m learning to live with it. 

Even so, I know better than to let my guard down.  If anything, I seem to be retaining a low-level nervousness that’s keeping me on top of working my program.  I think a little fear is a healthy thing; it helps me remember the pain of where I was, and to keep one of my favorite program quotes in my mind:  “If you like what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing.”

I should point out that the real gift in all of this, isn’t just the peace and good health this is bringing to me, it’s the fact that I’ve been able to keep a clear head so that I could be of better service to others during this time.  I can genuinely enjoy the company of my loved ones, and be available to them in return.  I can think of others other than myself, and constantly seek ways to be kind and helpful.  I’m no longer obsessing about my eating, what I will wear, how I look, etc.  The irony is, I’m at the most comfortable weight of my life, but rather than “show it off,” I’ve taken to just wearing pleasant, simple, somewhat “neutral” outfits.  I want people to see me — the real me — and not be distracted by flashy clothes or outlandish jewelry.  I’m no longer out to “wow” people or “impress” them with my body.  My body is not really my business; I do my best to take care of it and I have to respect whatever HP decides is the outcome of that. 

So if you’re struggling, please keep coming back.  When I think of ALLLLL the horrible pain, all the stumbles, the struggles, the relapses, the honest efforts that always seemed to fizzle, I’m stunned that I could somehow have arrived at this point.  But it did happen, and as nervous as I am about making sure I do what is needed to keep going on this path, I’m 100% convinced that the reason this all did happen was because of my program, and my willingness to work it diligently.  There’s hope, hang in there!

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Interpreting the “Higher Power” reference in OA

Generally, OA is not my personal cup of tea.  I appreciate that it’s helpful to others and for that I acknowledge its value; it simply isn’t for me.  However, I strongly agree with some of the beliefs and approaches by the organization, even if I don’t necessarily apply them in the exact same way as they do.  I agree, for example, that helping others who are struggling is one way to help yourself (though obviously that ought not be the only motivation for doing so).

I have a book, one of my favorites, on overcoming overeating (no, it’s not the book by that title nor the author), written by a member of OA and based on the program therein.  It’s not an “official” OA book, but from what I understand of the organization, it ought to be, for it’s about the most logical, clear-cut, well-organized manual on the subject I have ever read.  And so much of what the author spells out about the program are points I have found, on my own, to be extremely helpful.

But the one element I have often struggled with is the notion of a Higher Power.  Don’t get me wrong; I believe in God or some comparable entity, believe there is “more” than what meets the eye on this earth.  But somehow, the notion of handing myself over to a Higher Power — one of the credos of OA — has never sat well with me.  To me it suggests that I lack the ability to overcome this — or, now that I’ve done most of the “overcoming,” to manage this.  I might be misinterpreting it, but that’s how I read it.  I like the idea of taking full ownership and responsibility for such a problem, and in upholding the idea that I alone — maybe through the tools God has provided me? — can make my own wise decisions and go about implementing change.

But I had a light bulb moment the other day that gave me a sense of resolution to this, perhaps because I *want* to believe in that part of OA.  I was on one of the cardio machines at the gym, reflecting on a conversation my husband and I had had that morning.  I was asking his advice on tweaking my current food plan.  I go through this every single winter; I swear the lack of daylight and the cavedweller effect of all this snow and cold literally scrambles my brain out of its normal self, because this plays out every year without fail.  In short, I begin to “experiment” with my eating, introducing foods that are 99% likely to cause trouble, and to make short-term decisions that, frankly, are immature, selfish, impulsive and/or self-indulgent.  It nearly always leads to a period of trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip.  There finally comes a point when I cry “uncle” and recognize that there’s no place like home, “home” being my regular food plan, my regular approach.  It’s almost as though I momentarily get amnesia, “forgetting” how predictably these foods have caused problems in the past, hoping upon hope that maybe “this time will be different.”  And of course, we all know what happens next!

So of course, it’s like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz.  You take this magical mystery tour, only to realize, reluctantly at times, that you’re still best off doing what’s always worked.  Which is the point I had reached recently after just such an experimentation.  My patient husband duly administered his (appropriate) “duh” response upon my verbalizing this revelation.

So now I’m on the cardio machine, reflecting on how if I only shut off all outside noise — all books, all message boards, all TV ads, all Oprah’s, all magazine articles, all overheard conversations, all blogs…… and simply turn to that internal source, I always steer myself right.  What frustrates me, I suppose, is because what works for me tends to run against what is commonly touted.  That’s tough, as it means I have to essentially plug my ears with my fingers and yell “la la la la la” as it can be soooooo easy to let myself second-guess that internal wisdom.  But you can’t argue with success, and whenever I’ve ignored the popular “sensible” wisdom of the masses (not the rules of nutrition, just in how I choose to adminster them for myself), BOOM, I click into a pleasant, almost “easy” rhythm of eating and lifestyle.  When I futz with it…. I struggle.

Ah-HAH!!!!!!!!!!!   In other words….. that “inner wisdom” of mine IS that “Higher Power.”  It’s that overarching authority that must ultimately be the dominant voice in choosing your tools, your path.  Because everything “beneath” it — looking to others for validation/guidance, going by the popular choice, going by the whims of cravings (danger, Will Robinson), going by the whims of what others insist is the “right” way — is ground clutter.  You have to have someone or something that is unfailingly the final word to ensure you DON’T get pulled in every which direction.  Does this “Higher Power” wisdom of mine come from God?  Or something similar?  Is it within me only?  Is it a compilation of everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve experienced?  Probably….yes.  To all of the above.  Or maybe not.  Who knows, who cares.  The point is, I GET IT now.  And suddenly it makes all the sense in the world to me.  And truth be told, it’s the one sure source that I have always found works (when I listen to and implement it).

Another piece to the puzzle!

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