The debate of avoiding sugar/flour vs. “everything in moderation”….Part 1

Bear with me, this is going to take more than one blog entry to work through.  Maybe some of what I’m writing will resonate with you.

This is a subject of endless debate, and I don’t suspect there’s any one definitive “right” answer or conclusion.  If anything, it only underscores how very different everyone is when it comes time to deciphering what approach they need to take with their eating.

I don’t suppose there’s much for me to bring to this debate that hasn’t already been discussed at length, but I do think putting my own thoughts “on paper” will help me sort out where I am at the moment.  So keep that in mind, that what what may be useful/truthful/applicable to me may not be so for you, and I’m not trying to suggest otherwise.

There is a part of me, that part that likes absolutes, clear-cut guidelines, definitive answers, that finds the thought of completely avoiding certain foods (or ingredients) appealing.  It offers an “at least” consolation, as in, “Well I may be struggling with other foods or the amount I’m eating, but at least I’ve consistently stayed away from white sugar.”  Sometimes, when you’re in a funk and it seems you’re doing nothing but stumbling, having that bottom-line consistency can keep your morale up until you’re able to collect yourself and get back to a higher-level state of eating management.  I can also see the value in letting go of certain foods from one’s diet, of accepting that you will never, ever eat them again.  With the brain-splitting selection of foods — be they simple/healthy, processed/not-so-bad, or outright junk — available at even the local pharmacy, never mind mega-grocery stores…..eliminating large swaths of food from even being an option can help make shopping blissfully easier, espcially considering I can be vulnerable to over-stimulation and the stress of too many choices.  Like, I know myself enough to know that it’s best that I never even consider, say, Pop Tarts, to be a part of my diet.  Or Three Musketeers Bars.  These are foods I ate and enjoyed in excess at one time, and between the fact that they offer zero nutrition and not even enough satiety to justify their sugar and fat content, it’s best I pass them up.  No issue there.

But I’m uneasy at the thought of eliminating foods that contain flour, or sugar, or wheat or some such.  Being that I have such a literal mind, I would quickly take that declaration to unhealthy extremes.  I couldn’t do it “halfway,” I’d have to read every label and eliminate such a huge list of foods from my repertoire, and I just don’t find this healthy.  Certainly, the obvious offenders might best be avoided.  I don’t remember the last time I considered cookies, cake, candy, or most breads to be a part of my daily menu choices.   And I rarely eat pasta, per se, partly because it’s just not a particularly favorite food of mine, partly because I don’t find much satiety in it.

But what about my favorite soups?  Many of them contain a small amount of pasta, which means both flour and wheat as an ingredient.  However, they’re also loaded with vegetables and protein (usually from chicken), which is good as I sometimes struggle to include enough protein and veggies in my day’s food.  And what about all those foods that have sugar as an ingredient, a main ingredient, even?  I love sorbet, and found it to be a wonderful treat to incorporate into my diet when I eliminated most other sweets from my daily food plan.  Sure, it contains sugar, like cookies, but unlike cookies, it’s about as far removed from the taste, texture, and “easy to eat fast and furiously” character that cookies have for me, that it makes no sense to eliminate it.

I guess I’m steering towards the notion that life doesn’t work in such absolutes for me, that there still needs to be an element of common sense even if a person chooses to adopt some concrete rules for themselves.  Sure, sometimes it’s tempting, pondering the simplicity of such hard-lined boundaries.  But something deep down feels that this approach is not a good one for me.  I have to keep teaching/learning the art of what I’ll call “structured moderation.”  The best of both worlds.  The tough part probably is, how do you enforce it?  There is a risk that the minute you face temptation, you can simply change the rules to suit what it is you want at that moment.

But I think therein lies the process of becoming mature.  You have to be able to retain a sense of honesty and accountability, so that when you’re facing such moments, you can still abide by your current rules/guidelines, and not fall into the trap of “rewriting” them right there and then.  If you think you need to make a change, clearly the best measure is to have the presence of mind to stick to the plan at that moment, then visit the possibility of modifications later, at a time when you’re lucid and more objective.

More later!

Riding the waves of triggers; must they be so constant?

I think one of the more frustrating aspects of dealing with my eating inclinations is that no matter how much progress I make, there are still those days in which a map of my brain would probably look like an EKG:  lots of spikes and drops.  In fact, scratch that, I think my brain is wired so that MOST days entail that.  It’s in my nature, which I actually think is one reason I have such a high capacity for joy, passion, enjoying both life’s big successes and those little pleasures of the day.  But the flip side of that coin is that my brain’s chemistry can skyrocket “just like that,” leaving me with the task of slowly bringing myself back down.  That’s when I can be ultra-vulnerable.  Now thankfully, I have developed a much-greater ability to anticipate those peaks and waves and ride them out without acting on them through food.  A huge key is in being able to wait.  If I wait just 15-30 minutes and busy myself with something else, the worst of the trigger will pass and I can start to think clearly enough to get back on my original plans for the day. 

But even so, these ups and downs still occur, often without any warning.  Take this morning.  I had arranged to finally have a much-overdue phone chat with a close friend of mine.  I reminded myself of the call as a final thought as I went to bed last night.  Yet it wasn’t until about 20 minutes after our scheduled call time — as I sipped my coffee and wondered “what am I forgetting” — that I realized I still had my cell phone on silent ring, and had completely forgotten about the phone call!  And sure enough, upon racing to the phone I discovered a missed call from my friend.  I tried calling her back, but only got her voicemail, which made sense as our window wasn’t expected to be too long.

