Not all eating disorders fit a neat, easily defined mold, and I’m one example. I don’t purge. I’m lean and thin, but not underweight. I love food of all kinds, but typically keep myself on a food plan. And yes, I still am dealing with bulimic behavior (no purging), albeit much, much less than ever before. But of course, I’m not interested in standing still; I wish to keep growing, improving. Unfortunately, I have not found success with most traditional approaches or treatment. Instead, most of my greatest strides have come from forging my own program, doing it my way. I learn much from reading and talking with people, but at the end of the day, I have usually discovered that what works for me is very different from what works for most. I go against the grain much of the time with my eating, my exercise, and my lifestyle, but hey, if it works….who am I to argue? I’m accepting that mine may always be a very different approach to disordered eating and the underlying issues and personality traits.
This is not a bulimia recovery page, nor is it one condoning the behavior. Nor is it even about just bulimia. My life has numerous dimensions: I ski, I’m a runner, I love cooking; I find great pleasure in the subtle nuances of good wine, coffee, and fine chocolate; I enjoy learning foreign languages, I have a successful career, I adore the outdoors, I have a passion for writing, I’m married, I’m a bookworm; I dance, I practice yoga and I am constantly seeking out new experiences, conquering fears and adding new skills to my repertoire. The bulimia, while at times flared up to unacceptable levels, is still just a small part of who I am. But there’s no denying it’s a force to reckon with. To keep it managed where I like it, I’m using this blog for my own personal haven; to vent, cheer, bemoan, plan, muse and (hopefully) continue my own growth — in all facets of life. And if others should find any of my entries interesting, useful, or thought-provoking….well, all the better. To be sure, it would be nice to know of others who are in a similar situation as mine, but I’m not specifically hoping to find them; it will simply be a bonus if I do.
As for my personal situation, for the most part I would like nothing more than to be rid of certain eating behaviors of mine. Unfortunately, there’s a part of me that isn’t completely convinced that I’d be better off letting go of all of them completely, and I’ll be honest, I’m not sure (nor do I really care) they all fall into the definition of “eating disorder,” anyway. Right or wrong, at the moment, the desire to retain certain benefits of the behavior (there are always benefits, otherwise you wouldn’t engage in them) is generally greater than the distress of their dark consequences. Not being one to abandon the ship just because all the ducks aren’t yet in a row (espcially knowing they may never be), my solution therefore is to at least do my best to manage the behavior, keep chipping away at it, focus on my values and keep finding ways to minimize it. I have been doing this successfully on my own, but the time has come that I believe a step such as a blog will further help me in this journey.
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