I’ve been thinking (some more) about the concept of powerlessness. Amazing how one word can prompt so much semantical analysis. It is the word of choice in the first step of 12-step programs, i.e. “We admitted we were powerless over <fill in the blank>…” I used to wonder if my constant musing about the word had to do with trying to find a way to sidestep that reality, like, “Well no, I’m not powerless per se, at least not in such a sweeping way, more like only in specific circumstances, or with certain foods at certain times…” I worried that suggesting, no less embracing, the notion that I’m powerless would remove that sense of self-efficacy that I still believe is innate in all of us. Sure, once something becomes a well-entrenched habit, the means of ceasing that behavior is (usually) no longer as simple as “Just Say No,” but to suggest that when people overcome addictions or bad habits it’s done 100% through a force outside of themselves…..I disagree with that. Even if you subscribe to the idea that you’re tapping your Higher Power (or God, or whatever you call he/she/it) — which as of this writing I do, to me it’s not that you were entirely helpless and stepped aside and let HP take over the wheel; rather, it’s that you let your HP “in,” or you somehow found your own inner resource — your HP within, so to speak, which I believe to be part of the entirety of HP, and let it bubble up to accomplish things that just your ego/immature self could never to by themselves.
But I no longer believe all of this ongoing contemplation is out of desire to avoid admitting to powerlessness. At least, if it was it’s not the case now. More, it’s that I want to help myself understand powerlessness in how it specifically applies/manifests itself for ME. I feel the more I can wrap my head around what that specifically MEANS for me, the more I can understand and better make use of steps 2 and 3, which have to do with believing that my HP can help and being willing to receive that help.
So here’s my current thought on it: To me it’s like a product that has a rechargeable battery inside. A tape player, for example. I don’t know if this is still the case, but every cassette player I ever had would indicate a need for new batteries by no longer putting out as much volume, or slowing down the music. Eventually, of course, it would stop working altogether.
To me, that’s kind of how I see myself on the subject of food and my HP. I believe that remaining in an immature mindset for the duration of my life would leave me ill-prepared to maintain a sustainable management of my eating, certainly not so that my life (and I) could continue to grow. I believe that connecting with my HP is largely a means of reigniting that internal HP flame inside me, to help me have the wisdom of understanding the “big picture” of honest, accountable eating and not just “how many calories can I get away with eating and not gain weight today.” The latter is very juvenile, the kind of overtly simplistic thinking and rebelliousness that may be excusable/useful when we’re in Jr. High and don’t know any better, but you just can’t build a responsible, rich, adult life if you remain rooted in that motivation. I am increasingly understanding how much of my adult life has been spent with me stuck in that superficial diet mentality. I do believe my first awakening from that occurred 6 years ago (I even know the date), when I had that Ah-HAH that no matter how “good” what I’m doing looks on paper, the body doesn’t care or lie. It knows if what you ate exceeded your needs and it will respond accordingly. I realized that to build a sustainable lifestyle and body that I’m comfortable living with, I would have to shift my thinking and adopt a more honest and personalized approach to my eating. That’s when I lost whatever weight that needed to be taken off, and the journey began.
So indeed, I *AM* powerlessness over food…..when I have allowed my battery to go uncharged. But using the tools, reconnecting and repeatedly connecting to my Higher Power, taking the actions needed to accommodate my unique frailties….all of that serves to charge my internal Higher Power battery, and with those things I am powerFUL.
I’d like to think I’ve finally put that analysis to rest in my head, but something tells me I’ll find yet another reason to ponder about it!