Suffice it to say, I felt devastated and apologized profusely.  But remember those spikes I was telling you about?  Well now I’m practically circling the moon.  As I walked back into the kitchen, my head was literally spinning.  I found my mind just wanting to numb out and for that one moment, all I could think of was diving into a particular food we have in the house at the moment, and dealing with the consequences “later.”  Thank GOD I have enough experience with that kind of impulse to know that I need to hit the pause button and just give myself a nice cup of coffee, let myself come down from that peak, before “finalizing” such a decision.  And thus far, I’m fine.  The crisis has passed, I expect the rest of the day will unfold as planned.  WHEW.

But it wasn’t EASY.  In fact it was still so HARD (yes, pull out the violins, I’m whining like a sugared-up toddler on a tantrum!).  It’s still hard now, though none of this is as hard as it used to be.  Seeing my body at a very comfortable weight, liking what I see in the outfit I’m wearing, feeling a calm stomach, knowing the rest of the day has not been “blown” (I don’t care what anyone says, even if you stop after a morning binge and go about the rest of the day, it’s never the same as it would be had you not binged)…..all of this helps tremendously.  Especially knowing that I actually stand a chance at accomplishing all my planned work tasks of the day, since I won’t be in a food fog.

I might not be as annoyed if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve had times in which, for whatever reason things are really “clicking” for me, and I don’t feel the food calling and I don’t even notice those spikes as much.  But I’m starting to think that those are mere gifts, little reprieves, but not representative of what most of the day-to-day management of this will be like.  I suppose the sooner I accept that the price I pay for having this serenity, for having a body I’m comfortable and happy with, for feeling good about my becoming a mature, contributing adult…..is to accept having to deal with these triggers for the long haul.  I guess I can live with that!

Chronically “better” but not “there yet”

It’s occurred to me how many times I use the word “better” when describing where I am now vs. where I was yesterday, last week, last year, four years ago, etc.  It gets to a point in which the word almost loses any meaning or significance.  Better by what measure?  Because being the complex creature that I am, it’s a certainty that for every improvement or stride I have made in my happiness, my behavior, the quality of my life…..I can probably pick out examples in which I’ve backslid.  So I suppose my use of the word “better” presumes that the “net” movement is forward, even in the presence of those regressions.

I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about this if not for the fact that a couple of years ago, it was brought to my attention by my husband, who at the time expressed weariness (and wariness) at my overuse of it.  “Great, you’re better, but when are going to make that final leap to your goal?”  That’s a paraphrase but that was the essence of his complaint.  And truth be told, he’s right, in the sense that, if I do have a concrete goal but keep falling short of doing what is needed to achieve it…..”better” becomes a safety net, a sort of consolation with which to comfort myself.  “Well…sure, I may not be at my goal YET….but at least I’m better than I was before.”  That’s one of those tools that can be very useful and harmful, depending on how you apply it.

So I’ve been sensitive, irritated even, at my perpetual use of “better” in describing where I’m at.  At the very least, I’ve tried to watch for signs of abusing the term, or using it as a chance to bail out of the hard work I know I need to do, and rest a little too comfortably in my laurels.

But that process has given rise to a new realization:  Really, isn’t the word ”better” the ultimate summary of the flow of a life well lived?  Do any of us truly reach that final destination, that place in which we have “arrived” and can now just kick back and coast the rest of the way?  I don’t believe so, and more importantly, I sure hope not.  To me, a life worth living, by definition, is one that entails constant growth, constant striving to do more, explore new horizons, embark on new adventures, master new skills.  Yes, it’s good to hit those goals at least some of the time, and to bask in the satisfaction of that.  But there’s so much to be said for the struggle and effort to get there, regardless of whether you reach them or not (especially since we aren’t really in control of that final outcome, anyway).  As the saying goes, if you’re not going forward, you’re going backward, and that definitely rings true for me.

So…..I guess I’d better (ha HA! another use of the word!) get used to the presence of “better” in my life, and be happy and grateful it applies so much so as to cause such musings about it!

Adding a new food to my repertoire, albeit the “processed” version first

I’m excited, I very much enjoy East Indian cooking and have long wanted to incorporate it into my regular menu.  Problem  is, I tend to jump a little too eagerly onto the bandwagon with these things:  the last time I thought about doing this, I bought a cookbook, a bunch of hard-to-find ingredients (mostly spices I had never used before), and set out to educate myself on authentic East Indian meal preparation.  And while the sumptuous descriptions and exotic recipes captured my imagination and beguiled my romantic side…..I never really advanced forward from the “reading” and into the “doing” phase.  Typical me!  Too much thinking, too much preparation/planning.

So that idea faded into the woodwork a long time ago.  UNTIL…..on a recent trip to the grocery store with my husband, we happened upon the “international foods” aisle, and lo and behold, they have pre-packaged East Indian dishes, ready to heat in much the same way you find American rice and other dishes.  Eureka!  Now granted, I don’t for one moment kid myself that this is any equivalent representation of what I might experience at the local East Indian restaurant or even by my own homemade efforts.  But whatever gets the ball rolling, right?

So tonight’s dinner will be Kashmir Spinach, and I could not be more excited!  We’ll see where this goes…..

