It occurred to me, as I wrote my latest post yesterday, what a different person I am today than a few months ago, or six months ago, a year ago, etc. In some ways, I think my eating disorder — or more accurately, the person I was when I let myself live in that state of escapism/immaturity, in which the ED was more a symptom/vehicle than the core problem — slowed down my growth and development as a person so much, that these last several years have been a sort of “accelerated growth/change” time for me, in which I seem to be catching up at almost an alarming pace. Truthfully, sometimes TOO alarming, where even that creates a panic that can send me back to the ED. But my hope is that it’s all casting enough of a light on what Life (capital L) is like when it’s lived fully, what it can be like if I allow it/me to reach its/my full potential, that even when I slip I still retain enough awareness to now know what I’m shooting for. I don’t ever want to go back. These last seductive elements of the ED can be SO difficult to release; I suspect that when I can somehow mentally associate them with those elements that I have so eagerly let go of….an era in which I was living so differently, so small….I will have a much easier time casting those remnants off for good as well.
But I digress, the point of this post is to muse about how different I must seem now vs. when I began this blog, and everywhere in between. I guess that’s inevitable — and quite possibly, the whole point. I mean, why start a blog that’s centered around healing, self-improvement, etc. if you’re not doing it in part to help accomplish that goal, which by extension means basically you’re to evolve into a different person?
But still, I wonder. I wonder what kind of impression people must form of me if they should stumble onto this blog and read a post of mine from a long time ago. Note I said “wonder” and not “worry”; it’s not a concern of mine what they think, but it’s so interesting to realize that the impression they might form may not be accurate, at least not any more. Just a weird and interesting feeling, knowing that I now have this sort of metamorphosing ink blot record of where I was prior to now.
I actually have yet to look back at old posts. I’m not sure there’s much value in doing so for me. Oh don’t get me wrong, I know it’s important to remember where I’ve come from, to help ensure I don’t go back to those unpleasant parts, but part of me feels like most of that is intuitive; do I really need to read it in detail to have a good sense of where I am today relative to how things were? I don’t have a definitive answer, just musing.
But now the siren call of chores is trumping it all, so away I go….
