This is when my posts turn boring, as there’s not a whole lot to report other than my week has gone well. I hit a couple of rough patches in the form of some foods that probably don’t belong in my food plan anymore, so I’m eliminating them for now (certain cheeses being among them). But nothing even remotely reminiscent of disordered behavior. It’s actually a relief to have the junk out of my radar; I genuinely enjoy eating fruit and steamed vegetables and whole grains and was able to get back to preparing recipes with these ingredients. More over, releasing certain foods as even an option seems to have had the effect of freeing up my mind even further, allowing me to focus more on work and other areas of interest. It’s a subtle shift as I already had most of my eating disorder behind me — the few remnant leftover behaviors being more physical distractions than emotional ones, but it’s definitely noticeable. And it feels so WONDERFUL to be taking better care of my health. If there’s any one thing that I’ve learned (more reinforced as I already knew) over the last couple of months, it’s that I do love my body, and that it pains me deeply when I harm it. Probably my greatest motivator to finish flushing out these last few (but significant) behaviors is the desire to take good care of myself and my body. It’s a desire that’s come over me especially over the last six months and it’s (thankfully) something I can’t turn off. But of course, nothing is instantaneous; where there’s bad habit, mere desire alone doesn’t typically translate to instant change. It’s a process and I’m convinced I’m in the next phase of that process. I don’t think I’ve ever been here before — “here” being in a state where I’m consistently in a state of contentment with my body AND I’m following a specific healthy food plan AND I’m processing and sitting with my emotions so as not to turn to eating as an outlet for them. I feel as though I’m experiencing the best of all worlds here, and it’s a great feeling, indeed!
But I’m aware that I’m not out of the woods yet. No room for complacency, I have to stay focused and greet this next week with the goal to keep the growth and improvement going.
If I have one challenge that’s still working its way out, it’s trying to figure out how to strike the balance between ”allowing myself to eat what I have a taste for” vs. “eating what I know is healthy for me.” These aren’t always one of the same, and making the decision can be daunting. If I want to include a bowl of low-fat ice cream with dinner, no problem, this isn’t an uncommon treat I allow on my food plan. On the other hand, if I know I’ve been fighting a cold lately and would definitely do better allocating those calories for a healthier option — an orange and some almonds, for example, what to do? I have been at this long enough to know that choosing the orange and almonds, while arguably the better choice in terms of nourishment, can backfire as I don’t feel as satisfied as I’d like with my dinner, which can lead to a return to the kitchen an hour later. But obviously, choosing the ice cream is choosing basically something with no nutritional value. As a mature adult, surely there comes a point in which you have to learn to override that “inner child craving” and do what is best for your long-term health. At least…..that’s my goal, to reach the point that I’m more at peace with that decision process. I’m doing much better, but it’s definitely still a situation-by-situation decision process. I wonder if it ever becomes automatic rather than so cognitive?