No more hitting the reset button (again): No more “Day 1’s”!

One subject that seems to come up over and over, both with myself but more with people I talk to….is this notion of starting over, or embarking on “Day 1″ of some new way of eating or hitting the reset button just because one broke their “perfect” eating track record.  Ironically, I find that I actually eat and behave BETTER (i.e. more cleanly, more honestly, more effectively) if I DON’T give myself the permission to hit that reset button and wipe out my “bad” track record.  Because if I think that I need to behave in a way that BOTH accounts for the way I behaved yesterday (or last week or last month or whenever) AND still brings me towards hitting or maintaining my goal….well then SHUCKS I have much work to do!  I realize that I must hang in there and reinforce those actions that I know are constructive even MORE so.  If, on the other hand, I allow myself to say, “Oh, I slipped, well there goes that, it’s back to Day 1 for me,” I do two destructive things:  First, I demoralize myself, because I never catch that sense of momentum beyond the first day/week/month.  It’s hard to keep building up a sense of empowerment on past successes if I’m essentially wiping them out and restarting my plan.   Second, I fall into the trap of magical thinking and fall OUT of retaining a connection to reality.  Saying “I’m back at Day 1″ seems too close to the mentality, ”THIS time I’ll be PERFECT” to me.  And if I’m not ready to embrace imperfection from the get-go, I’m not preparing myself for how to handle those imperfect moments when they do occur, which means I’m not truly building a rich, mature life that allows me to function outside of the distraction of forever looking for a solution to my eating challenges.

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize that when a person stumbles, slips, lapses or outright relapses, it needs to be taken seriously.  Believe me, I’m only too aware of that on a personal level.   But I’m troubled by this prevalent ”Day 1″ mentality.  I just don’t think it’s very constructive, certainly not with something as subjective and complex as one’s eating.  It’s sort of like when you enter a marriage (or long-term relationship) or a job.  Once you’ve made a reasonably thought-out decision…..the next however many months/years/lifetime is now oriented around sustaining that commitment.  If you are now married, you WILL, being human, make a poor choice in word or action.  And you WILL have an incident or argument or event that disrupts your rosey thoughts about your partner.  But you can’t just up and say, “Well that’s it, better luck next time” and chuck the relationship out the window in the pursuit of the next Mr./Ms. Right.  Ditto for a job:  You will likely make some major stumble or mistake, or even act in a way that is objectively grievous.  But you can’t just run from that, quit your job, etc.  You have to learn from your mistake, commit to not repeat it, and get to work on doing better.

So enough of this collection of Day 1’s!  Whether you make a teeny slip or a Mother Of All Blowouts, get up, brush yourself off, fix the boo-boos, but focus on tomorrow (or even the rest of today) as a continuation of where you left off.  Embrace the inevitable dents and instead make it your goal to minimize their occurence and severity (and maximize the lessons therein!), rather than eliminate them altogether.  AND be sure to acknowledge your mistakes but ALSO retain perspective on your triumphant behavior as well!

At least, that’s my take.

Totally off topic: How is one treated for “exhaustion”?

OK, this is an honest question, spoken out of grateful ignorance, since I have never suffered from any mental illness or issue (that I know of, heh), or anything requiring my checking into a mental health clinic.

I was just reading the news that Susan Boyle, the amazing singer from Scotland, has left the clinic in which she was treated for, and I quote the article, “exhaustion,” and thankfully is reportedly doing well.

This, obviously, is not a new term.  We often hear of actors and actresses, and perhaps more notably singers and musicians, canceling engagements and/or being checked into a such-and-such clinic for “exhaustion.”  And we also hear, and maybe even partake in, conversations speculating about whether that word is code for something else more controversial.  I’ll admit, in recent years I’ve come to assume exactly that, that ”exhaustion” is just the catch-all word used when either they don’t want to disclose additional details out of privacy or because to do so would have undesirable consequences on the person’s career/status.  And being one who is extremely private herself, who am I to question that.  But it still means the word exhaustion has become a bit of a punchline, i.e. “exhaustion, yeah right, nudge nudge wink wink.”

But now hearing about Susan Boyle being treated for exhaustion, I’m finding myself re-examining that assumption of mine.  So let’s assume that’s exactly what it is, exhaustion.  Exactly what do they do to treat a person for that?  I’m not trying to be glib, just to understand what to me seems puzzling.  I mean, I’ve been exhausted plenty of times, who hasn’t?  And yes, I mean exhausted to the point of feeling quite burned out, overwhelmed, in need of getting away from everything, etc.  So at what point is it decided that the symptoms are beyond that which can be remedied by taking (say) a week of rest at home, eating some nutritious meals, taking some nice walks, basically convalescing on one’s own?  What do they do in a clinical setting for exhaustion that’s much different?  OK, let’s add that they include some appointments with a caring counselor or therapist to help the person sort things out.  Why does this warrant an in-patient stay, rather than doing the above-mentioned home care and a few appointments with an outpatient therapist?  What am I missing here?

I realize this still may be a discrete way to report on Ms. Boyle, who may in fact be suffering more than simply exhaustion.  But if not, I’m truly curious and would love to learn something new here.

For once, a post that’s not about ME!

More on How It Happened (my recent journey into 12 steps)

Somewhat a continuation of yesterday’s (June 1) post.  So read that for reference if you haven’t already.

What a curious and unforseen journey this is shaping up to be.  Before I elaborate on what has happened, what led to this new leaf, I should probably mention what (apparently) precipitated it.  These things can be hard to pinpoint in one neat and tidy explanation; really, how do I KNOW what prompted me to suddenly seek out a bunch of podcasts of a certain 12-step program?  And what then prompted me to quietly begin considering how I might apply those principles to my own life, and to then test the waters?  I doubt I’ll ever fully know.  But that seems to be part of the appeal for me.  I don’t really have to know such answers, at least in terms of getting better.  The solution remains the same regardless.  What a relief!  How freeing!

But for the sake of story telling, and assuming there’s still some value in self-knowledge, I’ll give some specifics.  I had been finding that the more “living” I’ve been doing, the more I’ve been putting myself out there, pushing past my comfort zone and embarking on more and more extensive adventures…..the more I found that my current m.o. with my eating was no longer “good enough.”  It’s interesting to note that certain behaviors of mine, particularly unplanned overeating (as opposed to, say, a planned and greatly anticipated upcoming Friday night pizza splurge), can be seemingly benign and unobtrusive as long as life is relatively small (and, admittedly, all the more so since these deviations were generally sporadic enough so as to not really affect my weight).  I admit that, in the spirit of “the path of least resistence” or “do only the bare minimum,” I allowed certain insane behaviors to remain in place, unchallenged, due to these very reasons.  But as my life became bigger, as I pushed and continued experiencing more and more growth…..darn it if I found that these behaviors were beginning to impede on my life, in a way that was unacceptable to me.  And on top of that, I’ve been finding myself increasingly…..protective….caring….about my body.  I guess I finally opened my eyes to the awfulness of the effects of this behavior, the turmoil it causes my body even if relatively “mild” (in comparison to what it had been in the past, what it “could” be) and temporary.  It increasingly broke my heart to see my body go through the aftermath, like a wounded beloved pet or other helpless animal.  So the desire to change, I believe, really and truly came from this groundswell within; it really had little to do with “weight” per se, more a genuine desire to be able to live life freely no matter how “big” it gets, and to take as good a care as I can to this wonderful and cherished body I have been entrusted with.

But what prompted actual action was an upcoming trip.  This was to be a high-action trip, one for which there would be no room for “error,” in that I could NOT imagine experiencing the trip with any distraction from my eating.  Just the mere thought of harming the experience through such pointless behavior caused my chest to constrict.  I knew that I had to “get clean” for the trip and have a plan in place to somehow suspend my behaviors and have healthy ones in their place, be they temporary or the start of something long-term.

I had already made some internal shifts, I believe, when I began listening to the podcasts.  But without a doubt, listening to the speakers struck a huge chord with me.  I found myself letting go of preconceived ideas, found myself feeling the excitement that comes with approaching something with an open mind, something I thought I was good at but soon concluded that I definitely was less practiced at this than I had originally believed.  But now I found myself, for the first time that I can ever remember, confronting the fears and anxieties and other such reactions with a, “Well take a deep breath and….why not?  Don’t panic, just listen and see what happens.”  And that was the turning point.  What could I lose?  Why not consider some new, uncharted territory?  I felt secure enough with where I’ve brought myself to believe that if I really felt the need to retreat, I could put myself back on my own track and go on my merry way.  But somehow I sensed that this made sense, that this was and is the right step for myself.

And I can only say, something magical happened.  Something switched inside me.  I’m going to skip past a couple of weeks, though I will say the trip was AWESOME.  Truly life-changing, and in so many ways and I know much of it had to do with the shift I’d made in the period leading up to it and the trip itself.  I knew something was happening just by the fact that I kept it to myself until after we’d returned from the trip.  Normally, I tell my husband EVERYTHING, but this time I really felt the need to stay private about it, let this internal journey be mine, at least until I knew whether this was really going somewhere.

Anyway, but aside from the amazing trip that resulted, I believe, largely from this internal shift, something astonishing happened upon our return that REALLY illuminated my internal change.  Ordinarily, upon returning from a trip, it’s not unusual for me to indulge myself foods/treats that I was unable to access on the trip.  Since eating cleanly on a trip is nothing new to me — it’s my normal mode, as I like to keep things simple in that regard, it’s not unusual to have a rather mono-food diet while traveling, which I actually enjoy as it forces me to extract pleasure from foods I normally overlook when I have access to more varieity.  But it still means I miss certain foods, and I have found it’s simply easiest to allow one indulgent dinner/evening following my return, get it “out of my system,” and voila, I’m back on track.  And although this trip brought forth certain changes that were new for me, overall my eating on this trip was probably not so very different from my normal “clean travel diet,” which meant I once again anticipated my upcoming “treat night” upon our return.

And although we were returning on a Sunday, I did not want to make Sunday night Treat Night as I hate starting off my Monday/week with a foggy head and bloaty digestion.  But looking at my calendar, I noticed that Tuesday would be a mostly work-out-of-the-house day.  Perfect, I thought, I’ll allow my Treat Night for Monday.

So here’s the astonishing part.  I woke up Monday morning, got dressed and ready for work.  Yet….I found myself strangely undesiring of having any treats that day.  Understand, once I make such a decision, normally that’s it, there’s no revisiting it, and I must admit I spend much of my day thinking about the goodies I will be indulging myself that evening.  So for me to have even one second thought is unheard of.  Yet here I was, going about my day, not wanting to follow through with it.  The reason?  Not because of the anticipated digestion/foggy head woes, but because I had had such an amazing trip….I didn’t want to end the afterglow just yet.  I knew that the moment I truly gave in to allowing this treat night, my mind would cease all thoughts of the trip and go back to its “pre trip” orientation.  I couldn’t bear the thought.  Maybe later, I thought.  But…..not today.  So I made the decision to hold off.  Yes, I did.  And I nearly cried, it’s like I could feel my body smiling at the joy of knowing it would not be inundated with food it did not need, food that would offer nothing nutritionally.  Talk about a change!

So that in itself was its own reward; arriving home from work, cooking up a delicious, wholesome, and modest meal, and savoring it and the feeling of going to bed comfortable, and of course of waking up comfortable.  I literally danced around happily!

BUT this wasn’t the only gift.  For this decision of mine was even more fortuitous than I initially realized.  A couple hours into the day, I got a call from a close friend, in urgent need of going out for coffee to talk — highly unusual as most of us in my social circle are busy enough that such spontaneous get-togethers are rare.  But I said “of course” and we met up.  Turns out my friend was experiencing a huge personal crisis and needed the support of someone who cares, and chose me to be that someone.  And here I was, stepping to the plate and able to be there for my friend.  I can assure you, had I followed through with my original Treat Night plan, I would NOT have been able to be so supportive, so fully present with all of my being.  I might not even have agreed to go, might have come up with a “legitimate” excuse for why I could not.  I shudder to think of this, but I also can’t help but think….was there some Higher Power in effect, steering me?  How else do you explain the series of events?  At the very least, I feel as though some form of divine intervention was in play.

Wow, 364 days (and 12 steps) later

How strange, that the very next time I feel inclined to post is almost exactly one year to the date from my last post!  I haven’t even read that post yet, so you and I will together have a new experience after I finish writing this.

So I suppose I should offer a bit of a year in summary before I get into today’s topic.  LOTS has happened since a year ago.  It’s almost mind-boggling, yet probably only to me (and my husband, who knows me best), as much of the change is internal and/or subtle in the overall big picture.

For starters, last summer had brought with it some changes in my nutrition that finally rendered some much-sought results in fall (that’s code for, I stopped eating certain foods and finally saw a return of more sharply defined muscles and a boost in my energy/mood), and I fell into a pattern that felt quite comfortable and sustainable.  The summer also brought some terrific high points with regard to my athletics, and to be sure it was a period of tremendous growth for me.  I began to commit more to activities for which disordered eating (specifically, unplanned extra eating, sometimes resulting in a full-blown binge, causing unwanted digestive discomfort) was not compatable, which was great in that it further illuminated the fact that I was shifting from prioritizing the momentary, instant relief I feel when I’m engaged in those behaviors (the food but also the “attending to the aftermath” which is also a distraction)….to the more gratifying participation in life and interacting with the people in my life.

And as I said, the physical effects of some of these changes were seen especially in the fall, almost “overnight.”  Even though I believe it was the accumulation of consistent changes and work, it was as though all of a sudden my body “clicked” in a way it hadn’t in the months prior, certainly not in the winter/early spring months.  So a good reminder that it’s important to stay the course that you truly believe is better for yourself, even if the anticipated changes/results are not quite happening in the time frame you were expecting.

So my fall was quite a pleasing experience.  I made some changes and strides professionally as well.  I have learned that I’m a creature that needs to be around people at least some of the time, even when I’m doing work that involves just myself and my computer.   So I made some changes to address that.  Overall, an ongoing “coming out of my shell” would be a good way to sum it up.  NOT without challenges and low points, mind you, but definitely a net positive journey.

Then winter set in and sheesh, it’s scary and deflating that no matter how determined I am, no matter what the tools in my arsenal, I seem to lose the wind in my sails.  It’s like winter takes me in my perfectly happy state, chews me up and then spits me out, leaving me raw and disoriented and having to heal those wounds just to get back to where I left off.  The lack of inspiring landscape immediately around us coupled with the endless cold and gray…..it doesn’t do my body or mind good, though it sure does force me to flex my “look at the bright side” muscles.  The one positive I have to say is that my eating (and exercise, though the latter is a given, I love to move) was more balanced than it has been in previous winters.  The trouble was, and it’s the same issue of the previous winter, despite my shoring up my eating even more (to the best of my assessment) cleanly than that of fall, my body was not responding in kind.  In fact on the contrary, it was much harder to stay within my goal weight range, and worse for me, my body shape was once again “not itself,” odd subtle changes that caused my clothes to look different even when my weight was more or less the same.  I realize these are small matters in the overall scheme of things, but for my can’t-find-the-shutoff-valve mind, all I do is wonder wonder wonder why the very measures that rendered such different results as recently as 4-5 months ago….could be so useless now.  Does not compute!

So suffice it to say, it was par for my usual mid/late winter progression:  out of sorts, frustrated, making tweaks in spite of feeling emotionally all over the place and feeling frustrated that my efforts were not being duly rewarded with the kind of changes I had come to expect from my body.  But worse….MUCH worse….I was increasingly aware of the effect this was all having on my living.  I’m realizing more and more how much I DON’T want to go through life with my greatest immediate accomplishment being that of, “she knows how to get/keep a buff body.”  I want to be of help/use to others.  Yes, I know I’m already of some help/use with loved ones, friends, my husband, my job….but I’m still consuming WAY too much physical, mental and spiritual energy around this thing.  And I’m increasingly realizing how much I’m missing out on in so doing, how much I have NOT done or how much I have not been present due to the demands of this behavior — indulging it and then recovering from it.  And finally, I’m realizing how much I am NOT in control of the outcome, anyway, so why am I trying to hard to engineer it?

Well that final conclusion, that’s actually come along in recent weeks.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  So let me backtrack to mid-March.

I don’t know why, I can’t even pinpoint the specific day, but for some reason, I found myself hunting down some podcasts of a 12-step program.  And upon listening to that very first one, I was immediately riveted.  It was not my first exposure to 12-step programs; I had read a memoir of somebody’s experience with one, which I’d enjoyed.  And I had, in fact, looked into such an option for myself on more than one occasion (haha, always in March, do you suppose winter has some role in all of this?).  But I never acted on the research for various reasons, not the least of which is the internal clash I have with some of the philosophies of such a program.  But I suppose the “take what you need and leave the rest” suggestion kept my mind open enough so that when the time was right and I was ready, I could take that next step.

So suddenly I was listening to stories of people who were articulate, intelligent, witty (of course all the traits I like to think I possess!)…..and yet who somehow found long-term relief from their eating behaviors, which they assert were part and parcel of a bigger-picture spiritual malady.  I found myself suspending whatever reservations I might have and simply listened, figuring there would be value in gleaning something, anything, from their anecdotes.

And quietly, gently, almost imperceptibly, I found myself making changes.  They were internalized and external as well, and they felt quite different from anywhere I had been before.  It was as though I’d crossed a threshold from one phase of my life to a new one, and I was now setting out to build that new infrastructure.

Well hopefully it won’t be another year until I report back!   I’m excited about all that has happened and hope to share the details in subsequent posts.

Be well and thank you for reading!

The serenity of binge-free living

As you probably have deduced, I’m not using or updating this blog very regularly these days (how’s that for a fancy way to say I’ve been completely MIA?).  Truth be told, I find that my ability to benefit from such an outlet fluctuates; sometimes I do better by actually distancing myself from any focus — blogs, books, message boards, etc. — on anything that has to do with eating disorders or weight or food issues.  By shifting my focus away from those things AND surrounding myself with a lifestyle and people who represent anything BUT those things, it’s almost as though I “forget” to have such issues.  Sometimes I think there’s a danger in all this self-help via interacting (or lurking, anyway) with others, because doing so can “normalize” what is otherwise very unacceptable behavior, IMO.  For example, certain behaviors or perceptions may not even OCCUR to me, yet in an environment in which people with weight or eating issues are discussing their problems/recovery, I may encounter individuals who engage in these things.  And while at first I may read with a sense of detached curiosity, you read it often enough and suddenly it doesn’t seem so odd, and suddenly you find your own mind is actually absorbing some of these things, and it starts to pollute your own thinking.  By cutting loose and instead only conversing with people who have never had eating issues, I remind myself what “normal/healthy” looks like.  I realize my own version of “normal/healthy” may not ever be quite there — my history brings with it some realities that I ought not be naive enough to ignore.  But who knows?  Time does great things, and through repetition, it’s amazing how much a person can change, to where there’s not even a hint of a resemblence to their former self or way of thinking.

Ha ha, I’m making it sound like I’m desiring such a dramatic change!  No.  But do I think I benefit greatly from getting out of any “ED recovery” environment or mindset?  Yes, absolutely.  Where I’ll ultimately go….again, who knows?

Anyway, but I’d had a recent turn of events that threw me into a bit of turmoil.  Happily, that turmoil is being resolved, but out of the crisis an interesting lesson was illuminated for me.

I have often lamented (tongue-in-cheek), particularly when I’ve prepared for my various athletic events, about how well nutritious eating “works.”  Meaning, by golly, when I’m forced to eat absolutely cleanly for a long, unbroken stretch of time, usually because I’m training much more intensively and have ambitious goals for a given athletic event, I not only see the influence of properly chosen foods and supplements on my body and athletic performance, I also experience a remarkable, almost unbelievable, release from all my cravings.  Whereas I normally can navigate the ebbs and surges of my appetite and cravings without too much problem — they’re there, but with good nutrition and other tools in place, I can ignore and/or work with them effectively, during these extra-clean eating times, it goes even beyond that; I literally lose the cravings.  Eating my planned meals is effortless, I lose my hunger and yet have boundless energy.  It’s not the most “fun” I’ve had with my eating — the foods are typically not the kind that hit people’s Top 10 list of favorite cheat items, but it feels a small sacrifice when compared with the reprieve it gives me from the daily challenge of appetite management.  Why, you wonder, do I ever stray from such synchronicity?  Like everything, little by little, I let “things” chip away at the oh-so-well-oiled-machine, and while my weight pretty much remains the same, I gradually find myself back to the usual m.o., which includes clean eating, just enough “non clean” eating to satisfy my perceived cravings and to stimulate some new cravings of their own, with willpower kicking in to keep things from moving in the direction of those cravings.  I know, deep down, that if I bring myself back to that more simple eating arrangement, I will probably go back to a craving-free existence, but there’s a reluctance that’s hard to penetrate if I don’t have some overarching motivator, such as an athletic event to prepare for.  Perhaps one of these days things will “stick” more than they have thus far.

With that in mind, recently I had experienced a “mysterious” weight gain.  Now hear me out, I’m normally a person who rolls her eyes at the notion of “mysterious” weight gain.  There’s no mystery; you took in more calories than you burned.  Simple as that.  And this, I believe, is still true.  But considering I’m as vigilant as I’ve always been about weighing my food, measuring my food, tracking my daily calories, recording my food intake and my exercise…… the sudden (as in, over a couple of months’ time) weight gain and notable change of body composition truly had me baffled.  By weight gain, I mean relatively small; about 5-6 pounds over my norm.  But on my frame….it looked AWFUL!  But worst of all, I just couldn’t find a good reason.  If anything, my eating and exercise were even tighter than they were in the preceding 6-8 months.  It was baffling and frightening.  It took a long time for me to get to the level of management of my eating (and the ED) that I currently have, and the thought that I might have to make additional tweaks was overwhelming me.  It didn’t help that I was emerging from one of the hardest and harshest winters our area has ever had.  Clearly Seasonal Affective Disorder was a factor in my dispondence.  And while the extra weight may not seem like a big deal, it was just enough to not only force me out of most of my clothes, but to feel….compromised.  I know at what weight range I look irrefutably at my personal best, and this wasn’t it.  I looked bloated, puffy, definitely imbalanced.  I had been at this weight many years before, but back then it was somehow healthier, more fit, even if it still wasn’t my goal weight.  This?  It didn’t even look like me.

I’ll spare the details of how we finally figured out what the problem was — or at least, what we believe the problem was.  Suffice it to say, we did resolve the problem, and I have taken most of the weight off.  I’m now up by a pound or two and can expect the rest to fall into place soon enough.

But the “why” isn’t really the point here.  My point is what I experienced while trying to deal with the mysterious problem.  Because I had no idea what was going on, only that I was gaining weight mysteriously, one of the changes I had to make was to further shore up my eating.  I needed to make certain that I was truly being accurate in my intake and consistent in staying within my allocated caloric boundaries.  I also figured that darn it, if I was gaining weight now, while eating so cleanly, there was no telling what awful consequence would befall me if I dared stray from my eating plan.  So no cheats.  For a long time.

And that is why I make this post.  Because admittedly, as I have referenced before, I had become accustomed, over the years, to a management strategy whereby I would eat cleanly and exercise regularly, enough so that my metabolism could handle a (usually) once-a-week cheat.  Good enough, except that these cheats were often quite grand in scale — cookies, pizza, cheese, chocolate, eaten to the point of discomfort.  It’s been hard to curtail this one remnant of my ED (which at times didn’t look particularly ED’d, more just the kind of nibble fest people often experience on a Saturday night), as it would often take a good 2-3 days for me to feel recovered from the consequences of my splurge.  And while I didn’t always turn to such decadence on a weekly basis, I would still allow at least 2 days each week in which I’d eat way, way more than my body needed of even ”healthy” food, such as trail mix or apples or sugar-free pudding.  And while my weight somehow remained consistent despite these occasional flights of fancy, the cycle of dealing with the added quantity of food on my gastrointestinal tract….the distress it would cause….was awful.  Part of my challenge over these last several months has been to work on lessening the severity.  I say “lessen the severity” because I don’t necessarily think I can nor should abolish these occasional deviations from my food plan.  But of course, there’s a huge difference between having an extra helping of a treat food or cooking a particular recipe in its “full fat” version but otherwise leave the day’s eating the same….vs. what I was doing, which definitely went beyond where it should be.  But….old habits die hard.  Choose your poison, and all of that.

So imagine the unexpected “gift” this recent dilemma gave to me.  For while I was decidedly unhappy with my situation – that is, I was annoyed with what was happening to my body and consumed about trying to figure out what the heck was going on,  I found myself, on a particularly difficult day, taking note of one shining light:  the serenity of being away from bingeing.  Because of my body’s apparant rebellion, I had vigilantly kept myself away from eating outside of my meal plan, and for a long stretch of time.  In this case, it had been weeks since I’d last strayed, and prior to that stumble, a few additional weeks still.  Altogether, I had had almost a couple of months without bingeing (my term for those Saturday and/or weeknight cheats), and I have to tell you….. it was wonderful.  While I was still struggling to find outfits that fit me, I could at least feel the serenity that comes when the body hasn’t been inundated with excess food.  My mind was cleaerer, my energy levels more even, my digestive tract at relative peace.

Well, happily, the few changes that I felt were needed, that I felt may provide the relief my body needed from what appeared to be going on….did finally start to take effect.  I began to see “my” body re-emerge, which was a huge relief, indeed.  I had a few athletic events come and go as well during that time, and found the problem to be almost 100% resolved.

So you know what happened next.  Of course!  Problem solved, success at my athletic events, which means it must be time to celebrate!  Mind you, I’m not out of the woods yet, especially since the whole point is to bring myself back to where I normally MAINTAIN myself, not just some bottom-end extreme from which I can then promptly rebound.  But sure enough, at the first opportunity (read:  where I had a day of down time afterward, allowing me to become cave-dweller and digest quietly out of the radar of most humanity), I merrily high-tailed it to the store, picking out all the sugar-fat-kitchen-sink delights I had so steadfastilly kept myself away from for so long.  It was almost head-spinning — literally — to experience these foods again, like switching on a bunch of neuro-receptors that had become dormant (not unlike what I imagine it’s like to smoke a cigarette after having quit for a while).  A couple of hours and a distended belly later, I couldn’t believe I had once again let myself fall into that bizarre, pre-binge amnesia, where I seem to forget how truly horrible the aftermath is — much more horrible than any pleasure obtained from the taste of the food.

So okay, a trip, stumble and fall.  It happens.  Move on.  Only…. I’ve had a couple more since.  So now I’m back to shoring up my eating and be more guarded on what behaviors and foods I allow over the next week or so.  Having had some blissful reprieve from my last binge, I can once again taste that serenity that I recently experienced, and I’m anxious to return to that place more solidly.  It’s fresh in my mind, and I’m grateful to have been, albeit through strange circumstances, forced to rout out some remnant destructive behaviors so as to let me catch a glimpse of it!  I don’t want to forget it anytime soon.  Talk about realizing how ready I am to be rid of those remnants, once and for all! 

Interpreting the “Higher Power” reference in OA

Generally, OA is not my personal cup of tea.  I appreciate that it’s helpful to others and for that I acknowledge its value; it simply isn’t for me.  However, I strongly agree with some of the beliefs and approaches by the organization, even if I don’t necessarily apply them in the exact same way as they do.  I agree, for example, that helping others who are struggling is one way to help yourself (though obviously that ought not be the only motivation for doing so).

I have a book, one of my favorites, on overcoming overeating (no, it’s not the book by that title nor the author), written by a member of OA and based on the program therein.  It’s not an “official” OA book, but from what I understand of the organization, it ought to be, for it’s about the most logical, clear-cut, well-organized manual on the subject I have ever read.  And so much of what the author spells out about the program are points I have found, on my own, to be extremely helpful.

But the one element I have often struggled with is the notion of a Higher Power.  Don’t get me wrong; I believe in God or some comparable entity, believe there is “more” than what meets the eye on this earth.  But somehow, the notion of handing myself over to a Higher Power — one of the credos of OA – has never sat well with me.  To me it suggests that I lack the ability to overcome this — or, now that I’ve done most of the “overcoming,” to manage this.  I might be misinterpreting it, but that’s how I read it.  I like the idea of taking full ownership and responsibility for such a problem, and in upholding the idea that I alone — maybe through the tools God has provided me? — can make my own wise decisions and go about implementing change.

But I had a light bulb moment the other day that gave me a sense of resolution to this, perhaps because I *want* to believe in that part of OA.  I was on one of the cardio machines at the gym, reflecting on a conversation my husband and I had had that morning.  I was asking his advice on tweaking my current food plan.  I go through this every single winter; I swear the lack of daylight and the cavedweller effect of all this snow and cold literally scrambles my brain out of its normal self, because this plays out every year without fail.  In short, I begin to “experiment” with my eating, introducing foods that are 99% likely to cause trouble, and to make short-term decisions that, frankly, are immature, selfish, impulsive and/or self-indulgent.  It nearly always leads to a period of trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip/stumble/get up/get back on track/trip.  There finally comes a point when I cry “uncle” and recognize that there’s no place like home, “home” being my regular food plan, my regular approach.  It’s almost as though I momentarily get amnesia, ”forgetting” how predictably these foods have caused problems in the past, hoping upon hope that maybe “this time will be different.”  And of course, we all know what happens next!

So of course, it’s like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz.  You take this magical mystery tour, only to realize, reluctantly at times, that you’re still best off doing what’s always worked.  Which is the point I had reached recently after just such an experimentation.  My patient husband duly administered his (appropriate) “duh” response upon my verbalizing this revelation.

So now I’m on the cardio machine, reflecting on how if I only shut off all outside noise — all books, all message boards, all TV ads, all Oprah’s, all magazine articles, all overheard conversations, all blogs…… and simply turn to that internal source, I always steer myself right.  What frustrates me, I suppose, is because what works for me tends to run against what is commonly touted.  That’s tough, as it means I have to essentially plug my ears with my fingers and yell “la la la la la” as it can be soooooo easy to let myself second-guess that internal wisdom.  But you can’t argue with success, and whenever I’ve ignored the popular “sensible” wisdom of the masses (not the rules of nutrition, just in how I choose to adminster them for myself), BOOM, I click into a pleasant, almost “easy” rhythm of eating and lifestyle.  When I futz with it…. I struggle.

Ah-HAH!!!!!!!!!!!   In other words….. that “inner wisdom” of mine IS that “Higher Power.”  It’s that overarching authority that must ultimately be the dominant voice in choosing your tools, your path.  Because everything “beneath” it — looking to others for validation/guidance, going by the popular choice, going by the whims of cravings (danger, Will Robinson), going by the whims of what others insist is the “right” way — is ground clutter.  You have to have someone or something that is unfailingly the final word to ensure you DON’T get pulled in every which direction.  Does this “Higher Power” wisdom of mine come from God?  Or something similar?  Is it within me only?  Is it a compilation of everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve experienced?  Probably….yes.  To all of the above.  Or maybe not.  Who knows, who cares.  The point is, I GET IT now.  And suddenly it makes all the sense in the world to me.  And truth be told, it’s the one sure source that I have always found works (when I listen to and implement it).

Another piece to the puzzle!